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Tech bro. Satirist

Jul 24, 2018, 80 tweets

I walked through the streets of Kano one afternoon submitting application letters from organisation to organisation, I became thirsty so I stopped a "pure water" vendor to get hydrated

She gave me the water, Immediately I drank it a car pulled up beside me

SAI GOBE 😭

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The car's glass rolled down, this young woman dressed like an 'Alhaja' looked through the window & asked me for directions;

"Hello, please are you familiar with this area?" She asked, I told her I was & she said she was going to a company named "Trol Global"

"Yes I know it!"

I remembered the company because it was one of the places I had planned to submit my CV, I told her I was headed towards that direction & she offered to give me a ride.

I hurriedly paid for the water & joined her in the car, we left & headed to the company.

#StoryTimeWithUche

We talked more as we drove, I realized her accent sounded 'southern' - she asked what I did & I told her I was a student.

I summoned courage to engage her further & I realised she was a doctor, "what could this woman be doing here in Kano?" I thought

"Maybe I'll keep in touch".

She asked what I was going there for & I said I needed a place for IT, she wanted to respond when her phone rang

Then she got on the phone till we got to the company building & she walked straight to meet this old man, "Yaya" he said to her as they both went in leaving me behind

I looked to my right & spotted the front desk lady

"Good day, I'm here to submit my CV"

"No job"

"No, it's for IT"

"IT?"

"Yes"

"No IT, sai gobe"

"Ehn?"

"Na che sai gobe"

It was the most confusing conversation I ever had, I knew 'sai gobe' meant "till tomorrow" but..

I looked around & concluded that that company wasn't the place for me, I thought to wait a bit for this lady to step out

"What happened to her?" I thought

I sat down waiting for her to come out but she was taking too long, I waited for over an hour & finally decided to leave!

Suddenly, a door opened & I heard indistinct chatters - "Sai gobe ko?!" This "Alhaji looking" man said as he walked out with the lady I came with

"Tor, sai gobe" she replied with a smile as she walked out, I quickly stood up to approach her but the Alhaji gave me a strange stare

I backed down as I watched both of them walk past me, she looked at me; smiled & waved.

"That must be her husband" I thought, I looked at the receptionist, shook my head & left.

I went back home that day feeling frustrated, "Maybe this Kano IT isn't for me" I thought.

"Nawa o"

Days later nothing changed, I got no feedback from any organisation in Kano so I started considering going back to Lagos

I started to harbour the thought, when my cousin got back that night from the market I told him

"I Tell you say work no really dey here, na business" he said

After a few days I finally decided to go back to Lagos, I packed my bags - said my goodbyes & left Kano for Lagos.

I got to Lagos & was happy to be back, I spent time with family & everything was good until...

I decided to check up on my friends so I called with my Nokia torch

I spoke to a few of my friends & they weren't sure if school had fully opened as communications means & source of information was limited - some didn't even have phones.

Progress had sold his phone to go home when the semester ended, I decided to try his line still;

It rang!

"How far, you dun buy new phone?"

"Yes o, better camera phone"

"Ehen? Nice one"

We talked for a while, he asked where I was & I told him

"Why you never go back school?" He asked & I asked if we weren't all in the same school

"Omo, guys dey school o!" He screamed;

"Ehen?"

I asked who was in school & he told me almost everybody he knew was in school, he said some departments even fixed football games against each other so that school could be fun before resumption

"Infact when I finish wetin I dey do here I dey rush go school" he added

For real?

We ended the call & I went back to my normal activities, I stayed home for a few days further & started becoming bored

No company gave positive feedback, I started to consider Progress's advise..

I thought about it & finally decided to go back to school, "a win-win!" I thought.

I convinced my parents that I needed to go back, my sister then told me about a promo by aero contractors then - N6,000 to Owerri

"Wow, cheap!" I thought, but I was still battling with aerophobia then so I was sceptical

I finally made up my mind, went to their website & booked.

The day for my flight was soon here & my mom was the first to wake me up, "caring mother" I thought so I stood up to get prepared.

I freshened up & it was soon time to go, "Uche help me give this little things to your aunty in Owerri" my mom said

I looked at the "little things"

1 'Ghana must go' bag filled with soup items & fabrics, "is this the little thing?" I asked & she said it was nothing

"Do you think they bought the plane because of me?" I asked her, she said if they charge me extra I should pay

I looked at her & reluctantly carried it

Bye
Bye

I got to the airport, checked in my luggages & it was 70kg - I smiled at the lady & she just checked it in. While I went upstairs to be scanned I saw this caramel dropping girl

"Damn look at her shiny dark skin" I thought

She was ahead of me on the escalator so I just observed.

