1. Hello and welcome! It’s episode 215 of #MrMrsBetterHalf. Mr. & Mrs Better Half is designed to strengthen marriages & relationships that will lead to marriage, with wisdom from God's Word. 
2. If you missed the last episode, we discussed the topic-“I’ve tried to forgive my wife for cheating but the problem is I can’t forget. I always imagine her with the other man and it’s driving me crazy. Help!”If you missed it, get it here bit.ly/2Pirv5O #MrMrsBetterHalf
3. This week’s situation is. “I caught a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) in a restroom but my husband insists I cheated. This is how he always accuses me and I’m getting fed up. Help! ” Apologies to our more sensitive readers as I break this down a bit. #MrMrsBetterHalf
4. For those who may wonder, UTIs are more common in women than in men and are typically contracted through poor hygiene of your privates, poor health habits (like not drinking enough water) through sex- particularly with multiple partners, etc. #MrMrsBetterHalf
5. Medical research shows that chances of getting a UTI through the use of a public restroom are quite slim because the bacteria that cause UTIs survive in moist temperatures and cannot survive long on a dry toilet seat. #MrMrsBetterHalf
6. So to contract a UTI, you must have used a very dirty toilet and probably sat on it, leaving your genitals to interact with some existing and viable bacteria, and not wiped yourself clean. So while it seems unlikely, it is however possible. #MrMrsBetterHalf
7. Now I shared this not to side with the husband but to have the facts before proceeding. People often self-diagnose so it is possible the wife just guessed that she might have contracted it via a toilet whereas something else may have caused it. #MrMrsBetterHalf
8. If there’s anything you can take from this so far, it's that you shouldn't self-diagnose lest it appears that you're lying to cover up a sin. However, for the purpose of this discussion, we'll believe the accused spouse is telling the truth about not cheating. #MrMrsBetterHalf
9. By the way, it is also possible that a husband could contract some sort of disease that is typically transmitted through sex but claim he did not cheat. Though I will stick to this gender situation today, be aware that the reverse could be the case. #MrMrsBetterHalf
10. A lack of trust is the overriding issue in this situation and we have to get to the root of the issue in order to help resolve it. Trust is the currency of marriage which when eroded makes for a very tumultuous, unloving relationship. #MrMrsBetterHalf
11. At the start of a marriage, you make a commitment to trust your spouse from the get-go. The truth is that your trust is not supposed to be dependent on what he or she does. Your spouse should have your trust by default and not have to earn it. #MrMrsBetterHalf
12. However, if as you go on, your spouse abuses your trust, it gets eroded, and then in order to rebuild trust, your spouse will have to act in such a way as to earn it. One question you should ask today is, where are you on the spectrum? #MrMrsBetterHalf
13. Has your spouse ever had your absolute trust? If yes, did he or she actually do something to break that trust? Or is this a case of you never having trusted your spouse and have forced him or her to live under a blanket of suspicion? #MrMrsBetterHalf
14. The objective here is to x-ray what could have caused this erosion of trust (if it was there to begin with) and discuss what can be done to restore it. I’ll approach this from each person’s perspective. Let's start with the husband. #MrMrsBetterHalf
15. There are many reasons a spouse who has no real reason to distrust his mate can accuse him or her of cheating. One reason is insecurity. Insecure people usually have self-esteem issues, which make them feel somewhat inferior to others. #MrMrsBetterHalf
16. When a spouse feels insecure, he or she may feel undeserving of his or her mate. One can, therefore, live in fear that your spouse will find someone better than you and cheat on you or maybe even run away with another person and leave you. #MrMrsBetterHalf
17. Sometimes, insecurity works hand in hand with jealousy. Perhaps your wife is very good-looking, smart, charismatic, successful or likeable and you feel you aren’t. As a result, you want to cage her so that she doesn’t outshine you. #MrMrsBetterHalf
18. When you live in this kind of fear, you can project your insecurities unto your spouse and become clingy, suspicious and maybe even aggressive. The problem here is that rather than work on your weakness you’re letting it run your life. #MrMrsBetterHalf
19. Note that this weakness is one of those that you should have been dealing with before marriage otherwise you put a lot of pressure on your spouse to continually reassure you that you are good enough. Singles please take note. #MrMrsBetterHalf
20. If you have insecurity issues, work on it aggressively. Work on your perception of who you are and your value. Though your partner can help you feel good about yourself, it’s not his/her responsibility to prop you up; it’s yours. #MrMrsBetterHalf
21. Another reason a man could suspect his wife unjustly is that he could be reacting from past experience or preconceived notions. Perhaps you had a relationship where your partner cheated on you. #MrMrsBetterHalf
22. Or perhaps in your family or amongst friends, infidelity is rampant, making it hard for you to believe that people can actually be faithful to their spouses. Coming from a polygamous family I can relate to this fear. #MrMrsBetterHalf
