Thread by @MarigaThoithi

We need to start talking about #RapeCulture as Kenyan men but I don't even know where to start. When you're worried about your sister staying out at a party late or going to a guy's place alone, you've already shown you understand it without saying it.

#MasculinityKE

Back in uni, more girls than I can imagine were raped. Some didn't call it rape but it was rape. The local drinking joint, "fracas" was where people would go get girls drunk and then take them back to their place when they were too drunk to walk

Rape was such a huge problem that if Watchmen caught you walking with a girl who looked too drunk at night, they would automatically assume you were going to rape her and they would take you to their "cell" or beat you up on the road.

Most girls leaving the local drinking joints were drunk and many times escorted by men they had just met.

They reported the rape to the school security but unless someone actually saw it happen, that was a dead case.

In my 4 years of uni only one guy was expelled for rape. The rest just went on but ladies would just be warned about them.

Rape didn't miraculously start in uni though- high school in a mixed school was aware haven for sexual harassment. When the lights would go off, girls would run to their hostels, if it was night time and the electricity didn't come back quickly

If they didn't run to the dormitories, they would stay put in class because boys would "harvest" them- meaning groping. Everyone knew it would happen. You would escort your girlfriend to her room to avoid her getting groped.

One of the hardest things to admit is that we, I included, have sexually harassed women in the past. We might claim ignorance and the fact that it was everyone was doing it but it remains just that, sexual harassment and in some cases assault.

We as men fail to see the relationship between sexual harassment and rape and since we haven't raped anyone, we feel that we are different from the "other men" and we feel that the sexual harassment we are guilty of is something we should forget/forgive

We as men are extremely wary of calling out men for sexual assault/harassment because we are culpable of it at some point in our lives and we don't want to start having our names dragged through the dirt.

Most of us really started to understand consent in our mid 20's and to start to think about our past actions in a different light. A lot of online discussions have changed our minds on it but we are afraid of the consequences of speaking honestly about your past.

No one would like their name dragged through the mud even if they are guilty.

There are lots of men who want to speak up but guilt it holding them back.

There are lots of our own friends who we think are capable of rape and so we keep our loved ones away from them. We may not have seen them rape anybody but we know we have seen them sexually harass other women

You don't know how to call out a fellow man for doing something that you used to do just a few years back and they knew it and watched you, too. You feel like a hypocrite and you know they will remind you of your past.

We have all seen how online lynching goes so you stay out of it though you are changed and remorseful. Our pride prevents us from admitting what we did to the people we did it to and from asking for forgiveness.

The women in our lives are more graceful than we would ever have been- they've forgiven us for things we would have reacted violently to. They have excused some of the things we have done because we were just being men.

Conversations on rape and sexual harassment are taken personally because we are defensive of our past actions.

We don't talk about hearing "the other side" of the theft allegations from the thief or the pastor who conned a church or the drunk driver who hit someone but we are suddenly alert when it comes to rape.

Let's talk about all the sexual harassment that we have let slide, as men.

How do we create a space for men to open up about the sexual harassment they have perpetuated ? How would that work?

This might receive a lot of criticism as an idea but why not?

We need to start being useful allies in the fight for gender equality and a part of it means fessing up to our part in the problem. I think what we are not ready for, as men, is to take responsibility and face the consequences for our actions.

I know of numerous ladies in my life who have been raped. They have ALL been raped by PEOPLE THEY KNOW. ALL OF THEM. It wasn't strangers from a bush. It was your father, uncle, brother, cousin and best friend who raped them.

We have been taught as men to be concerned only about the safety, security and wellbeing of women who are related to us or connected to us in some way. That's why rape allegations online don't faze you because she's some random woman, who "should have known better"

Why don't women report rape immediately? The answer is in the blame. Someone I know actually asked why Kemunto did not leave before she was raped. How do you even start to answer that question.

We can barely have real discussions about sex, as men. How do we start having discussions about rape?

Saying "I tapped that " or "she gives good head" is not an in-depth discussion on sex.

Why don't women report rape to the police?

Are you mad?

Do you know Kenyan police or do you just read about them in the paper?

If she goes to his place at night, she "knew what she was doing" or she "was asking for it"
If she doesn't go to guys places "she is stuck up"
If she talks about being raped "she is exposing her personal issues or "trying to malign his name"

When she finally tells us about being raped "why did she take so long?"
If she tells us about the rape right afterwards "why didn't she scream?"

If she screamed but he still raped her "why didn't she fight back"

If she fought back, "why didn't she fight harder or bite him?"

There's no winning for a woman who has been raped.

Dear men,

Where do we go from here now that we can all, at least personally admit, that we are part of the sexual harassment, assault and rape problem?

Everyone has the way they feel would work in dealing with sexual harassment. I am suggesting another way of dealing with it. I am not substituting calling out people but my belief is that it is not the only way to deal with addressing rape culture.

This thread is imperfect and biased by my world view so I hope that in the least it inspires conversations.

Do you hold your fellow men accountable? Why don't you do it? What would increase your chances of doing it?

Are you ready to take responsibility for your sexual harassment? Are you afraid of taking responsibility for your sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment is willful. It's a decision and it's never a mistake. We , as men, need to acknowledge our willful actions.

You didn't accidentally spank her. You didn't accidentally make inappropriate comments. You didn't accidentally kiss her.

So you acknowledge that you have sexually harassed women in the past...

Then what? Where do you go from there?

If we as men are called out, we deserve it. We can't determine how women react to our sexual harassment.
I'm giving a way that I think would work and has worked for me and my friends- private conversations but that's just my opinion and no one owes you this.

This is not trying to excuse silence. It's explaining it from my perspective and from people's perspectives I know and challenging us to speak up about it and address it.

Gentlemen,

Read through this. If you feel a little bothered reading this then you have been guilty of something similar. I feel tingly 😞😞😞😞

We need to do better as men.

We need to stop sexually harassing women instead of asking women why they were sexually harassed.

The responses I hear to rape stories are horrifying to say the least!

Being a woman in this world is a full- time Olympic sport with no training. Jumping over sexual harassment here, running away from rapists there, swimming away from apologists on the other side. #MasculinityKE