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You know how the Greek gods are just, just super-jerks sometimes?
Well, you will when you're done with a #FolkloreThursday story thread called:
CADMUS AND THE DRAGON'S TEETH
or
'Snake, Battle, & Roll'
IMAGE: 'Cadmus and Minerva,' Peter Paul Reubens, 1636
Well, you will when you're done with a #FolkloreThursday story thread called:
CADMUS AND THE DRAGON'S TEETH
or
'Snake, Battle, & Roll'
IMAGE: 'Cadmus and Minerva,' Peter Paul Reubens, 1636
AGENOR: Cadmus, have you seen Europa this morning?
C: She’s probably out picking flowers.
A: I love that girl but I wonder if she’ll ever achieve anything of note.
[Cut to: Europa standing on a bull like a surfboard as it speeds across the ocean]
E: SAY MY NAME, NEW CONTINENT!
C: She’s probably out picking flowers.
A: I love that girl but I wonder if she’ll ever achieve anything of note.
[Cut to: Europa standing on a bull like a surfboard as it speeds across the ocean]
E: SAY MY NAME, NEW CONTINENT!
IMAGE: Rape of Europa, Cagnacci, 1650
MONTHS LATER:
AG: Where could she be? [A servant hands him a ‘Hi From Crete!’ postcard] Dear Dad, Having a ‘bull” ruling kingdom Zeus gave me, visit me anytime, xoxo Europa PS don’t tell Hera [crumples paper] If only I knew how to read Greek!
IMAGE: ‘Europa,’ Luca Giordano, 1689
AG: Where could she be? [A servant hands him a ‘Hi From Crete!’ postcard] Dear Dad, Having a ‘bull” ruling kingdom Zeus gave me, visit me anytime, xoxo Europa PS don’t tell Hera [crumples paper] If only I knew how to read Greek!
IMAGE: ‘Europa,’ Luca Giordano, 1689
AG: Cadmus! Phoenix! Cilix! Thasus!
ALL: Yes, Dad?
AG: Find your sister & bring her home! Don’t return without her!
CAD: If we all leave, won’t that leave our country heirless?
AG: Just for that, you’re taking your mother with you.
TELEPHASSA: Road trip, sweetie!
CAD: Ugh
ALL: Yes, Dad?
AG: Find your sister & bring her home! Don’t return without her!
CAD: If we all leave, won’t that leave our country heirless?
AG: Just for that, you’re taking your mother with you.
TELEPHASSA: Road trip, sweetie!
CAD: Ugh
[LATER STILL]
TELE: I spy with my little eye something that is not your sister.
CAD: Mom.
T: I’M SO SAD
C: Ma, you’ve got 4 healthy sons, 3 of whom have founded countries, maybe we should accept -
T: I understand. You want me to die of grief.
C: What? No -
T: DOIN’ IT [dies]
TELE: I spy with my little eye something that is not your sister.
CAD: Mom.
T: I’M SO SAD
C: Ma, you’ve got 4 healthy sons, 3 of whom have founded countries, maybe we should accept -
T: I understand. You want me to die of grief.
C: What? No -
T: DOIN’ IT [dies]
CAD: This sucks. I can’t go home and I was too busy ferrying mom around to start a kingdom like Thasus did with Thasos or Cilix with Cilicia or Phoenix with Arizona. I mean, Phoenicia. Might as well go to Delphi for advice, because life can’t get any worse.
(It gets worse.)
(It gets worse.)
DELPHI
ORACLE: Cadmus? I got a message for you. [trances out] Hi Bro, I’m fine. Stop looking for me. You've got your own destiny to fulfill. How come Dad never answers my letters?
CAD: The written word doesn’t exist outside of Tyre.
ORA: ...Then what have I been mailing you?
ORACLE: Cadmus? I got a message for you. [trances out] Hi Bro, I’m fine. Stop looking for me. You've got your own destiny to fulfill. How come Dad never answers my letters?
CAD: The written word doesn’t exist outside of Tyre.
ORA: ...Then what have I been mailing you?
IMAGE: 'Cadmus Asks the Delphic Oracle Where He Can Find his Sister, Europa,', Hendrik Goltzius, 1615
ORA: Anyway. Go outside, follow the 1st cow you see, Build a city where it stops. If you want to create the Greek alphabet feel free. Love ya! [stops, shakes head] Woo, that was a weird one. I gotta talk to the dispensary about the quality of these bay leaves.
[CADMUS walks outside. A COW with a half-moon mark on its side is standing there.]
