Thread by @EricHaywood

Sooooo I guess I’m about to live-tweet #JusticeLeague because why not

There will be spoilers. I’m gonna assume if you haven’t seen #JusticeLeague by now, either you don’t care or you’ve already muted the hashtag.

This will be my first time watching #JusticeLeague. I skipped it in theaters. Haven’t read a single review. I’m going in cold.

Oh, right. Superman “died” in the last film. #JusticeLeague

I forgot that Jeremy Irons was Alfred. #JusticeLeague

Everybody’s mopey because Superman is dead. But Henry Cavill is second-billed. So we’re off to a great start. #JusticeLeague

THERE IS A “DISAPPEARING HEROES” NEWSPAPER HEADLINE WITH DAVID BOWIE, PRINCE…AND SUPERMAN.

I REPEAT: DAVID BOWIE AND PRINCE EXIST IN THIS MOVIE’S TIMELINE. #JusticeLeague

Fuck it I’m on board now. I’m taking the leap with this movie. #JusticeLeague

Okay, the real star of the movie just showed up. Hi, Wonder Woman. #JusticeLeague

I…already have questions. But I’m gonna wait. #JusticeLeague

Khal Drogo! #JusticeLeague

Okay, wait. Arthur Curry is living among these people in this small town…and they *know* he’s Aquaman? Do they know about Atlantis or nah? I’m confused. #JusticeLeague

Alright, Joe Morton is here. Everything’s better with a little Joe Morton. #JusticeLeague

Joe is SELLING this performance. You go, boy. #JusticeLeague

Okay now we got Amazons fighting giant CGI mosquitos. Cool cool. #JusticeLeague

So...Steppenwolf took the Motherbox from the Amazons, so they had to light the Olympic flame to warn Diana. I think I’m following this. #JusticeLeague

Diana’s giving Bruce the backstory on Steppenwolf and the Mother Boxes by basically summarizing the Infinity War trailer. This is cool. #JusticeLeague

Okay #JusticeLeague I see you trying to slip a Green Lantern in there like we don’t remember that whole Ryan Reynolds thing. You ain’t slick!

“We hid one Mother Box with the Amazons. The second one went to Atlantis. And the third one, well, we just let some dudes bury it in the woods.” #JusticeLeague

Nobody seems particularly pressed for time given the threat that’s supposedly coming. #JusticeLeague

Bruce drives a Mercedes. Diana drives a Mercedes. #coincidence #productplacement #JusticeLeague

These damn #JusticeLeague Mother Boxes are REALLY poorly hidden and barely under any protection at all. Steppenwolf keeps walking right up to them like:

Steppenwolf took one of the Mother Boxes to…Chernobyl? What is happening? #JusticeLeague

J. Jonah Jameson! I mean, uh...Commissioner Gordon. My bad. #JusticeLeague

Ezra Miller is the only actor having any fun. He’s like, “Fuck it, I’mma get these laughs in I don’t care how dark the lighting is.” #JusticeLeague

Flash’s costume is soooo non-aerodynamic tho. Every time they show it, all I see is wind resistance. #JusticeLeague

Cyborg has been sitting on the third Infinity Mother Box Stone? The one that was buried in the woods? #JusticeLeague

#JusticeLeague

Cyborg: Something something something this Infinity Mother Box Stone ended up at S.T.A.R. Labs, so that’s how I got it.

Me:

Flash and Cyborg are in a cemetery, digging up Clark Kent’s corpse in order to bring Superman back from the dead. Like, for real. This is the big plan. #JusticeLeague

THEY LITERALLY EXHUMED CLARK’S DEAD BODY UNDER COVER OF DARKNESS. FOR A PLAN THAT THEY HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE WILL WORK. #JusticeLeague

This is wild disrespectful. Who the fuck’s gonna tell Martha? And Lois? “See, what had happened was…” #JusticeLeague

Hold on, I gotta rewind a little bit. Because I HAD to have missed something. #JusticeLeague

Okay, Bruce thinks they can bring Superman back to life because his cells are “incapable of decay.” But that can’t be true because Superman…ages. #JusticeLeague

Whatever. There’s no point in harping on the science. This is a world where both Green Lantern and David Bowie exist. I gotta let it go. #JusticeLeague

#JusticeLeague

Diana: At some point you have to move on.

Bruce: Did Steve Trevor tell you that?

Diana:

I’m caught back up now. They’re really talking about bringing Superman back from the dead like this is something that happens all the time. #JusticeLeague

The #JusticeLeague team has now snuck into the least-secure military installation on earth.

#JusticeLeague

Diana: HE’S BACK!

Me: He’s #2 on the call sheet of course he’s back

Now the good guys all have to fight each other because that worked so well in the first Avengers movie. #JusticeLeague

Bruce Wayne is monster. He brought in Lois Lane, an innocent powerless civilian, in hopes that she’d tame an out-of-control Superman. What if he’d snapped her neck? #JusticeLeague

How is Lois not freaking the fuck out that her man is suddenly back from the dead? Why ain’t she got questions? #JusticeLeague

#JusticeLeague

Superman: *literally back from the dead*

Lois: You smell good.

Me:

Okay, NOW I’m mad. Last time we saw Martha, she was in Metropolis. How’d she drive her little Sanford & Son truck all the way back to Kansas that damn fast? #JusticeLeague

Okay, at least Martha had an appropriate freak-out when she saw Clark. Tears and everything. So there’s *some* logic at work here. #JusticeLeague

Steppenwolf has been offscreen for a looooong time. I literally forgot about him. #JusticeLeague

Wait. The five of them are now gonna fight Steppenwolf without Superman? BUT BRUCE'S WHOLE FUCKING ARGUMENT WAS “WE CAN’T POSSIBLY DO THIS WITHOUT SUPERMAN.” #JusticeLeague

Clark Kent is treating Lois to dinner at the Smallville Cheesecake Factory while this massive CGI battle takes place without him. They literally brought him back to life for nothing. #JusticeLeague

This was all just some #JusticeLeague plot shenanigans to allow Superman to make a big entrance during the fight like:

They beat the bad guy. CGI flowers are blooming. I guess this is almost over. #JusticeLeague

That’s it! #JusticeLeague is over!

This concludes my #JusticeLeague live-tweet. I now return you to your regularly-scheduled timelines.

Dammit I knew there’d be a post-credits #JusticeLeague scene

Okay I’m done for real now. #JusticeLeague

I know I said I was done, but it’s a whole day later and I’m still thinking about this moment in #JusticeLeague

If Prince existed within the reality of #JusticeLeague then "Purple Rain" exists within that same reality.

It would have to be the same “Purple Rain” that I saw in a movie theater.

*opens laptop*

“I had to wonder…do *I* exist within Justice League??"