Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

What should have been an uneventful day at church, took a turn, when the pastor shouted, “Any occultic power here, I command you!Lose your hold!” and the girl beside me, my girl,fell,and started jerking violently.

Eh? What’s going on?!

Brethren
Issa thread
#TalesbytweetLight

They say hindsight is 20/20. There are things that happen and give new meaning to seemingly insignificant occurrences in the past

Watching Bella or The9thprincess as was her name on SM, jerking on the floor, I wondered could it be? I Don carry winsh? Stevokingofthecoast?

I remember perfectly the day I met her and what had happened. My mum had called with a vision.

African mothers are like Martin Luther king; they always have a dream.

Dreams that are timed perfectly to coincide with when you’re about to do something not so bad like fornication

If you’re a babe planning to travel to collect the salvation of someone’s son using your waist, they’ll dream that they saw babies pursuing you or that you were in an accident and even the ambulance that was to rescue you for treatment, also tumbled 212.567 times.

Who counted?

If you’re a guy like me,planning to import babe and you have my mother, who’ll relate everything to babe like “Uche, I dreamt that mangoes fell on you yesterday. Listen to me! You need to read your bible more, pray harder, and please stay away from the mango of women

How?

She called that morning to say she saw a babe who came to my house, took my glasses and gave me TV.

That’s good na I replied.

Shutup! Better pray! Pray very well! You don’t have a discerning spirit! They want to take your vision and give you television my friend!

Ah!

I went into the shower right after answering her call. Soap suds on my face, my phone kept ringing.

I managed to wipe clear a bit to answer the call wondering na wa o, mumsi, the vision never finish? only to see who was calling.

Brethren! It was your guy.

PROGRESS

“Stevoooooooolosho!
Stevhoeligan!
StevoMG!
Stevotetraoxosulphate(IV)acid” He hailed.

“Sup?” I replied

“Baba! Party Dey! My cousin, friend, sister, inlaw, Dey do party and baba! Baba! StevothePapi! Your spec go full there like say Na your birthday! I Dey your door. Open up”

You see, I was a boy who lived for adventures. At that point in our lives, all that mattered were babes, drinks, parties and of course books; Almost forgot that one.

Despite all the sticky situations I had been in with Progress, some had turned out alright so I mean;

Leggo

Progress wasn’t lying. It was a paradise of babes whose beauty knives had been well sharpened, consequently, they were slaying effortlessly.

I was confused. Where to start? who to talk to? I got some drinks and got into the rhythm of the party.

Then I spotted her; Bella

She wasn’t a drop dead beauty, or one of those sight for sore eyes kind of babe with immaculately sculpted shape than can cause kings to go to war.

No.

She was unassuming.Just there,but for some inexplicable reason, I was drawn to her

Now thinking of it, it was juju drawing me

We caught on quickly.

In the deafening music playing in the party, her voice was charming, clear, towering above the din,as we discussed a range of topics. She loved reading, wrote poems, understood sarcasm, was witty, and slowly I felt my mumu button entering her hands.

After the party, I added her on 2go; The9thprincess.

A name which at the time seemed innocuous and I even joked about changing mine to the10thprince.

Watching her on the floor of that church, jerking, I said to myself kai! She talk am o! Night princess! How did I miss that

The way the present shapes your understanding of the past is scary. While we were talking and she had started visiting, I came to know she loved horror movies. She watched them with glee,unflinching even in the most scary parts,laughing even.

How won’t it be funny?

Na dem dem

She once showed me what was one of her favorite poems.

We come alive at night. For while during the day we struggle to be I, walking deads, darkness frees us. Releases us. And when we breathe in, we exhale the horrors of pretense

Then it was Awwwn cute, now it was you say?

She jerked a few more times, then stilled. The pastor asked for her to be left alone as some over enthusiastic ushers were already rushing her. He declared victory over the forces of darkness, while I looked on in unbelief at what was happening before me

More memories poured in;

“My favorite place in the world is the beach at nights. I feel one with nature. I feel at home, I feel a connection” she once said to me as we scrolled through several pictures of her at the beach.

What was once hmm deep! Now was, Hei God, See deep soup

After a while, She stood up, dusted herself, looked around, and told me, with what looked like tears in her eyes, “let’s leave here Steve”

Brethren you know your boy, there was no way I would say no. I walked out with her; 9th and 10th people of the coast as we were now.

At the hostel, she didn’t say much. She undressed (of which I expected wings to pop out or for her to just say man gaddem this pretense and change to cat or something) went into the bathroom and showered.

While I was sat on the bed wondering so what do I do next?

Something wasn’t adding up.

I remember vividly how it had been that we made church that Sunday.

I personally had been too tired and didn’t want to go anywhere that morning. I had been drained the night before.

