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Jar-Jarfalump Profile picture
@tonygoldmark
Sep 17, 2017 • 280 tweets • >60 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
Y'know, it's at times like this, when I'm five minutes into watching BATMAN V SUPERMAN for the first time...
...and I've just watched a colony of bats levitate young Bruce Wayne out of a hole in the ground...
...and then it dissolves to white, with the title

METROPOLIS
MANKIND IS INTRODUCED TO THE SUPERMAN
It's at times like this when I start to really, really, REALLY miss Adam West.
Strap in folks, I'm livetweeting BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE.
Driving through Metropolis, Bruce Wayne just knocked someone's car door off. Fuck you, other people!
So a building comes crumbling down, Bruce Wayne runs into the cloud of rubble, and then...horse.

A fucking horse.

Just..............horse.
Even Bruce Wayne looks confused.

Fucking horse.

And now, back to HORSEMAN V SUPERHORSE: DAWN OF HORSE
You know these first responders are thinking, "We GET IT! You can't feel your legs! We heard you the first hundred times!"
Oh come on, just "18 Months Later?" That title isn't pretentious enough for this movie.
Why not "And Lo, Mankind Endures Another Orbit And A Half Around Sol, The Uncaring Yellow Sun."
Meanwhile, in POINT BREAK...
I never knew the Indian Ocean had so much chlorine in it.
This week on Lois & Clark, it's a wacky mix-up when Lois Lane joins ISIS!
What's Isaac Hayes as Asneeze from ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS doing here?
"I'm not a lady, I'm a journalist." I half expect this terrorist to launch into some tirade about ethics.
Jimmy Olsen, ladies and gentlemen! Let's give him no hands whatsoever!
Sure, cut to black after Superman just starts beating the shit out of a terrorist warlord. That wouldn't have been fun to watch or anything.
And then cut to people DESCRIBING it in a courtroom! Zack Snyder, visionary filmmaker!
"So many dead..." So wait, Superman just fucking killed a bunch of people? Did he figure, "meh, I already killed Zod, who gives a fuck?"
And Senator Elastigirl over here is just thinking "Fuck these amateurs."
Amy Adams absolutely needed to be naked in a bathtub in this scene. It's the only way this scene would've made any sense narratively.
Superman don't give a FUUUCK about your flooded apartment, Lois! He'll...um...PUNCH that mildew away!
Meanwhile, on a ghost-hunting reality show...
Oh shit, a bunch of women locked in a dungeon. Quick, get a dog with keys in its mouth!
This is the worst BDSM fetish video I've ever seen.
Hi, Jeremy's Iron!
Y'know, credit where it's due: I like that this is the first Alfred who seems to actually be kinda sick of Bruce's shit.
Granted that's probably just a side effect of Zack Snyder "everybody hates everybody" storytelling, but still...here it kinda fits.
I like the idea of Alfred as a Kif to Bruce Wayne's Zapp Brannigan.
So, to review, we have a scene of Clark Kent acknowledging that people think he's a monster, but he doesn't care...
...followed almost immediately by a scene of Bruce Wayne acknowledging that people think he's a monster, but he doesn't care.
cuz batman and superman are polar opposites y'see and that's what makes this clash between them so exciting
I dunno what the hell he's frying in the pan there but it sure as fuck ain't eggs.
"That masked bat vigilante is branding child predators and human traffickers! That...monster?"
People are mad at Superman for "killing" terrorists and mad at Batman for "killing" human traffickers. #TrumpsAmerica #BothSides
(picks up bullhorn) PLEASE STOP ASKING IF I'M WATCHING THE THEATRICAL OR EXTENDED CUT I AM WATCHING THE THEATRICAL CUT AND THAT'S FINAL
Meanwhile, in High School Musical...
Ah, yes, Lexie Landis Luthorberg! I was wondering when your crazy ass would show up.
Y'know, people said Eisenberg was just playing Zuckerberg again, but he's really not. He's playing some entirely different demented cartoon.
"There are more of them." No there aren't. There's just Superman. The rest were killed in MoS. Remember "Krypton had its chance?"
Earlier in this scene he literally called Holly Hunter "madame."
Climb, Banksy, climb!
So ONE ASSHOLE puts some graffiti on a statue and it makes the news? News days are never that slow in the real world, and we have no aliens!
Dawww, Superman feels BAD cuz-a one graffiti troll.
Okay, that scene where the government guy grants Lex access to the Kryptonian ship? That could've been cut.
Maybe cut that, and leave in some shit from the extended cut that everyone keeps saying makes the movie marginally better? Hmmm?
OH GOD THE FUCKING JOLLY RANCHER SCENE WHAT THE FUCK
That...clearly needed to happen! That...doesn't stick out like the world's biggest sore thumb whatsoever!
Meanwhile, in Fight Club...
This movie never stops reminding me of the MST3K quote, "It's economical not to have a plot, cuz you can just film people saying things!"
"The American conscience died with Robert, Martin and John." Wait, WHAT?
The...the assassinations of MLK and the Kennedys killed THE AMERICAN CONSCIENCE ITSELF?
So there have just been ZERO good, conscientious Americans since the 60s, eh Morpheus?
9/11 first responders, Harvey Milk, Neil deGrasse Tyson, that guy who punched Richard Spencer...nope, none of them exist.
"Three people got shot fifty years ago so we don't have to be good journalists, MOM!"
That is a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID theme for these movies to have.
Y'know how at no point in THE AVENGERS does it suddenly cut to some scummy lowlife molesting a child he kidnapped? That's on purpose.
Sure, I get that. We've had some great superhero films, why not switch it up with some shitty superhero films?
You can't just eat macaroni & cheese every night. Why not switch it up with a big bowl of concrete garnished with three dead dogs?
Anywhoozle, continuing ze movie...

