E K E T I Profile picture
Dec 26, 2017 32 tweets 11 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
Are you one of those people who's looked back on 2017 and convinced yourself that you haven't achieved anything? Worried about catching up with your mates who seem to have done much better?

Let me tell you a story about #time.

A thread 👇
A long #time ago, back when I was about twelve or thirteen years old, my parents travelled to Uyo.

Before leaving, my mother asked me to prepare Edikang ikong soup so she and my father would eat when they returned.
When I was finished with the soup, it was supposed to look something like this:

*photo credit: waiter foodies.
As soon as they were out the door, I commandeered my siblings to prepare all the soup ingredients, cover them up and leave them on the kitchen table.

#Time
In those days, my nickname was Ekpe Mbre. Literal translation - Lioness of Play. If playing was an Olympics sport, I would've won gold for Nigeria, back to back.

Anyway with no adult supervision, my siblings and I did the only wise thing to do.

#Time
We played our hearts out!

Climbed trees. Hunted grasshoppers. Played football. Watched TV. Scattered the house.
Now, there was a certain knowing we possessed. Without seeing it, somehow, we were always able to tell when my father's car was coming down the street.

#Time
And it came to pass, that the hour of parental return drew nigh and we were still at play and the soup was yet uncooked.

Then my sister, I think, ran into the room while I was lying in front of the mirror....
#Time
....in the middle of giving birth to my fake baby, the result of my fake and unusually gigantic bedsheet pregnancy.

"Daddy and Mummy are coming!" she screamed.

#Time
See enh, magic wands have got nothing on a bunch of Nigerian children with soon-to-be-home Nigerian parents, who have scattered the house and are putting it back in order.

The house was set straight in seconds. Nanoseconds even.

#Time
The soup!

My eyes widened in horror as I remembered the single most important thing I'd been asked to do.

At the thought of what my mother would do when she walked in and there was no soup, I felt a little pee leak in my panties.

#Time
I dashed into the kitchen, yelling for my brother. He ran in, quick as lightening and like headless chickens, we gathered the ingredients, put water for garri on one cooker burner and the soup pot on the other.

#Time
By now, I could hear the car engine idling outside in the parking slot.

We always go to the door to welcome my parents when they get home, to this day. Anyone absent from the welcome committee, often gets a query.

#Time
I sent my siblings to go welcome my parents, and inform them that I couldn't come to the door because I was cooking.

From the kitchen, I heard my mother's loud voice. It was liberally

#Time
"Ideghe afere anke bogo anye abok tungho isua, k'enye atutungho idagha m?

Literal translation: "Is that the soup I asked her to cook since, that she's cooking now?"

Life translation: "I'm going to kill her."

#Time
My brothers and sisters, there are special demons that wait around for when a soul is desperate.
One of such demons was on its way to Balogun market, when it heard my mother screaming.

#Time
It sensed that someone may be in trouble. So it made a detour and landed on my left shoulder.

"Is it not just soup?" it said, stroking my head with its scrawny talons.

#Time
"It doesn't matter what time the ingredients go in. Just pour everything inside the pot at once, turn it and voilà!"

As my mother's voice and footsteps neared the kitchen, I was beyond desperate.

#Time
I could actually see the hooded figure of Death, standing near the fridge, giggling.

I took the demon's advice. Quick as a flash, I poured everything - pumpkin leaves, crayfish, fish, meat, waterleaves, periwinkles etc in the pot and stirred.

#Time
My mum stepped into the kitchen a second later.

"Ah, Mummy welcome o," I said, adding salt and pepper to the mixture.

"Sorry about the food. I was actually timing your arrival, so the soup will still be hot when you return.

#Time
Don't worry. By the time you finish undressing, the food will be ready."

All these I said without pausing for a breath, in that fast, glib manner of lying children who have suckled the devil's left breast.

#Time
She gave me a long, suspicious look and walked out of the kitchen.
Fifteen minutes later, food was ready and served.

That soup tasted like exactly what it was: an abomination!

I'm sure the spirits of my great-grandmothers groaned in their tombs.

#Time
All the ingredients stood on their own, all separated by rivulets of water and oil.

What my mother did to me that day, is the stuff of legend and a story for another day.

My point is....
#Time
Every good cook knows that each ingredient has a different cooking time. Thus, they shouldn't be added to the pot all at once.

If that is done, it'll ruin the taste of the food.

#Time
So it is with life.

Our individual success stories are made up of different ingredients based on nature and nurture, time, hard work, talents, God's intervention etc.

#Time
If you're in a hurry to achieve something because your contemporaries have, you may find yourself using the same ingredients, but failing to achieve anything good, because you wanted to have it all at once.
#Time
Give time, time.

It is good to read autobiographies of successful people and long to be like them.
But take your eyes away from the success for a moment and look at the time and effort it took them to arrive where they are.

#Time
Good things take time.

No matter how hard you wish, a pregnancy will only be full term at the end of nine months.

