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Tech bro. Satirist

Jul 3, 2018, 80 tweets

I was working as a Supply Chain Officer in Lagos, I was in charge of expediting procurement & also following up on vendors.

One of our major suppliers had issues with her supply & she came to complain, she met me & I helped solve the issue.

That was the Genesis.

LADY B

Thread

While she was leaving my office she left an envelope on my desk & walked away before I could notice, few minutes after she'd left I noticed it

I opened it to check & there was N10,000 inside it, I smiled - kept the envelope back on the table & kept working.

And Suddenly!!

I heard a Nokia phone ring, I looked closer & found out it was beside the envelope. I picked it up & answered the call & I heard a female voice

"This is Lady B" she said, "oh, hi Lady B" I reacted - she confirmed she left the envelope when I asked her just to be sure;

"Keep it"

I told her I don't take bribes & she said it was a gift, "what time do u close?" She asked & I told her I just closed - she asked where I lived & I told her

"I'm at DK Lounge, I believe it's before your estate" she said & said yes, she asked if I could drop by with her phone

Ok

The call ended & I started to wonder what was going on, I'd been avoiding meeting female clients since I started working there & somehow I already agreed to a date with one simply because I helped solve her problem.

I finished up my work, packed my things & left for my house.

I was not convinced I was doing the right thing but I decided to meet up with Lady B still, "What's the worse that can happen?" I thought as I was in the bus home.

I soon got to DK Lounge & walked in, I barely took 3 steps in when I saw someone wave at me - I looked & it was her

I walked up to her & she smiled at me, "hi Lady B" I said & she said hello - I brought out her phone & the envelope to give her, she asked me to sit down at least

"I'm in a hurry"

"I understand, but a drink wouldn't hurt right?"

I thought about it for a while

"Well"

"Thanks"

Lady B had been supplying my company even before I started working there, she had reputation with the management as Well - I decided to calm down & spend a few minutes with her.

She immediately ordered a drink for me, I emptied my hands on the table & started to drink

Suddenly!

I noticed 2 ladies walk in the front door, as they walked closer talking & laughing - I looked & to my greatest surprise it was my girlfriend Lizzy walking in with her bestie Ella.

"Lady B has killed me o!" I wailed

"So this is where you are Uche?!"

"No baby I can explain!"

"You are on a date with another woman on my birthday?!" She screamed as she turned back & left the lounge with her friend.

"Chai!" I wailed, it was Lizzy's birthday & I'd planned to call her when I got home

"Myy life is over" I grumbled, "who's she?" Lady B asked as I stood up!

There was an awkward moment as I was torn between leaving an important client, to chasing my girl who was running away & to answering the question she just asked.

"She's my fiance" I replied as I thought of the most valid response to give, "excuse me for a minute" I said to her.

I rushed outside to see if I could catch up with Lizzy but she was already in a cab with her friend, I tried to stop them but they drove off

"What's going on?" I thought, I brought out my phone to call Lizzy & explain but she kept declining the call

"What have I done" I wailed

I stood outside for a few minutes thinking of what to do, I decided to go back inside to finish up with Lady B & when I got back inside she was nowhere to be found.

I looked forward & saw the envelope & a phone on our table, I went back there feeling lost

"What is happening?"

I grabbed the envelop & the phone, went to the waiter to ask where Lady B was & he told me she left through the other exit. "She dun pay?" I asked & he said no, I took some money from the envelope & paid him

"Keep the change" I said to him as I left for my house feeling confused

I got home, freshened up & had dinner. I climbed my bed with both my phone & Lady B's phone, I took mine & called Lizzy but she didn't pick.

I called 5 times & she didn't pick, I concluded she wasn't going to pick so I decided to send her a message

I entered my Shakespeare mode

I wrote a long apology + birthday text & sent it to her, I'd already wished her a happy birthday on Facebook that morning before going to work.

I replied a few official mails with my phone, replied some messages on WhatsApp & finally dropped my phone to sleep

Suddenly!

"Damn!"

