سُلِيمَان Profile picture
Mar 16, 2018 50 tweets 18 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
So I was in church yesterday and the pastor was talking about the resurrection of Jesus (Easter is coming ☺)

The message was enlightening but my naughty mind was just thinking what if Jesus was born, bred and died in Modern #Nigeria

It was a hot afternoon, Jesus and them boys (the disciples)just finish causing traffic on third mainland bridge. Everywhere was blocked from the bridge to VGC. People were just offing shirt and putting palm frond on the ground shouting "Hosanna"
Me I was just in traffic thinking "which time person won come reach house today with all this traffic, o my God"
And all this because of one Jesus.
On the other hand seeing a the litters and palm fronds. I'm thinking lawma (#Visionscape) people will sweep die tomorrow.
This guy (Jesus) should be arrested for littering, disrupting the peace, and causing traffic inside this hot weather.
After trekking forward to see what is what happening.
I get back to my car and I meet this agbero cleaning the wind shield singing
"Halleluyah Hosanna, Halleluyah Hosanna"
I decided to mercy the guy and ask him.
Me:but wetin dey cause all this traffic nah
Agbero: Nah Jisos o, that man nah sure banker. We dey celiberate am.
Me: where them come dey now.
Agbero: Eko bridge side

Me: I will prepare something for this Jesus
Causing traffic upandan
30 minutes later, inside stand still traffic, I see the crowd coming. A man in white seating on the roof of a car obviously the man was not hot.
see people squeezing and pressing themselves like sardine in this hot weather just because of one man.

What is wrong with this people
Some people were even shouting
"Down Sai Baba, Up Jesus"

I just sat down jare, I can't come and kill myself to prove a point🤷🏾‍♂

I will just be looking till they pass by.
But why did they like Him.
I heard they even wanted him for president
It must be those His food miracles. Nigerians will do anything for the belly
I heard the man fed the whole stadium from 5 agege bread and 2 shawa 🤔, and there was even leftover.
Some people even said he started his career by making a drum of everflowing beer 🍻 at one Owambe like that.

What a wonderful Son of God.
I was still thinking this thoughts when I saw the traffic had started moving.

Bia driver move this thing and take me out of here!

We are going home
But that was the last time. I saw Jesus
If only I had known 😔

This country Ehn Nawa. Innocent people just die in cold blood.

I will gist you what happened just brace yourself. This one pass #nollywood
So as I heard Jesus and the boys (His disciples) were lodge at orientals. One politician among his followers must have footed the bills.
They had a large dinner. His followers all over IG were just coming to visit and give him expensive things. And he was just collecting!
One popular slay mama (can't remember her handle now) did the most.
She got him a perfume box worth millions of naira, she didn't stop there. She now used her braz weave to wipe his feet.

I think it was there the whole wahala started cause one of his boys Judas started to vex
It was this same Judas that betrayed him, He was their ministry treasurer.
This Judas who God will still help me to punish was the son of Iscariot.
By the way what kind of useless surname is that "Iscariot". Sounds like a betrayer
Anyway the story goes that after the lit dinner, Jesus took slice bread (I don understand this man's obsession with 🍞 ) and palmwine.
And said the disciples should always use it as #throwback for jim. That the wine was his blood and the 🍞 was his body .
Everybody ate except Oga Judas, I suspect he knew that if he ate the bread he was chopping confirm swear.
All of a sudden Jesus said the person who will betray me is in this room and He did not eat bread.
See as Judas just quickly excuse himself
The were still suspecting when Jesus dropped another one. This time he faced the assistant G.O Peter.
Jesus: You will deny me before the 6.00am news tomorrow morning.

Now all eyes are on Peter like
Peter: Oga Jesus, Me?
Me that was there when we were at the bottom. Me and you trekked every corner of the mainland preaching the gospel.
Jesus Biko, pick someone else, it can't be me.
Jesus: Issokay
Who still has strength I want to sharply trek reach VGC. I need to pray all night ??

Peter, James and John:
Fast forward a few hours later
Jesus comes to wake the trio
"Peter, James, John.
Why are you people like this nah.
You people cant even pray one hour
But you can swallow eba like no tomorrow. Will you stand up and pray my friend.

