Thread by @OmoGbajaBiamila

Imagine Mark Zuckerberg were to appear to testify before the Nigerian National Assembly in the ongoing investigation of the Facebook data breach scandal. 😂

Oh well, I imagined it IN MEMES.

A night before the testimony, a group of rented crowds from Mpape and Gwagwalada areas of Abuja will be ready on ground close to the National Assembly holding placards with inscriptions such as; "Live Mark NsukkaBag Alone", "This Is Witchhunt", "Our Son Is Innocent".

Then of course, the hashtag #WeStandWithMark is readily available to be trended by Social Media Influencers in a Mark Zuckerberg WhatsApp Group.

On the day of the hearing, Mark Zuckerberg will be entering the National Assembly like:

As the session opens, the national anthem will be sung by all attending Senators and Honourables with the opening prayer said by a Christian Senator and a Muslim House of Reps member.

Immediately Mark Zuckerberg makes his way into the hall, Lawmakers will give him a standing ovation except Senator Ben Bruce and Senator Shehu Sani, because both of them feel; "After all, Mark Zuckerberg is not new to us & we're also popular on Twitter."

Meanwhile, Senators from Kebbi & Kogi State are looking at Mark Zuckerberg like; "Who is this one again?"

So the questioning begins.

Senator Dino Melaye takes the floor and starts by asking; "Young man, I heard you're the owner of Twitter. Please how can I upload videos that are longer than 2 minutes, 20 seconds?"

I can hear someone whispering; "Facebook Not Twitter you idiot."

Senate President Bukola Saraki terribly disappointed but of course, Senator Dino Melaye is his padi so he looks at him like:

Honourable Darlington Nwokocha from Isiala Ngwa North/South Constituency takes the next question; "Bia Mark I hereby confer on you the title of Eze Gburugburu 1 of Isiala, but ehen Ngwa, how much is it to join Facebook?"

Senator Ben Bruce; "Mark can you tell this honorable gathering how much Facebook is worth currently."

Mark Zuckerberg: "Well, as at last evaluation, Facebook is worth 64 Billion Dollars."

Lawmakers:

Lawmkers from South Eastern Nigeria are there wondering how that stupid thing called Facebook can be worth 64 Billion Dollars.

So, they begin to do the calculations in Naira.

On hearing the worth of Facebook, Femi Adeshina & Garba Shehu begin to rush to the office to prepare a press statement on how Buhari administration has helped Facebook reach 64 Billion Dollars net worth between 2015-2018 & also connect it to President Buhari's reelection.

Senator David Mark who honestly has never said anything in the Senate since 2015, was busy wondering; "How can this guy be worth that much and he's not even a Senator?"

Means only one thing; Nigerian Senators are underpaid."

Senator Gbenga Ashafa, however, is only interested in how Facebook can enhance transportation in Nigeria especially the railway sector.

Senator Ahmad Sani Yerima stands up to ask; "Please Mark, does your company policy allow 13 year old girls to sign up on Facebook?"

All the while the session was ongoing, Senator Ben Bruce was busy tweeting as usual and replying his mentions.

While all these was going on, Tolu Ogunlesi was busy trying to reach Banks Omisore on the phone to see if they can get Mark Zuckerberg to visit President Buhari in the Villa as that will boost the President's ratings after the Naomi Campbell thing backfired.

But of course, Banks was there looking at Tolu's phone-call like.

Back in the National Assembly, Senate President announced; "NASS members who have not asked questions, please signal with a raise of the hand."

Trust Honourable Muhammad Gudaji Kazaure. Man was there like:

Immediately, Honourable Muhammad Gudaji Kazaure stood up to talk, all Lawmakers went:

With the wink of the eye from Senate President Bukola Saraki, lawmakers close to Muhammad Gudaji Kazaure rushed him like:

So, Honourable Femi GbajaBiamila took his turn to ask Mark why there is no Facebook office in Surulere Federal Constituency so that Surulere Youths can be employed to work there.

Honourable Abdulmumin Jibrin all these while was getting disgusted by the pointless questions.

So, he stands up to talk but Honourable Mustapha Bala Dawaki, also from Kano State looked at him & whispered to him; "Is like Suspension is hungrying you again ba?"