They could've cut that "Economy Plus" joke. It wasn't funny. I'm trying to help here.
I like in Marvel movies how characters talk like human beings for the most part. I miss that.
"Devils don't come from Hell beneath us, they come from the sky." This is a parody. They filmed a parody and released it as the real thing.
Bruce is paying homage to the bats who made him levitate that one time in what may or may not have been a dream who the fuck cares.
Annnnd....GIANT DONNIE DARKO RABBIT BAT MONSTER YAAAAAY!!!
I remember this guy was in MAN OF STEEL but if you put a gun to my head I couldn't tell you what his character did.

I watched it yesterday.
Shit, the disc is skipping through this scene of Bruce and Alfred talking. Does it matter?
It's the scene from about 37-38 minutes in, beginning with "I hope the next generation of Waynes won't inherit an empty wine cellar."
Any crucial exposition in that scene? Anyone remember?
Bruce Wayne has to drive through an apocalyptic wasteland to get to Lex's party...
Diana just showed up, and I realize this movie is the opposite of ice cream. It's terrible. They should be very ashamed.
I do like how Diana is just rolling her eyes at Lex's description of greek mythology. She's all, "Bitch, you know nothing of our work!"
Yeah, I am loving the fuck out of dgaf Kif-Alfred
"Having knowledge with no power is PARADOXICAL!" I think Lexy took SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK a smidge too seriously.
Hi, voice of Richard Cheese! Awesome that you're in such a huge movie! Too bad it's one of the worst huge movies ever!
See, that first conversation between Bruce and Clark was actually pretty well-written. It had tension, conflict, character development...
...And then, BOOM! Wacky Lex Landisberg blows ALL that goodwill away like a soup cracker under a sandblaster!
The entire waitstaff is so Hispanic they're watching Spanish-language news.

I can't tell if the movie's racist or the world is.
SUPERMAN IS KINDA JESUS GEDDIT?!?!?
Oh, Neil deGrasse Tyson, WHY? Whyyyyyy? You should be DEBUNKING shitty sci-fi movies, not appearing in them!
Jesus Christ, movie, if I'd wanted to watch a shitty cable news debate show I'D WATCH A SHITTY CABLE NEWS DEBATE SHOW
The white noise of cable news pundits droning back and forth isn't fascinating no matter how much dramatic music you put under it, Zack.
A montage of Superman saving people is ENOUGH. It's absolutely enough. Cutting back to pundits running their mouths about it doesn't help.
What, is it supposed to be a contrast? Are you trying to give people in suits yakety-yakking on basic cable EQUAL WEIGHT...
...to an alien demigod literally flying around SAVING LIVES DURING DISASTERS?!? Who gives a FUCK what cable news thinks?
Yeah. There's gonna be naysayers. Who cares? Shake it off, Superman. Take Taylor Swift's advice.

