Thread by @Vengeful_Doe

Common farm pests: Caterpillars, locusts, and demons.

#FolkloreThursday STORY THREAD!

'Better the Devil you Hoe'

[Image: 'American Gothic,' Grant Wood 1930]

Once upon a time there was a farmer who was surveying a field he’d recently purchased, when lo and behold he saw an imp sitting on a pile of coals smack-dab in the middle of it.

Say what you will about infernals, but they know how to make an entrance.

FARMER: I've heard of slash-and-burn agriculture but this is absurd. Who are you?
DEVIL: Devil.
F: *A* devil or *the* Devil?
D: Does it matter?
F: Just trying to determine what size crucifix I should be reaching for.

D: Guess what?
F: What?
D: This land is *my* land!
F: Mmmm is it tho
D: Yes!
F: And I should believe you because…
D: Because I said so?
F: Well, your kind is known for honesty.
D: When honesty hurts worse, then yes.

D: Also, I have a treasure buried here.
F: Real or metaphorical?
D: Elucidate.
F: If I dig is there going to be gold down there or will the treasure be the value of hard work or the friends I met along the way or some shit.
D: Oh. Literal gold.
F: Sweet!

D: Tell you what. I‘ve always secretly yearned to be a farmer.
F: That’s sweet.
D: But due to being a creature of pure evil, not an earth-bound filthy peasant of a mortal-
F: Nice
D: I can’t.
F: That’s so sad. Alexa?
FARMER’S WIFE: [o.s.] Yes, hon?
F: Play Despacito.

D: I’ve come to offer a deal. You can have the treasure & the land IF you give me half your crops for the next 2 years.
F: You’re selling cheap.
D: I’m hoping you’ll die due to lack of food & I get the land & the treasure & the crops & your soul.
F…
D: did i say that out loud

F: Eh, deal. I’ve got nothing to lose that isn’t already at risk.
D: Great!
F: Top or bottom?
D: Pardon?
F: You want the top or bottom half?
D: You sure that’s how crops are usually split?
F: Who's the farmer and who’s the infernal creature of hate and malice?
D: Touché!

D: I’ll take the bottom half. Reminds me of home.
F: Done great okay bye
D: Wait, what are we planting?
F: That’s for the earth to decide.
D: Is that how -
F: YES.
D: You mortals are so stupid!
F: That's us, dumb as rocks, go away now

[HARVEST SEASON]
D: I have returned, damned soul!
WIFE: [o.s.] John, who’s that?
F: [calling] Demonic sharecropper.
W: Incubus?
D: I'm not.
F: He’s not, hon!
W: Tell him about the baseball bat I keep by the nightstand.
F: She keeps a baseball bat by -
D: I’M NOT AN INCUBUS

D: Enough chit-chat. Where’re the crops?
F: Here we are, a beautiful, healthy field of corn.
D: Awesome! Divy it up.
F: First we have to harvest it.
D: Can I help? I want to get my hands dirty. Other than with the tears of sinners, I mean.
F: Okay calm down.

[FARMER & DEVIL are cutting down corn]
D: Ah, cutting off ears with an oversized blade. Takes me back to my first internship.
F: They have farms in hell?
D: No.
F: … let’s get back to work.

D: Finally, the corn's all cut. Now where’s my share? I want to go brag to Beelzebub how good I am at farming.
F: [points to field] There you go.
D: … that’s just the stalk stubble.
F: Not true! You got some shredded leaves in there… probably some bugs…

D: Cute.
F: You’re pretty adorable yourself.
D: There’s still a year left in our bargain Next harvest, *I* get the top half.
F: Fine.
D: Now I’m off to go do devil things.
F: Cool.
D: Don’t try anything tricksy.
F: I would never.
D: Bec-
F: OMG GOOOOOOOO

WIFE: I brought you boys some lemonade -
F: Too late, he’s gone.
W:He’ll be back?
F: Just once more.
W: Be careful, try not to leave us destitute, and DO NOT LOSE YOUR SOUL.
F: Like you wouldn’t arm wrestle Satan for it and win.
W: I *would*, but still.

[NEXT HARVEST]
D: Mortal! It is I, come from the darkest - huh.
F: What?
D: The wheat looks different this year.
F: Is it even wheat? I didn’t check.
[Dig dig dig]
F: Well, would you look at that! Turnips!
D: Gee.
F: Ah, nature. So mysterious and without reason.

D: I think I see where this is going.
F: If you see it going to the place where I get the bottom half of the crop, i.e. all the turnips, then yes.
D: Joke’s on you. You ever tried to mash a turnip? Impossible. We actually use that as punishment where I’m from.

D: We’ll have 1 last contest to decide ownership of this land.
F: That wasn’t the deal!
D: I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t -
F: Yeah, yeah. You have Star Wars in hell?
D: Special Edition.
F: Diabolical!
D: Tell me about it, HAN SHOT FIRST, SEEING OTHERWISE IS TORTURE.

D: We’ll have a plowing competition.
WIFE: HEYOOO!
D: Er, grass-cutting competition. First to clear his half wins.
F: Great, see you tomorrow.
[DEVIL poofs out, WIFE runs in]
W: Wait, your lemonade - dang.
F: You really want him to try that, huh?
W: I made it with holy water.

Next day:
D: My scythe keeps catching on something!
F: Must be that hard grass I’ve heard about.
It was not, in fact, hard grass. It was iron rods Farmer stuck amidst the blades the night before. The devil, who I’m beginning to think is not that bright, failed to recognize this.

D: This sucks, and the sun’s too bright, and I didn’t want your stupid land anyway.
F: So we’re square, then?
D: Yup. ...You know, if you want to go double or nothing, I got this golden fiddle -
F: Honey?
[WIFE runs in & belts DEVIL in the face w/ a pitcher of lemonade]

The moral of the story is, don't be afraid to use your superior knowledge of agriculture to rook demons out of their money.

Also lemonade doubles as mace, even against non-infernals.