We finished check-in & boarded, to my greatest delight this caramel dropping girl was to sit just beside me

"Chai, God bless Progress for convincing me"

I relieved myself of my 'hand luggage' & sat down, seconds later the damsel sits beside me

"Damn, how do I start?" I thought

I looked at her neck & she hard a colourful scarf so instated a convo with that, we ended up talking - everything went on smoothly until we got to Owerri & I asked for her number

"I'm sorry I don't give strangers my number" she replied

"You say What?!"

"I just met you"

"So?"

"It was really nice to meet you & I think you're a cool guy"

"I know that line"

"It's not a line, Owerri is a small place - if we'd see again we would see"

It was hard for me to concede 'defeat' but I had to, I'd tried my best but no way..

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"I do!"

She tried to mumble a few words but I told her it was fine, "have a safe trip home" I said as I located my heavy luggage; found a taxi & went straight to my aunt's house.

I spent all afternoon at my aunt's & decided to go when it was getting dark, I bade everyone goodbye & left.

When I got to school it was dark, I went straight to my apartment - unpacked, freshened up & went straight to bed without eating.

I woke up the next morning feeling very hungry, I immediately went to the kitchen to see if I had foodstuff but there were echoes when I opened pots!

I started to wonder why there were echoes, I then paid attention to my external environment & realised that there was no noise from neighbours & fellow students as usual;

I left the kitchen, opened the door & when I stepped out I saw that my hostel was empty!

No one was around!

"What's going on?!" I panicked, "where's everybody?!" I thought as I went door to door knocking!

"Is it rapture?" I thought, "but Progress said everybody was around?" I thought again;

I then became really furious, went back inside my room & called Progress!

"Uchman!" He hailed

"Shey you talk say boys dey school?!" I furiously asked when he picked, "na wetin Onos tell me" he replied

"Na wetin Onos tell you?"

"Yes"

"Which Onos?!"

"Na true o!!"

"Wetin be true?"

"Na my guy Onos for Uniport tell me that one o!"

"Meaning?!"

"I think say na FUTO Onos"

At that point I realised that Progress had literally ended my life, "Guy no vex, you dey school?" He asked & I just ended the call.

"Na church I dey" I murmured as I went straight to the bathroom to brush my mouth, while I pasted my brush I remembered the girl from the flight..

I really liked her & thought we vibed, I already had plans on taking her on a date to 'Ibariogwa' village kitchen to eat point & kill goat

"It's all good" I thought as I brushed my teeth, I soon finished & as I walked back into the room my phone started to ring

Progress calling

I ignored & went to the kitchen to cook make a bowl of cereal, immediately I entered the kitchen my phone rang again & I still ignored!

It kept ringing & at a point I had no choice than to pick, I went to see & it was still Progress calling;

I pick!

"Wetin happen?"

"No vex!"

He tried to apologise for giving me wrong information,"I go make am up to You no worry he said" & I told him I'd heard & we ended the call

At that point I realised it was just myself & the security man plus janitors were around, I made my cereal; ate as I thought of my next move

I brought out my phone to call my girlfriend Olivia; I hadn't spoken to her since she told me about her missing phone through her mom's phone the previous week

"Let me see if she's got a new phone" I thought, I tried her line & to my greatest surprise

It rang

..She didn't pick

I called again & she finally picked - "hi baby" she said, I asked her how she was & she said she was fine

"Did you get a new phone?"

"Yes I did"

"Wow congrats, which phone?"

"It's a torch"

"BB Torch? So you're now pinging too?"

"Yes"

"Where are you?"

"Why are you asking?"

"Ahn ahn, can't I know where you are again?"

"You're sounding like you don't trust me, like you're monitoring me"

"Where's this coming from?"

"Now you'll say I'm overreacting abi!"

"I only asked where you were"

"You're monitoring me, you don't trust me!"

She ended the call!

I started wondering what I did or said wrong, "abi does BlackBerry Torch come with madness?" I thought

I tried to call her back but she kept declining my call, at that point I concluded that all the forces in the whole world were working against me.

"Who did I offend Oh God?"

I decided to arrange my house & arrange the things I brought back from Lagos, "I'd try & stay in school till students starr returning in few weeks"..

I spent the next hours arranging my place while channelling all negative energy to house chores, I soon finished & then showered!

I put on something casual & decided to go to Mallam Abu the 'me shai' to buy bread & egg, as I walked towards his shop I saw 2 'students' from afar & became excited as I wasn't the only one around afteral.

They looked like a couple; the girl wore a bumshort & held the guy's hand

I tried to walk closer so in order catch up with them, as I got closer my eyes became clearer; I confirmed my initial Instinct that said the bumshort looked familiar;

"Looks like Olivia's.. No it Can't be"

I got closer & beheld the most unbelievable sight!

Olivia is the girl!

"What?! Olivia!" I screamed, she looked back at me & I could see the smiles in her face immediately transform to surprise & amazement when she saw me!

