Thread by @TurtonsOther

The #NHScrisis as it unfolds on twitter:

Doctors and nurses go against the masters and take a sneaky shot of a corridor. Comms team go nuts because you can see a quarter of someone’s face and you can’t tell if it’s a patient or Julie from corporate.

Meanwhile the ambulance service are snowed under whilst finding time to tweet a story in just enough detail as to make sure that if a 94 year old was on twitter, they’d know it was them they’re talking about.

Cue hundreds of tweets to ambulance service HQ, who are still trying to temper the storm outside by saying “please don’t call an ambulance if you’ve chipped a nail”

Cue person who is treasurer of the Hoogen-Doogan-Spagoogan syndrome society, who angrily tweets “I HACE HOOGEN DOOGAN SPAGOOGAN SYNDROME, A CHIPPED NAIL WILL KILL ME”

Ambulance service then point out that they weren’t specifically referring to them. Meanwhile ambulance control stop answering 999 calls to take on the deluge of tweets.

Meanwhile back in ED, an ED reg is tweeting how busy it is. Med Reg (or more likely crit Care reg) makes joking remark that if ED stopped referring things we wouldn’t be in this mess.

ED reg doesn’t see the joke and copies in the RCEM to show their disdain. Fight escalates. At some point a debate about single CCT ICM will break out.

American Emergency-ologist steps in to remind us that, even in winter, the airway is really important. Cue FOAMed sceptics to step in an sort it.

Anaesthetists and ED continue to fight. Med consultant steps in to remind us we’ve all got to work together. Unless you’re a GP.

GP with unquestionable power steps in to say “if only there were more generalists around, this whole mess could be sorted”. Later apologises.

Sub-spec common bile duct surgeon reminds us all that without him, everyone would still have a common bile duct. No one replies.

Meanwhile a non-acute speciality Doctor is racking their brain trying to link recent current affairs (North Korea, Trump, you get the idea) to the NHS crisis, for 300 words in the Guardian. A flurry of DMs ensues but no one points out the flawed argument

At some point we all blame the health secretary, quite rightly.

We then ruin it for ourselves by calling him Jeremy C@&t., and demand he dies or urosepsis, thus weakening our argument.

A corporate comms person with no name thanks us all for their hard work.

We all ignore it. Someone from Momentum tells them to shove it.

Ultra far Right wing paper finds one doctor who says “it’s not all bad”

We all lose our shit, demand their execution, and a man who does veins in the private sector retweets it.

Meanwhile, the guy from Two Pints has booked studio 2 at Television Centre to debate Hunt.

Thousands of junior doctors demand that they too get to sit on the stage. Same 3 get picked.

Hunt doesn’t show.

Finally it’s June. The whole thing settles down a bit, a cabinet reshuffle ensues and everyone thinks hunt will be sacked and then act all surprised when he’s made permanent Health sec forever.

It’s November. Let’s do it all again.

It’s December. A physician associate asks “what am I even doing here?” and a medical SHO with two weeks tries to put them in their place.

It’s January. A failed stand up comedian who was once described as “moderately amusing” uses his parody character act to tweet something in an attempt to lighten the mood. Fails and ends up deleting it all in 3 hours time.

Failed comedian tries to remind us that we’ve been having the same circular arguments for years and it hasn’t really got us anywhere.

Other people remind failed comedian that he is indeed a failed comedian, who’s just jealous that his hashtag campaign for 4 years earlier didn’t get enough momentum for him to a get a spot on I’m a Celebrity. Failed comedian rolls a solitary tear down his face.

The NHA nearly win a town council by-election off be back of the crisis, funded by the 43 #iminworkjeremy mugs they made without my permission.

At some point a man who’s “proud of his country and comncerned its going to the dogs” in his bio will blame “them immigrants” for the crisis. Blocks us when pointed out “those” immigrants is the correct English, and that he should know better.

6 hours later, a biomedical scientist will claim we’ve forgotten what they think of the crisis. We did, hence why it’s so far down the thread. Soz.

From nowhere a healthcare commentator will fly in by helicopter to declare it’s all #FAB and wouldn’t it be easier if we just ran the NHS like Pizza Express.

At some point a poorly made comparison between the queue in the A&E and the airline industry will be made, but only one plucky SHO will have the balls to point out it doesn’t work.

@threadreaderapp : Unroll thread please