Thread by @StevenShorrock

I didn’t know it at the time, and didn’t talk much about it [definitely not publicly], but recently realised I had PTSD from mid-late teens to mid 20s, related to various traumatic events. 1/ ted.com/talks/joelle_r…

Symptoms: Nightly nightmares (esp. family members dying). Anxiety. Depression. Extreme sweating. Rashes. Constantly on edge (fight/flight/freeze, literally freezing at a thought). Visions. Tics, mostly repressed [exhausting]. #PTSD 2/

Didn’t talk about it. Energy went into trying to look after remaining younger siblings and suppressing symptoms by any means. More nightmares. Doctor prescribed Anxiolytics & ADs at the time. Just remember feeling numb. Weren’t for me. Also industrial strength antiperspirant. 3/

Finally got some help at about 20yo from a clinical hypnotherapist and psychotherapist employed by the Uni. Free to access. The nightmares stopped. It was like magic. Other symptoms remained, but better. 4/

Didn’t talk about it to friends at that time. Hope it’s better now among men, but then it wasn’t. Taking was all that helped. And time. Second time I had PTSD was unrelated [hellish 20s], but talking to a trusted older female relative also helped a lot mid 20s. 5/

It is hard to access free talking therapy but it is so important just to talk. It doesn’t have to be a therapist. Just a trusted friend or relative who is a *good listener*. My relative was a brilliant listener. You could hear the compassion even in silence on the phone. #PTSD 6/

This was now quite a long time ago which makes it easier to talk about. Men keep this stuff inside. Fear of what might come out. Fear of being judged. Symptoms dissipated over time. But more talking to a trusted, listening person might have saved years of suffering. #PTSD 7/

Another thing that helped was music (generally minor key...). I found many years later that the lead singer and writer (@dannymcnamara) of the band (@embrace) that resonated most with me had PTSD. danny-mcnamara.tumblr.com/post/254303706… 8/

Actually I think this more like the third or fourth time I had PTSD. Whole late teens and early-mid 20s were more-or-less unbroken PTSD. Living hell on the inside. Fine on the outside. /5a

And, later in 20s, Quakerism and recovery (from my trail of mental, emotional and spiritual chaos and destruction). Both brought some sort of peace, community, forgiveness, and reconciliation. 9/

So, [especially men] how to know who to talk to? It’s someone who:
you know and trust
you feel calm when you’re with them
doesn’t talk about others disparagingly or disclose others’ stuff
listens without judgement, advice, ridicule
you’d recommend to your very best friend
10/

For professional help, I’ve seen different ‘schools’ of therapists, but person-centred counsellors & integrative psychotherapists felt most like they were listening. While ADs never suited me, 5-HTP really did seem to correlate strongly with relief from very darkest thoughts. 11/

Something to add to this... Apart from reliving aspects of the trauma [mental pain] and feeling on edge [FFF], another symptom of PTSD is that seems to drag on long after is avoiding memories *or feelings*. This has a consequence that others might not realise. 12/

That is, keeping busy, feeling detached, cut off and emotionally numb. Not knowing if one is really quite happy or desperately sad. And - sadly - finding it hard to express or accept real affection, except on own terms in right context. It’s not conscious. #PTSD 13/

Really not sure why I decided to disclose this except realising that someone who matters to me was suffering and hadn’t talked to anyone about it. It is just endemic. 14/