Martha Profile picture
Aug 2, 2018 11 tweets 4 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
TRUMP: Everything is half off. Everything in the store. Half off. It’s a big sale, believe me. I’m losing a lot of money because this sale is so big

CUSTOMER: You just doubled prices on everything.

TRUMP: Prices are lower than they’ve ever been.
CUSTOMER: The President said prices would be lower, but this mango is $30.

SARAH SANDERS: He meant that they would be lower in the sense that they are lower than some other numbers that exist. For example, 9,728. Or 386.5836. 30 is lower than both of those.
CUSTOMER: The President promised a sale on everything, but he’s giving discounts to Vladimir Putin.

HANNITY: Hillary bought an onion once. What do onions have? Layers. Like nesting dolls. Which come from Russia. Which proves this discount was HER idea!
TRUMP: I have hired the best, most qualified people to work at my store. Truly, the most tremendous people.

SCOTT PRUITT: For my safety, I’ve equipped the produce section with lasers and put a shark tank in paper goods.
TRUMP: My store has the best people. Highly qualified. They are going to make groceries great again.

BETSY DEVOS: Siri, do kids need groceries? Is food good for kids?
TRUMP: You will not believe how amazing my staff is. These are incredible people. The very best. No one knows groceries as well as my team.

RICK PERRY: this not a Home Depot? My bad.
CUSTOMER: There are rats in Trump’s store.

TRUMP (on tape): There are rats in my store.

TRUMP: Those rats were low level volunteer rats that I knew nothing about. Also there were no rats. Even if there were rats (which there weren’t!), rats are not a crime.
HILLARY: *does not own or run a grocery store*

CUSTOMER: I came into Trump’s grocery store and my child was taken from me at the door.

*weeks later*

IVANKA TRUMP: That was a low point. I am vehemently against this policy, which is why I waited weeks to say anything about it. That’s what vehemently means.
HEALTH DEPARTMENT: Here’s the schedule for next week’s round of surprise inspections at the local grocery stores.

DEVIN NUNES: Excuse me, I must get this information to the President immediately.
PA: Clean up on aisle...well, all of them really.

ESTABLISHMENT GOP: (standing in front of a mop and bucket) It is shameful that no one is cleaning this up. This is no way to run a grocery store.

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