Thread by @_reptiles

Hey I’ve just read this and not only is it every moment of my working life it’s also the time I tried to write a novel. Brief #adhd thread

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by @ewasr view original on Twitter

So I got a partial pitch accepted to a small press. I was excited about it. I liked my idea. Off to the races. Except now I had to finish it

I tried every day to do a little bit and my brain would just slide off it. I desperately dreaded not finishing it. I wanted to so badly.

I began to hate first myself, and then the book, but mostly I was just consumed with dread. I had to send something. Emails mounted up.

Friendships ended. I got sick. Then when I finally did send something, it was met with near total silence.

I was so convinced that this non-reaction to months of pain signalled it was as worthless as I felt it to be and internalized it

Every time I thought about it I hyperventilated and was so afraid to show it to anyone else that it took a kind friend and a joint to finish

I finished that thing in the middle of the night high out of my mind because I couldn’t cope with the lack of encouragement.

I wasn’t diagnosed then and had no idea that my craving for any kind of praise about my work wasn’t just weakness and mental illness

I sent a draft I barely remember writing and to this day cannot look at without panicking myself into a blackout.

People have spoken to me who‘be read what was eventually published and been extraordinarily kind about it. All I can do is grimace politely.

I should have been able to motivate myself! I should have looked at this as a promise I made to myself to finish something!

But ultimately, I’m utterly sustained by enthusiasm. Manufactured or otherwise, no amount of cold threat has ever gotten me past mediocre.

And I didn’t know all this time it was part of ADHD, a need for reassurance and not feeling like all the toil in the void is worthless

Because every day is toil in the void, trying to harass myself into a productive person. Boo boo, capitalism does this to everyone.

But I wish I’d known earlier, and found my people earlier, who are willing to be enthusiasts with me, because it’s how I get through the day

There’s nothing effective about shaming someone with ADHD, trust me, I shame myself enough for three people. You’re disappointed? Me too.

I’ve never written anything original ever again, because the stakes are too high emotionally. Do I know this is self-pitying? Absolutely.

Is it real? Yes. The end.