23. However, you must not let your past define your future. My father had several women in his life but if my wife judged me by that yardstick we would have a very rough marriage. Thankfully she separates that experience from who I am. #MrMrsBetterHalf
24. Refuse to believe in these negative absolutes: “All men cheat.” “Beautiful women can never be faithful.” Etc. Your story is different. Also, judge your spouse by the yardstick by which you want to be judged. Which leads to my next point. #MrMrsBetterHalf
25. If your default setting is faithfulness you will expect faithfulness from your spouse too. Conversely, you would be paranoid about your spouse stepping out if you are stepping out yourself! So the question is: are you faithful to your spouse? #MrMrsBetterHalf
26. Always remember that you reap what you sow. This natural law cannot be broken. I always find it interesting when people demand unilateral faithfulness. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Be faithful to your spouse. #MrMrsBetterHalf
27. Now let me move to the lady’s dilemma. If you are dealing with a spouse that is insecure or has a past you will need to help him through his issues as he builds himself up. This means you will need to help him build his self-confidence. #MrMrsBetterHalf
28. The idea is to be a prop, not a crutch. Your spouse should not rely on you solely for validation but you should be there to give him or her a boost that reinforces his or her self-esteem. #MrMrsBetterHalf
29. It could be as easy as appreciating their looks, talents or competences. Speak positive words into their lives. Let them know that they bring much value to the table and that you are blessed because you married them. Be a cheerleader. #MrMrsBetterHalf
30. When dealing with a spouse who is battling memories of the past you have to reassure him or her that you are different from his or her previous experiences. An easy way to do this is to build transparent accountability structures. #MrMrsBetterHalf
31. For instance, if your spouse was cheated on before, secrecy is probably a sore spot for him or her. You might suggest that you both have a policy of open passwords for all your devices so that transparency is a value in your home. #MrMrsBetterHalf
32. For some, it is about letting your spouse know your whereabouts. So you may agree to check in with each other every few hours. For others, it may be to always let their spouse know if they’re alone with someone of the opposite sex. #MrMrsBetterHalf
33. Being very accountable will help your spouse get over his or her fears and build trust with you more readily. So think of the things that can build mutual trust and institute them in your home. It will make a difference. #MrMrsBetterHalf
34. Finally, you must check yourself and ask if you are the one causing your spouse to be suspicious. Are you doing things that are eroding trust in your home? For instance, a refusal to be accountable will raise suspicion in anyone. #MrMrsBetterHalf
35. So things like refusing to say where you are/were or where you are going will make a spouse suspicious. Some people call that policing, but actually that’s marriage. If your spouse does not know your whereabouts, who should? #MrMrsBetterHalf
36. Do you often tell lies? Even the so-called white lies? Dishonesty erodes trust in a marriage. If you can lie about small things you can lie about big things. You have to be the kind of person your spouse can trust to tell the truth. #MrMrsBetterHalf
37. Think about it: if you are a natural lying machine claiming you got a UTI from an unlikely source, obviously your spouse will disbelieve you. But if you are naturally honest, s/he will be more inclined to be understanding and sympathetic. #MrMrsBetterHalf
38. Are you very secretive? E.g. do you have a source of income your spouse doesn’t know about and you are busy making new purchases, going on trips and generally splashing money about? What do you expect him or her to think? #MrMrsBetterHalf
39. Have you changed jobs but you don’t want your spouse to visit you in the office? Why not? Do you answer phone calls outside? Do you change your phone password very often? Do you have code words for contacts on your phone? #MrMrsBetterHalf
40. Have you made new friends your spouse does not approve of? Has your association with these friends changed you- the way you look, dress, speak, or the places you frequent? Has your spouse complained? What was your response? #MrMrsBetterHalf
41. Don't live your life in a manner that suggests that you cannot be trusted. Nobody who sees unexplainable radical changes in his or her spouse will feel comfortable about it. Nobody wants a spouse that’s a stranger. #MrMrsBetterHalf
42. The bottom line is that for trust to remain a currency in marriage you both have to service it through your actions and your communication. You both have to commit to accountability and building a friendship. #MrMrsBetterHalf
43. You must be deliberate about rebuilding trust in your marriage so that your home and relationship will be one that you will not only endure but also enjoy. I hope this has been helpful. #MrMrsBetterHalf
44. This September we are dealing with relationship issues for singles, couples, people who are separated, widowed or single parents LIVE at all our centres @elevationng @tecmainland @lifepointeng. Do join us if you are in Lagos. #MrMrsBetterHalf
45. Till next week, thank you for following, participating and RTing. May your marriages and relationships be sweet! #MrMrsBetterHalf
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