CAD: Right on schedule! Nice moon decal you got. Guess when you jumped you only made it halfway, huh? [laughs] Okay, let’s get moo-ving! Ha!
COW: Moo*. [*oh god I’m already regretting this.]
CAD: Right on schedule! Nice moon decal you got. Guess when you jumped you only made it halfway, huh? [laughs] Okay, let’s get moo-ving! Ha!
COW: Moo*. [*oh god I’m already regretting this.]
They walk for about 276 miles, give or take, which is impressive given the cow doesn’t rest until the end of the journey, whereupon it collapses in exhaustion.
CAD: Talk about a cow flop, huh?
COW: Moo*. [*I hate you. I hate you SO MUCH.]
CAD: Talk about a cow flop, huh?
COW: Moo*. [*I hate you. I hate you SO MUCH.]
CAD: Looks like a nice spot to start a city! Oh, faithful cow who has led me to this place where I might fulfill my divine purpose…
COW: Moo?
CAD: I’mma sacrifice you.
COW: Moo.* [*You know what, good. Whatever saves me from your pitiable attempts at humor, you stupid biped.]
COW: Moo?
CAD: I’mma sacrifice you.
COW: Moo.* [*You know what, good. Whatever saves me from your pitiable attempts at humor, you stupid biped.]
CAD: I’ll sacrifice you to... eh, Athena. She’s had nothing to do with this story so far, but let’s be real, she’s the freakin’ BEST.
[She is, tho. -Ed.]
C: First I need water for the ritual. [Splashing sound. CAD looks at his shoe & grimaces at COW.]
C: Not what I meant.
[She is, tho. -Ed.]
C: First I need water for the ritual. [Splashing sound. CAD looks at his shoe & grimaces at COW.]
C: Not what I meant.
C: There’s a spring sacred to Ares nearby, & we all know he & Athena are besties. Men! Fetch water!
SOLDIER: Hey, boss? Where did we come from? There’s been no mention of you travelling with anyone except your now-deceased mother.
C: Excellent question. Shut up.
SOLDIER: Hey, boss? Where did we come from? There’s been no mention of you travelling with anyone except your now-deceased mother.
C: Excellent question. Shut up.
SPRING OF DIRCE
SOLDIER: Careful, men. Water is dangerous. There could be sharp rocks or hermit crabs or…
[A golden, poison-oozing water dragon the size of an oak rises from the water. It hisses, revealing 3 tongues & a triple row of #teeth.]
SOLDIER: ...mosquitoes…
SOLDIER: Careful, men. Water is dangerous. There could be sharp rocks or hermit crabs or…
[A golden, poison-oozing water dragon the size of an oak rises from the water. It hisses, revealing 3 tongues & a triple row of #teeth.]
SOLDIER: ...mosquitoes…
‘The Dragon Devouring the Companions of Cadmus,’ Hendrik Goltzius, 1588
[CAMP. SOLDIER runs up.]
S: Boss, come quick! A magic copperhead that was living in Ares’s spring just slaughtered every single one of your men! Me included!
C: Then how are you talking to me?
S: Huh. [dies]
C: this myth makes no goddamned sense
S: Boss, come quick! A magic copperhead that was living in Ares’s spring just slaughtered every single one of your men! Me included!
C: Then how are you talking to me?
S: Huh. [dies]
C: this myth makes no goddamned sense
SPRING
C: Hey! Think you’ll get away with killing my friends?
SNAKE: Yesssss - [It’s cut short by a boulder flying at it & taking off the top part of its skull. CADMUS walks up & stabs it.]
C: Then you must have... rocks in your head.
YEAHHH
MEET THE NEW BOSS
SAME AS THE OLD BOSS
C: Hey! Think you’ll get away with killing my friends?
SNAKE: Yesssss - [It’s cut short by a boulder flying at it & taking off the top part of its skull. CADMUS walks up & stabs it.]
C: Then you must have... rocks in your head.
YEAHHH
MEET THE NEW BOSS
SAME AS THE OLD BOSS
ATHENA: I’m reconsidering my patronage after that joke.
C: Wha-
A: No time. Things are gonna break real bad when Ares hears you killed his son.
C: The snake was his KID?
A: I know, right? Gross. Anyway, take its #teeth & sow them.
C: Sew them to what?
A: [pinches bridge of nose]
C: Wha-
A: No time. Things are gonna break real bad when Ares hears you killed his son.
C: The snake was his KID?
A: I know, right? Gross. Anyway, take its #teeth & sow them.
C: Sew them to what?
