Thread by @Vengeful_Doe

Ever wonder how burnt offerings got started? Or your baby is secretly a genius &/or trolling you? You’ll find the answers in a #folklorethursday story thread called
Hermes & the Cows of Apollo
Or
‘Burn, Baby, Burn”
IMAGE: ‘Landschaft mit Apollo und Merkur,’ Claude Lorrain (1604)

[The COURTROOM OF OLYMPUS. APOLLO & HERMES stand before a tribunal comprised of all the other gods. HERMES, it should be noted, is a literal toddler.]
ARTEMIS: [sotto] Picking on someone your own size-slash-maturity level, bro?
APOLLO: shaddup

ZEUS: Theft, arson, transporting livestock across state lines … serious charges, Hermes. How do you plead?
HERMES: Your honor, I am but a simple small-town baby lawyer -
APOLLO: Lies, your honor! LIES!
Z: Calm down, Tom Cruise, we’ll get to you.
H: Not guilty.
A: liessssss

Z: Apollo, wh-
A: [1 breath] My best cows went missing & there were no tracks & I looked everywhere & I was so scared & then an old man said he saw them with a kid who told him to keep quiet -
H: That two-faced rat bastard! …is what I bet that kid would say if he existed.

A: Then I saw cow bones & then I saw a crane & realized it was a son of Zeus who did it -
Z: The crane told you that?
A: No, I divined it.
Z: ...
A: I’m the god of augury, remember?
Z: Oh, excuse me, Mr. Has-More-Areas-of-Influence-than-I-Have-Kids. Moving on.

A: So I go to Maia’s cave & see this creep [points to HERMES] smelling like BBQ and acting all innocent so I said, “You stole my cows!” and he said “Goo goo ga ga” but he was SMIRKING so I brought him here so you can tell him to NOT TOUCH MY STUFF. [dramatically] I rest my case!

Z: Maia, you see this?
M: jfc this DAY, I give birth, take a nap, wake up, kid’s asleep in his cradle -
H: As babies do!
M: & there’re 50 cows outside.
Z: That didn’t seem strange?
M: I thought it was a late baby shower bc no one threw me one before. Ahem.
[Everyone looks guilty]

M: Then Apollo busts in, throws all my stuff on the floor-
A: I was looking for the perp!
M: IN MY F*CKING CHINA HUTCH?
H: I can’t corroborate that part since I was asleep at the time.
Z: Riiiiight.
A: Sorry for the mess, Maia.
M: I’m filing counterclaims when this is over, pal.

H: I’m rudely awoken from my innocent baby slumber, & when I try to refute these slanderous accusations in my limited baby vocabulary, he drags me up here.
M: Add ‘kidnapping’ to the charges.
H: Babynapping.
M: Babynapping, your honor.
Z: Don’t encourage him.
M: I’m gonna, tho

APOLLO: Cross-examination! Did you take my cows?
H: No.
A: DID you?
H: No.
A: Cows. Did you take ‘em?
H: No.
A: Did…
H: Uh-huh…
A: You…
H: Uh-huh…
A: takemycowsy/n.
H: I did not.
A: Damn, you’re good.

H: How could I have taken your cows… when I don’t even know what a cow IS? Ah-HA!
A: Ah-ha-HA! If you don’t know what a cow is, how do you know you didn’t take them?
H: Ah-ha-ha-HA! … shit.
A: I rest my case!
Z: Again?
A: Wait, no, I have expert witnesses, forgot about those.

[ARTEMIS & ATHENA step forward.]
AT: Apollo hired us to get to the bottom of this.
AR: She & I solve crimes in our spare time. I track ‘em down -
AT: I collect clues -
HESTIA: Together they are HUNT & GATHER, GOD DETECTIVES!
[Everyone looks at HESTIA]
H: I’m the Alfred.

AT: [reads from notebook] At precisely 7:32 AM, suspect left cave & walked to Pieria where herd in question was grazing. He proceeded to tie bark to their hooves & brooms to their tails & led them out backwards to try and disguise their tracks.
AR: Keyword “try.” [buffs nails]

AT: En route to Mt. Cyllene, 2 cows were cooked but not eaten, hooves burned to prevent ID, guts removed for reasons unknown. DNA evidence -
AR: Cowflops.
AT: - found by Maia’s cave. Also an unrelated shell-less tortoise corpse.
AR: In conclusion: My brother got got by an infant.

Z: Hermes, rebuttal?
H: I would but I’d rather gloat so YES, IT WAS ME!
AP: I rest my -
Z: Shhh.
H: And I’d’ve gotten away with it but for these meddling goddesses! And that rat-fink shepherd! & - what was that thing you saw?
AP: A crane-omen.
H: Ominous waterbirds!

H: There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for my actions, however.
A: This should be good.
H: I -
Z: Before you begin please note “funsies” is not a valid excuse.
H: Ah. … Webster’s Dictionary defines “piety” as -
A: Oh my goooooooood ARREST HIM, DAD

H: 1st off, when I took those cows I *found* for a walk -
A: Conveniently ignoring the brand marking them as mine?
H: Can’t read, am baby - I thought, hey, why not start life off right and make a sacrifice to the 12 gods?
Z: 12? There are 11 by my count.
H: Oh, you haven’t heard?

H: So I took 2 measly cows & burnt their carcasess to honor -
AT: Hold up, because that part actually stumped me. Where’d you get the fire?
H: Invented it.
AT: What?
H: Just gotta rub two sticks together.
[From far, far away:]
PROMETHEUS: IT WAS THAT EASY THE WHOLE TIME? FUUUUU

H: So while I get you’re upset, Apollo, you haven’t lost cows, you’ve gained a brand-new ritual of propitiation
A: I -
H: And a pretty dope one at that.
A: But -
HEPHAESTUS: Setting stuff on fire is very cool.
A: My cowwwwwwws, tho

H: If it please the court -
Z: This whole trial has been delightful, go nuts.
H: My closing argument will be in song. [Pulls out a tortoise shell strung w/cow gut.]
AT: So THAT’S what that was for! Case closed!
AR: What is it?
AT: It’s… doesn’t matter, case closed.

H: [strumming shell-lyre] All the godly babies
(all the godly babies)
Hey Apollo sorry that I borrowed your cattle
I’ll make it up to you, no need to have a big battle
Please remember I’m a babe with a wee rattle
O o o
APOLLO: [rapt] omg play another
H: some
BODY

A: Give me that beautiful, gross instrument & all is forgiven.
H: Throw in rustic divination powers so I can talk to cranes or whatever & we’ve got a deal.
A: Are you bargaining with me?
H: Have we MET?

A: You’ve got a deal. I’m going really easy on you, but after all, you *are* just a bab-
H: Deal! [HERMES immediately matures into an adult.] Whew, that was getting old.
A: you son of a -
Z: I think you’ll fit in just fine, kid.
AT: Srsly can we be genius besties or something

Z: I need a herald and diplomat, want the job?
H: Sure!
Z: No more lying, though.
H: Really?
Z: Outright lying.
H: *Really?*
Z: Getting caught lying.
H: There we go.

And so Hermes became the 12th god and one of the nicest, although between heralding & escorting the dead to Hades, he may’ve just been too busy to be a jerk.
The moral is, don’t trust babies. They’re all treacherous.