(Someone whispers something in Tony's ear)
...Oh.

Do NOT take Taylor Swift's advice under any circumstances.
I swear, this movie is a comment section troll's wet dream. People are trolling SUPERMAN SAVING PEOPLE and the movie feeds the trolls.
Yeah, and Tommy Wiseau *intended* THE ROOM to be a deathly-serious psychodrama.
Oh come on, a FAKE Senator played by Holly Hunter? You couldn't have gotten Chuck Schumer or Kirsten Gillibrand?
Meanwhile, in a prison movie they spliced in for no reason...
What the FUCK is wrong with Lex Luthor? He uses a wheelchair he doesn't need in front of a legless dude BOUND TO A WHEELCHAIR?
That's not just a dick move, that's a fucking demon-in-THIS IS THE END-sized-dick move.
This Oscar season, Lex Luthor IS Guy Caballero.
"To help you stand for something." OH FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUC
Why the FUCK didn't the Disability Rights Movement protest this movie? Jesus fuck, that scene alone is just fucking vile.
Shitty wordplay in service of a dick move against a man in a wheelchair. COMPLEX MORALLY AMBIGUOUS REALISM HA-DERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP
The scene ended before the legless guy could scream "Fuck you!" and roll the fuck out.
Wait, now Perry considers 1938 the height of altruism? I thought it died thirty years later when those three guys were shot.
Oh, I can't WAIT to find out what you think "empathize" means!
"Nobody cares about Clark Kent taking on the Batman."
Ahhhh, Diana shutting down Bruce Wayne's Batsplaining was exactly the palate cleanser I needed. Mmmm, that's the good stuff.
Diana is talking about a picture she thinks Lex has...is she talking about the picture Bruce sends her in the WONDER WOMAN framing device?
Sorry this is taking so long, I keep pausing the movie to tweet and read responses. Yeesh, I'm not even an hour into it.
Ahhh, that Diana scene was an all-around marvelous palate cleanser.

And now, back to Hell.
BAT MAX: FURY ROAD
Y'know, when I watched SUPERFRIENDS reruns as a kid, I kept thinking "they never fight enough faceless stormtroopers in a desert hellscape."
With...fucking flying dragonfly-men picking people off like owls? What the cotton-pickin' FUCK?
Thanks for making me rely on strangers on Twitter to tell me these things, movie! You're right, exposition IS dumb!
"I had the weirdest dream, Superman was angry at me for killing Lois! He must be evil!"
"Wait, you killed Lois? Why..."
"EVIL!!!"
Wait...WHAT?
Electrical...sparks...everywhere...guy in a mask saying "Lois Lane"...WHAT?
YOU CAN'T DO A DREAM SEQUENCE WITHIN A FUCKING DREAM SEQUENCE MOVIE UNLESS YOUR NAME IS INCEPTION AND YOUR NAME IS NOT FUCKING INCEPTION
I give up. When this movie confuses me I'll just pretend I'm rewatching WILD WILD WEST instead.
"You have been to the art of deception as Mozart to the harpsichord." Alfred and Diana should get drinks together, they both deserve better.
"If there's even a 1% chance that he is our enemy, we have to take it as absolute certainty." Thanks, Ricky Bobby.
Oh cool, an action sequence. I still don't give a fuck, but at least these shitty characters aren't talking.
See...the Batmobile crashing into Superman and bouncing off him is a REALLY cool visual idea...shot with complete incompetence.
Think about what that MEANS for the Batmobile to bounce off Superman. One of the few symbolisms in this movie that makes an ounce of sense.
It should've been treated with the level of gravitas Whedon gave to Thor's hammer colliding with Cap's shield.
Instead...I had to rewind a couple times just to make absolute sure that that was, in fact, what happened.
THE BATMOBILE HAS A CAR ALARM ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME
"Good is a conversation, not a unilateral decision!" There was bad behavior on both sides, folks, buhlieve me.
Someone else pointed this out, but...weren't those people in the desert FUCKING TERRORISTS?
Even if Superman DID kill them, since fucking when does the U.S. government consider killing terrorists immoral?
(Or...fuck, killing brown and black foreigners in general, if we're being brutally honest)
Oh, so it's the government saying "Stop killing innocent civilians! THAT'S *OUR* FUCKIN' JOB!"
"...or be none of it. You don't owe this world a thing."

