Thread by @seananmcguire

All right: let's take a moment to talk about reading the room, and how not to promote yourself at conventions. A few disclaimers before we begin:

1. This was sparked by a specific incident. I will not be naming the person involved, because they weren't malicious, just a little purposefully clueless. PUA techniques don't get you a girlfriend and they don't get you a project collaborator.

2. The fact that this was sparked by a specific incident doesn't mean that it was a UNIQUE incident. This is something I've seen enough to become very frustrated by it.

So:

Every year at #SDCC, a bunch of us descend on the San Diego Buca di Beppo for too much pasta at an affordable price. This year's dinner was disrupted by some of the worst-behaved children we've ever had the misfortune to be seated near; we settled our check and left.

Since we would normally have stayed at the restaurant for at least another hour, we went back to the hotel lobby instead, forming a conversation pit by stealing multiple chairs and settling in for the long haul.

Two notes here: Because we were in public, we were definitely aware that we might be approached within socially acceptable limits. Because we had closed our circle, we were also signalling that we didn't want long, uninvited visits.

These are social signals that most people who do the con circuit are very familiar with. And yes, unspoken social cues can be very difficult for some of us, but that's not what happened after we got settled.

Our group included: two television writers, three comic writers, three prose writers, one journalist, one publisher, two artists, and one professional musician. (Some of the people in our party fell into more than one of those categories.)

One of the prose writers was doodling, and said she wasn't any good. Both artists (and me) agreed that if she were a man, she would already be getting published. We laughed, a little pained by the accuracy, and moved on.

This was when Mr. Hustle showed up.

Now, of our group, almost all of us were women. We had one man, and one non-binary individual. Mr. Hustle focused immediately on our man, with a little more attention for our non-binary person. Women, ignored.

"Excuse me," he said. "Didn't I see you on a panel about how to write?"
Our dude allowed as how this was probably true.
"That panel was amazing."
Our dude was appreciative.
"I'm a writer, too."
We all made supportive noises.

This was a mistake.

Mr. Hustle promptly went into his pitch. And the reason I say that this was PUA techniques, and not a lack of social awareness, is that he knew it was a pitch. He called it a pitch, called it a hustle, said several times "this is why I came to con."

We were not receptive. We were still trying to be polite, so we never said "please leave," but we were signaling "please leave" very, very hard, right up until he said that he had pre-paid his comic artist and didn't understand why he wasn't getting pages.

Everyone groans. Our comic publisher (also an artist, a writer, and in the "categorically ignored" group) began trying to explain the realities of the situation. He began checking everything she said past our dude, who is not a comic publisher.

His friends appear. They are going for crepes. "GO GET CREPES," we chorus, like a creepy hive-mind of desperate people who just want him to leave already.

He does not go get crepes.

I have a butter knife. I begin flipping the butter knife in my hand, seeking higher and higher and fancier and fancier tricks. I comment on how good I am at throwing knives. He does not notice, as I am a woman and thus invisible.

(Like, seriously, if I'm talking to a group of people I don't know and one of them starts SLINGING CUTLERY, I'm out.)

We are getting more frustrated. He is clearly picking up on our "please leave" signals, as he keeps going "just one more thing." We move on from trying to be subtle/polite, to "please leave." He distributes business cards.

His business cards, I should note, have a trademarked slogan/graphic from a writing group I am familiar with. I ask if he's affiliated, he says no. I suggest a new graphic. He sees me for the first time, to ask why he would do that.

Someone's gonna get sued, is what I'm saying here.

He finally leaves. About ten minutes later, his friends return, and come over to RESUME THE PITCH.

We pre-emptively ask them to leave. We are basically done with being hustled for the night. We want to talk to our friends and not deal with this shit.

The friends are nonplussed. One of our TV writers offers a polite, "But it was nice meeting you," and gets a surly, "No, it actually wasn't," in reply as they storm off.

So. Here we go, on to the point of this thread.

POINT THE FIRST: The Hustle.

If delivering "the hustle" to strangers you think might be famous when you see them in your hotel lobby is why you go to con...stay home. Seriously. THIS DOES NOT WORK. Yes, collaborations can arise from cons. Yes, you can get work at cons.

No, you CANNOT, for the most part, get work at cons by rushing up to Someone Maybe Famous and telling them what a genius you are.

But but but! Maybe you're attending an event! A Hustle Speed Dating Party, where everyone has consented to being hustled! Okay, keen. Maybe don't focus on the famous person and ignore their friends? Because then you look like an asshole?

Several people have figured out that the true secret to making me want to talk to them about their work is being nice to @infamousfiddler. Someone who spends time with my girlfriend is a lot more likely to have my attention when they ask for it.

Like, Mr. Hustle full-out ignored with publication credits at least as hefty as our one dude's--and while he shouldn't have ignored ANYONE, he sort of damaged his hustle by limiting it to the one person he had decided to go for.

POINT THE SECOND: Read the room. We were not welcoming. We were closed off, social and civil because we were in a public place, but not inviting, not encouraging. He latched one because He Smelled Fame, which is understandable--people are hungry--but did him no favors.

If you have trouble with those kinds of social cues, as so many of us do, bring a wingman who can extricate you before you go from "guy in lobby" to "Mr. Hustle." Guy in lobby might have a chance tomorrow. Mr. Hustle will be remembered, and has NO chance. He lost it.

Public spaces are public spaces. We have been approached for autographs and quick chats in hotel lobbies, and that's the price of sitting there--a price we're happy to pay. But if you're not actively invited into the conversation, be aware of that.

This kind of Mr. Hustle depends on knowing that people don't want to be perceived as rude: don't want to say "please leave me alone." Hence why I say he was using PUA techniques. We were all SAYING no, he just refused to hear it.

Mr. Hustle turned a pleasant evening with friends into something awkward, and both he and his friends probably went away thinking they'd done nothing wrong, because that's the easiest lie to tell yourself in a situation like this. That doesn't make it true.

Please. Be aware, and keep your hustle to places where it's welcome.

I still liked that knife, though.