Thread by @CZEdwards

#TailorSnarkWars
MetaBattle: Self-perception&Cognition
I. Our brains are out to get us
II. Dementia comes for us all
III. Narcissism is an underlying feature/bug of consciousness
IV. Try not look like a 40 year old vampire even if you are

***V. Defense Against The Dark Arts***

This is gonna be a continuing series, because it’s complex. How we think about fashion is just one aspect of how we think and perceive. I’ve been working on this for a while. It’s foundational. Per usual, I’m just articulating what you already know.

Prior threads in this series:

https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1029094521798242304?s=21

https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1029449327377174528?s=21

https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1029804899792347136?s=21

https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1030224977818046464?s=21

End Repetitive Content

V. Defense against the Dark Arts
Ok.
We have an idea how narcissism is born in baby brains, how it’s created in adults, how it manifests in an individual & how it can be transmitted through culture.

But what is it like in the real world? Who is our Professor Lupin on this?

Children of Narcissists. Seriously. The ones who get out are your best resource. Look at your circle. The ones who NEVER mention their parents? Don’t talk about their childhood? Who lives thousands of miles away from where they were born? There’s a good chance that’s why.

The ones who do talk publicly are rarities, because we’ve processed it & we’re NEVER letting someone else go through this if we can help it.
Most are just quiet. If you gain their trust & get them talking, they’re a font of good advice for surviving. But the hard part is 1 & 2.

Here’s some fictional examples, to use like Plane Spotting cards.

* Mother Gothel in Tangled (An Ur example now.)
* Mrs Ferrars & Fanny Ferrars Dashwood in the Sky TV Sense & Sensibility or the original book. (Alas, the Ang Lee S&S doesn’t have enough of either.)

Firelord Ozai in Avatar: The Last Airbender
The Dressmaker (for a depiction of non-religious culture-bound narcissism)
Scarlett O’Hara
Ordinary People
King George, You’ll Be Back, Hamilton
The Police: Every Breath You Take & Roxanne
Gilmore Girls, Emily (covert)

Jack Shepherd , LOST (covert narc. Go into a rewatch pegging him as a villain.)(Also because serious decompensation in later seasons.)

Guardians of the Galaxy 2. (3 letters & he’s not blue.)

Wesley Wyndham Price’s father in Angel. And Wesley’s means of coping.

Veronica Mars: Logan’s parents & sister (Logan shows fleas - mimicking the narcissist’s behavior, a form of Stockholm syndrome - but seems to get through it per late seasons/movie/books)
Charles McGill, Better Call Saul (Not sure on Jimmy. Not sure on Saul, either.)

The first Mrs Bates, Downton Abbey (The Crawleys are arrogant, but not narcissists. There is a difference.)

Walter White, Breaking Bad (such a likeable asshole once upon a time, wasn’t he?)

I’m sure you can add more. I’m specifically not using real people. Fiction gives us useful exaggeration & editing.

If you can map a character onto someone you know, be prepared to be careful as fuck with that person. Because they’re not trying to hide it.

Once you start to ID potential destructive behavior in others, get a reality check. Not someone involved in whatever situation. And try to get this trusted outsider to witness what bothers you *without* telling them why you want them to see it. You can tell them afterwards.

It’s okay to say “I need a really big favor and I can’t explain yet.” If this person is in your corner, they’ll figure out a way to help.

Asking for the favor itself is a good test of trustworthiness.

Video encounters. Get audio recordings. (Observe local laws; if you live in a 2 party recording state, DO NOT post your video or otherwise put it in public. You’re using it for you, not for distribution/evidence. NEVER give a narc the opportunity to sue.)

But trust yourself. You wouldn’t notice / be uncomfortable w/o reason. Especially if you’ve experienced abuse or gaslighting in the past. It tunes you to recognize it at a subconscious level.

It makes you sensitive: It’s GOOD. It’s not paranoia. (That’s the gaslighting talking.)

It’s better to be a little too guarded for a little too long, than too open too early. It’s much easier to warm up to someone late than to evict them from your life or erase from their mind the knowledge about you that could hurt you later.