I'm starting to think the wrong Martha got killed.
Meanwhile, in Oliver Stone's JFK...
SO
FUCKING
WHAT
if people hate him?

Does it hurt his feewings? HE'S FUCKING SUPERMAN, *BULLETS* DON'T HURT HIM
THIS is why I fucking detest Moody Superman. Superman shouldn't have self-doubt. He saves people because it's the right thing to do.
Here's the thing: right now, there's trolls on Kiwifarms who hate me for no real reason and shitpost about me all the live-long day.
If *I*, a complete fucking weakling, can ignore them completely and go about my merry way, SO CAN FUCKING SUPERMAN.
Superman should not be bothered by pesky little ants in the comments section. He's better than that. Or at least, he SHOULD be.
That is roughly the 1,452,398th Decent Message This Movie Ruins Through Incompetent Execution.
Anyone powerful enough to deflect bullets with his eyeball shouldn't give a shit what hateful people think.
It's only "not enough" because Earth's yellow sun somehow neglected to tell him "Haters gonna hate."
Diana was betrayed by systemic misogyny. That's a LITTLE more substantive than "waaa those meanies don't like me."
Doesn't he fucking die at the end of this movie?
THEY GOT SOLEDAD FUCKING O'BRIEN TO BE IN THIS? Jesus Hell...didn't these people have actual news to cover?
I thought the oldest lie in America was "Don't worry, we're just visiting."
Oh God...THIS scene...one of the many I'd heard about long before I started watching this fucking movie...
Anyone else feeling a little thirsty?
It's funny...I'm in the mood for tea, but I've also got a crazy kinda hankering for something fruity too.
If only there was a tasty beverage that could combine the sweetness of fruit juice with the wholesome goodness of iced tea...
...Something authentic, rustic, something that reminds one of hearth and home...

...something...just like dear old GRANNY used to brew...
Oh well. Sadly, such a beverage will never exist.

Hang on, I gotta take a leak.
Okay, I'm back.

This scene is supposed to be this horrifying dramatic reveal and I cannot fucking stop laughing.
It's like, y'know the Zucker Bros. rule of comedy? The more seriously you deliver a silly joke, the funnier it becomes.
Granny's Peach Tea is basically an unintentional manifestation of that rule of comedy. It's TRYING to be serious...
...but the underlying Thing That's Happening is so absolutely rigoddamndiculous it just makes it funny as hell.
Congratulations, Zack Snyder: for one glorious scene, you accidentally became a master of comedy.
So...was Lex's female assistant killed in the blast? Is he just killing his own assistants now?
ANOTHER HORSE! This movie makes perfect sense now.
...Hey yeah, why DIDN'T Superman see the bomb with his X-ray vision? Why WASN'T he looking?
Boy...Lex sure was hinging his plan on a VERY unlikely coinkydink or two.
"Righting wrongs for a ghost." A ghost who fucking killed HIMSELF because he was too proud to let you save him, ya dingus.
Oh great, now the dude who can fly, lift buildings and stop bullets with his eyebrow is gonna get EVEN MOODIER (FART NOISE)
"It's all that gives them hope." WHAT THE FUCK DO THESE MOVIES KNOW ABOUT HOPE? WHAT GIVES THEM THE *SLIGHTEST* AUTHORITY ON THE SUBJECT?
What good is "hope" if it can be extinguished by some troll with graffiti with the temerity to NOT treat you like Christ reborn?
Softest, most easily-bruised ego in the fucking planet, this guy. Mopier than a speeding bullet, more butthurt than a locomotive...
...able leap to his persecution complex in a single bound!

Look! Up in his apartment, weeping!

It's a nerd!

It's a pain!
No, it's...

...SUPER PERSECUTION COMPEX!!!
No movie with a walking cartoon like Lex Landisberg has any business falling back on "it reflects real life."
If you're gonna do a big stupid exercise montage, at LEAST have the decency to put some rockin' 80s music under it.
FUCK YEAH!
Oh look, a picture from a GOOD movie. And accompanying music.
Batfleck's thinking, "Holy FUCK...what's the guy from the STAR TREK reboot doing in a picture from 1918?!"
So, Lex is gonna trap Zod in the Matrix?
Y'know, I give credit where it's due to this franchise for having Lois INSTANTLY realize that Clark is Superman...
...Even in that last scene in MoS, she clearly knows what's up...

