Thread by @snarke

So #Trump is holding a news conference in about five minutes. I’ll be watching (and probably tweeting). Follow/mute at will!

Okay, #Trump has started speaking. He's already slurring. He's already made a joke about "a lot of......MEDIA.".

This does not bode well.

#Trump is now saying that China wants to "see me lose an election because they've never been challenged before."

It's not just China, pal.

#Trump: Trillions and trillions of dollars have been taken out of America for the benefit of China and it's just not fair.

Okay A: No.
B: Seriously, No.
C: Shut up.

#Trump: They just raised interest rates because we're doing so well. I'm not happy about that. I'd rather pay down debt. Or do other things.

You've never paid down debt in your life.

#Trump: We're doing so well. We're doing so much better than I could have predicted. If someone else had gotten in, it wouldn't be so good. They'd have choked the economy. Choked. But I don't think they'll get in for a long time.

ORLY. Tell us more. I DARE YOU.

1st Q: Why isn't the WH calling for the FBI to investigate the #Kavanaugh allegations?

#Trump: The FBI told us they've investigated just Kavanore. Six times, five times. They know him very well. Look at what Joe Biden said. They don't do this.

Yes, he actually said "Kavanore."

#Trump: They [Dems] go into a room and I guarantee you they laugh like hell at what they've pulled on you and what they've pulled on the public. Even if the FBI said he was perfectly innocent of everything, you wouldn't get one vote.

Eesh. Oh no. Also ew.

Q: Are you saying that the women accusing #Kavanaugh are liars?

#Trump: Yeah....oh, well, I won't get into that game. Everyone who knows him says the same thing. These are all false, to me, and in certain cases even the media agrees with that.

Oops, almost answered honestly.

#Trump: I'm gonna pick so many judges. As you know Obama wasn't big on picking judges. And everybody is going to be scared. It could happen to you! Because they could say 35 years ago. Why didn't Feinstein bring this at the beginning? They'd have had all the time in the world.

#Trump: I'd like to get into the room with them as they're laughing as Schumer and his friends are laughing at how they fooled you all.

Jesus, dude. Stop.

Asked if he understands why women don't always come forward, #Trump says: "Look. People are going to have to make up their mind." And then goes on to call Avenatti a con artist.

I'm going to set something on fire.

Q: You asked all the leaders around the world to end socialism--

#Trump: Well, you take a look around the world and socialism isn't exactly riding high.

Reporter calls #Trump out for not taking questions from any of the women present.

I LOVE YOU, REPORTER, WHOEVER YOU ARE.

Q: Why do you side with the attackers and not the victims of assault?

#Trump: Well I didn't like Roy Moore. Let's get that straight.

Right because that's what we're talking about.

Reporter super going after #Trump for not listening to women and he's really not taking it well.

I love this. Thank you reporter, whoever you are.

Now it's Hallie Jackson's turn. She asks "Do you think these women are liars?"

#Trump I don't know. I have to watch. I do know that one woman's lawyer is a scumbag. I'm going to see what happens tomorrow. I'm going to see what's said.

Any excuse to watch TV, right?

#Trump: I'm going to watch and I'm also going to listen to some very fair Republican Senators. I mean we could bring in George Washington and the Democrats wouldn't want him.

JFC.

#Trump: If the Republicans win tomorrow, I think we'll get some Democrat votes.

If. The. Republicans. Win. Tomorrow.

WIN.

Because it's all a game show.

Q: Have you ever given a woman the benefit of the doubt?

#Trump: I've been watching for a long time and these are good people. There are lots of not good people who never got brought up.

#Trump: Her parents could have reported it 36 years ago. Maybe they couldn't, but in some cases they do report it. If they did report it, it would have been amazing. I'm not saying they have to report it, it's a very personal thing. But they should have reported it.

...what?

#Trump: Look, this is the United States Senate. It's the highest appointment in the land, some say. I don't think it is. War and Peace. War. And. Peace.

He thinks he's appointing someone to the SENATE?

Oh my god.

FTLOG, #Trump is now complaining about how women have been paid to make false accusations about him and insisting "I never met these people! And what did they do? What did they do? They took money to say bad things about me."

Dude is losing his sh*t.

Oh no. Now #Trump is on to how the NYT is fake news and says that lots of the people sitting in the room with him are fake. "Only about 20% aren't fake."

Time to end this, Trump handlers.

Holy sh*t. #Trump just told the (woman) reporter to sit down because "you've been asking a question for like ten minutes. Sit down."

Q: Do you have any evidence for the claims you're making about China?

#Trump: There's evidence. We have evidence. It isn't just, like, coming from nowhere. I saw on TV that China has much respect for Donald Trump and his very very large...uh...brain.

He really just said that.

This #Trump presser is bonkers. Holy carp.

Q: Will you fire Rod Rosenstein?

#Trump: I'm talking to him. We've had a good talk. He said he has a lot of respect for me...There was no collusion and no obstruction. I fight back. I mean if you call that obstruction, that's fine.

Did...did he just admit to obstruction?

#Trump is literally babbling now. Holy frick.

Q: Nobody within your administration has discussed the 25th?

#Trump: My enemies, sure. But they're not going to beat me. I'm against what they want to do. I'm in favor of law enforcement. And safety and security and low taxes. And borders!

Dude has forgotten where he is.

#Trump: *rambles a bunch of lies I think are about how great he is* then says "and the press knows it. But they don't print it. They're a bunch of liars."

