Thread by @ellle_em

Hemingway on Twitter:
-never uses hashtags
-doesn't want 280 characters
-makes fake accounts to troll Faulkner
-muted Fitzgerald immediately

Faulkner on Twitter:
-petitions for 280 characters, still doesn't have room
-knows he should block Hemingway but can't
-drunk tweets a lot

Fitzgerald on Twitter:
-posts infinity selfies
-tries to tag Hemingway in everything
-rewords women's tweets & presents them as his own

James Joyce on Twitter:
-the originial shitposter
-NSFW
-lots of weird memes
-likes a lot of photos of ppl's butts

Dorothy Parker on Twitter:
-in her element
-literally the best
-1 million+ followers
-Buzzfeed makes endless listicles of her tweets

Lovecraft on Twitter
-whiny MRA
-hella hella racist
-blocks ppl who call him out
-Probably follows Richard Spenser
-just the worst

Thoreau on Twitter:
-talks a lot about being "outdoorsy" but most selfies are in his backyard
-tweets about camping
-Borderline libertarian

Nabokov on Twitter
-RTs lots of poetry, pictures of butterflies
-Spends most of his time shouting at dudes who misread Lolita
-hella voluble

Whitman on Twitter:
-talks a lot about queer identities
-super major fanboy
-uses a lot of exclamation points
-doesn't get memes

Frank O'Hara on Twitter:
-Tweets literally nonstop all day about everything
-Name drops famous ppl a lot
-Sees memes as an art form

Kerouac on Twitter:
-culturally appropriates all the time, yells at ppl who call him out
-Follows like 2 women
-brags about drinking a lot

Melville on Twitter:
-vaguely homoerotic
-tags everyone in tweets at 2am, gets mad when u don't reply
-Thinks memes are deeper than they are

Hawthorne on Twitter:
-Thinks he's a feminist but really isn't
-Moody af
-Profile pic is him wearing all black
-kind of a downer

Langston Hughes on Twitter:
-alternates btwn soft gay & strident activist
-RTs a lot of queer self-love selfies
-Argues w/strict Communists

cummings on Twitter:
-tweets only in emojis
-seriously. just emojis
-his entire Twitter thread is emojis
-except sometimes also porn

Tennessee Williams on Twitter:
-talks about mental health a lot
-good on queer issues
-melodramatic as hell
-drunk tweets about his exes

WB Yeats on Twitter:
-the original sadboy
-subtweets all the time but refuses to own up
-big #folklorethursday fan
-RTs forever alone memes

WH Auden on Twitter:
-irreverent & erudite
-tweets a nihilistic meme then an antifascist screed
-arrogant gay
-not as funny as he thinks

Bukowski on Twitter:
-types
like this
all the time
-says gross things about women but claims it's "art"
-profile photo is him smoking

TS Eliot on Twitter
-tweets esoteric things to feel superior
-subtweets but deletes it immediately
-TL is equal parts academia & cat memes

Ezra Pound on Twitter:
-what
-wait what
-seriously what
-what no what
-omg what no

Tolkein on Twitter
-Tweets only in various elvish languages
-posts a lot of hand-drawn maps
-corrects strangers' historical inaccuracies

Tolstoy on Twitter:
-all of his threads are 100+ tweets long
-a real jerk to women
-doesn't give anyone but himself credit
-super preachy

Lord Byron on Twitter
-100% gay culture
-tries not to be problematic but kind of is anyway
-EVERYTHING IS THE WORST
-EVERYTHING IS GREAT

Dostoyevsky on Twitter:
-has 3 gofundmes running at once
-RTs a lot of space photos
-is always Very Deep
-slides into ladies' DMs a lot

Frank Herbert on Twitter
-lowkey libertarian
-thinks he's deeper than he is
-shouts about his own feminism
-hides password from his son

Keats on Twitter
-laughs at @GuyInYourMFA but secretly feels personally attacked
-Very Delicate
-RTs lots of flower pics
-has A Lot Going On

Shelley on Twitter:
-SJW
-argues ethics of punching nazis
-lots of vegetarian memes
-advertises a lot of underground readings

William C. Williams on Twitter:
-makes a viral meme but hates it the next day
-calls out academic gatekeeping
-not impressed
-RTs NJ memes

Thomas Hardy on Twitter:
-has a bunch of deep, poetic tweets but goes viral over a meme
-Everything is Sad Always
-Subtweets super obviously

Conrad on Twitter
-tweets a lot about that 1 time he went overseas & found it "life changing"
-Does some good in spite of himself
-Edgelord

Dickens on Twitter
-Mourned when Vine went away
-Wants you to draw his OCs
-says "you just don't get satire" a lot
-WON'T STOP EVER

Joyce Carol Oates on Twitter
-claims an entire state can’t read
-uses the word “negroes” uncritically
-can’t accurately ID censorship

Oh wait

Trollope on Twitter
-procrastinator
-tweets about wanting to do stuff but knows he won't
-invested in being An Author
-kinda boring

Wordsworth on Twitter:
-posts "nature cures depression" memes
-lots of travel photos
-SUPER DRAMATIC
-Subtweets vigorously

Jules Verne on Twitter
-does everything for The Aesthetic
-watches a lot of documentaries & tweets about them
-Not An Expert, But...
-Fanboy

Poe on Twitter
-50% entertaining 50% cringe
-Fake Goth
-real creep
-honestly doesn't even bother to subtweet
-99% Too Much

Dumas on Twitter
-HILARIOUS
-the best story threads
-never stops tweeting ever
-once u get him going HE GOES
-kinda arrogant but ur ok w/it

HG Wells on Twitter
-"monogamy isn't NATURAL for humans"
-Tweets @neiltyson literally NON STOP ALL THE TIME
-mansplainer
-means well but....

SHORT COMMERCIAL BREAK!
I have massive student loan debts so if you're enjoying these pls consider helping out 💙

paypal.me/lindsaybeth

Kipling on Twitter:
-motivational memelord
-thinks he isn't racist; HE IS
-takes selfies w/tigers
-has a UK flag emoji in his display name

Nietzsche on Twitter
-pinned tweet THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU ASSHOLES
-RTs Wagner; blocks him; still DMs his wife
-Blocks all edgelords

Camus on Twitter
-claims he DMs other women b/c he disagrees w/marriage "as an institution"
-tweets a lot about soccer
-Subtweets Sartre

Burroughs on Twitter
-hardcore libertarian; on the GI Bill
-sends followers to attack critics
-tweets are THE WORST but he's a "GENIUS" 😒😒😒

Mailer on Twitter
-RTs Burroughs
-Uses "I have a black friend" excuse to tweet racist BS
-SO EDGY
-Tweets about how he wants to fight ppl

Shakespeare on Twitter:
-SO MANY DICK JOKES
-stirs controversy over who is REALLY tweeting from the verified account
-Makes up words
-👅🍌🍆👋🏼

Bertrand Russell on Twitter
-Yells at Trump ALL THE TIME
-Trolls globalist conspiracy twitter
-tries to get in trouble; friends bail him out

Horace Walpole on Twitter
-passive-aggressive
-begs u not to take him seriously
-makes everything a Big Deal
-oblivious to his many flaws