Meanwhile far away Judas Iscarrot, sorry Iscariot was already sealing a deal with some nasty people.
" Give us Jesus and we will give you 1.5million and 100 SARS as your escort"

The other disciples were shocked when they say whatsapp status update

Peter: Chilling with Jesus, Moses and Elijah. No be small anointing dey flow for here.
Other Disciples:
But on the prayer ground things were getting hot. Judas had just arrived with the 100 man squad.

Imagine 100 SARs to arrest one man.

Jesus: Officers no need to fight, let's settle this amicably. OK OK don't push me I will walk.
Jesus had not finish speaking when Peter sharply rearrange one guys ear.
Jesus was like "calm down bro, E no reach this level"
We just wanna talk things out..
As the disciples heard that Jesus had been arrested by Federal SARS .
At the station, interrogations begin.
Officer: Who are you?
Officer: What is your mission?
Officer: We heard you say you will destroy Aso rock and build it back in three days, are you with Boko
Jesus: 🤐
Officer: oh you are forming James Bond Abi, bring the Holy cane!
By early morning the news was everywhere that Jesus had been arrested and his disciples had disappeared.

Me: Nigeria Don beta.
By noon the whole island had scattered. Everyone was demanding for Jesus release. They wanted jungle justice.

The governor of Lagos, Pontius Ambode called a meeting of the Tribal leaders to TBS.
Something had to be done if not a riot will begin.
At noon, everywhere was blocked, everyone was heading to TBS.

See traffic! What is it with this Jesus and Traffic.
When I thought about it, I decided to go to TBS and at least hear what was going on. Getting to TBS, see people squeezing each other. Shouting on the top of their voices "Crucify Him".

I was like its not up to that nah. Was it not this person you were all happy with yesterday
I manage to squeeze to the front of the crowd and my eyes fell on the accused man, Jesus.
Men SARS is not nice. They had rearrange the man's body.

The whole place was rowdy and people were angry, Pontius Ambode had to do something fast.
That's when I spotted Peter.
Peter was just standing there like someone inside eyes water..

He had denied Jesus...
I screamed Peter are you not the assistant G.O to this man..
Why don't you do something
if you see the eye He gave me ehn...
At this point in Pontius Ambode's wise mind. He now decided to bring Evans into the picture ,(can you imagine).
And he asked the crowd to chose
Evans or Jesus
I'm already shouting Jesus, omo see as people started to slap me. Everyone was shouting Evans.
"Free Evans, kill Jesus"
Pontius Ambode: I can't do this, this Jesus man is innocent. You people should carry him to PMB.. What he says is final
So they flew him to Abuja to see the wonderful PMB .
When the broadcast came up and we heard
"My Pellow Nigerians ...." we knew it was finished

Jesus was coming back to be killed
But in another related story guilt had almost finished Judas Iscariot, so he just went home and shopped online.
As soon as they landed in Lagos. Soldiers took over, they even had a wooden cross waiting for him.

Men they brutalised the guy no be here.

All the we no gree people had to shush.. The men in green were not smiling
to cut the story short they made him carry the cross all the way to Isale Eko. Very dangerous a place.
Almost getting there he fell, a young named Simon whom God will bless decided to help him with the cross
Actually we were thinking it's like this guy wants to be unfortunate
they nailed Jesus hung him and hung him up to die.
It was a painful something.
The guy was innocent
All of a sudden Jesus shouted something that sounded strange.

Everywhere became quiet. He had died. They had murdered an innocent guy in cold blood
The next thing that happened shocked us to the bone
In Lagos........!
people in Lekki will die today
Issa flooding something
But wait are you thinking what I am thinking. Does this mean this man was actually the son of God. And we just killed him in cold blood
All of a sudden late noon became as dark as midnight ....come and see people begging God.
The world is coming to an end.
Federal SARS
The elders
Me: Aye yin ti baje
I hope you do enjoy the thread.
@temmyhlee @Marrgarritah @Geraldcake @badgalmaddie_ @sleeky4
Biko help me retweet

Let's get #IfJesusWasBornInLagos out there

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