Thread by @tpierrain

I have noticed that people who say «  #pairProgramming is not for me », have generally had painful experiences that they have not yet had the opportunity to overcome.

The discomfort felt is often so personal that they wished to close this box with all that it contained.

They leave then with a certain bitterness and an idea which allows to console themselves: "it is not for me".

Pairing is like communicating. It is sometimes extremely complicated.

This ultimately requires a lot of skill, maturity, as well as a good knowledge about oneself.

The ability to appreciate others as well. To read in them. To be empathetic enough so we can understand them, their mindset but also to detect which way will be most effective to carry our message.

To be heard. The least exhausting too sometimes. For us, and for the other.

The key point is that WE ARE NOT ALL WIRED THE SAME WAY. Our basic needs are not the same and the means to feed them either.

Worse: a simple sentence, a word or some non-verbal in one can trigger a real cataclysm to the other.

Without this awareness of the importance of psychology in these exchanges, pairing sessions can be nightmarish ... or delicious.

It will actually depend on your profile and the one on the other side. It plays a little sometimes.

My friend @malk_zameth has also very well described what sociology could bring to understand some springs of this dynamic sometimes unfair at first ( medium.com/@Romeu/agility… ).

But don’t say: « it's not for me ».

Instead, ask yourself: «  what did not work with him/her in this session, and why did it affect me so much so that I don’t want to try it again soon? »

If you're interested in what's going on during these difficult exchanges or frustrations, you'll find tons of tips n tricks that will help you to pair effectively & with pleasure. Helpful for life also.

I now consider some challenging pairing sessions as katas of psychology.

There are very effective models for this too.The one who saved me in my difficulties at work|home: processcommunication.com.

An amazing model to understand oneself and the others. To adapt our speech according to the interlocutor while maintaining our energy so as not to run out

This incredible model was funded by NASA, which at the time was looking for a way for their employees - which are often brilliant - to not fight each other in situations of intense stress and in closed environments.

Brilliant and very pragmatic.

Pairing when properly practiced is incredibly effective. Do not miss out on such a discovery. Get out of your comfort zone. Reopen your box and try the experience again.

This will teach you a lot about yourself but also be very useful in life, beyond the code.