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Jun 18, 2018 34 tweets 7 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
GUYS. I have some thoughts. It's been 243 some years since some people dug a hole on top of a hill on Charlestown BUT HANG ON WITH YOUR JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS ABOUT but yes this about Bunker Hill and I've had Gin.
So like, on June 16, 1775, there's General Thomas Gage hanging the fuck out in Boston, and he's like "yo, Tommy Howe, there's that hill over there in Charlestown and it's bugging me old chap" and Howe was like "yessir, hill taken just like yesterday's mistress, sah"
So all the Brits are like, "shit, we gotta cross the Charles River tomorrow" and this gets out to some of the local drunks, aka, the sons of liberty because yeah, RevWar HUMINT was just drunk guys yelling "SAM, TOM'S MAHCHING AGAIN, WICKED, RIGHT?"
And gaddam did the news get around Bahstahn which is how you said Boston back then because everyone was either drunk or syphilitic. But yeah, so, news gets back to Dick Ridley who's like "fuckall, we gotta screw those British dudes" and his men were like
So on the night of the 16th, Dick Gridley, chief engineer of the Rabble Now Surrounding Boston, gets 500 guys and marches up Breed's Hill in Charlestown in the dead of night and starts building a goddam fort.

Now. You been in Charlestown before?

It ain't big.
So look, there's 500 dudes with PICKAXES AND SHOVELS, NEITHER OF WHICH ARE IN STEALTH MODE, building a fort on the highest hill in Charlestown. And yeah, totes under the view of THE ROYAL DAMN NAVY.

And yeah they notice the noise.

And start shooting.
So the whole of the American experiment is on this hill with picks and shovels and getting shelled by the Royal Navy, so that ain't fuckin great but than Brit Admiral Richard "I make bad decisions after 2 AM" Graves wakes up and TELLS THEM TO STOP SHOOTING BECAUSE HES SLEEPING
So Richard Gridley is like "holy shit this is some sorta miracle" and they keep digging and by morning there's this nice little redoubt which is Army speak for not a bad fort, but now the infantry that dug the damn thing now have to fight in it & it's VERY HOT OUT
And so the Massholes dig in on top of the hill because they're from Massachusetts and so fancy and the Connecticut and New Hampshire troops cut some ditches off to the left, leading into some bitchin breastworks, and then on down to the beach where Col Stark is gettin set
Now you gotta know this shit about Starky McStarkness, which is the name I've given him for this. Dude was a veteran of lots of fighting and was totes ready for this shit. He placed his 3 lines behind the stone wall on the beach, dropped markers at 40 yards & said "aim low"
Cause Stark realized "holy shit these guys are gonna shoot and they're gonna shoot high because that's what boot ass Joe's do" and gave them some dope instructions on what to do, so that was pretty cool but meanwhile, Tommy Gage was waking up & was like "bollocks to this"
So the morning of June 17 happens, like it does every year as far as I know, and Gage is pissed and Howe is pissed and Graves is pissed because there's 500 Massholes dug the fuck in under the very guns of the Royal Navy who are shooting at them without much result
But because they're the British, and have, like 100 FIELD OFFICERS AND SHIT, it takes HOURS to get things moving, and so it isn't till noon that 28 barges carrying the first British task force of grenadiers, light infantry, and marines land just below Breed's Hill & it's SO WARM
So Howe waits till he gets like 2300 troops versus the measily Patriot 900 and is like, "aw yiss, gonna clean howessssss" which no one found funny.

So Howe first decides that he's gonna get around to the rear first because yeah, that's how Howe rolls
So Howe sends 10 companies of light infantry down on the beach to get around to the Patriot rear & they got trotting along until one redcoat trips over a piece of Birchwood & is like y is that there & then stops wondering cause he gets shot & so does everyone else
The ten companies of light infantry keep on attakin and get utterly DECIMATED cause someone didn't do his leaders recon. Seriously, tho, 96 men killed in like 10 minutes WITH SMOOTHBORE WEAPONS. That's a really really bad day.