If you’ve known them a long time, start fading away in preparation to ghost. If they’re not in your house/direct line family member, just skip their calls sometimes. Delay doing stuff with them. Sit on their email/posts. Short answers. Don’t give them a new phone number.

If the person has power over you: don’t delay while looking for confirmation. Questioning alone says this relationship is sketchy b/c there’s a power imbalance.

Bad kink analogy: If the Dom has a bad rep, you don’t start with breath play. You don’t even start with leather.

Rule of thumb: knowing everything you know about that person, would you hire them as a financial manager? Caretaker for a fragile elderly person or a newborn?

If the answer is no? Start planning how to disentangle yourself from that person. You can still see them socially or professionally. But it’s time to change jobs, move out of their jurisdiction, get them booted out of office, not be dependent on them for your housing.

I say this like it’s easy — it’s not. This can take years. But this is the ultimate goal, so start working the steps. Break the problem down however you have to, but start with the ultimate goal and work backwards until you’ve got a course of action with alternate paths.

To move out, you need money, you have to clean the house, you’ll need a a better job? Okay, that’s an action plan. Break the tasks down further. You need to take out the trash today. You need to look at your resume. You need to check your budget.

THIS, by the way, is the best use of the often maladaptive behavior called catastrophizing (where you think only about worst case scenarios.)

We who have been abused often think in worst case scenarios so we’re always prepared and never disappointed when shit hits fan.

If that person happens to be in national exec office, know it’s a VERY long haul & much work &your part is small.
That’s okay. One brick at a time.
There’s not a lot we can do except support our legislators, boot the others & work locally to defend the ground upon which we stand.

No seriously, let’s get comfortable with long-term thinking. Yes, our immediate goal is November 6. That’s just NEXT, not the END. Your state legislature schedule also better be on your calendar. And your city/county board.

Cities, counties & states have a ton of power. Their MINIMUM set of rights is what the federal government requires. We can add rights above that, protect repro care, LGBTQIA rights, environment.

Let’s please use States Rights to our advantage for once!

But most of our most abusive people are local, or family, or both. And some of the same defenses work on both the shitgibbon & our local problem adult toddlers, so let’s deploy.

Communicate in writing or with the phone always recording. (Again, if you’re in a 2 party state, be prepared to go writing only.)

If this person has a history of gaslighting you, or conveniently forgetting commitments, get it on record. Stop letting them do it.

You’d fire an employee or quit using a biz for that.

They get one chance. When they break the next commitment, don’t make another. Cut your losses. Be done.

Even if they owe you money, it better be a high multiple of your best hourly rate. Because some shit ain’t worth it.

If it takes you two hours to get them to pay an hour of your best hourly rate, that person has just bled you. You lost money. Your time is valuable.

It’s unfortunate we cannot write off personal loans like corporations can, but so it goes.

If they’re your boss, and they’re doing something actually illegal, like not paying you for every second you worked, or not letting you take your PTO, report their ass to the Department of Labor and start looking for another job. Also, employment lawyer.

Even if you’re in a right to work state, wage theft is pretty easy to prove by audit. (Same with harassment or abuse. Start recording.) Take screenshots/pics of your schedules. Document.
Don’t cry.
Don’t despair.
Be MAD.
REBEL.

No job is worth loyalty to cruelty.

The worst a boss can do is fire you.

If they’re abusing you,

1) they just made your case! WOOO Fucking HOO!

2) why do you want to be there?

We’ve got low unemployment. Best time to be job hunting!

And start practicing this technique: Grey Rock.
lovefraud.com/the-gray-rock-…
aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock…

Your goal is to be the least interesting object in their field of view so they go bother someone else. (Yeah, that sucks for someone else. As long as the someone else isn’t a child or vulnerable adult, spread the misery. There’s no reason you have to be the target all the time.)

Be prepared to vent the irritation & fear this will cause you, and YOU CANNOT DO IT where the narc can see or hear.

You can’t let it spill onto someone who doesn’t deserve it.

But don’t hold it. Don’t bottle it. Get rid of it as soon as safely possible.

Start kickboxing.

