Angry Staff Officer Profile picture
Aug 28, 2018 27 tweets 6 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
Did you know that today is the anniversary of some green midwesterners punching the vaunted and veteran Stonewall Division right in the face?

Details to follow at gin-o-clock

listen. Listen. I've got a story. Shuttup and don't interrupt. Ahem.

Once upon a goddam time, on August 28 1862, Thomas Jonathan Jackson made a horrible decision at Brawner's Farm. Ya heard? #drunjhistory
Ok so here's the Lil thing here. Ya gotta understand some shit. It's 1862 which is a helluva year for our ol country because we've got this civil war and stuff going on. By August, it's that time of year for "let's go shoot everything in northern Virginia, k guys?"
You've got the US Army under John "my HQ is in the saddle right where my ass is and they're super similar" Pope who gets all befuddled when the Rebs burn up his supplies at Bull Run & listen. If you got beat there before, WHY GO BACK. ugh, this fucking guy.
Ok, so anyways, the Rebs hit the supply Depot at Manassas & then they do a Jimmy Hoffa and just up and fuckin disappear. Pope has columns of bluecoats running all up and down hell and half of Virginia looking for the Rebs under TJ "rock edifice" Jackson who's hiding in the woods
Jackson's no shit hiding in the woods with 20000 troops watching all these flustered US troops go by, but TJ gets bored and is like, "hey, let's bait one of these brigades and beat it the hell up" and his boy Tricky Dicky Baldy Ewell is all "hollaaaaa" & shit kicks off
So this US brigade that's walking down the road all tired af bc it's 6 pm and back then they walked all day, they're like, THE IDEAL TARGET. Only 1 regiment had even seen any action. The other 3 were still green as hel. To make shit better, their commander is from NC
John Gibbon was a BOSS. Raised down south, regular armt artillery officer, now given a brigade, the dude was all about discipline. He'd been given the only all Western bde in the Army of the Potomoac: 2d, 6th, 7th Wisconsin, 19th Indiana. West=west of the Ohio River in 1862
Givbon takes these troops & makes them wear the regular army uniform. This shit was dope. White leggings and tall black hat with goddam ostrich plumes because why the fuck not, right? He reasoned they'd fight better if they looked like the best soldiers in the Army. Yuppppp
So Gibbon is going along and TJJ turns to his staff and goes "bring up your men, gentlemen, it's time to partayyyyyyy" or something like that, I dunno, I wasn't there, and sends a battery of artillery out onto a ridge to kick shit off.
But Jonny G, he's no idiot. He sees some horses come out on a ridge & is like "huh, horsey swordy guys" then it clicks & he's like "horsey boomy things" just as the shells start swooping in. The NY Regiments behind the westerners are like "we out, boo" & take off
But Gibbon, he's not skeert. He grabs his own battery, B, 4th US Arty, which he used to command and the regular redlegs nonchalantly *shred* two Reb batteries with counterbattery because in North they can do artillery math

Yeah i said it
But Jacky is getting all irritated and sends in another battery on Gibbon's flank to annoy him, which it does, and G-Man is like "ugh, yo, O'Connor, get rid of those boom booms" and the 430 dudes in the 2nd Wisconsin run over to brush away the guns but suddenly notice SQUIRREL
No sorry, not squirrel, DUDES. so many dudes. Like 800. 800 hard fighting hard trudging Stonewall Brigade, the elite shock troops of the Reb army. Like, these guys have seen some shit. They like winning, too. & The 2nd WI is like, uh, ok:
"Come on, God damn you."

Jackson was so irritated with his Lil party that he sends in his best unit to swat these silly northerners away like they always did, & they get all cocky and walk straight up to the 2nd which calmly levels rifles at 100 yards AND FUCKIN LETS FLY

The Rebel line shudders. & Stops
Now for the next twenty goddam minutes they are laying the hell into each other which is like 3 rounds a minute so that's like 60 rounds times 1230 minus losses so that's like 60,000 rounds being thrown

That's fuckin unreal. As are the losses
But the Rebs have the math on their side, and start hitting the 2ds flanks so Gibbon send in the 423 Hoosiers of the 19th IN under Too Tall Sol Meredith who was really fuckin tall who get their baptism of fire & then some & start trying to show up the Cheeseheads
Right about now TJ Wallface McStonewall Jackson is throwing a hissy fit because his brigade just got levelled. So he sends in Lawton's GA brigade, another 1000 men and then so JG sends in the 7th Wisconsin bc it's LAMBEAU TIME UP IN HERE and now it. Is. Poppin.
So now Wallstone Sonjack is literally having fits and probably sucking on a 🍋 AND holding his finger in the air AND doing an Old Testament prayer so he grabs ANOTHER brigade and throws Trimble's 1200 mofos at Givbon's flank

They run into the hidden 6th WI & get shot to hell
But JG realizes he's got a big ol gaping hole between the 6tj and 7th so he's like "yo, a lil help?" to anyone who will listen and Abner "I'm ALWAYS thinking about baseball" Doubleday sends over the 76th NY and 56th PA for some help, and now the line is holding
So, ok, Jackson has like one million men nearby. Ok, so, no, like 20k, but still, tons of dudes. But for some reason our dear TJJ can't manage to get it up. I mean. Get them up. Bring them forward. You know what I mean. So he just tells the guys in the field to attack more
Cause that ALWAYS WORKS. the message gets to some units and not others because of Jackson's amazing communication skills, so the 21st GA and 21sr NC rush in, in the dark, & lose just about everyone. Lawton's Bde tried the same thing with the same result - 60% losses
So now it's like 8 pm and no one can see anything because it's dark, and smoke. Like there is in battle. And Stonewall calls it. He pulls what's left of his two divisions back into the woods & is like "wTAF just happened guys" & they're like "those fuckin black hat guys tho"
Gibbon checked out his brigade and found 50 percent losses everywhere. But no one had run. In their first fight. With the best of the Rebs. I mean. Damn. Commander of the 7th WI rides up to JG & is like "7th fuckin ruled" & then drops out of the saddle, cause he was wounded
But of course all this is for Jack shit nothing because gibbon rides back & is like, yo, TJ is Right fuckin THERE. But Pope manages to fuck that all into the ground, mismanages his forces, & profoundly loses the Second Battle of Bull Run. But not thru any fault of the Black Hats
So. If that wasn't bad enuff. One goddam month later the Black Hat brigade is fighting like hell again at South Mountain and Antietam. Insnae combat. Like. Just. Murder. Maj. Rufus Dawes wrote home of this shit, "the men stood like iron." Bam. Nickname. Iron Brigade.
Y'all the Iron Brigade was a fucking EPIC organization. Right in the teeth of all the fighting. Never running. Just fighting harder. And it all started out shellacking Stonewallface at whatsitsname farm. That one. Shit. Brawner's. Yup, that's the one.

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