A: [pinches bridge of nose]
IMAGE: ‘Cadmus Sows the Dragon's Teeth Which Turn into Armed Men,’ Hendrik Goltzius, 1615
[CADMUS scatters #teeth. Armed SOLDIERS spring from ground.]
A: Behold the Spartoi! Now, to defeat them, you must -
[CADMUS throws a rock.]
A: Ffs you can’t solve all your problems by throwing rocks!
[SPARTOI start fighting one other until only 5 are left]
A: ...You got lucky.
A: Behold the Spartoi! Now, to defeat them, you must -
[CADMUS throws a rock.]
A: Ffs you can’t solve all your problems by throwing rocks!
[SPARTOI start fighting one other until only 5 are left]
A: ...You got lucky.
IMAGE: ‘Cadmos and the Spartoi,’ Virgil Solis, 1561
A: Use these guys to start your kingdom kbi [poofs out]
C: Wait - [ARES poofs in]
ARES: WTF BRO?
C: uh-oh
AR: YOU KILLED MY BEST SNAKE!
[APHRODITE pops in]
AP: *Second*-best snake, ammirite?
[She & ARES high-five]
C: Wait - [ARES poofs in]
ARES: WTF BRO?
C: uh-oh
AR: YOU KILLED MY BEST SNAKE!
[APHRODITE pops in]
AP: *Second*-best snake, ammirite?
[She & ARES high-five]
ARES: For killing my son, you must serve me for a year!
CAD: That’s not so bad-
AR: An *eternal* year.
C: Crap.
AP: That’s just eight years in god-talk. Ares thinks 8 is a sideways eternity symbol.
C: Oh. Serve you how?
AR: [shrugs]
CAD: That’s not so bad-
AR: An *eternal* year.
C: Crap.
AP: That’s just eight years in god-talk. Ares thinks 8 is a sideways eternity symbol.
C: Oh. Serve you how?
AR: [shrugs]
8 YEARS LATER
ARES: Okay, you’re done.
CAD: So you’ve forgiven me?
AR: Let’s not go nuts. Hey, want to marry my daughter Harmonia? She’s a literal goddess.
CAD: [weighs prospect of Ares as father-in-law against a magic wife] … sure, why not.
ARES: Okay, you’re done.
CAD: So you’ve forgiven me?
AR: Let’s not go nuts. Hey, want to marry my daughter Harmonia? She’s a literal goddess.
CAD: [weighs prospect of Ares as father-in-law against a magic wife] … sure, why not.
WEDDING FEAST
CAD: Nice of your family to come!
APHRODITE: Congrats, baby!
HARMONIA: Thanks, mom!
C: Wait, Aphrodite’s your mom?
H: Yup!
C: And Ares is your dad?
H: Uh-huh.
C: Isn’t she married to Hephaestus?
H: Oh, Heph’s cool with it.
[Heph is not cool with it.]
CAD: Nice of your family to come!
APHRODITE: Congrats, baby!
HARMONIA: Thanks, mom!
C: Wait, Aphrodite’s your mom?
H: Yup!
C: And Ares is your dad?
H: Uh-huh.
C: Isn’t she married to Hephaestus?
H: Oh, Heph’s cool with it.
[Heph is not cool with it.]
HEPH: A toast to a beautiful daughter on her wedding day! I mean, not MY daughter, just the daughter of my wife & the guy I caught her banging, but still, right?
[He laughs]
[No one else laughs]
[Awkward silence]
[APOLLO starts to clink his glass w/ his spoon. ARTEMIS stops him.]
[He laughs]
[No one else laughs]
[Awkward silence]
[APOLLO starts to clink his glass w/ his spoon. ARTEMIS stops him.]
HEPH: Anyway, here’s my gift. A necklace that bestows youth and beauty upon its owner! Alsoit’scursedandwillbringmisfortunetoyouandallyourdescendantsnowandforever
HARMONIA: Huh?
HEPH: Huh?
HARMONIA: Huh?
HEPH: Huh?
ATH: Heph, I thought you were one of the nice ones. Like me.
HEPH: Yeah, you’re a real peach, *Pallas*.
ATH:[quiet, absolute fury] That was an accident so keep her name out of your mouth or I’ll make sure Cecrops is the last kid you quasi-father. Got it, Quickdraw?
HEPH: yesma’am
HEPH: Yeah, you’re a real peach, *Pallas*.
ATH:[quiet, absolute fury] That was an accident so keep her name out of your mouth or I’ll make sure Cecrops is the last kid you quasi-father. Got it, Quickdraw?