My phone rang, I brought it out to see who it was & I realised it wasn't my phone ringing - I immediately located the other phone & it was Lady B's phone that was ringing

I'd totally forgotten it was a Samsung too, "Line 2 calling" I saw as I looked at the phone - I pick

Hello?

"Is this your bedroom voice?" Lady B asked in quick response, "Lady B?" I asked rhetorically & she responded.

I asked why she left & she said she had an emergency, "I'll be at your office tomorrow to get it" she added.

"Alright, goodnight"

I ended the call & finally slept off!

The loud blast from my phone woke me up the next morning & I was excited, "it may be Lizzy!" I thought as I located my phone;

"Progress calling?."

I just dropped my phone, went straight to get ready for work. I didn't want to start my day with any sort of news from Progress..

I got to work that day & did my regular duties, it was soon time for lunch so I decided to take a break -as I stood up to leave my office the intercom rang

"Lady B is coming to your office" Mary the frontdesk girl said as I picked, I'd barely replied when I heard a knock

"Who?"

"Hello Uche!" Lady B said as she walked in, "this woman again?" I grumbled internally as I brought out her phone & handed it to her

She asked if I was chasing her away & I told her I was already heading out for lunch, "if you want to supply Segun can attend to you" I added

"No"

She said she was just passing by & decided to drop by to collect her phone, "I can buy u lunch if u don't mind" she added & I declined

I told her I still had change from the envelope, "it's nothing" she said - "a meal before I go wouldn't hurt" she added

The offer was tempting

I had a personal rule not to get romantically involved with any client, I could see the pointers with Lady B & tried to avoid it but didn't want to make a top client feel bad.

I finally agreed to have lunch with her, she suggested "Sweet sensation" across the road & I agreed

Ok

We got to the eatery & sat down, we ordered food to eat & in less than 10 minutes Lady B excused herself - "I want to use the restroom" she said, she left & I saw it as an opportunity to contact Lizzy

I tried to call Lizzy & I saw "call busy", "she's still mad at me" I thought..

I dropped my phone & started to eat, few minutes later Lady B joined me & we ate. As I dipped my spoon in my rice to fetch my 7th spoon, I heard a voice scream behind me

"Oh my God so it's true!"

I shockingly turned back & there was Lizzy standing

"I'm finished" I cried inside

I immediately stood up to try & explain to her again but she immediately turned back & ran, I tried to run after her & I ran into one of the attendants

"Oh my God I'm so sorry!" I apologised to the guy as we both regained consciousness, I looked up & Lizzy was gone!

"Chai God!"

"What's going on?" I thought as I walked back to my table a bit embarrassed. Lady B asked if everything was okay & I said yes, the lady looks familiar she said & I just nodded out frustration.

I immediately lost appetite as I sat down, I called an attendant to package the food!

"I'm sorry lunch didn't go as planned" Lady B said as she started to apologise, I told her it wasn't her fault

"I have to go back to work now" I said to her as I stood up to go, "I hope I can call you later in the evening?" Lady B asked - I just nodded, smiled & thanked her

Bye

I went back to my office & couldn't think straight, I got an sms minutes later & it was from Lizzy - I hurriedly opened it

"It's over!" She wrote, "wait! What?!" I exclaimed! I tried to call her back but she didn't pick up

"Am I dreaming?" I thought, she didn't let me explain?

I called again & she didn't pick, it dawned on me that I had lost my Lizzy because of Lady B. I tried to get back to work but I couldn't - So I closed early & decided to go to Lizzy's to beg.

I lied to my boss that I was sick & went to the market to buy Lizzy plenty gifts like..

I bought flowers & chocolates, took a taxi & went straight to Lizzy's house. I soon got to her compound & walked in, I knocked on the door & there was no answer

Few knocks after the door opened, "what are u doing here?" Lizzy said immediately she opened the door;

Let me explain

"Get out of my house!" Lizzy screamed, She took the flowers I gave to her & flung them away! "She's just a client, I'm not cheating on you" I said in a bid to explain myself

"Just a client?" She asked, "& you were chilling with her on my birthday" she added

"It's not like that"

As I tried to explain what was going on I saw Ella come out of the door, "just leave my friend alone you heartless boy!" Ella said

"Me? Heartless? Chai I'm finished!" I wailed, "not even once but twice you were caught" Ella added.