But how has Perry White still not figured it out?
Yeah, run away to your fortress of solitude, Superman. Don't bother telling the press your side of the story or anything.
Ah yes, the "we contracted Kevin Costner for one more movie so fuck it he's a ghost or something" scene.
I'm so glad Ghost Pa Kent telling this longwinded story about water is in the theatrical cut instead of stuff that, I'm told, make it better
He's talking about drowning horses. This movie thinks of horses more highly than it does people, doesn't it?
If Bruce Wayne picks up a guitar and starts singing Loudon Wainwright III's "Older Than My Old Man Now" this whole movie will be redeemed.
Y'know what, you're right. I'm wrong to express dislike with this movie and I'm sorry I ever started. Shame on me.
Please NEVER STOP TELLING ME HOW MUCH HOPE THE FILM PROVIDES THAT I HAVE TO KEEP WAITING FOR
EVERY
FUCKING
TIME
you say those fucking words, my dick grows an extra two inches. OH damn that feels good.
Nancy Grace just showed up in this movie and at this point I'm just legit wondering what took her so long.
"If he's got nothing to hide, why hasn't he been seen since this tragedy?" I never thought I'd say this, but...good question, Nancy Grace!
For sheer optics...yeah, why DIDN'T Superman immediately tell the press his side of the story? It just looks bad to fly away like that.
Batman is...summoning...himself.

K.
Y'know, the more I think about it, the more the jar of piss seems REALLY superfluous to Lex's overall plan.
I mean, how'd he even get that jar of piss to the stand? And for what purpose, exactly?
So Senator Elastigirl knew, before she died, who was killing her and why?

That seems like a REALLY minor detail in the grand scheme.
Certainly not worth the risk of getting caught trying to put a fucking JAR OF PISS on a Senator's desk.
Oh cool, more Richard Cheese!
Oh good, the freshman philosophy student wants to talk all our ears off at Thanksgiving dinner. Juuuuuust splendid.
"If God is all-powerful, he cannot be all-good." Yeah...that's kinda the point of the entire Old Testament, genius.
So...Batman and Superman are gonna fight each other, just because this weasely little pipsqueak wants them to?
"Every boy's special lady is his mother." Eminem would bitch-slap you for that and you'd deserve it, Lex.
Wait...what does Lex have against Batman? I mean, Superman I KINDA get because of his God hangups...but...pweh?
Oh God, another part of the fucking movie I'd heard about...
SURE, now that we've set up the big final title bout, NOW would be the absolute PERFECT TIME to show trailers for our next few movies.
Jesus tapdancing God almighty, Aquaman really does look THAT STUPID, doesn't he?
UGH, someone else tell him.
"We can't afford a chopper! Wait, it's NOT work-related? Here, have all the choppers you need!" #PerryWhiteLogic
So the Kryptonite wears off, Superman gets his strength back, he's got Batman where he wants him...
...Now would be the perfect time to tell Batman what's going on like he was gonna do in the first place NOPE LET'S THROW HIM THROUGH A WALL
I am kinda legit ASTOUNDED how little I care about this fight.
I mean, you'd think at least this clash of the titans would be interesting, but nope, the movie I just slogged through ruined it.
Ah yes...here it comes, the one moment that will forever, irrevocably define this movie...
More than Lex Landisberg, more than dgaf Alfred, more even than Granny's Peach Tea...
Save.
Martha.
I've mocked this scene relentlessly ever since first hearing about it, and...yeah, it's just as dumb as I was told. Maybe even dumber.
No, wait - turns out Batman was being SARCASTIC when he negated the whole reason why that scene was sposta work!
Yeah, that time Batman acknowledged Superman's parents, thus rendering the "he didn't realize Supes had a mom" argument COMPLETELY wrong...
...was just SARCASM, which solves everything! He's not WRONG, y'see! The way REALITY works is wrong, so he's gonna bend it nicely for us.
Silly me. I didn't realize Batman was being SARCASTIC! Ha ha ha ha HAW. My mistake. This film is a masterpiece now.
Oh yeah, and this new, post-"SAVE MARTHA" Batman, who's learned how to be a real hero who doesn't kill people...IS FUCKING KILLING PEOPLE!
While Batman fights all these nameless mooks in a warehouse, I find myself wondering what happened to that horse from the opening scene.
Okay, unmuting you to ask you this ONE question...

