The Hitman Profile picture
Tech bro. Satirist
2 subscribers
Oct 9, 2018 31 tweets 14 min read
Arriving at Gwagwalada was a relief for me, I got to my friend's neighbourhood which was characterised by the big hotel he had described to me - I called him to meet me by the "Aboki's shop" near the hotel

He came out!

7 Days in Gwagz 2 😭

#StoryTimeWithUche When he came out he had on a face cap similar to mine, I overlooked it because it wasn't custom made for just me;

"How far na?"

"I dey"

"Welcome to Gwagz bro"

I thanked him & from the way I sounded he suspected something was wrong;

"Guy you dey Okay?" He asked and I said No!
Oct 2, 2018 28 tweets 12 min read
One day I was traveling to Abuja by road, I was to stop at Gwagwalada to see my cousin who schooled at the University there.

We got to Benin-Ore road & suddenly became 'Pressed'

"Driver abeg I wan piss!" I screamed

7 Days in Gwagz 😭

Thread

#StoryTimeWithUche The driver told me he would have to get to a particular restaurant before stopping, "You want make I shit for body?!" I reacted & everybody in the bus turned to look at me;

"Driver stop for am na" one man backed me & the driver finally agreed to park beside a bush

I jumped out!
Sep 25, 2018 70 tweets 29 min read
One day my brother @TheycallmeCOBY called me to meet him at the set of a movie shoot, as the backup actor who always covers up when an actor messing up - I gladly went!

"I have to go" I told my friends as I grabbed my phone & headed to the set location!

Awon Goons Mi😭

Thread Immediately I left ikeja to head to gbagada I got a phone call from KK - "that girl you like is in my house now" he said, I told him I was in a hurry & would 'branch' his house when I'm through

I hurriedly found my way to the location, I asked what my role was & I was told
Sep 22, 2018 5 tweets 1 min read
A system where people only value you based on how you appear; dumb people are forced to display a certain kind of lifestyle in other to be accepted - they keep doing that till they grow to a certain age.

And boom!! They can't "hustle" anymore so they're stock with telling stories of how they were the first set of people to go to Quilox!

How they used to be friends with rich people, how they travelled to South Africa once.

Yes! Because you were busy trying to faking it then!
Sep 18, 2018 34 tweets 15 min read
"Mama did you hear what the town crier just said?" Lotanna asked his mother who was in the kitchen cooking; "No my son, is it about the 'Ofalla'?" She replied

"Exactly, he said that it would still hold by fortnight" Lotanna continued..

THE OFALLA😭

Thread!

#StoryTimeWithUche "Make sure you harvest the remaining yam in the farm before you go" his mother said & he told her he was heading to the farm 'right away'

"Ok my son...

Lotanna grabbed his cuttlass, dusted a basket lying around in their yam barn & headed to the farm.

But;

Something happened..
Sep 11, 2018 72 tweets 31 min read
"How much for advert?"

"100k"

"Nor worry I go give you 120"

"Oh, no problem"

"Only on one condition o"

"What's the condition please?"

"You will drink beer with me"

"Ahh, that's not a problem!"

That was how it all started!

..Oga Donatus! 😅😭

Thread!

#StoryTimeWithUche I got up from the bed that morning with an exciting phone call & it made my Morning feel bright, as I made a move to walk towards the bathroom my phone rang again!

I checked👀

Your guess is as good as mine;

Progress!!

I ignored the call without thinking twice

"No bad energy"
Sep 4, 2018 56 tweets 24 min read
There was a time when it was a big sin for a girl to put on a pair of trousers/pants..

Remember?

Good old days..

One Saturday Bisola visited after 'church', I stepped out to welcome her & realised she was wearing a pair of brown pants!

And my mom was home!

KANA!😭

Thread!! "Uchenna! Who is at the door?!" My mom screamed from her room, "My friend!" I replied as I opened the door net & smiled at Bisola.

"Hi Bisola" I said as I walked out to give her a hug, deep down I was praying to God that my mum didn't come out.