I stopped breathing for few seconds & felt like a dozen men hacking my heart with axes, "what is before me oh Lord?" I cried!

I looked to see the guy she was with & it was Chike from 100 level, we had a little misunderstanding back then & now he's 'stolen' my girlfriend

I looked at her hand & saw the BlackBerry with her, Chike is from a wealthy home so I did the math & immediately had my result!

Ehen?

Olivia moved towards me in a bid to explain herself but I just halted her with my hands, turned back & walked back home

"Uche wait!"

"I'm good love enjoy"

I kept walking fast thinking of how ruined my life was, how I was sure that I needed to go back to the village to beg them

I moved faster till I got to my house, went to my room & laid down to think of were I went wrong with Olivia..

I was lost in thought for hours thinking of every possible scenario of misdeeds, she called at intervals but I ignored!

"I can't even take this" I thought, "I'm done!"

I sent her a text telling her to enjoy her life with Chike, I went back that evening to buy the bread & egg to make dinner

As I was buying the bread a car pulled up beside Abu's shop, it was dark so I didn't see who

"Uchman the hitman!"

"Progress?!"

"Wetin you dey do here?"

"Guy as I hear say you dey school I say make I fall in from PH with my cousin"

I'd never been that excited to see Progress in my life, "finally good guys are here" I thought like an American soldier trapped in Iraq who sighted his colleagues

"Oboy buy the bread sharply" he said

I took a soft bread & he told me about this party in Owerri town we were going to attend, "some excitement" I thought as I paid for the bread & joined them in the car

He introduced me to his friend Jaja, "nice to meet u" I said. As we drove home to change I told him about Olivia

"Your babe leave you because of phone!" He screamed, " Oboy free woman go pursue money" He added!

They both laughed, I tried to laugh too though I was hurting

I got home changed & we headed straight to the party near IMSU

"No worry I go hook you up with one babe" Progress said

"Shebi you say make I go find money?" I asked, "no worry, you need babe now wey your blood dey hot" he replied & we all laughed again!

I had eaten only the bread & drank water, we soon got to the party & Jaja parked.

It was in a compound, we went in & songs was already banging!

We got a table, sat to enjoy the jokes being cracked at intervals - "this is my friend" Progress soon said as he introduced me to this slim ebony, "It's her cousins birthday" he said;

I shook her hands as I told her my name

"My name is Queen" she said

"You look like a queen😁"

She smiled at my dry pun & it was a cue, We soon got talking & she seemed nice - She had glasses on & wore a jacket

"A slim sexy nerd" I thought, "let's die here" I thought again.

I soon zoned out of the party & placed all focus on Queen!

We were talking, drinking & laughing..

I asked where she lived & she said she lived in the compound, "my room is just behind there" she said as pointed to the hallway

"You wanna see my place?" She asked, "this party is boring" she added

"Sure I don't mind" I replied, I told Progress & I'd be back soon & he signalled

We got to Queen's room, she opened the door saying "this is my room" - "nice place" I responded

When I looked at her she was already staring at me, she closed the door behind us & we miraculously began to kiss!

"That was it ladies & gentlemen!

Mekwe!!

#StoryTimeWithUche

"Make me feel like a woman" she was moaning, "what does she mean?" I wondered. I noticed she was a novice so I asked if it's her first time, "no, it's my 2nd time" she replied

"What?!"

"Yes, I want to be a bad girl" she replied, "make me feel like a woman" she said again

Ehen?

I raised the Mekwe bar & took the game to stage 1, "yes!" She was screaming- "you're a good man" I thought

Suddenly!

I heard her gasping for breath, she subsequently fell flat & didn't move!

"Queen!" I screamed, she wasn't responding

"Chineke I've killed somebody's daughter!

"Help!!" I screamed as I ran out wearing only boxers, I got to the party outside & everybody was looking at me like I'd run mad - I didn't care, I went to Progress & tapped him

"Wetin happen?!" He asked as he turned to me, "Guy I dun kill person!" I replied

"Na Queen?!"

"Yes!"

We ran to the room together with Jaja & 2 other guys, they quickly poured a bucket of water on her & she immediately coughed!

"Thank God" I said I realised she wasn't dead, "what would I have said to my parents?" I thought

"Guy you wan use Mekwe kill pesin?" Progress asked me..

The other guys in the room were saying different things, some blamed me for being "wicked" while some 'thanked God' on my behalf that she didn't die

"What happened to Queen?!" This tiny voice screamed as she entered, "na the celebrant be that" Progress said

"She fainted"

Ehn?!