Why, then, does Batman KILL PEOPLE IN THE VERY NEXT SCENE?!?
Blowing up cars, blowing up PEOPLE...whole buncha dead mothafuckas.
Then Bats calls himself a "friend" of Supes to Supes' mom's face...when Supes did NOTHING to prove himself innocent! YAAAAAY!
It REALLY feels like you're forgetting that Goyer and Snyder can devise any scenario they want.
AGAIN...these are fictional characters. I'll let Batman explain it again.
They could've put Batman and Martha in ANY situation they wanted for that scene, including one where no one gets killed.
Thus PROVING your point that Batman has, in fact, turned over a new leaf. But they didn't do that. They chose to kill more mothafuckas.
So Batman didn't learn a Goddamn thing. Or if he did, the audience never FEELS like he did.
ESPECIALLY after he tells Martha, "I'm a friend of your son's." Her son did fucking NOTHING to prove his innocence to Batman!
It's L I T E R A L L Y "Batman learns he and Superman's mothers had/have the same name so they instantly becomes friends."
The movie squanders absolutely EVERY possible opportunity to disprove that particular analysis. This goes BEYOND "poor execution."
Honest to God, I'd rather be watching the fake Batman movie Roger Corman was directing in that one scene in LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION.
Eisenberg's reading of "The devil will do it!" just reminds me of how thoroughly unthreatening this twerp is in this movie.
Sure. Throw the fucking Balrog-Hulk into the mix. I don't give a fuck anymore.
QUIT TRYING TO BE NIETZSCHE YOU ARE NOT NIETZSCHE
I WISH I COULD BRING NIETZSCHE BACK FROM THE DEAD JUST SO HE COULD PULL AN ANNIE HALL "YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY WORK" ON YOUR DUMB ASS
Never saw the other three, so I couldn't say. Anyone else wanna take a stab at this?
"Oh God...who let Henry Rollins out of containment? No one is safe!"
"Downtown is nearly empty..." THANKS Anderson Cooper for that last-minute ADR we could use to justify the forthcoming wanton destruction!
God, I LOVE the "had it with this shit" look on Diana's face as she leaves the airplane. "I have to do fucking EVERYTHING around here..."
It mirrors my "had it with this shit" face re: the rest of the fucking movie.
Did...

...did Superman just reference The Iron Giant referencing Superman?
Will this movie EVER get tired of blowing shit up?
FUCK YEAH WONDER WOMAN!!! ALL THE WORLD IS WAITING FOR YOUUUUU...TO SAVE THIS SHITPILE MOVIE!
I've heard that in theaters, audiences CHEERED when Wonder Woman finally showed up, and I believe every word. What a breath of fresh air.
RIGHT?!?
Y'know...even if WONDER WOMAN hadn't been as great as it was...God DAMN did DC put the cart before the horse with this entire universe.
The fact that Wonder Woman just SHOWING UP to kick some ass at the end of BVS provoked such a response...
...is a testament to how fucking sick everyone is of Batman and Superman.

Not just in this movie. In movies, in general.
This was the first time a live-action Wonder Woman, in full costume, had ever appeared on the big screen.

And the wait was WAY too long.
To the point where, when it finally happened, JUST THE FACT THAT IT HAPPENED was a triumphant revelation.
Imagine if WB had STARTED their cinematic universe with the first-ever Wonder Woman movie. Imagine how fundamentally different it'd all be.
But then it probably woulda been that shitawful Whedon script and we wouldn't have gotten the WW movie we got. I guess it's a trade-off.
"Is she with you?" "I thought she was with you." That's right kids, Bats and Supes are fucking useless in their own damn movie.
Couldn't resist an upskirt shot, couldja Snyder?
Oh good, Wonder Woman's lassoing the monster. NOW he'll tell the truth!
He may *claim* "AAAAAAAGGH BRAAAAAAGH" but I can tell he really "BRAAAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAGH!" Nothing gets past me.
How can Superman still fly if he's carrying the kryptonite spear?
Don't worry kids, I'm sure Superman's only pretending to be dead to be sarcastic. Movie justified!
Shaved Lex Landisberg just looks like Eminem. #MarthasSpaghetti
So, TWO MOVIES into their cinematic universe, they kill off Superman.
I'd heard that they did that, but the full weight of how colossally stupid that decision is really doesn't hit you til you see it in context
Yes, let's give Superman the funeral of an American hero...who co-9/11'd a city and, for all these people know, blew up Congress.
Dammit, dumb as it is, this funeral stuff is almost making me feel something. Quick, cut to Jake Tapper!
"Help me find the others like you...the others with moms named Martha."
"My mother was named Hippolyta."
"Well FUCK OFF then!"
"We have to stand together."
(Diana gives the world's biggest "so fucking goddamn DONE with this shit" sigh)
"A hundred years ago I walked away from mankind." Wait, what?
So...after the events of WONDER WOMAN, she just...stopped?