Venting is behaviorally iffy, since chemically, rage & ecstasy look the same in the brain &we don’t need to vent joy, but practically, when you start using Grey Rock, you have limited control over your feelings. Fear/irritation are more easily displaced onto innocents than joy.

You’ll get better at masking your feelings as you practice. Yes, it’s tiring, just as any acting job is tiring. You’re running a con job to protect yourself. Take that into account. You are doing a second physically & mentally demanding job. You may have to adjust spoons.

(If narc=boss, take the spoons from your work. Because they really don’t deserve all those spoons they already have, and part of the reason you’re low is because they’re assholes.)

(But if N=fam, the con job & your $ job are your major priorities. You need $ to escape.)

Read the Simple Sabotage Field Manual. You shouldn’t do the actual physical vandalism except as mental inspiration, but the organizational vandalism in the back? That’s solid gold, weaponized passive-aggression.

Use that shit like it’s free.

gutenberg.org/files/26184/pa…

I won’t say don’t lie. Lies can get you in trouble if you don’t remember the ones you told.

Social lies are okay if they’re safe, like, you don’t want your MIL at your kid’s soccer games. So forget to give her the schedule or tell her Adams Park instead of Madison Park.

But beware that lies can have blowback.
It’s better to evade and distract than lie. Or just be uninteresting.
Narc tip? If they want something from you, and you can get them talking about themselves, they’ll likely forget what they wanted.

And you can absolutely lie if it’s lifeboat rules, when the truth will get you/someone hurt. Give bad phone numbers, bad addresses. There are apps to hide your data behind password protected image files. Don’t use facial or fingerprint recognition if your narc lives with you.

You don’t have to be responsible for anyone other than minor children and vulnerable adults.

If your adult siblings are also dealing with your parents’ blowback, your siblings get to make their own choices.

If your adult children choose to continue a relationship with a parent or grandparent, you can object, and try to talk them down, but you have to trust in their radical agency.

They get to make decisions, even bad ones.

It’s hard, I know. But when you embrace radical agency, that everyone has the right to their own self-determination, it’s so freeing. You only have to captain your own ship.

And trusting other people to lead their lives is an ultimate act of love.

This isn’t selfishness. You still have empathy & sympathy, still love people even when you disagree, remain generous & share. You just take responsibility on your terms, with full, informed consent. Love dies in a clutching fist. And nobody has the right to use any fist on you.

It’s the shield metaphor. Your abuser is free to stop punching your shield any time.
Holding that shield is not an aggressive act.
Closing a door is not an agressive act.
Walking away is not agressive.
Choosing silence is not agressive.

Now practically: turn off their Twitter notifications. Mute &block. It doesn’t matter what they Tweet. Only written policy matters. (Yeah, I’m talking about a specific 1 now. Who brought us all together. I’m talking about Kanye who dropped ye & now uses the plural you. )

If you must pay attention (to a local one, for say, custody), set up a second account that does nothing but follow them/friend them, and only check it when you’re in good headspace at the maximum safe time intervals. Even then, don’t read it, just screen shot it & save to file.

The Bad Hairbrush of Orange actually has very little actual power over the average citizen’s day to day lives. He has a ton of soft power in terms of attention & outrage. He lives in a LOT of our heads rent-free.

We need to move him into a damp closet in the basement crawl space marked Beware the Leopard. Minus electricity. Where the planning documents are kept.

(He won’t matter AT ALL if o, Russia breaks the electric grid. Unless you are a grid security tech, we can’t fix that, either.)

(Hey, did ya see me catastrophizing there? That’s using catastrophizing for good. It’s
recognizing a worst case,
recognizing what I personally can do to ameliorate it,
and letting others who have the job skills to fix it do their work without me interfering.)

We can’t take his phone away. We can’t make Sarah stop mouthing his lies. But we don’t have to watch his rallies, give his tweets our eyeballs. If you’re watching TV & he comes on, change the channel. If what he has to say is ACTUALLY important, it’ll follow you.

But it’s not important. Nothing he says is actually important. It’s either a lie, self-delusion, self-aggrandizement, appeasing his puppet master or paranoia.
And yes, what he DOES & allows hurts people.
*That’s policy.*
Not his words. His words are where he draws his energy.

