Thread by @TurtonsOther

Like a monopoly board with no good spaces for anything good to come through, it’s #NHSthisweek!

This week, a special how-to guide.

Say you’ve had a great idea, perhaps you think we should make Medical professionals with several degrees and a wealth of experience conduct ward rounds in baseball hats to stop interruptions, neatly ignoring the tenacity of most ICU nurses?

Or perhaps you think the way to promote the genuinely good idea of getting elderly patient out of bed and dressed is to fill your kardex with ideas for prescribed exercises, so that there’s no space for actual drugs?

Or say you’ve decided we all need to write our names on theatre hats like some sort of contestant in a nightmareish edition of supermarket sweep, whilst making the bold if, unsubstantiated claim that it will save millions?

Or perhaps you’ve turned recent events into a picture of a monopoly board, where instead of properties, all the spaces are bad things happening in your career, even though technically they should be on Chance/Community Chest cards rather than spaces...

and even though the Free Parking Sign is on the same edge as the Go symbol even when we all know they are diagnally opposite.

Medicine is nothing like monopoly, because unlike a game of monopoly, your career does end at some point.

And also, wouldn’t The Game of Life be a better metaphor? Or even Dream Phone - a random game where a phone never stops ringing to ask you pointless questions is a far greater representation of our lives than monopoly.

Anyway....how do you get all these “great” ideas to become amazing ideas and even National Policy??

1) take a photo of it.
Pictures or it didn’t happen as the old adage goes. You can’t promote your baseball cap ward round until you’ve taken a picture where at least 1 third of the people in it look mildly uncomfortable at the idea

2) put it on twitter. But then get someone with many more followers to retweet it. Ask them to really over-exaggerate how great the idea is, using a pretentious phrase like “pure unfiltered genius” to really drive it home.

3) if you can get someone who’s “passionate about simulation/patient safety/health/Bake Off” to throw some weight behind it, all the better.

4) sit back as 30 people say “this is brilliant!” And @ their chief nurse/clinical director/Mum and say “why aren’t we filling drug charts with “take pyjamas off, BD””

5) at some point someone will say “this is a terrible idea, what are you thinking”. Remember, they aren’t pure unfiltered geniuses, and eventually they’ll understand because Julie from corporate will force them to understand.

6) if they persist in asking for evidence of effectiveness, just tell them vague unhelpful phrases like “you’re not embracing the future” “you’re the problem, not me” “don’t you care about patients?” “Stop swimming against the tide”

Eventually this Orwellian technique of making them look like they’re the ones being unreasonable in asking for their “evidence” will silence everybody until we’re all playing monopoly in a baseball hat with a named theatre cap draped over it.

7) copy in Jeremy Hunt to your great idea. You hate him, so be sure to delete that tweet you sent him a year ago where you cleverly rhymes his surname with the C word. Then you can get into bed with him whilst wearing whatever hat you deem suitable

8) remember, in the face of any negativity, you are right. You don’t know if your great idea will save millions of lives, but you’ve said it so often now that it’s just got to be true. An essay via DM to any doubters won’t poor oil in the situation.

9) get other people to take photos of them doing the same pointless action. The Bolam Principle hasn’t applied for over 20 years, but a collection of other young impressionable people with STEVE On a theatre add can only add weight to your actions.

10) sit back and admire all the fuss you’ve caused over literally nothing, as in 6 months time we all come to work in Cybermen helmets to raise awareness of avoiding Flu B.

And that’s the #NHSthisweek!

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