At that point I knew all forces were against me

I tried to throw in one last apology but Lizzy & Ella turned back, went inside the house & banged the door!

"Chai! What do I do now?" I thought as I went home sad, "why are my village people following me like this?" I thought.

I got home, undressed & laid on the bed thinking..

Few hours later when I finally calmed down, I brought out my laptop to finish my work from home & as my laptop was bolting I got a text from Lady B

"I'm sorry about today, I hope you're good?"

I read the message & ignored, few minutes into working Progress called

I pick

Hello

"Oboy I dun suffer, I just work that work finish & this man no wan give me my cut" he said midway through the conversation, he kept explaining how he was working in vain & how frustrated he was

I asked what he was going to do about it & he said he didn't know, "when I come back"

We soon ended the call & I started thinking why there was bad news from everywhere, "What is really going on?"

While I was in my thoughts my phone rang, "Lady B"

"What does this woman want again?" I thought, I reluctantly picked & the first thing I heard was "Let me make it up"

I asked what she meant & she said she was around my neighbourhood, "If there's anything I can do to help" she added & I told her I was okay.

"I don't hangout with clients, I tried it & the result is killing"

"I know you don't do clients"

"Oh you know?"

"Yes"

"Ok goodnight"

Fast forward:

The next day was busy & different clients were supplying, I was having a hard time focusing because of Lizzy

Segun was dealing with inventory while I prepared payment for those who supplied, few minutes later I heard a knock;

"Come in"

"Hi Uche"

"Lady B again?"

"I just finished supplying & I came to say hi"

"Thank you"

"I hope I get paid today"

"I'm processing your payment"

"Ok add 10 cartons, I forgot to bring it from my truck"

I asked her to go bring in the supplies, she asked me to process payment for it & I agreed

"I'm coming"

Lady B left my office & in the spirit of processing her payment I added the extra supplies which amounted to N200k, I moved on to the next client & continued doing my work.

Few hours later I finished my work for the day, as I was about to go home I got a text;

"Guy I dun show!"

I picked my phone & called him back, we talked for a while & he expressed his dissatisfaction with the job he went to do - we finally agreed to meet that evening.

Later that evening I net with Progress at our regular joint & I was shocked he didn't call me "Uchman the hitman"

"Oboy no be small thing o!" I exclaimed as he told me about the wicked man he worked with that refused to pay him, "how far Lizzy?" He then asked

I explained how my kind gesture has ruined my relationship, "but Lizzy suppose know say you no dey do clients" he said

"I no know o"

We talked & drank more, Progress promised to beg Lizzy on my behalf & I told him I was counting on him. We soon finished & I went home to chill

The next day I went to work feeling a bit light until I got an email from my HOD, she requested I came to her office that morning

Hmmm

"Uche what's going on?" Grace asked me, it was the first time my HOD had a serious look on her face so I knew something was wrong

"Nothing"

She showed me an email from Lady B saying I approved a payment of 200k for her without supplying

"Segun confirmed that she didn't supply"

Lady B went on to say that I was "incompetent & dull" in the mail, I couldn't believe my eyes. "Lady B?!" I reacted

"She has refused to do a refund" Grace said, "the management is calling for your head but I give you one week to pay back the money" she added.

"You can leave"

I thanked Grace & left, I didn't need an Angel to tell me what was going on - luckily Grace had my back & I knew my best shot at keeping my job was raising that money in such short notice.

"What have I don't to deserve this?"

"Can't I say no to Mekwe in peace?"

"What do I do?"

Immediately I got back to my office I got a call from Progress, "Na Lady B get Lady B ventures for Ikoyi?" Progress asked & I said yes - "Na her husband dey drive black G-wagon abi?" He asked again & I told him I knew nothing about her family

"No worry I get plan"

"Which plan?"