"She can't see her like this o!"
Aug 28, 2018 67 tweets 28 min read
"Shebi God dun catch you today omo yibo!" Afeez yelled from outside, I was confused and didn't know what to do;

I immediately stood up & walked towards the window with my arms wide open, "bros e e never reach like that" I stuttered!

GHETTO LOVE 2😭

THREAD

#StoryTimeWithUche I suddenly heard a bang from the door & I instinctively assumed it was Moshood, "ah thank God!" I heaved as I turned back;

To my greatest surprise it was Toyin that had escaped leaving me behind, "Toyin has left me!" I wailed!

"Why didn't I even think of running away" I thought
Aug 21, 2018 45 tweets 19 min read
I had a friend from secondary school who lived in a 'hood' behind my estate, his parents couldn't afford him a university education so during holidays I would hangout with him in the 'hood'.

One day I went to visit him & almost got myself into trouble😢

GHETTO LOVE😭

Thread! His house was a 'face me I face you' so I would usually walk through the passage down to his room to knock, that day I knocked a couple of times & got no response;

"Ta ni yen!" A tiny female voice finally spoke from within, "It's me!" I responded in English

"Hello Boda Ushena"
Aug 14, 2018 59 tweets 24 min read
"I would've told you I was going to see my doctor afterwards" Tessy said, "I didn't know I was pregnant, I'm sorry" she added.

I paused for few seconds; turned to Oge, looked at Tessy while trying to hide the mini heart attack I just had!

My Sherikoko 2😭😂

Thread! "You can't be pregnant" I said to Tessy with a voice as silent as the opposite of loud, "you're pregnant?!" Oge exclaimed!

"Yes!!" Tessy replied, "isn't that what you told him?" She added.

"Uhm.." Oge stuttered, I stood there looking further confused

"You're pregnant?"

"Yes!"
Jul 31, 2018 72 tweets 29 min read
Most guys understand the frustration behind 2face's voice when he screams "Amaka Disappoint Me!" in that song with Perruzzi, I can also relate because girls have 'shown me pepper' in this life.

I was a faithful lover at a stage in my life until;

Amaka Disappoint Me 😭

Thread! I had gotten to the level where I could contest for election in my department so I decided to contest for 'Director Of Socials', "e go fit you skata" Zik said when I told him my intentions

"Serious?"

"Yes, we go campaign for you"

It was all the morale boost I needed

"Thanks!"
Jul 24, 2018 80 tweets 32 min read
I walked through the streets of Kano one afternoon submitting application letters from organisation to organisation, I became thirsty so I stopped a "pure water" vendor to get hydrated

She gave me the water, Immediately I drank it a car pulled up beside me

SAI GOBE 😭

Thread The car's glass rolled down, this young woman dressed like an 'Alhaja' looked through the window & asked me for directions;

"Hello, please are you familiar with this area?" She asked, I told her I was & she said she was going to a company named "Trol Global"

"Yes I know it!"
Jul 17, 2018 72 tweets 30 min read
"1 unread" I saw on my mail notification one morning, I hate having unread messages so I quickly unlocked my phone to read

It was from my client, he said he found a "cheaper supplier"

I was sad because I'd placed all hopes on this deal

You again?😭

Thread

#StoryTimeWithUche I tried to reply but I immediately got a phone call from my younger brother, "My data has finished" he said during the call & I told him I'd heard him.

I dropped the call & didn't bother replying, I decided to tweet a bit so I go to twitter; I checked my inbox & saw new messages
Jul 3, 2018 80 tweets 33 min read
I was working as a Supply Chain Officer in Lagos, I was in charge of expediting procurement & also following up on vendors.

One of our major suppliers had issues with her supply & she came to complain, she met me & I helped solve the issue.

That was the Genesis.

LADY B

Thread While she was leaving my office she left an envelope on my desk & walked away before I could notice, few minutes after she'd left I noticed it

I opened it to check & there was N10,000 inside it, I smiled - kept the envelope back on the table & kept working.