The collective form of Grey Rock is ignoring him. Never use his name. Work to extend rights at yr local level, protect people in our immediate orbit, motivate our legislators & unelect his toadies. To protect the investigations by forcing our legislators to DO THEIR DAMN JOBS.

(If you are in DC, then Lafayette Park is fine. Be irritating. Y’all in DC are the small grey pebble in his shoe. And if y’all need pizza, let me know. I can send you a couple a week. But we west of the Mississippi can’t do much more than pizza & bail. You have a bail fund?)

Attention is his oxygen. He’ll take your hate if he can’t have love; it’s still attention.

That’s what you must remember with a narcissist: they need other people to tell them they’re real, but we’re all figments of their imagination, so we can’t tell them they’re really real.

Narcissists are Aaron Burr:
AB: Excuse me miss I know it’s not funny but your perfume smells like your daddy’s got money Ya slumming in the city in your fancy heels, you searching for an urchin to give you ideals?
Angelica: Burr, you disgust me.
AB: Ah, so you’ve discussed me.

So unplug from him. Go put the first act of Hamilton on repeat. (We’re in the Revolution right now, not act II) Watch the last 5 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Watch Henry V. Watch The Messenger. Try this:

Read Neal Stephenson’s Zodiac, or the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, or @scottlynch78 The Lies of Locke Lamora/Gentleman Bastards series (who are all about rebellion). (Or butter me up and I’ll make you a beta reader for a whole series about a civil war...)

I don’t know what spawns rebellion and a sense of Bye Felicia for you, but whatever it is, do it for several days until you break the habit. Stop giving him your attention.

If your problem child is your parents, set a time when you will talk to them, and only then. Otherwise, block them, send their email to spam, don’t answer the door when they drop in. (Change the locks if they have a key.)

Tell them you are busy, and they need to respect that.

Remind them that you’ll pick their nursing home, and your state’s quality rankings come in a spreadsheet. Sorting from worst quality to best is pretty easy.

(This is the only time I’ll suggest fast food, but it’s perfectly ok to lock your house, take the kids to McDonald’s play place, use free WiFi & read twitter for a couple hours over a burger & fries. Pick any McD. Or Starbucks. Or Panera or Dunkin Donuts. Or some city parks.)

If your problem child is your boss... look for a new job. This is a good time to dip into your emergency fund and pay a headhunter. GTFO, my friend. There is no paycheck worth being abused. Especially because there’s a good chance you’re being underpaid. Narcs do that.

These are 101, first steps. This will take care of ~80% of the problem, for 80% of people. There’s not a better alternative.

You cannot reason with someone who will stab you in the back because stabbing is funnier for them.

Transactional relationships mean they squeeze harder.

Don’t expect any better angels of their natures to suddenly appear because they don’t exist. They have shown who they are, your best interests are not theirs. Rely only on their selfishness & the howling maw at their core. They need attention you need not give.

Attention is hard to buy. You have the source. Be ruthless with preserving your supply of it.

It sounds harsh, but cutting contact is the only effective means of getting a narcissist out of your life if they’re hurting you.

Remember: emotional toddler. NO is a word only THEY have & get to use.

They don’t hear it from others. So stop saying no, and stop being present.

You may be well past these, and it’s time for more strategy. If you have a therapist, set this goal with them, and get to work. If you don’t, and you don’t feel safe to talk about it with people in your immediate orbit...

The internet can be a welcoming & devious place. Try Reddit’s r/RaisedByNarcissists. It’s fun for survivors to help gonna-be survivors play Spy Vs Spy. It’s a form of revenge. Survivors get off on revenge.

And r/Raised is a supportive space. It’s one of 5 bright Reddit spots.

Just be really devious - wipe your browser history, use throwaway accounts & email, hide your steps, obscure yourself & details.

You don’t have to tolerate being abused.

Here endeth V: Defense Against Dark Arts.

I’m taking the weekend off to work on Rebellion’s ebooks & some new words on my Regency Vampire.

As always, here’s Shameless #SelfPromo
I write fiction. I’m giving away the first book in my series at czedwards.com. If you like fantasy & psych, I got a yarn for you.