Thread by @PGeeman

1. Hello and welcome! It’s episode 207 of #MrMrsBetterHalf. Mr. & Mrs. Better Half is designed to strengthen marriages & relationships that will lead to marriage, with wisdom from God's Word.

2. If you missed the last episode, we discussed the topic- ‘My husband believes sex is his right and that there’s no need for him to request it or to be romantic. What’s wrong with him? Or is it me?’ If you missed it, get it here bit.ly/2uhxKio #MrMrsBetterHalf.

3. This week’s episode situation is: ‘My wife can keep malice with me for months! Is she even a Christian?’ It’s sad to say that I hear this complaint far too often from men and women alike. #MrMrsBetterHalf

4. Now first let it be understood that this is not about what your spouse did to you; it’s about your reaction to it whether the provocation was big or small. The crime is a different issue that we can handle at a different time. #MrMrsBetterHalf

5. One thing we must always remember in life is that you might not be able to control what comes at you but you can always control how you react to it. The choice to keep malice or to forgive is not forced on you; it is one you have to choose. #MrMrsBetterHalf

6. Now to keep malice differs from just withdrawing into your shell. A person who withdraws may be the kind who is very sensitive and needs some alone time to lick his or her wounds and to heal. This is an offshoot of his/her personality type. #MrMrsBetterHalf

7. However even if you are the kind of person who withdraws, you should not leave your spouse or significant other hanging. The right thing to do or say is that you just need a little time to process things alone, not to cut your mate off. #MrMrsBetterHalf

8. Do not just go cold and become uncommunicative because you confuse your mate and he or she does not know what to do and may end up further aggravating the situation by reacting to your withdrawal. So please communicate. #MrMrsBetterHalf

9. Now malice on the other hand as its name implies is malicious in its intent. It means that the person who is keeping malice harbours an intention or desire to do evil or cause harm or at least some measure of pain. #MrMrsBetterHalf

10. People keep malice on different levels. There are those who keep communication to greetings and transactions. ‘Good morning, will you take the kids to school?’ This is communication devoid of warmth or anything personal. #MrMrsBetterHalf

11. There are those who communicate but lock up a certain part of themselves and refuse to let their mates past a certain point. So, for instance, your spouse hurts you and you build up a wall to protect yourself from being hurt again. #MrMrsBetterHalf

12. So even though on the face of it you seem to be communicating, something has changed. You are not as close as before and you refuse to show any vulnerability in the place where you were hurt. #MrMrsBetterHalf

13. The problem with this is that for wounds to heal they need to be opened and treated. What you cover festers and gets infected even more with time. It’s better to open up. Revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing. #MrMrsBetterHalf

14. Finally, there are people who completely stonewall. They don’t communicate with their spouses at all and there’s a cold war in their home. Regardless of which kind of malice you practice, none of them are acceptable. It needs to stop! #MrMrsBetterHalf

15. Why do we keep malice? To ‘show’ the object of our angst ‘pepper’. We want to ensure they feel uncomfortable by withdrawing love, kindness, and communications and acting cruelly to them in a passive-aggressive manner. #MrMrsBetterHalf

16. For some people, it’s a powerful way to show their displeasure. These are the ones that may not raise their voices or hands but will deal a deadly blow by withdrawing communication, love, and affection. #MrMrsBetterHalf

17. For other people, it is how they get their way and is a powerful tool of manipulation. Manipulation of this sort creates a very unhealthy dynamic in the home because you inadvertently keep your spouse in bondage. #MrMrsBetterHalf

18. He or she is forced to do your bidding because to disagree with you is to immediately lose you. This is particularly dangerous because once your spouse gets fed up with the cycle, separation and divorce become very attractive. #MrMrsBetterHalf

19. Now to the person who tends to keep malice, you need to find out another way to communicate your displeasure with a view to resolving the problem. Don’t just go off into a sulk. It’s not only very childish it is also unproductive. #MrMrsBetterHalf

20. Maybe you’ve been doing this all your life and this is how you have always operated- it is time to make a change unless you want to permanently damage your home. Remember growing old is automatic; growing up is intentional. #MrMrsBetterHalf