And Suddenly!!
Jun 26, 2018 71 tweets 30 min read
The hunger from working had affected me so badly that when I got up to get food I almost fell, I went down & realised there was no food.

"Chai!" I screamed, the fridge was empty & the mall inside the estate was quite a distance but it was my only option.

SOLO WHY? 😭

Thread! I located my flip-flops, grabbed my phone & wallet then headed straight to the gate. I had barely walked 5 minutes when I felt a heavy hit from behind my thighs, before I knew it I was on the floor.

I had been hit by a Range Rover driving by, it was so painful that I screamed!!
Jun 19, 2018 71 tweets 30 min read
I woke up one day wondering when I'll graduate from the hustle phase & get a big break, my mood worsened when realised there was no power to work with.

I went to the kitchen & there was no food, the fridge was also empty!

Suddenly! My phone rang😨

(Phyno fit no know😧)

Thread I grabbed my phone to see who was calling & it was an unknown number, "My name is Temi from MTV, am I unto Uche?" A female voice spoke.

"Yes this is Uche!" I responded as we kept talking, she asked if I would like to be part of a talk show that is about to start.

"I'd love to"
Jun 12, 2018 74 tweets 30 min read
My love for adventure tends to supersede my use for common sense sometimes,.but it's safe to say that it's no longer the case.

It all started when I went for my cousin's traditional marriage in the village and met Sola.

YEMOJA - The Sea Goddess 😭

#StoryTimeWithUche

Thread I had managed to save up some money though my business hadn't been doing well, my cousin was my favourite relative so I couldn't miss his wedding for the world.

I boarded a bus to Onitsha from Yaba on a Saturday and by 6pm I had arrived at my family compound

#StoryTimeWithUche
Jun 5, 2018 74 tweets 33 min read
One afternoon I got a DM from a white guy who said he likes what I do & I said "thanks", he asked where I was & I said Lagos.

"Hmm, so can we talk on WhatsApp?" He asked, I thought about it for a while

"Okay!"

I gave him my number.

White Caller😢

Thread

#StoryTimeWithUche Less than 5 minutes later I got a video call from a North American number, "video call?What's going on here?" I thought, "igba wo l'abere love t'an kiss?"

I declined the call and went back to what I was doing, this guy called again!

"Again?!"

"Ah ah!"

"This guy serious o!"
May 29, 2018 74 tweets 30 min read
Poverty is a bastard & it can bring you the greatest insult of your life, I was selling printers & office suplies online during a jobless phase of my life & barely got orders

One day I got an order from "Phillip JK" & I jumped up excited!

Otedola😭

Thread!

#StoryTimeWithUche I quickly accepted the order, processed it & headed out straight to Ikoyi to deliver the item myself. It was a printer & I'd packaged it in a leather bag & carried it on my laps all through to Lekki.

It was the last unit I had left, I hoped the proceeds would last me a while..
May 22, 2018 77 tweets 32 min read
I got a mail one day & hoped it was from this IT firm I'd applied to for a Procurement expediter role, I looked & luckily it was them!

"Yaay!!" I screamed when it read that I passed the aptitude test & should get ready for the interview.

Biggie Biggie! Heavy Heavy! 😭

Thread I was working with a shipping agency in apapa but needed a proper job so I hoped that I got it, the next day I lied to my boss that grandmother's best friend died; & that I was her god son, & there was a ritual I needed to do.

Luckily he believed & let me take few days off..
May 15, 2018 72 tweets 31 min read
"Uche! Report to the diary room!" Big Brother said so I hurried, as I was about to climb the stairs to the diary room I tripped & fell.

Damn!

I suddenly woke up & realized I wasn't even in Small Brother, talk more of Big Brother!

My food is burning!😲

Big Brother😭

Thread! I quickly went to the kitchen & luckily my stew was only slightly burnt, I turned off the gas & started to reflect on the dream I had - I was discussing with Miracle and Nina, then I massaged Koko's back before Big Brother called me.

"What does this dream mean?" I asked myself..