Every single time there's a horrifying story about a Border Patrol agent, I feel it: about midline, just below my xiphoid process, I feel a fullness; literal pain.
Always, half of me hopes it's him—the man who raped me. He grew up to be a Marine. A cop. A US Border Patrol agent.
It's important to note the very personal, very impactful and damaging nature of internalizing the message: "I don't believe you."
Let me say this "out loud," because I needed it said to me:
Just because someone else says it didn't happen doesn't mean it didn't happen.
I was 12 when I was raped.
You know what I was most afraid of? I was most afraid of getting in trouble for having let someone into the house while my family was away. I was most afraid of having to explain that I only invited him in to help him with math homework.
I was 12.
Nevermind I'd been brutally raped at knifepoint; I couldn't tell anyone. What if they demanded to know why I let him inside? What if they asked if I liked him? If I led him on?
Had I? I wondered.
I cleaned up, I showered 10 times, I cried for weeks. Then, I survived.
Here's the story of how my trauma put a literal hole in my abdomen.
I'm typing as I go; please forgive typos and/or wonky syntax. And try to forgive me if halfway through it I delete and/or disappear. This story, this experience are still pretty raw.
Also, let me go ahead & disclaim:
I am no one. I am an authority on nothing.
I don't have a license to practice anything but driving.
Please never construe anything I ever say as medical, legal, or other advice.
Y'all familiar w/the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study? Published in 1998 & the basis for hundreds more pubs, which point to childhood trauma's impact across lifespan: the higher your "dose" of childhood trauma, the worse later outcomes tend to be