Thread by @iskolarspeaks

Every Mothers' Day, my ex-girlfriend would always prank text me that she's pregnant and that I should greet her.

Last year, the usual. She texted me the same thing. Only this time, she's actually pregnant. Not with me. But with the guy she cheated on me with for about two years.

She made me happy so it's only fair I talk about her the way I would have years ago. :) Let's call her "K". K was/is beautiful. Not the kind that drew way too much attention when she walks into every room. It was the kind of beauty that revealed itself when you're alone with her.

I guess, I was one of the (un)fortunate ones who caught sight of the universe inside her eyes. I think I've told her everyday how it was my favorite part of her. Her warm brown eyes have always spelled out her thoughts, even before she gathered the courage to say the right words.

Anyway enough about that.

K and I dated since we were in high school. Childhood neighbors turned lovers. She was perfect. Everything was. Our families have grown to love both of us. We had big dreams together. We brought out the best in each another. It felt too good to be true.

It was.

We went to the same university. UP. That's one big dream off our list. It was surreal. We did everything together. Tried out every kiosk in existence, though we might have missed a few. We biked around the oval on weekends during the afternoon. I couldn't ask for more.

I'd walk her to class, fetch her at the end of the day. Her block mates became my friends, the same way mine became hers. People would always call us #RelationshipGoals and how we should invite them to our wedding someday. The thought always made me smile. I mean how couldn't it?

We were one of those kids who rushed to climb up the ladder. We got busy til seeing each other everyday became thrice a week. TTH. Weekends. Whenever. But I knew how her college and the people around her made her happy. She loved what she was doing, and I was beyond proud of her.

I never wanted to be that guy who would stop his girlfriend from doing things she likes and spending time with people she cared about just because I missed spending time with her. Guess I became too much of that guy to the point that it looked like I didn't care? I don't know.

Communication was important to us as a couple. We had a rule where we tell each other everything no matter how stupid it may seem.

I thought what was happening was normal. I've asked her countless of times and, she said she was just busy. I didn't want to pry. I trusted her.

(About the date, she meant the saturday next week l not the closest one because we weren't going home that weekend. I won't be all sad if she meant the next day. I'm clingy and mopy but not to that extent hahaha.)

Each day that passed by just had me rethinking my actions. What I did and didn't do. She was slipping away from me and it felt irreversible. I was terrified. How couldn't I be if I was losing someone who has been with me for so long that losing them meant losing part of me too?

It only got worse. We fought over the simplest things. I would cry, call her, she would hang up, tell me she was busy as always. Sometimes she would question the love and trust I had for her. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe it was on me for not trusting her enough. We were a mess.

Over the break, we talked things through. Everything fell into place again. Things went back to the way before. I was happy because I thought we surpassed probably one of the most difficult times we've been through in our relationship. Little did I know that was just the start.

She started missing dates, cancelling last minute because of "work". It would take her a day or two to reply to my messages. I still did my best to reach out to her in all ways possible. I want to fill the missing void in our relationship. I didn't care even if it was just me.

UP Fair rolled in. I thought I just had to remind her about us. It was part of our bucket list so I planned it out to be special. But she cancelled last minute and told me she had to go home to her family. I offered to take her. She refused. I insisted. She was firm on saying no.

I called her mom to check if K got home safely. Tita told me she wasn't going home until the week after. My heart sank. I was all sorts of confused. I didn't know what to think anymore. If I should even think of it at all.

Anyway, I was a huge OPM fan so I still went to UP Fair.

I've been lying down for the past minutes I haven't been tweeting. Sorry. It's hitting me all at once. I didn't think something that happened in the past can still hurt so much. I guess we never really completely move on from something. The pain lessens but it stays with you.

Silent Sanctuary was gonna be there. I found myself at the back of the crowd during their set. They played Kundiman. It was one of our favorites. The entire time I only prayed she were there with me. I guess prayers do come true if you pray hard enough because there she was.

I wish I hadn't known her like the back of my hand. I wanted to deny it. But I knew every single curve of her. Near or far. Under daylight or dim blue lights. It was her. The girl I loved for the longest time, on some occasions even more than I loved myself. I felt nothing.

I didn't go there to confront them and beat the shit out of the guy. I watched. Despite the distance between us, I could see her glow. Her happiness was radiating. It was bitter-sweet for me. The only thing in my head was, if I did love her I wouldn't ruin this moment for her.

When I got back to my dorm, I texted her if she was already home. She said she was heading to bed. I never thought it was possible for emotional pain to be felt physically. It was so painful that tears barely came out. When she texted me "I love you." that's when it all hit me.

Over the weekend she told me she wanted to talk. I prepared myself for the worst. I knew it was going to be "the talk". I was already running all the excuses possible of why she would break up with me.

Focus on studies
Too busy
Family probs
Unhappy
Clingy
Paranoid
No trust

When we talked, she was saying a lot of things and all I can think of was "just fucking end it already dump me cut the chase fucking dump me" but then she told me she was sorry. For being too busy. For lashing out on me. For focusing on what I didn't do instead of what I did.

I should have said something about what I saw, but I was too focused on keeping her than arguing. I made excuses for her and thought that maybe she just needed someone at that time, who wasn't me. I fed myself what I wanted to believe in. I apologized to her too. We started over.