So, Honourable Abdulmumin Jibrin sat down and was like:

Even when Senate President Bukola Saraki asked if Senator Ali Ndume had anything to ask Mark ZuckerBerg, man thought to himself: "Could this be a setup to have me suspended again?"

So, he's there like:

Just outside the hall where the seating was taking place, you could clearly hear Senator Ovie Omo Agege grumbling loudly as he was packing his personal stuff from his office.

He's on his way back to Urhobo-land so as to go serve his 90-day suspension.

Other Senators from Delta State were also not comfortable with the proceedings but each time they remember what happened to Senator Ovie Omo Agege, they go:

Honourable Farouk Lawan, at home watching the proceedings on TV and wondering if he still were in the house, this would have been a perfect chance to use his cap once again to get an even bigger bribe from Mark ZuckerBerg.

Honourable Muhammad Gudaji Kazaure was still in the hall trying to get a chance to speak but the house won't spare him a minute.

So, he's there like:

While all these was ongoing in the NASS, Governor Yahaya Bello was somewhere in Abuja, hoping to see Mark ZuckerBerg & talk him into attending Kogi Investment Summit & of course catch a glimpse of Zarah Buhari one more time.

Despite his disabilities, nothing stopped him.

Even Mark ZuckerBerg was tired of the whole thing so he decided to explain how Facebook works and how the data breach was enacted despite his company's privacy policies.

The more he talked, the more confusing it got. Lawmakers were like:

As Mark ZukckerBerg continued, Senator Ademola Adeleke was busy borrowing earpiece from Senator Babajide Omoworare.

Apparently, Davido had dropped another jam & he has to listen to it before it is officially dropped. Man was there like:

As Mark ZuckerBerg continued, Senator Ademola Adeleke was busy borrowing earpiece from Senator Babajide Omoworare.

Apparently, Davido had dropped another jam & he has to listen to it before it is officially dropped. Man was there like:

BREAKING NEWS: Pro-Facebook and Anti-Facebook Protesters Clash In Abuja.

Well, as expected, Nairaland people have had enough of Facebook in Nigeria so they had formed their own protest group & had marched down to the NASS to face the Pro-Facebook protesters.

Eventually, the session was coming to an end with Mark ZuckerBerg explaining the benefits of Facebook to lawmakers. Then he made the worst mistake of his life.

He told them; "Facebook will be used to monitor 2019 elections so as to eliminate any form of rigging.

Lawmakers:

Trust Senator Dino Melaye.

He made the first move.

Even lawmakers that were deep asleep, especially Senator Mao Ohuabunwa, Senator Joshua Dariye, Senator Theodore Orji, Senator Abba Bukar Ibrahim & Senator Jeremiah Useni all woke up like:

Back at Aso Rock.

Osinbajo: "Oga, Tolu has been able to get Mark ZukcerBerg to visit the Villa after he leaves the National Assembly. Should we make preparations because Bayo Omoboriowo is already charging the camera batteries."

"What do you think Sir?"

Buhari: "Which one is Mark SugarBag again?"

"Abeg, these people shouldn't be carrying people I don't know to come & meet me. Last month it was Martin Luther King's cousin's sister's half-brother. Same last month, Naomi CowBell. They want to bring another one. Abeeeegi!!!

Meanwhile in Imo State, Governor Rochas Okorocha busy pondering; "This NsukkaBag boy truly deserves a statue I think but problem is; he's from Enugu."

"I mean, how does one explain the name NsukkaBag?"

Back in the National Assembly, a bill had been sponsored immediately to stop Mark ZuckerBerg from using Facebook to monitor 2019 elections.

Guess what? The ayes have it.

Lawmakers:

After asking irrelevant questions, NASS members bring the 'successful' probe to an end as they troop out in their 'Agbadas' to take group photos with Mark ZuckerBerg.

Trust Dino Melaye to get a selfie he will use to tension Yahaya Bello.

Meanwhile, Nigerians are out here like:

If you people don't hear from me in a while, it might just be that DSS has decided to pick me up for hate speech but don't worry, I'm at the airport already. 😂

Hope I made your weekend.

Thanks for reading!

Since you guys are here, you can as well read this too. Wrote it last month. Enjoy!

LOL... Here's another one on BDSM that I wrote last month too.