21. You must learn how to communicate even when you are upset. Even if you need to read books, or go for counseling, you must learn how to talk to your spouse and others to resolve issues. No more bottling things up. #MrMrsBetterHalf

22. Just as the body needs oxygen to survive, communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Find ways to engage in meaningful discussions and resolve your squabbles even when it’s hard. This is what it means to grow up. #MrMrsBetterHalf

23. Besides, malice leads to a breakdown in other areas. E.g. You can’t be intimate when keeping malice. There are couples that want to have kids but are always in a malice cycle. It damages the home in many ways. Please deal with it. #MrMrsBetterHalf

24. Also when you withdraw emotionally you give room for both emotional and physical affairs with other people. These are very real dangers to the health and sanctity of your home. #MrMrsBetterHalf

25. For those who consider it a tool for manipulation, the truth is that you need to ask yourself if you truly love your spouse. You do not manipulate people you love. How can you claim to love someone and refuse to talk to him or her? #MrMrsBetterHalf

26. Imagine if your spouse’s love language is quality time or words of affirmation and you always keep malice. Imagine what that does to him or her every time you withdraw and shut them out. That is cruelty, not love. #MrMrsBetterHalf

27. The sad thing is that some people even do this to their children! Do not turn yourself into a demigod that people have to tiptoe around for fear that you will keep malice with them. Your home cannot thrive in a hateful atmosphere. #MrMrsBetterHalf

28. Understand that malice is an emotional weakness not a weapon of strength. If you want to keep your marriage strong and healthy, decide to overcome this weakness and ask your spouse and other friends to help to keep you accountable. #MrMrsBetterHalf

29. For the person whose spouse is the malice keeper, be strong and remember that your spouse is exhibiting what he or she knows or has experienced. It is very possible that malice was the modus operandi where he/she grew up. #MrMrsBetterHalf

30. The key is to deal with him/her with understanding. With this is in mind, kindly but firmly confront your spouse because what you don’t confront will continue. Don’t ignore, reciprocate or reward bad behaviour with the same. #MrMrsBetterHalf

31. It is tempting to also keep malice with your spouse to give him or her a taste of his or her medicine but don't do it because your home will sink into anarchy. Instead, insist on engaging in discussions. #MrMrsBetterHalf

32. When doing so- don’t bait your spouse. Don’t call him or her childish or immature to get a response and don’t lash out at them in anger. Just go to him or her calmly and ask to have a conversation around the issue that caused the problem. #MrMrsBetterHalf

33. If your spouse says he or she is too angry to talk about it, request a specific time and place in the near future when you can talk about it- but insist that you must talk about it. If your spouse still refuses to engage, it’s time to escalate. #MrMrsBetterHalf

34. Now many couples hate bringing people into their business but isolation is a recipe for disaster. If 2 countries are at war, a neutral party needs to wade in to help them resolve their issues. It's the same with marriage. #MrMrsBetterHalf

35. Your marriage cannot be at an impasse and you refuse to let someone help you. It’s foolishness. This is why during marriage counseling I ask young couples to choose one person/couple they both agree to turn to if things go wrong. #MrMrsBetterHalf

36. If both of you can agree to be accountable to that one person/couple then you have given your spouse consent to turn to him or her when you are being difficult or unreasonable. #MrMrsBetterHalf

37. This is a good point to tell singles to be very careful when the person you’re dating shows signs of being a malice bearer- you must confront the issue head-on and even discuss it during counseling so that he or she works on it. #MrMrsBetterHalf

38. Finally, if your spouse or mate is making a valiant attempt at dealing with his or her tendency to keep malice, be patient and encourage them. Forgive their frailty and show them by example that love is about forgiving. #MrMrsBetterHalf

39. I hope this has been helpful. I will be back next week with another topic. If you have a question, feel free to send me a message and I will try to address it in subsequent episodes. #MrMrsBetterHalf

40. Till then, thank you for following, participating and retweeting. May your marriages and relationships be sweet! #MrMrsBetterHalf