HEPH: yesma’am
LATER
CAD: Life’s good! Our 5 beautiful kids, Polydorus, Ino, Agave, Autonoë, & Semele -
MESSENGER: Sire, your daughter Semele’s pregnant w/ Zeus’s child!
C: Cool!
M: But then Zeus accidentally set her on fire. Kid’s fine. Dio...nne Warwick or something.
C: Not cool.
CAD: Life’s good! Our 5 beautiful kids, Polydorus, Ino, Agave, Autonoë, & Semele -
MESSENGER: Sire, your daughter Semele’s pregnant w/ Zeus’s child!
C: Cool!
M: But then Zeus accidentally set her on fire. Kid’s fine. Dio...nne Warwick or something.
C: Not cool.
IMAGE: ‘Jupiter & Semele,’ Dosso Dossi, 1520s
MESS2: [runs in] Sire, your daughter Ino tried to kill her stepkids, but they flew away on a golden ram.
C: They-
M2: Then Hera tried to kill *her* for helping rear Dionysius by driving Ino’s husband mad so he’d attack her
C: [frantically drawing a diagram] slow down
C: They-
M2: Then Hera tried to kill *her* for helping rear Dionysius by driving Ino’s husband mad so he’d attack her
C: [frantically drawing a diagram] slow down
IMAGE: ‘The Fury of Athamas King of Thebes,’ Arcangelo Migliarini 1779
M2: So Ino jumped in the sea w/ her son.
C: WAIT WHICH SON
MESSENGER 3: [runs in] Sire, your daughter Agave -
C: She’s so sweet! ...get it -
HARMONIA: Will you STOP MAKING DAD JOKES THEY’RE CURSING US WORSE THAN MY NECKLACE
C: WAIT WHICH SON
MESSENGER 3: [runs in] Sire, your daughter Agave -
C: She’s so sweet! ...get it -
HARMONIA: Will you STOP MAKING DAD JOKES THEY’RE CURSING US WORSE THAN MY NECKLACE
M3: Dionysius heard Agage talkin’ shit about Semele so he made her think *her* son was a lion & she tore him apart bare-handed.
CAD: [weakly] Don’t you mean lion-handed geddit
M3: He was lion in pieces in front of his horrified mother when she awoke from her frenzy, yes.
CAD: [weakly] Don’t you mean lion-handed geddit
M3: He was lion in pieces in front of his horrified mother when she awoke from her frenzy, yes.
IMAGE: ‘ Pentheus being torn by maenads.’ Roman fresco from the northern wall of the triclinium in the Casa dei Vettii (VI 15,1) in Pompeii.
MESSENGER 4: Sire, Autonoë -
C: Let me guess, tore her son up?
M4: No.
C: Whew!
M4: She just helped Agave tear Pentheus up.
C: Wait, which one is Pentheus?
M4: Agave’s son.
C: WHY?
M4: Oh boy, strap in.
C: Let me guess, tore her son up?
M4: No.
C: Whew!
M4: She just helped Agave tear Pentheus up.
C: Wait, which one is Pentheus?
M4: Agave’s son.
C: WHY?
M4: Oh boy, strap in.
[LATER. M4 has a flow chart.]
M4: So AFTER Dionysius escaped the cell where Pentheus imprisoned him in an attempt to enforce the ban on Bacchic worship but BEFORE he convinced him to disguise himself as a woman in order to spy on said rituals - I hope you’re writing this down -
M4: So AFTER Dionysius escaped the cell where Pentheus imprisoned him in an attempt to enforce the ban on Bacchic worship but BEFORE he convinced him to disguise himself as a woman in order to spy on said rituals - I hope you’re writing this down -
IMAGE: ‘Bacchus,’ Simeon Solomon, 1867
[LATER STILL]
M4: So Dio, still pissed that his aunts had insinuated Semele got knocked up by some rando & was lying about the whole Zeus thing figures he’ll kill three birds with one bout of ecstatic blood-madness, and here we are.
CAD: …
M4: So Dio, still pissed that his aunts had insinuated Semele got knocked up by some rando & was lying about the whole Zeus thing figures he’ll kill three birds with one bout of ecstatic blood-madness, and here we are.
CAD: …
IMAGE: ‘The Death of Pentheus,’ Antonio Tempesta, 1606
M4: I can’t confirm if the part about Agave walking around w/ Pen’s head on a stick is true, but what an image, hih? [laughs] Talk about sticking it to the man, right?
CAD:
M4: Right?
CAD:
M4: Anyway, sorry for your loss.
