Thread by @courtneymilan

It’s time for the #AppleEvent so um mute the hashtag.

Another video with ridiculous production values. Woman arrives n bike and oh dear please support biking directions on Apple Maps. #AppleEvent

Lengthy video in which a young Black woman arrives James Bond style, running through obstacles, delivering a clicker. #AppleEvent

A little too in the nose that the white guy can teleport there, but nooo she has to do all the exertion. #AppleEvent

It’s now time for Tim to say glowing things about Apple. Hi, Tim! #AppleEvent

Apple is about to ship its 2,000,000,000th IOS device. That’s a lotta devices. #AppleEvent

Apple Watch time. It’s the #1 Watch. I am a fan, Tim, just am curious if I want an upgrade. It already does everything I want, so... #AppleEvent

Okay so Connectivity + Health + Activity are the three legs of this tripod. #AppleEvent

Eye candy close up of Apple Watch IV which looks like III and II and I except with a bigger screen.

Everything is prettier, louder, and more haptic now, so if you like loud shaky things obviously you need this upgrade. #AppleEvent

Oh it’s faster. Except faster never means faster. It just means that the old ones get slower.

#AppleEvent

Oh this is kinda cool. Apple Watch Series now has Fall Detection. It can distinguish between trips, slips, and falls. #AppleEvent

Also if you are immobile after a fall for one minute it will call emergency services for you. #AppleEvent

This is not something I would use but I can imagine that there are many who would find this extremely useful. #AppleEvent

New heart rate alerts:

* too low heart rates
* uhhh it can catch instances of Afib? That’s amazing if it works

#AppleEvent

* wait it can take an ECG????!!!!! Wut how. Hey @CareyCuprisin what do you think. #AppleEvent

There are now electrodes in the Digital Crown which can sense...stuff...and classify rhythm as Sinus or Afib, and can export PDFs for your doctor. #AppleEvent

The president of the American Heart Associaion, Ivor Benjamin is up. (POC count=1). #AppleEvent

He points out that people often have symptoms which are not exhibiting when they visit a doctor.

This way people can get ECGs at the moment they feel things are wonky. #AppleEvent

Apple has FDA clearance for these claims. I was sure they had to have it to be stating this stuff right out. #AppleEvent

US customers get these later this year; need regulatory clearance elsewhere. #AppleEvent

God this is just so gadgety cool that even though I don’t HAVE heart issues I want this. #AppleEvent

18 hour battery life even with 6 hours of outdoor tracking. #AppleEvent

(I have never had issues with Watch battery life, and I bike outside a lot, so.)

I am going to predict that a LOT of older people will be getting Apple Watches for Christmas. #AppleEvent

There’s a gold stainless finish now. Whee! #AppleEvent

I very rarely give gadgets but there’s someone in my family who was (possibly) in Afib for a year unknowingly before having a heart attack and the price is CHEAP in comparison. #AppleEvent

It’s iPhone time. Much boasting about iPhone X. I do like my iPhone X. I’m not upgrading, Tim.

Your eye candy video does nothing for me.

#AppleEvent

It’s the iPhone XS, the most advanced iPhone ever created. (How many times has Tim Cook uttered that phrase?)

It’s the most durable glass ever and it’s pretty and protected and very waterproof. Tested in lots of liquids like OJ and beer. The best display ever. Of course it is. #AppleEvent

Here’s a dog photo to break up the Apple fan stuff.

There’s now a Big Screen Plus Size iPhone. #AppleEvent

They call it the iPhone XS MAX and it’s very big. But can you use a pencil in it? That’s what I want to know. #AppleEvent

Face ID is faster etc etc it’s the most secure ever

EXCEPT MY SISTER CAN UNLOCK MY PHONE WITH HER FACE

DARN YOU UNFORTUNATELY PROCREATIVE PARENTS

#AppleEvent

This is the first 7nm chip!! Which is super super exciting we are snuggling right up to the quantum limit of Moore’s law! #AppleEvent

I do not understand how my iPhone and iPad are so snappy and amazing and my laptop is still slow as fuck.

...that’s not an invitation to explain it to me, don’t.

#AppleEvent

They can get up to 512GB and I just want to say that is about as many dog pictures as I will take.

Kaianne Dranz (spelling deeply uncertain) is up. Woman count = 1, POC count=2.

Next generation of apps that will showcase all the things you can do with all this processing power. Todd Howard of Bethesda Games is up first. #AppleEvent

By the way I am of the opinion that it’s always better to upgrade on the off year because the internal hardware advances more. Which means I’m holding onto my iphoneX for at least another 2 years. #AppleEvent

It’s a pretty looking game. With spiders. Why spiders. #AppleEvent

David Lee and Steven Nash. The former is a CEO the latter plays basketball. POC count=3.

#AppleEvent

This is HomeCourt. It recognizes attempts versus baskets.

.... I also can do this, with my brain. #AppleEvent

Uh but I can’t track leg angles and release angles and stuff which this can. It helps correct your posture. In real time. #AppleEvent

OKAY BUT HOW WILL YUZURU HANYU USE THIS

#AppleEvent

Atli Mar is up next. He’s from Directive Games. This is some AR thing? I dunno. #AppleEvent

I have to admit I’m just not an AR person. This looks like a good way to get repetitive stress problems, I dunno. #AppleEvent

Okay but I am telling you that I would super appreciate a computer determining whether to call jumps underrotated because uh judges...are not always unbiased. #AppleEvent

The iPhone Camera is amazing and it’s getting better.

I really like my iPhone X camera. #AppleEvent

There’s a lot going on with this camera, called Smart HDR, and capturing at different exposures to capture highlights and shadows. #AppleEvent

I keep thinking about favorite photos on my phone and here’s this.

#AppleEvent

Apparently on Portrait mode you can now adjust the depth of field which is AMAZING. #AppleEvent

There’s video in fog and sunrise/sunset/full sunlight which is super cool if you have ever tried to catch those things on a phone and know how difficult they are. #AppleEvent

There’s 30 minutes more battery life which is great because it’s 12:17 and I’m at 33% on my iPhone X. #AppleEvent

Oh, there’s dual SIM capability. Which is... super cool. #AppleEvent

In most of the world, one of the SIMs is an eSIM. In China, they get 2 SIMs.

They’ve brought out Lisa to talk about the environmental stuff. Apple is on 100% renewable energy for everything, including all its services. #AppleEvent

She’s talking about recycling materials for the iPhone, reducing mining.

POC=4, women=2 for the count. #AppleEvent

There are disassembly robots who will recycle everything they can. And everything is designed to last as long as possible. #AppleEvent

There’s one more iPhone? It too gets a sexy eye candy video and lots of colors. #AppleEvent

It’s the iPhone XR. What does R stand for? I’m guessing rainbow for all the colors which include red and coral and blue. #AppleEvent

It has a Liquid Retina display, 6.1” on the display. Screen is bigger than the iPhone 8+ display, but smaller size than 8+. #AppleEvent

It has a single camera system but somehow they’re getting portrait mode with the bokeh? Magic stuff. #AppleEvent

...they said they were covering 2 product lines and maybe they really meant they weren’t talking about iPads/AirPods/AirPower at all? Huh. #AppleEvent

God iPhones are expensive. #AppleEvent

HomePod now has stereo support.

I hated my HomePod someday I will post the video of trying to get Siri to play the thing I wanted. #AppleEvent

Mac OS Mohave is coming next.

#AppleEvent

Tim is wrapping up, maybe? He’s thanking people and talking about the hands on area. #AppleEvent

Yeah, it’s done. No mention of refreshes on other product lines.