This babe was a Mekwe poet; she did things to my body fam

Kings, listen to me, they are out there. Babes who treat love making like an art. Like poetry, They’ll give you sex that has rhythm, not some gbish gbish, war start! Kind of sex, no! Sex that has rhyme, you can feel its pattern. Mekwe with soul, that’ll make you shed a tear, fam!

I say at a point, babe was riding your boy stevodadida, Stevhoe, so well, so quick, like a well oiled and maintained power bike, that I didn’t know when instead of moaning, what was coming out of my mouth was “brrrrrrrm brrrrrrrm voooooom vooooom” like the Bike I was

Hei kill me

The next morning, she had all but bathed and dressed me, in a bid to get me to church.

Her friend was having a thanksgiving of some sort and she wanted to be there. I had gone sleepy eyed to town, where the church was.

So I was wondering, if winsh? How come she wanted church?

Now, she was out of the bathroom and still in a somber mood. Teardrops hung in waiting, at the corner of her eyes.

“Steve! I can explain what happened today. I’m sorry if i embarrassed you, it’s been a while, thought it had stopped” and she continued crying

What’s this o

She stood up and went into the kitchen and started preparing food. She has intimated to me how cooking calmed her down.

I went into the kitchen, stood behind her in a hug saying “take your time”

She continued cooking

Fear is one emotion which if given free rein, goes above and beyond in ruining even the most perfect thing.

I wanted to say I know Bella, there’s just no way she was a witch or something but my mind found it hard to give any other explanations to what I had seen

As a result, when she served the Eba and tantalizing Egusi soup for us to eat, I couldn’t help but wonder chai! Na so dem take initiate me?

And even if as I ate, I had zeroed my mind about being a wizard, I had just one problem if so, the food of choice for initiation

Playing over and over in my mind was a Nollywood movie from growing up where the boy had taken puff puff to school, shared amongst his class mates and at night, he summoned them “puff! Puff! Puff! Puff!” and all the kids left their beds to the venue of the Occultic meeting

So if dem wan call me now my own will be “Eba! Eba! Ebababababaaaaaaaa!” and me, Stevegusisoup will rise up from my bed and start heading to a place where four roads meet.

Why me?
Why Eba?
Why not something sexy and foreign like Lasagna! Spaghetti Bolognese! Just imagine Eba!

After food, we huddled in sleep, Cos she was looking very drained, with a promise to talk when she woke up.

We slept.

Looooool who slept?

Fam I was awake. If the 1st to 8th princess wanna get me they had better come in real life cos there was no way I would close this eye

There wondering, watching her as she slept, I thought no it couldn’t be, there’s something more to this whole thing. Look how innocent she looks sleeping.

As if to say no to that, babe laughed in her sleep, chewed and swallowed.
Hei! My destiny! Dem don chop am o

Scared as I was, thinking, how do I break up with a karashika. Doubt google will know what to do. Im sure it’ll be like;

Step 1: Buy two cartons of olive oil and drink it all.

Step 2: Wear 5 crucifix

Step 3: Fam really? Lol. Forget it. you’re finished

On the bed behind her, my phone rang. I was in no mood to take any calls, but whoever was calling was persistent.

I looked at the Caller ID

Fam, it was Progress

But lord you said affliction will not arise a second time.

“Stephen!” He said in a sad tone, “Sorry oh! I heard what happened! Bella’s sister told me what happened today”

And fam! I had never been happier to hear from Progress Cos what he told me put paid to all my fears.

Bella wasn’t a demon or winch; she was just having seizures

Progress was in a thing with Bella’s sister, and he told me she had told him that Bella had recurrent seizures.

Though it had not happened in a while, it was best to just calm her as it had caused her embarrassment many a time in the past, happening in the oddest places

I instantly felt like scum. In fact I was scum.

Like many others in life, I had first thought of a spiritual angle to what had happened. I had then let fear rule me and my thoughts, and was going to act on it to arrive at a solution that would have been well off the mark

This is a frequent occurrence in every day life, especially in this part of the world. Many things with logical, medical or even financial explanations are thought of as having super natural angle even when it doesn’t.

Ah! I felt like shit!

When she woke up and wanted to explain, I put a hand on her lips, as I’d seen my guy Ramsey Noah do in the movies, like “shhh! Babe I know. It was just a seizure.

Just relax, we will get through this together. Relax baby! StevothePapi is here for you” I kissed her tears

“Thank you Steve! It hasn’t happened in years and I thought you’ll run away like the others. It’s something......”

“Shh! Baby don’t say a word, I’m here for you” I cut in.

We hugged, kissed and had some of that Poetic Mekwe with the theme “ Consolation and Redemption”

Thank your for joining #TalesbytweetLight this weekend. Apologies for posting late. Do check out the next tweet to read more stories, and join me next Friday, 6pm.

Hope you learnt a thing or two.

Read and RT

With love
Uncle Stephen.

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