Holy f*ck.

#Trump: If I wasn't elected, you'd be in a war. And Obama said essentially the same thing. He was ready to go to war. You'd have lost millions of people. You know how close he was to pushing the trigger? With me? Nobody's talking about that!

Uh.....no?

#Trump just called the letter he received from Kim Jong Un a "beautiful work of art."

#Trump is now complaining that people criticized him for his meeting with Putin. "We had a great meeting! Great meeting! A beautiful meeting! But they said I was too easy on him!"

This is getting so ugly.

#Trump: They shifted a mountain! North Korea! They thought it was an earthquake but it turns out was nuclear testing. We had some rhetorical contests, Kim and I.

RHETORICAL CONTESTS?!

#Trump is literally honing this "Obama wanted to go to war" lie out loud in real time. Jesus. Please, someone, call him out on it.

#Trump just said he's calling on a reporter because she was nodding along with him as he spoke. He thinks this is going to be a softball.

Narrator: It was not a softball.

Reporter starts question w/ "Are you at all concerned using phrasing like 'con job'" and is cut off by #Trump who has decided that she's talking about Russia? Or something? Or.... wait. No. Okay. He thinks everything happening is a con job.

And now he's reliving the election.

#Trump: Women are INCENSED about what's going on.

Yes. Yes we are. But not in the way you seem to think, assface.

Note: the Reporter did not actually get to ask her question. #Trump just rambled then called on someone else.

Q: What will you do to support the Kurds as they fight ISIS?

#Trump: We defeated ISIS a short while ago in the middle east. We had help from the Kurds and we're going to discuss that situation. We've already discussed that situation.

Uh. What?

Q: Did you refuse to meet with Canadian PM?

#Trump: Yeah, because he won't move on the deal. We might start taxing their cars soon. They've treated us very badly. Dairy products! 300%! How do you sell a dairy product at 300%?

You don't even know what dairy products are.

Q: Will you be pulling out of NAFTA?

#Trump: I don't like NAFTA. I refuse to use the name NAFTA. I don't like the name NAFTA. I won't use it.

Because the best way to prove you won't do something is to do it over and over again.

#Trump: We're gonna probably call it the USMC. Like the Marine Corp. General Kelly likes the Marines, don't you? Yeah...you like the Marines.

What the actual frick is going on.

Holy. F*ck. #Trump just called on a Middle Eastern reporter by calling him "Mr. Kurd." That's a thing that just happened.

You know, just in case you weren't disgusted enough already.

#Trump is now bragging about solving a conflict between the Syrians and the Russians via Twitter.

I'd call this the Upside Down but that would be insulting to the Upside Down.

Asked about #Trump asking other world leaders to pile on Iran, dude says "uh. Deals. What's gonna happen?"

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.

#Trump: Iran is gonna come back. They're gonna come back to me. They have to. I'm with the Iran people. They'll come back to me.

To YOU?!

#Trump "The New York Times is going to endorse me. They have to. If they don't, they'll go out of business!"

Dude. Stop.

Q: So the world leaders yesterday who laughed when you said--

#Trump: That's fake news.

Dude. There's VIDEO.

#Trump: They weren't laughing *at* me. They were laughing *with* me. We were having a good time together!

Oh, honey. Your delusions would be cute if you weren't such a raging disgusting asshat.

Q: You said you felt a kinship with #Kavanaugh--

#Trump: I never said that! I didn't say that. That's fake news! Why would you say that? I didn't say that!

Again: THERE'S VIDEO.

#Trump is now telling a reporter that she had written about how the women were paid to say bad things about him while also complaining that nobody said anything about how they were paid to say bad things about him.

Donnie needs a nap.

Q: You've said you support a two state solution. Can you tell us more about this?

#Trump If Israelis and Palestinians want one state, that's okay with me. If they want two states, it's okay with me. I'm a facilitator!

Someone has been reading his word of the day toilet paper.

#Trump: I've realized that peace between Israel and Palestine is very important.

HOLY HELL, THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION! </sarcasm>

#Trump [on China]: They're doing studies on Donald Trump because they've never seen this happen!

Or because the entire world wants to make it stop.

#Trump: [still talking about China? Who can even tell anymore.] I can't say what President Moon said about me because you'll say I'm too braggadocious *goes on to brag about what Moon said about him*

President Moon is not the President of China.

#Trump: Farmers were on TV and they love me! They said "we don't care if we get hurt, he's doing the right thing."

Your people have started filming "news" for you to watch, haven't they.

#Trump: I think we should finish with that question, don't you think? *then goes on to call on another reporter.*

Now #Trump is comparing himself to Elton John? For some reason?

I'm not even kidding. That's a thing that happened.

Asked about what his response to the #Kavanaugh accusations is saying to young *men*, #Trump says "this is a very dangerous moment in our history and it's being perpetrated by some very evil people and some of them are Democrats."

Dangerous. Moment.

Gross. GROSS.

#Trump: I've always heard "innocent until proven guilty" what a beautiful phr1
ase. But now it's "guilty until proven innocent but I look forward to hearing what she has to say."

And with that, Li'l Donnie flees the podium.

Okay maybe not *flees*, more like *trundles away*.

Thanks for reading my #Trump tweets, everybody! I appreciate it! If you'd like to contribute to my Trump-recovery-milkshake fund, here's a handy link where you can do that: snarke.net/support