CAD:
M4: You okay, bro?
CAD: THE F*UCK DO YOU THINK?
CAD:
M4: Right?
CAD:
M4: Anyway, sorry for your loss.
CAD:
M4: You okay, bro?
CAD: THE F*UCK DO YOU THINK?
C: Is Autonoë’s kid all right at least?
M4: Actaeon? Yeah, he was out hunting at the time, he wasn’t involved in any of this.
C: Well, at least that’s one grandson not torn to pieces.
[ARTEMIS pops in]
AR: About that…
IMAGE: ‘Actaeon Killed by His Dogs,” Antonio Tempesta, 1606
M4: Actaeon? Yeah, he was out hunting at the time, he wasn’t involved in any of this.
C: Well, at least that’s one grandson not torn to pieces.
[ARTEMIS pops in]
AR: About that…
IMAGE: ‘Actaeon Killed by His Dogs,” Antonio Tempesta, 1606
MESSENGER 5: [runs in] Sire, your son -
CAD: Torn apart?
M5: No, he’s fine.
C: Great, tell him he’s king now. I’m moving to Illyria. Once I leave, Thebes will be untroubled by civil unrest forever.
[faintly, as though from many years in the future]
OEDIPUS: About that...
CAD: Torn apart?
M5: No, he’s fine.
C: Great, tell him he’s king now. I’m moving to Illyria. Once I leave, Thebes will be untroubled by civil unrest forever.
[faintly, as though from many years in the future]
OEDIPUS: About that...
IMAGE: ‘The Blind Oedipus Commending his Children to the Gods,’ Bénigne Gagneraux, 1756
[LATER STILL]
C: Illyria sucks.
H: It’s not so bad. They made you king, right?
C: There’s nothing here but shipwrecks drunk uncle what trying to fight you. I hate it here. I thought things were supposed get better after your dad forgave me.
[ARES pops in]
ARES: About that…
C: Illyria sucks.
H: It’s not so bad. They made you king, right?
C: There’s nothing here but shipwrecks drunk uncle what trying to fight you. I hate it here. I thought things were supposed get better after your dad forgave me.
[ARES pops in]
ARES: About that…
C: Can you lay OFF, man?
A: YOU KILLED MY KID!
C: HE ATE MY FRIENDS!
A:... SO?
C: SO IF YOU’RE SO HUNG UP ON YOUR STUPID SNAKE WHY DON’T YOU JUST MAKE ME A SNAKE THEN AT LEAST WE’LL HAVE REACHED SNAKE EQUILIBRIUM IN THE WORLD
ARES: : D
A: YOU KILLED MY KID!
C: HE ATE MY FRIENDS!
A:... SO?
C: SO IF YOU’RE SO HUNG UP ON YOUR STUPID SNAKE WHY DON’T YOU JUST MAKE ME A SNAKE THEN AT LEAST WE’LL HAVE REACHED SNAKE EQUILIBRIUM IN THE WORLD
ARES: : D
IMAGE: 'Cadmus and Harmonia,' Evelyn De Morgan, 1877
CADMUS: [becoming a snake] tell my wife to viper way her tears…
HARMONIA: Cheesy to the last. Dad.
ARES: Yes?
H: Snakerize me.
AR: Are you sure?
H: He’s been a good husband, & that dragon had it coming & you KNOW it. And I’ll have an excuse not to wear this godawful necklace.
HARMONIA: Cheesy to the last. Dad.
ARES: Yes?
H: Snakerize me.
AR: Are you sure?
H: He’s been a good husband, & that dragon had it coming & you KNOW it. And I’ll have an excuse not to wear this godawful necklace.
IMAGE: Harmonia and Cadmus, Crispijn van de Passe, 1602
[APHRODITE pops in]
A: Sweetie, I’m SO sorry. When you live out your natural snake lifespans you’ll go the Elysian fields & you VERY SORRY FATHER & EVEN SORRIER STEPDAD will ensure you never want for anything.
ARES: But -
HEPH: [pops in] But -
APH: SO HELP ME
AR & HEPH: yes ma’am
A: Sweetie, I’m SO sorry. When you live out your natural snake lifespans you’ll go the Elysian fields & you VERY SORRY FATHER & EVEN SORRIER STEPDAD will ensure you never want for anything.
ARES: But -
HEPH: [pops in] But -
APH: SO HELP ME
AR & HEPH: yes ma’am
The moral is: Sometimes someone with more power than you will screw you over just because they can, so your best bet is to try your hardest and kill as many of their dragons as possible along the way.
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