That's...guh...duh...fuh...
"Men are still good." Fuck you, Bruce. Fuck you with a fifty-foot-tall cactus.
Fuck the end of this movie for presenting Goddamn BATFLECK as less cynical than Wonder Goddamn Woman.
"We can do better." And Patty Jenkins did.
Seriously Goddamn FUUUUUUUCK this stupid monkey-ass movie for putting the inspirational final words in BRUCE'S mouth and not Diana's.
Jesus suffering fuck what a colossal miscalculation on every conceivable level this turd is.
OH, MY MISTAKE! Those *weren't* the final words, even though they felt every inch like they were!
This movie was made by developmentally-disabled rhesus monkeys and we've still got more Lex Landisberg shenanigans!
Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything's ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
AND HE ACTUALLY TURNED THE PAINTING UPSIDE-DOWN HOLY FUCK THIS MOVIE REFUSES TO FUCKING END
I wish I gave the smallest slice of a shit who the "he" in "he's hungry and he's coming" refers to. Really I do.
And it's FINALLY fucking over. Shit fuck God that was terrible.
Yes, it was indeed worse than MAN OF STEEL, which was bad, but mostly bad in the same bland ways a lot of blockbusters are.
BVS...ho-ho-ho-HOLY shit, BVS found entirely NEW ways to be bad. GENERATIONS will be unpacking the sheer suckitude of this fiasco.
I loved Gadot as Diana (but it's POSSIBLE that's my residual WW love talking, as she was SEVERELY misused in a couple crucial scenes here)
...and I liked Jeremy Irons as Kif-Alfred quite a bit.
Otherwise, this movie was a shit sandwich on ass bread with a side of fuck it and a large granny's peach tea with no ice.
Wow, it's 6:27 in the morning. The sun is starting to rise outside. I really have been up all night dissecting this juicy fart, haven't I?
So yeah, the best parts of this shit were better than MoS, but the worst parts were way way WAAAAAAAAY worse.
In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen...

...Dear GOD I miss Adam West.

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Jar-Jarfalump Profile picture
Sep 7, 2018
Here's the thing: if the Republicans invoke the 25th Amendment against Trump, they might never win an election again. And they know it. And it terrifies them.
Trump won the election with help from white supremacists and other assorted garbage people. That's not his ENTIRE base, mind you - the rest were mostly lifelong Republicans deadset against letting Hillary win - but I do believe the deplorables are what put Trump over the top.
Garbage people who otherwise never would've voted were the difference between Trump succeeding and Romney failing. And Trump can still travel to Bumfuck Nowhere and fill stadiums full of these fucking people.
Read 7 tweets
Jar-Jarfalump Profile picture
Apr 7, 2018
Okay! Sorry for the delay folks, lost track of time. Let's livetweet us some MAN OF STEEL!
ICYMI...
A logo within a logo within a logo...camera continues to zoom out to reveal EARTH WAS A LOGO THIS WHOLE TIME!!! YOU MANIACS!!!
Read 186 tweets
Jar-Jarfalump Profile picture
Sep 17, 2017
FUCK YEAH WONDER WOMAN!!! ALL THE WORLD IS WAITING FOR YOUUUUU...TO SAVE THIS SHITPILE MOVIE!
I've heard that in theaters, audiences CHEERED when Wonder Woman finally showed up, and I believe every word. What a breath of fresh air.
RIGHT?!?
Read 44 tweets

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