He said he'll call me back later to tell me what to do, "I dey with Lizzy, just do anything I tell you!" He added

I became excited that he was with Lizzy, I knew he had my best interest at heart so I just accepted & we agreed to talk later.

I ended the call & went to see Segun

Segun confirmed that Lady B didn't bring extra supplies, at that point I confirmed that my village people had finally caught up with me.

I thanked him & went back to my office to think about my life, I managed to focus on my job to avoid making further mistakes

I kept waiting for Progress to call while I thought of ways to raise 200k in such a short notice & save my job, hours soon rolled by - it was time to go home & Progress was yet to call.

I picked my phone & called him, "I dey our usual with some men" he said when he picked.

Show

"This Progress will not invite me to church, only beer parlour" I thought as I packed my things to go join him, on my way out I saw Gloria who reminded me of our "agreement"..

About an hour later I met up with Progress, "Uchman the hitman!" He screamed as I entered

"Finally!"

He introduced me to the other guys & in no time we were drinking together, about an hour into drinking & laughing I remembered my Lizzy & My mood changed

"How far Lizzy?" I asked progress as I took him on a 2-aside, "she still dey form vex but she go gree" he replied

"Ehen?"

I updated him on the 200k debt & asked what the plan he told me was about, "200k?!" He screamed & I nodded in agony.

"Guy, this is serious!" He replied in English & I knew it was serious for real, "I know" I replied.

"Hmm, we have to switch to plan B" He said

"Plan B?"

"Yes!"

He asked us to go back to drinking & at that point I had to listen to Progress & put all my hopes on him, I knew it was a risky thing to do but I had no choice.

We went back drinking - we soon finished & all went home excited, I got home feeling tipsy & started to think of Lizzy

I wanted to call again but my ego came knocking, "what if she ignores?" I thought - I finally freshened up & went to bed.

The blast from my phone woke me up the next morning & it was Progress calling, "this is the plan! This is the plan!" He shouted twice!

"Which plan na?!"

"Call Lady B"

"Why?"

"Tell her you want to see her"

"For?"

"When she comes, tell her you like her & will like to take her on a date"

"You dey crase?"

"Just do as I say"

I pause for a minute, "has Progress finally run mad?" I thought, "What's all this nonsense o Lord?!"

I told him to end the call when I got a call from Gloria my HOD, "Hello Uche, are you at work yet?" She asked & I told her I was on my way.

She said they had a meeting & she just called to remind me about the money, I told her I still remembered & she said ok

"Thank you"

"Bye"

"Where would I get this money now?!" I thought, I was low on cash & the only people I could ask were my siblings.

I called my brother & sister & they said they were broke, I called a few of my friends & they didn't have either.

"Hmm!"

I thought of what to do while getting set!

....

At work I kept thinking of what my fate would be, "am I going to lose my job?" I thought. Minutes later i got a call from Progress telling me to do as he says

"Just try to get Lady B to have lunch with you & you'll get 200k" he said, when I heard the reward I thought twice

"Guy you sure?" I asked him & he said yes, at that point I had no choice so I told him I'd do it! He then said he'll send me an instruction via sms

Later that day I called Lady B & she didn't pick, "nawa, she dey do shakara for me" I thought - I called again & she finally picked

"Hi Uche"

"Lady B, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, this one you called me"

"Is it a bad thing?"

"No, I'm just surprised"

"Well, I don't know when I can see you"

"You want to see me?"

"Yes"

"Okay, hope no problem?"

"No, Its just been a while"

"You miss me?"

"Yes"

"Hmmm"

We finally concluded our talk & she ended up laughing, we greed to meet the next day at a restaurant in Ikeja GRA -Immediately we ended the call I called Progress to update him

"Correct!" He shouted

I asked him what his plan was & he told me to make sure I look nice to the date

I askes him if there was any update with Lizzy & he told me to be patient, I told him okay & we ended the call. I later ate lunch, finished my work for the day & went home!

