Xipho Profile picture
Sep 3, 2018 31 tweets 5 min read Read on X
This is Dr Kamuzu Banda.

An eccentric character, he lovingly ruled over the people of Malawi from 1964 to 1994.

#KnowYourDictators
1. You know you're off to a good start at creating a cult of personality when nobody is sure about the exact details of your birth, upbringing and childhood.

And thats the case here😊
What we do know is that our mans was educated in Britain, obtaining his medical degree and actually practicing there.

Doc returned to his home country (British Nyasaland at the time) to speak against colonialism and push for independence.
To his surprise, he was quite good at the public speaking thing - possibly because of the accent Africans magically acquire abroad.😊

At any rate, he was soon appointed Prime Minister and led the cowntry to independence✊🏾
At this point its 1964 and Doc is 60-something years old (fresh out of the Youth League👶🏾 in some places).

He comes up with the name 'Malawi' for the country and is widely respected as the founder of the nation.

An endearing tale so far❤️
2. While other leaders spent time warming the seat of power before unleashing their true colours, our good friend Doc showed no such courtesy.

Within days of his inauguration, he declared that "anything I say is law"

Why beat around the bush?😊 Respect.
Its no surprise, then, what followed.

Doc proudly stamped his authority on all of Malawian society.👊🏾

Freedom of...anything was taken away as the Malawi way became the Kamuzu way.
Of course, Doc's party (the MCP) was the only political party allowed in the cowntry. Standard😊

All adults were forced to be members of the MCP and had to buy and carry party cards at all times.

Sensibly, the cards were even sold to unborn children.😊

Start them young!
Anyone found guilty of "disloyalty, rumor-mongering, manufacturing destructive stories, whisper campaigns, loose talk or character assassination" would be dealt with personally by the president.

Almost 300,000 "opponents" were thrown into jail or creatively tortured. 🍴
Charity starts at 'home'. And dictatorship does too.😊

My man didn't think very highly of those closest to him either.

Referring to his Ministers as "my boys", Doc admitted that he would "talk to them like children and they would shut up"🤫

Firm but fair.
To keep his Ministers from thinking that they actually had any real power, Doc moved them around constantly.

Praise singers were rewarded with houses, loans and other treats.🍬

Those with nothing (nice) to say were branded traitors and punished😊

As it should be.
In 1983, 3 Ministers and an MP who had been pushing for reforms (but that has nothing to do with anything) died in a "car accident".

Doc ordered that the caskets not be opened.

Later it was discovered that they had tent pegs hammered into their heads.

How strange.

Anyway...
Doc declared himself President for Life in 1971.

Because, why waste our time?😊
3. Unlike his peers, Doc didn't try to 'Africanise' his country.

In fact, he did the opposite😕

My mans gave himself the first name Hastings, after a Scottish missionary and only wore Homburg hats and 3 piece English-style suits.🕴🏾

A gentleman and a dictator🎩
A feminist, Doc banned women from wearing trousers or mini-skirts.🥰

He even banned kissing in public and ordered haircuts for tourists with hair deemed "too long."

All media was strictly controlled and personal mail would be opened. To check for mischief, of course😊
If you can't beat the colonizer, join him.

Doc built The Kamuzu Academy - a copy of Eton College in Britain.

Students were taught Latin and Greek and disciplined if caught speaking ChiChewa.

Because African teachers were incompetent, all the teachers were European.👩🏻‍🦳
4. Its hard to sustain a love life when you're RULING a whole country and understandably Doc was single😊

He had mingled before though - fathering a son to his English secretary while abroad.

As some men do, he ran away💔 #MenAreTrash
5. Doc made strategic friends - cosying up to Britain, who happily provided aid.

Oddly, Malawi even recognised apartheid South Africa. This diplomatic support was well rewarded - as his homeys built him a palace in return.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.😊 I guess.
Why have a country if you can't treat yourself once in a while?😊

Its believed that Doc accumulated at least US$320 million in personal assets, invested in everything from agriculture to mining. 💰

As part of self care, he also made regular trips to top hotels in London🛌🏻
6. In spite of all this extravagance, the economy📈 did...okay. Especially in the 1960s and 70s.

Doc was smart enough to spend some money helping small farmers and encouraging large-scale agribusiness projects by foreign companies.
Appointing himself the Minister of Agriculture (as well as other portfolios) he built roads and railways to ship crops to market.

And this actually worked fairly well😲!
7. However, it was only a matter of time before the bubble was to burst💭

By the late 70's and 80's the economy began to flounder with rising oil prices and high prices of commodities.

Economic problems, as you know, almost always signal the end for our hero☹️
8. This was true too for Doc, although he was able to hang on for a while longer.

It wasn't until 1992 when the "international community" began to make pesky demands for aid transparency, accountability and all that boring stuff☹️

Or else, no more money💵
Even "friends" Britain withdrew aid from Malawi, stating their concern at human rights abuses.

(Et tu, Brite?👀)

Of course, Britain had known about said abuses all the while – but timing is everything I guess.😊
9. March 1992 brought a series of demonstrations and protests against Banda and his "government" by students and church groups within the cowntry✊🏿

Pressure growing, our man had no choice but to call for a referendum in 1993, where it was decided that elections would be held.
Painfully, the referendum saw our boy being stripped of the title 'President for Life', which I guess made sense.

I guess😢

To his credit, Doc didn't protest.
10. In the elections of 1994, Doc LOST convincingly and relinquished power.😢
A year later, Doc was arrested and charged for the murder of his former members of cabinet.

Just in case you were wondering whether justice was finally served...

The case was thrown out for lack of evidence (sound familiar?)😊
The good doctor was a lot of things, but one thing he was not was inconsistent.

In a statement later, he called Malawians "children in politics" and insisted that they would miss his tender iron fist✊🏿

A half-hearted apology was later issued. Meh.
Dr Hastings Kamuzu Banda died in Johannesburg South Africa on 25 November 1997, safe, comfortable and at the ripe old age of 90-something.😊
11. And thats the history lesson for today, folks!

I guess the moral of the story is that if you want something done properly, you must just do it yourself (even if it is ruling a country😂).

The End.

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More from @Sipho_Mudau

Sep 17, 2018
We're back in Liberia to follow the saga of General Samuel Doe, the Liberian leader from 1980 to 1990.

(Part 2)

#KnowYourDictators
1. A recap: its the mid 1980s.

Samuel Doe has grabbed power through a military coup (how else?) and is having a grand ol' time ruling his people through violence and intimidation😊
A self made man, Doe has done really well for himself and his friends, amassing a considerable fortune through controlling important state owned companies💵

And of course, general looting from the treasury💰
Read 27 tweets

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