Thread by @Liz_Hylton

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I have found a copy of #VA05 Republican Congressional candidate @Denver4VA’s self-published book “Bigfoot Exterminators Inc: The Partially Cautionary, Mostly True Tale of Monster Hunt 2006”

Here are some of my favorite excerpts #BigfootErotica

The narrator first encounters #Bigfoot on page 3, thrusts his walking stick at “Bigfoot Balls,” and uses phrase “mythic private parts” when describing himself

Our first description of #VA05 Congressional Candidate Denver Riggleman, a “life-long hunter of deer, bear, and Commies” 🦌🐻⚒

The phrase “all-guy-double-boner-alarm clock” is used to describe how the narrator likes to wake up in the mornings ⏰⏰

#VA05 Republican Congressional candidate Denver Riggleman has a great analogy to explain concept of curiosity 🙈🙈

#VA05 Republican Congressional Candidate Denver Riggleman gets a surprise “ass massage” from #Bigfoot hunting companion as they hide from the mythical beast 😳

After a dozen or two pages of fruitless #Bigfoot searching, Denver & friends have recruited a young woman half their age to lure the beast out of hiding with her serenades.

Truly can’t see how this could go wrong

One of the team thinks he has seen his first Bigfoot, but the narrator is quick to identify the creature based on its rear end as a bear.

We, the readers, get to enjoy a fun “bear ass v bare ass” wordplay 🐻🐻

We learn that #Bigfoot is attracted to psychics, but the college aged woman they’ve invited specifically to lure him out of hiding with her singing and feminine charms is playing coy about her psychic abilities

#VA05 Republican Congressional Candidate Denver Riggleman gives us an insight into his opinions on science while designing—in crayon—a predator-style RV to capture #Bigfoot

Ok we’re almost at the end of the book, but buckle up y’all because if you think it’s been weird so far, YOU AINT SEEN NOTHING YET

Despite their best strategies of bacon traps, night raids, and using a college aged women as romantic (sexual?) bate, our lovable band of heroes have this far been unable to catch themselves a #Bigfoot.

Luckily for them, a “Shamanic Witch of the Shadow Tradition” calls 🍿🍿

In our book’s shocking conclusion, we learn:

(1) Never lie to a witch
(2) Lord Archaeus, the Shamanic witch, has been using menstrual blood to bait #Bigfoot
(3) Said menstrual bait was successful
(4) “Bigfoots like, sex, too.”

Seriously, I dare you to find a better ending line to a novel than, to explain why a Shamanic witch menstrual blood baited trap worked, #VA05 Republican candidate @Denver4VA’s mic-drop of a line: “DB, you know, Bigfoots like sex too.”

#VA05 #Bigfoot @LeslieCockburn @TeamCockburn

Hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did. If you’ve made it this far, please check out @indivisibleVA05’s great thread on why the race in #VA05 actually matters:

And wherever you live, please vote Dems this election #BlueWave #BlueWave2018