But it didn't really get better from there
So Howe is like, "aw shucks" and calls up his artillery to sang froidly blow the Patriots off the hill (phrasing) but then his battery commander is like, "uh, um, sah, we brought the wrong size shot" and Howe throws his wig, or at least that's how I envision it
So the British barges go back across the Charles River AGAIN for ammo because sustainment is a biiiiiiitch. Then they come back and the Royal Artillery start shooting & Howe is like "aw yiss, this is how we do" & grabs the Grenadiers & off they go up the hill, like ya do
This is when it's looking real good for the Brits cause they can't see anything up on top of the hill and they're the mofo British Grenadiers, they've got a song & everything, then they hit a fence AND EVERYTHING FALLS APART WOULDN'T YA JUST KNOW IT
Cause apparently British troops don't do well with wooden fences, weirdly, and try to shove it with bayonets, and then start getting shot & r like wait wut & take 80% losses really quickly & gtfo the hill and now Howe is consternated in the extreme
Ok, so, SWITCH SCENES to Charlestown which is now ON FIRE because the Navy shelled it which has made all the locals SUPER MAD & THEY'RE FILING PETITIONS & GOING GREEN & SHIT & the Patriot marksmen r still chillin tho so Pigot sends off his Royal Marine BN cause Marines amirite
So the Marines go into Charlestown and get their asses kicked cause no one did MOUT before this because this was all supposed to be easy & they spent most of their time polishing things and shouting because, well, marines
So back in Boston, Gage is NOT PLEASED and is yelling things and whatnot. So off goes Harry Clinton to take charge of things and he gets off his boat & a dude gets shot right next to him & Clinton is like "ok this shiznit is for reals"

The Brits revise their plan aka do it again
Howe lets the grenadiers drop their packs and jackets & they head up the hill again & Pigot sends the Marines back to Charlestown and the result is the same & the Brits r like ok what the actual fuckeration is this
Ok so now Clinton is on the beach and he meets up with Major Heartthrob Pitcairn & they're like fuckit let's do it live

Unbeknownst to them, the Patriots were real nervous because NO ONE WAS MANAGING RESUPPLY & everyone was wicked low on ammo which weren't good
Now up on top of the hill you've got Bill Prescott in command of the Massholes & Johnny McStarkface Stark with the Granite Staters and Dr Warren hanging out for morale and shit, cause he is HAWT & TALENTED & BRAVE AF, but ammo is totally low/gone
Ok and now I'm slipping into the drunkery and um. Yeah. So. BAYONETS. The Patriots don't have it. Them. Don't have them. Which is a problem when the redcaots fuck Redcoats get to the top of the hill & they go all hand to fuckin hand

Prescott & Warren r fit to fite
So the Redcoats get over the redoubt & the Patriots pull back & Prescott & Warren r fighting to hold off the Brits and Warren goes down & the Brits r so angry at him that they shoot him many times & bayonet him many times because they were right bastards
But Warren & Prescott buy enough time and the Patriots fall back to BUNKER HILL WHICH IS THE SECONDARY POSITION which they then lose because omg the assembly area was a hot mess DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND OPERATIONS IN THE REAR

I guess I just walked into that
Ok, so, Gage is like "aw hell yeah, they see me Rollin, they hating" then someone showed him his casualty list & he was like WHOA WUT NOW STOP. cause there were 1000 casualties and 25% of all British officers in North America were down.

Which is insane.
And Gage is all, "welp, guess we finna stop here fam" & so in return for some hills which he couldn't hold, Gage lost a quarter of his troops & gorgeous Pitcairn got killed & were all still cooped up on a peninsula, & realized, holy Britshit, these colonials would fighhhhht
Um, so, yeah, no one really won this thing because it basically sucked, but it was shocking because you could *almost* shrug off Lex & Con as a misunderstanding, but this was IT. OVER. This kind of slaughter meant the war was ON. Irreversible.
So like, within days, the Continental Congress hears of this and goes APESHIT. Everyone hears. Troops pour in. G Washington shows up, lookin to swat some ass - & beat some Brits. And Tommy Gage is like, uh
Ah crap, in the cold and sober light of day I realized I forgot to tag this thread with #drunjhistory for future generations/me when I want to see what I've *actually* said. Now tagged. Please go about your regularly scheduled activities.

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