E K E T I Profile picture
Nov 10, 2017 51 tweets 9 min read Read on X
Why I won't be a #bridesmaid ever again.

A thread 👇

@Alvinattor @anafricandiva @Iamplumpy @ememesi
1. I used to be a professional #bridesmaid.

See that movie, 27 Dresses? That girl's got nothing on me. Mine was more than 27.

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More from @eketiette

Oct 4, 2018
In spite of that perfect home training, your children will occasionally embarrass you.

If you're a parent and this has happened to you, say Aye.

How do I know this? Because I was once that child. I think I was about six years old. Not so sure.

It's a thread, needle....
It was in the early 90s, when the fear of poison and witchcraft was making the rounds. So, taking things from strangers was forbidden.

My mother distilled, instilled and occasionally enforced that lesson in us: 'Thou shalt not collect things from people without our permission.'
In fact, the lesson was so well-learned that one day, my parents were summoned to school.

Apparently, my sister had refused to share her biscuits with a classmate. When asked why, she'd replied,

"She has not asked her Mummy's permission. I don't want to give her witchcraft."
Read 24 tweets
Sep 18, 2018
I've set #fires to my house and person, thrice in my life. Honest to heaven, they were all accidental.

I’m sure that somewhere in the world, I’d have probably been brought up on charges of arson.
This are the stories of Fire 1 and 2.

It's a thread, needle and...
Let me start with the second fire. My love for movies started it.

It was my 2nd year in the university. That day, the sun competed with Hell. I’d just stepped into the building I lived in, away from the blistering heat.

All I could think of was a date with my faithful lover.
Afang and garri.

As soon as I entered my studio apartment, I grabbed a plastic food flask, filled it with water, inserted my boiling ring and turned it on. Next, I checked the container for garri.

There was no garri. What kind of temptation is this, I thought. Fortunately,...
Read 27 tweets
Sep 5, 2018
MEMOIRS OF AN ABUJA #JOBSEEKER.

Today, I had a job interview by 9:00 a.m. at a prestigious engineering firm. By the looks of the sun streaming through my bedroom curtains, it was afternoon already! Why had that stupid alarm not woken me up?
In panic, I flew off the bed and ran to check my phone which lay on my reading table.

7:28 a.m., it read on the screen.
I heaved a sigh of relief; a race to the bathroom and thirty minutes later, I was ready. I whispered a prayer for success and favour and dashed out.
One heavy downpour and inevitable traffic jam later, I walked into the office at 9:17 a.m., late.

Opulent. That's the only way I can describe the office's interior. Even the air smelled rich! The thick, luxurious carpet beckoned to my feet, asking them to strip and wiggle.
Read 26 tweets
Aug 2, 2018
There are those moments in this life when #timestandsstill. I mean, it’s not in slow motion. Just, still.

Your belly does a little somersault and suddenly, you have the inordinate wish for the earth to open to a depth of twenty feet and swallow you.
Your breath hitches and intense panic blossoms in your chest and…you get the picture.

These moments can happen when you’re caught doing something you shouldn’t be doing. Like stealing meat from the pot of stew. Or having an ex post your nudes on the internet.
The intensity of the moment varies, depending on what you did. Like when someone slaps you—the pain is directly proportional to the number of people who witness it.

Like when I missed my period in JSS3 and my best friend Edidiong insisted I was pregnant.
Read 28 tweets
Jul 29, 2018
I once watched a bride stop cold on the steps of a church & say, "This is more than cold feet. I can't marry him."

At the time, I only saw her fear. Today, at last, I understand. I'm amazed by her bravery.

*sigh*

Doing the right thing. It's hard, it hurts, but it must be done.
Now I have to make a thread because of the replies from some men. I wasn't expecting the anger and condemnation.

It's easy to hold your phone and type hard words. Until you find yourself in the situation.

Be honest. We don't always do the right thing at the right time.
Or do what we really need to do. Many of us studied or are still studying courses our parents picked out. Or working jobs we hate do S to please family/society.

Because we couldn't stand the heat th at came with making the hard decisions.
Read 10 tweets
Jul 24, 2018
That day, I did not mean to lock my sister in the freezer. We were playing #hideandseek.

Story....story....story!
Once upon a time....time time.

My people, issa thread.
It was one of those days; the sweltering heat was softened by cool breezes and leaves swayed on the trees, their shivering letting permitting the speckled rays of sun to touch the ground.
The adults were all away; my parents at work and the maid had gone to the market. We were outside, me, my siblings and a cousin. As it is said amongst my people, we were playing the lives of our heads. That means, we were having the time of our lives at play.
Read 32 tweets

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