#Time
Don't be like Eketi. 😂

Allow life and time cook you at your own pace, adding maturity, wisdom, self-control, discipline and success at the right moments.

Trust me, at the end, you'll come out delicious.

#Time
Now I'm just going to add pictures of my parents for no reason whatsoever.

Or maybe it's because I'm grateful they didn't kill me that day. 😂
Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed reading this. Like, retweet and follow...in that order.

Merry Christmas, mes amis and a fulfilling new year to you.
And if you're in the mood to read something amusing, click on the link below and buy my book.

okadabooks.com/book/about/chi…

It's a humorous Nigerian parody of the popular Disney classic, Cinderella.

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More from @eketiette

Oct 4, 2018
In spite of that perfect home training, your children will occasionally embarrass you.

If you're a parent and this has happened to you, say Aye.

How do I know this? Because I was once that child. I think I was about six years old. Not so sure.

It's a thread, needle....
It was in the early 90s, when the fear of poison and witchcraft was making the rounds. So, taking things from strangers was forbidden.

My mother distilled, instilled and occasionally enforced that lesson in us: 'Thou shalt not collect things from people without our permission.'
In fact, the lesson was so well-learned that one day, my parents were summoned to school.

Apparently, my sister had refused to share her biscuits with a classmate. When asked why, she'd replied,

"She has not asked her Mummy's permission. I don't want to give her witchcraft."
Read 24 tweets
Sep 18, 2018
I've set #fires to my house and person, thrice in my life. Honest to heaven, they were all accidental.

I’m sure that somewhere in the world, I’d have probably been brought up on charges of arson.
This are the stories of Fire 1 and 2.

It's a thread, needle and...
Let me start with the second fire. My love for movies started it.

It was my 2nd year in the university. That day, the sun competed with Hell. I’d just stepped into the building I lived in, away from the blistering heat.

All I could think of was a date with my faithful lover.
Afang and garri.

As soon as I entered my studio apartment, I grabbed a plastic food flask, filled it with water, inserted my boiling ring and turned it on. Next, I checked the container for garri.

There was no garri. What kind of temptation is this, I thought. Fortunately,...
Read 27 tweets
Sep 5, 2018
MEMOIRS OF AN ABUJA #JOBSEEKER.

Today, I had a job interview by 9:00 a.m. at a prestigious engineering firm. By the looks of the sun streaming through my bedroom curtains, it was afternoon already! Why had that stupid alarm not woken me up?
In panic, I flew off the bed and ran to check my phone which lay on my reading table.

7:28 a.m., it read on the screen.
I heaved a sigh of relief; a race to the bathroom and thirty minutes later, I was ready. I whispered a prayer for success and favour and dashed out.
One heavy downpour and inevitable traffic jam later, I walked into the office at 9:17 a.m., late.

Opulent. That's the only way I can describe the office's interior. Even the air smelled rich! The thick, luxurious carpet beckoned to my feet, asking them to strip and wiggle.
Read 26 tweets
Aug 2, 2018
There are those moments in this life when #timestandsstill. I mean, it’s not in slow motion. Just, still.

Your belly does a little somersault and suddenly, you have the inordinate wish for the earth to open to a depth of twenty feet and swallow you.
Your breath hitches and intense panic blossoms in your chest and…you get the picture.

These moments can happen when you’re caught doing something you shouldn’t be doing. Like stealing meat from the pot of stew. Or having an ex post your nudes on the internet.
The intensity of the moment varies, depending on what you did. Like when someone slaps you—the pain is directly proportional to the number of people who witness it.

Like when I missed my period in JSS3 and my best friend Edidiong insisted I was pregnant.
Read 28 tweets
Jul 29, 2018
I once watched a bride stop cold on the steps of a church & say, "This is more than cold feet. I can't marry him."

At the time, I only saw her fear. Today, at last, I understand. I'm amazed by her bravery.

*sigh*

Doing the right thing. It's hard, it hurts, but it must be done.
Now I have to make a thread because of the replies from some men. I wasn't expecting the anger and condemnation.

It's easy to hold your phone and type hard words. Until you find yourself in the situation.

Be honest. We don't always do the right thing at the right time.
Or do what we really need to do. Many of us studied or are still studying courses our parents picked out. Or working jobs we hate do S to please family/society.

Because we couldn't stand the heat th at came with making the hard decisions.
Read 10 tweets
Jul 24, 2018
That day, I did not mean to lock my sister in the freezer. We were playing #hideandseek.

Story....story....story!
Once upon a time....time time.

My people, issa thread.
It was one of those days; the sweltering heat was softened by cool breezes and leaves swayed on the trees, their shivering letting permitting the speckled rays of sun to touch the ground.
The adults were all away; my parents at work and the maid had gone to the market. We were outside, me, my siblings and a cousin. As it is said amongst my people, we were playing the lives of our heads. That means, we were having the time of our lives at play.
Read 32 tweets

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