The next day I met up with Lady B at the restaurant & as I walked in I saw her sitting already.

"Again"

I went in but this time with a different swag, I switched to Uche the Mekwe master mode & started by complimenting her - I became nice & informal, we soon got along & started to eat.

I asked her to ignore my earlier actions & should see me as hers now

"Really?"

"Yes"

"Okay!"

We got talking, she told me how her husband cheats on her & still doesn't touch her when he's around on leave

I wanted to promise her Mekwe when we heard a noise that startled us - plates crashing!

We looked to see what was happening & to my greatest surprise I saw Progress!!

He stood up, apologised to the janitor & ran away. "Are you Okay?" Lady B asked & I said yes, I faked a smile & managed to focus on her a while.

After an hour I told her I needed to rush home, "I'll see you this evening" I said to her as I left the venue to go locate Progress!

I called him & he told me he'll meet up with me later, I asked him where he was & he told me he'll call back!

He ended the call & I went home worried, I waited for his call all through that day till evening & he didn't call - I called him & his number was switched off.

"Hian!"

I decided to rest a bit & the next time I opened my eyes was the next morning, I looked at my phone & saw 25 missed calls

15 from Lady B & 10 from Progress, I called Progress back

"Guy dey show our usual spot, God dun do am for you!"

"You say?!"

"Just dey show!"

"Okay!"

I hurriedly dressed up & brushed my teeth, washed my face & sprayed some perfume. I took a bike to my estate gate & soon found a bus.

Few minutes later I located Progress, he was sitting with 12 other girls & 2 guys - they were all drinking while Progress was dancing for them

"Uchman the hitman!!" He screamed when he saw me, I greeted everybody there & tried to call Progress aside!

"I know say you dey wonder wetin dey happen, I go surprise you!" He screamed, "Call your account number!" he said out loud. I asked why;

"Don't be Thomas!" He replied

Ok

0167456011 GTB I spelled out gently From my phone as he held his phone, in less than 5 minutes I got an alert of 250k from Progress

"What?!"

He told me to keep the change, he called the bar man & ordered drinks for me.

I asked him what was going on, "you dun dey do G?" I asked

He then told me to relax, he started explaining how he got the money - "Lady B na my Oga wife!" He said, I asked him which Oga & he told me the man that refused to pay him;

He dipped his hands into his bag & brought out a photo of Lizzy & an old man, "Lizzy is cheating on me?!"

"Calm down" he replied, he then brought out a photo of me & Lady B in the restaurant. "What's going on here?" I asked him & he explained in details.

He used both photos to blackmail his boss, he set Lizzy up with the man & she fell for it

"So Lizzy Mekwe the man?"

"No! Relax!"

He then told me to look back, I looked back & I saw Lizzy smiling. I stood up shocked, she came closer to me & hugged me.

"What's happening?"

"You're no more angry with me?"

She told me she had forgiven me since, she was working with Progress to make Lady B & her husband pay..

I asked what she was talking about & she started narrating her ordeal with Lady B, how Lady B was the person who called her anonymously to the restaurant close to my office

"She was trying to make me leave u, I almost fell for it but when Progress explained I connected the dots"

Progress then further explained how he had to team up with Lizzy to help me fight for my money back, "so you people had to blackmail them?" I said

"Well, she didn't want to refund too So?" Lizzy replied, "wow" I reacted as I hugged Lizzy back & my heart was filled with joy again

So it's not over right?

No baby it's not

I love you

I love you too

We kissed & everybody clapped👏

That was how I was able to pay back the 200k to my company & had change, Progress got his money back.

I avoided Lady B until I resigned

Lizzy & I went back to our love dovey!

A FRIEND IS A FRIEND ANYTIME ANYDAY, YOUR FRIENDS SHOULD BE ABLE TO COUNT ON YOU WHEN THINGS GO SOUTH.

Thank you for reading and retweeting today's episode of #StoryTimeWithUche

Please visit my likes for previous episodes, fell free to contact me for any sort of business 😁

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