Thread by @cmccrudden

Book Twitter!

It’s Thursday! It’s raining! It’s #bookloversday

So let’s play a game of…

Choose your own HOT DEAD GIRL thriller

First, choose your corpse. How young and hot will yours be?

But before we know anything about your HOT DEAD GIRL we need to know her hair colour.

Why?

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe you’re going to use it as lazy character determinism.

So her hair will be…

Your novel opens as dawn breaks over a bleak setting. A place without hope, or beauty. (Maybe Swindon.)

An ideal place to discover a gruesome murder.

Where is it?

Now it’s time we meet your detective.

He’s grizzled. He’s world-weary. He’s been passed up for promotion 9 times because he’s a MAVERICK WHO GETS RESULTS.

He needs a name that sounds like a brand of tyres or a discontinued make of biscuits.

What is it?

And your detective needs character.

So what quirky hobby will you give him because you can't be fucked to write him an actual personality?

Back to the story...

Your detective reaches as the scene as the rising sun lingers over the body of HOT DEAD GIRL.

This is your first chance (of many) to write a lingering description of her hotness and deadness.

What will it expose?

Back at the police station, HOT DEAD GIRL’s body is on the cold slab downstairs.

And your detective is upstairs jumping to conclusions.

How is he derailing his own investigation?

Because he likes to GET RESULTS your detective charges the wrong man after a little light brutality.

Who will he hilariously finger for HOT DEAD GIRL's murder before getting referred to the Police Complaint’s Commission?

Meanwhile your detective’s assistant, Mel Thankless, is doing the footwork and emotional labour required to break the case open.

She’s harassed, troubled and (thanks sexism!) under-promoted.

But what tiresome crime novelist trope will you use to Make Mel’s life a misery?

While grizzled detective is getting carpeted by the PCC, Mel discovers your HOT DEAD GIRL was living with a dark secret.

What is it, and how will you use it to imply it was HOT DEAD GIRL’s own fault for getting murdered

Now we know HOT DEAD GIRL was tangled up in skullduggery, our detective takes the case back from Mel.

Why? Because he gets to go inappropriately undercover in a seamy sub-culture of shadowy vice.

What stupid thing will he do to crack the case?

While he’s undercover your detective meets and immediately falls in love with a girl.

She’s troubled, she’s wild, she’s so clearly earmarked as HOT DEAD GIRL No. 2 there’s a target printed on the back of her mini-dress.

What’s the age difference between them?

So because your detective is an IDIOT.

And sleeps with HOT DEAD GIRL NO. 2.

How does he gets caught up with her death & become a suspect in his own murder investigation?

Your detective languishes in custody! He lies, meditating on the fallen beauty of TWO HOT DEAD GIRLS.

But it’s okay, because Mel is close to catching the killer with actual policework.

How will she do it?

But because this is a HOT DEAD GIRL thriller, Mel gets an attack of protagonist-itis and doesn't call for back-up after cracking the case.

So how does she nearly become HOT DEAD GIRL NO. 3

It's okay though, because your detective swoops in to save the day at the

LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT.

How does he realise who the killer is?

How will your detective save Mel from the clutches of HOT DEAD GIRL killer?

And how will your detective mysteriously take all the credit for solving the case...

WHEN HE DID ABSOLUTELY FAFF ALL OF USE?

That's it. Congratulations, you've written your own...

CHOOSE YOUR OWN HOT DEAD GIRL THRILLER.!

Check back tomorrow for a blurb of 2019's hottest publishing sensation.