Yup call me names, I deserve it. No sane person would have stayed after that despite any explanations. I guess I loved her too much for my own good. I chose to turned a blind eye on all the red flags even if they were right in front of me, poking me in the eye even. God.

Turns out they never stopped. The guy K was dating was her blockmate. One time her best friend talked to me and told me everything she knew because she said she couldn't stand it anymore and she couldn't find anything wrong I was doing. I appreciated that. I told her that I knew.

Still, I stayed. This went on for almost 2 years. I convinced myself that loving meant sacrificing and hurting this much. What kept me going was maybe if I show her that I'm still the same guy she fell in love with, maybe she'll realize it, leave him and choose to stay with me.

But even the most stupid, stubborn, loving people get tired too. I don't know why it took long before I realized that if even just a small part of her still loved me, she would've chosen me long before. If she did love me, there wouldn't even be others. It would've only been me.

I stopped reaching out. I stopped replying to her texts. I felt cruel but I had nothing left in me. I was worn out. I realize I have given up everything including myself just to win back someone who was long gone. Unreachable. My intuitions were right. It was irreversible.

I didn't want to end things. I'm not sure if it was because I couldn't live with the thought of her thinking she wasn't enough that's why I left? Was it because I didn't want to make it easy for her, fit her narrative so she can paint me as the bad guy? Was it because I couldn't?

She said she couldn't stand it anymore. I set for us to talk at the CS amphi area. Probably our favorite spot in UP. It's always been comforting for us. We had shouting sessions there when we'd fight. I'd park my car, we'd watch movies and make out hahahahaha too much info sorry.

Bottom line, the place was special for us, it had memories both good and bad. When she got there, I'm glad she didn't make it hard for us. After she said her part, I finally told her I've always known. Since 2015. I told her how much she hurt me. I didn't cry. Surprisingly.

Maybe the pain I've been through made me numb enough for that moment. She didn't cry. I was unsure if I was supposed to be relieved or hurt that she didn't. She apologized and asked me why I hadn't left sooner. I told her I loved her. She said I just couldn't be that guy for her.

We said our thank you's. I gave her back the notebook with all our lists. I didn't need anything to remind me of my mistakes. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter haha. In fact, she's still my favorite mistake. One I'd gladly commit over and over. Only I'd do things differently.

That same day, I drove home and I told my mom everything. I hated seeing her cry, more than anyone and anything. Even more so when it's because of me. For the first time in almost two decades I felt how it is like to be cradled like a child again haha. It was comforting.

I broke off all contact and connection with K. As much I wanted to keep her in my life even as friends, I knew I needed time to heal and focus on my self. I knew she needed space too. Months passed. Last year, she greeted my mom a Happy Mothers' Day and asked for my number.

She would always call me and it would usually go like this.

K: Babe. You haven't greeted me yet
M: What mahal why are we doing this again haha
K: I'll keep doing this until it's real news

I've always looked forward to the day when it's real but some things just can't anymore.

Last year, I got the same phone call

K: Where's my greeting?
M: Please stop hahaha
K: No, (name) swear it's legit this time

Long story short, the guy she cheated on me with got her pregnant. He ran off. Another bitter-sweet moment for me. But K and I became friends again.

Eventually, we got closer, and K wanted to try again. A lot of people told us that maybe we were meant for each other, just under different circumstances. I admit, I love her, and I guess I always will. But I have also learned how to love myself, and I have her to thank for that.

I guess that's it. People make mistakes - we fall too hard, or we fall too short, we hurt the ones who love us most, sometimes it's us who choose to hurt ourselves.

The ones we love now may someday have different hands to hold, eyes to wake up to, different gestures and words to pick up, different types of cooking to criticize and miss all at once. It happens. Some are lucky to get it right the first time. As for the rest of us, keep loving.

Sometimes we're deluded to think that the only love we need is the romantic one. We're so focused on looking for it that we tend to miss out on other great kinds of love that's given to us so easily. Love from our pets, friends, families. More importantly, love from you to you.

Also, please don't ever cheat on someone. If they lack anything, tell them. Quit playing guessing games. Try to arrive at a compromise. If it doesn't work out and you remain unhappy, then please leave. You have no idea how cheating can damage someone for good. Leaving > cheating.

Sorry for letting this drag too long. I thought it would be an easy story to tell, but I guess it will never be. Thank you for all the messages. Will go through them and try my best to respond. It's pretty late. You should all get some rest, my dudes. I promise I'm fine. Hugs :)

Ahhh damn it, where are my manners hahaha thank you for listening too. Sorry pretty clouded at the moment. Good night. You all deserve to be loved.

*to turn :(

*realized daming typo amp haha

Hello! A lot of people have been asking. K and I didn't get back together. We have long forgiven each other but I've made it clear I had no plans of offering anything beyond friendship. A little bit after things ended between us, I gave her some kind of "good bye letter" :)

Here are a few parts of the letter I gave K. Though I remember changing a lot when wrote it on paper. This was the only draft left on my laptop. While I still have the same amount of respect for her, I don't love her that way anymore. Sometimes it's best to forgive and learn.

For those who have been messaging me to ask if they can publish/write a long story version of my story with K.