"Are you Okay?" Jenny asked as she ran to hold queen,"let's take her to the hospital" Jenny added - "let's use my car" Jaja said, "I'll go with u" I added

"Lets go" Progress said, we took Queen to the car & we drove to the nearest hospital together

"See my life" I wailed within

We got to the hospital & quickly got attended to by a nurse on duty who took her in, "please wait here" she said to us as she asked Jane to come with her when she identified as "family"

We sat at the waiting room & there was an awkward moment of silence;

I looked at Progress !

"He looked at me & asked why I was looking at him in such awkward manner, "na me say make you use Mekwe wound pesin pikin?" He asked

"No be you carry asthmatic patient give me?" I replied as I assumed her illness, "I no know say she sick o, as she slim I think say she go strong"

He further explained that she had told him she wanted to go wild;

"so na me be George of the jungle wey sabi wild animals abi?"

He then said he had been trying to make up for his wrong deeds; "if not I for be her George of the jungle na, you think say I no like Mekwe?" He asked

"Who is the guy Queen was having sex with?!" One nurse said out loud as she came to the waiting area, "why is she now shouting?" I thought as I raised my hand

"Doctor wants to see you" she said, I stood up covered in shame & went to the doctor's office;

"Knock Knock*

*Come in*

I opened the door & to my greatest surprise the doctor was the "Alhaja" from Kano, "Uche!" She said

"You remember me?"

"Yes, are you the culprit?"

"Guilty as charged"

"Please sit"

She sat me down to talk to me about Queen's health, I realised she was a sickle cell patient!

"You did well by bringing her here" she said as she continued her sermon, "she'll be okay" she added as she rounded up.

"Mummy that girl is outside the ward" a tiny familiar voice said entering the office, "Sorry I didn't know you had a visitor!" She screamed when she noticed me

"This is my daughter Sharon" the doctor said, I took a second close at to another shocker it was the girl from my flight!

"You again?" She said, "yes, me again" I replied

"You two have met?" The doctor asked, "yeah I met her on my flight" I said; "like I met u in Kano" I added

"You met my mom?"

"Yes"

"He was the one that directed me to Mallam Yusuf the stingy man's office" the doctor cut in, "so why didn't u respond?" I asked

She apologised

"I didn't know what got over me, I was angry buy was acting cool" she said

"Shege Yusuf"

"It's okay" I said

The doctor later introduced herself as 'Mercy', "so you're the sickle cell girl's boyfriend?" Sharon asked

"Uhm, not really" I stuttered

"It's Okay, you guys can leave" Mercy said as she discharged us

I stepped out & saw Queen, "Are you Okay?" I asked

"I'm fine" she replied

I tried to apologise but she said she should be apologising, "I should have told you I was SS" she said

It's okay

"Lets go Progress" said from afar, "no worry I dun pay" he added.

We all exited the hospital feeling thankful & sober..

"Excuse me Uche" Sharon Suddenly tapped me

She took me aside slowly as I excused myself, "so you mean you Mekwe that girl till she fainted" she asked

"Yes" I said feeling ashamed, "wow, you know I told you when next we see I would give you my number" she added

"Take my number, call me let's meet at yours"

"I dont want"

"You think you can give me your number anytime you wish?" I said, "im no longer interested!" I shouted as I stormed out of the hospital exit!

"It's not me you people will kill" I murmured as I joined Progress & Jaja as we drove back to drop off Queen & Jenny

"Chai, what a night

I told Progress to take me back to my hostel & he convinced Jaja to keep in touch, Queen wanted to keep so I took her number so that she doesn't feel bad.

"Take care"

"Later"

I got into Jaja's car & we drove back to mine, I got to my place - thanked Progress all the same

Bye!

I tried to open my door & it didn't, I realized it was locked from inside so I stood surprised

I'd barely wondered what was going on when the door opened from within

"Olivia!"

"What are you doing here?" I asked & she said I should hear her out, "I'm not cheating on u I swear!"

"We came back for farm practice assessment" she said, "Chike is my hostel & department mate & you know it!" She added

"See photos of us all" she said as she showed me pictures of her 'farm practice' on her phone

"Hm, looks true" I thought, "so who bought you the phone?" I asked

She said it was her uncle who bought it for her, "he brought it from the UK" she added.

"You know my history with Chike?"

"I do"

"So why flirt with him?"

"I know you're hurt, I'm sorry"

...While were talking my phone rang

"Hello, who's this?"

"Chike"

"Yes?

"Believe her!"

He ended the call..

I realised it was really late, "how long u been here?" I asked her & she said since she saw me drive out with Progress

I paused, thought & finally believed her; "I believe u" I said, "I'm glad you kept the extra key" I added

"Come here"

We kissed & made up

We then went to bed to cuddle, sleep & of course!

Samankwe!!

Thanks for reading & retweeting today's episode of #StoryTimeWithUche

Follow me on Instagram & Snapchat @UchennaNG

For any sort of enquiry please d. Me!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

THE END

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