This is a story about a man, his email, the USPS, and your friendly public library.

#librarylife

A caveat: this story is as it was told to me by my former coworker, who is really the sweetest, loveliest person. I literally cannot imagine frustrating her; this patron did it.

So.

Once upon a time, there was an elderly gentleman who, at least once a week, asked staff for assistance with his email.

This is all fine and good, but it made staff uncomfortable because he needed help typing out "sexy" letters to older women.

Like IDK how old people talk dirty and I don't want to know. But I get the frustration. And it's really not our business.

But he constantly needed assistance. Most of the time, he forgot his email password.

NOTE: public library staff do NOT automatically know your email password. I cannot tell you how many people have gotten angry with me b/c *I* do not know *their* password.

But I digress.

On the day my librarian friend--we'll call her Victoria--received the extreme honor of helping our randy geriatric, he had managed to lock himself out of Yahoo mail* enough that he couldn't make any more email addresses

*PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL YOU HOLD DEAR
S T O P

USING YAHOO OR AOL FOR YOUR EMAIL

/end of interjectional rant

Victoria: So, how many email addresses do you have?
Patron: Well, I make a new one every day. I can't ever remember my password.

V: O-kay. So ... let's refresh and try again.
{{patron succeeds in making yet ANOTHER email account}}

Okay, so make a new password.

P: what should I put?

V: !! Something you won't forget???!!

They are now in the patron's 3,478th email account.

P: What do I do now?

V: Well, you click 'compose'

P: Why?

V: You want to send an email, right?

P: Yes.

V: So click 'compose'

*patron clicks compose*
P: Now what?
V: You put the person's email address in that you want to send it to.
P: Oh, he doesn't have an email address.

V: Uh, do you mean you forgot it?
P: No, I mean he doesn't have an email address.
V: So, a person has to have an email address for you to send them an email.
P: No, they don't.

V: So ... what have you been doing, then. How have you been sending messages to people with no email address?
P: (as if this is obvious) I ... print ... them ... out

V: ... and then?
P: I mail them.
V: Wait. You mean you put them in an envelope and stamp them and drop them in a mailbox 'mail them'???
P: Oh yes.
V: WHY?!?!!

P: Everyone tells me email is faster

(narrative interjection) I SWEAR THIS IS THE PURE AND UNVARNISHED TRUTH

V: Waitaminute. Wait. So you type an email ... and you print it ... and you mail it ... and the Post Office sends it *faster* because you typed it in an email?
P: (again, as if speaking to an idiot) Yes.

V: Let me show you Microsoft Word.

I am still, after two years of hearing this story, trying to parse how this gentleman thought that the USPS *knew* that he was using *email* to type his letters.

HOW WOULD THEY KNOW THAT? IS THAT LIKE HOW WE AUTOMATICALLY KNOW PASSWORDS?

Is it some sort of special ability granted to all government employees, local/state/federal, when they are hired?

Please. Do not tell people this as a joke. They will believe you, and then they will come to the library, and the librarians will spontaneously combust because all day long they've been asked for obscure tax forms and THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW