Thread by @AprilSpectrum

I want to talk a little bit about being #ActuallyAutistic #autistic in the wake of #MassShootings

This is going to be a long thread.

I will also be willing it slowly because some of the side effects of the thing I take to not kill myself are

- difficulty concentrating
- trouble organising thoughts
- forgetfulness

There have been more school shooting in my lifetime than years.

In 2017 there were so many mass shootings that I lost count.

I cannot remember a time when our schools did not teach us to prepare for a shooter attacking us.

And, I am aware that I am centering myself here, but this needs said.

The lawyers, and family, always always always try to say that the shooter is autistic.

So, while the nation is reeling after a major tragedy, while families are grieving, and emotions are high,

every single time a target gets painted on my back, and the backs of people like me.

Each time this happens, it gets worse, because people remember vaguely "oh hey, wasn't that guy who shot up that church autistic too?"

Dylan Roof. No, he wasn't. But yes, that was a claim that got made.

I remember someone, in not sure which one, in the group that attached Columbine was accused of being autistic.

I want even diagnosed then, but I remember it.

I remember thinking "why do they let them go to school with normal kids?"

I was in grade school when Columbine happened.

And the lesson I learned was that autistics were monsters that shouldn't be around humans.

The first time I told someone about my diagnosis, they asked if I was dangerous.

The first time a teacher suggested I might be "gifted" maybe even "a savant" I was pulled out of school bc my parents feared a dx.

And with almost two hundred mass shootings during this presidency alone (not being political, giving a time frame)

Each one being blamed on autism, loudly, all over the media

Each one unrelated

No redactions or corrections ever being published

My life is at risk.

It also makes it hard for us in other ways.

Besides the risk of a misguided revenge murder, this makes it harder for us to

- hold jobs
- access medical care
- find therapists
- attend school

Etc

Branding mass murderers as "autistic" to get them off a murder rap brands actually autistic people as murderers.

Not to sound Christian, but when Cain got kicked out of Eden, he was marked, and he said "when they see they will kill me"

I worry that strangers will look me for being autistic

And that is a reasonable fear.

Last year a child in a car seat was shot by cops at a routine traffic stop as soon as the dad disclosed the child was autistic.

A child small enough for a car seat, strapped in, is not a fucking threat

But the cop heard "autism" and opened fire.

We are more likely to be killed by cops, by doctors, by caregivers, by family than almost any demographic.

Not accidentally killed. Intentionally murdered.

And they are almost guaranteed to be seen as the victim.

People who kill us are treated like victims of our existence, as heroes for overcoming our existence.

They rarely face consequences.

They murder us. They torture us. They exploit us.

And then they frame us for their crimes.

I have spent this week, while my Twitter was suspended, being bombarded on Facebook by anti-autism messages, including from family.

My aunt posted that people like me should be locked up.

My sister's friend suggested we be sterilized.

Virtually every person on my Facebook friends list said "if" good laws were amended it should be to prevent autistics getting guns.

I spent two solid days being yelled at by a man I've never met because I pointed out that autism wasn't the cause.

Two. Days.

My phone beeping constantly, including when I was telling to sleep, as he raged at me.

I had someone I was once friends with argue that his right to a gun was more important than a child's right to be safe,

And in the same breath say that "crazy" people were the problem.

After the Dylan Roof thing, I received death threats.

After Sandy Hook my then-boss "suggested" I stay home for a while until things blew over.

Because I'm autistic.

That shit takes an emotional toll.

I'm... Not in a good place emotionally already. Post partum depression is a hell of a thing.

I had to up my medications, and I've been referred to a psychiatrist.

And now, my people are being blamed for an atrocity.

If I go to the store, will people be talking about how I should be locked up?

If I call the police will they shoot my on sight?

Anxiety+RationalFear+Depression=Paranoia

I'm struggling with all of this and I'm overwhelmed.

And no, that doesn't mean I'll shoot up a school.

It means I've eaten nothing but macaroni and Lexapro for a week, and don't want to leave my bed.

/End Thread