Can a man rob God!!? Na the last thing wen comot for pastor mouth before we hear person wen shout “Everybody lie down flat” and gun wen dem cock “KpraKpa!”

Nothing wen no dey happen for Ajegunle. Na why men fit get mind rob church on wash night day.

Brethren,
Na thread o! Dem say na wen you don cross river finish you fit tell crocodile say him mouth dey smell.

Na why as the men dem wen carry gun wen no be childs dey rise like Ijebu garri from many corner of d church, all man don lie down flat wan even enter ground like seed wen dem wan plant

“Smell am!” He screamed, pressing the cold metal on my nose.

“Wetin be dis?”

“Na gun” I said, as boiling point urine dropped on my boxers.

Guns are sexy in movies when with it, the actor kills 95 bad guys. Not as much in real life, pointed at you.

Brethren
Issa thread Brethren, I live my life I no like trouble.

Yet somehow, even in the most innocuous situations, these village Chinwetalu Agu et al manage to sneak wahala into everything.

I had enjoyed four blissful months with Pamela. A very adventurous young lady, fun and crazy to be with.

What should have been an uneventful day at church, took a turn, when the pastor shouted, “Any occultic power here, I command you!Lose your hold!” and the girl beside me, my girl,fell,and started jerking violently.

Eh? What’s going on?!

Brethren
Issa thread
#TalesbytweetLight They say hindsight is 20/20. There are things that happen and give new meaning to seemingly insignificant occurrences in the past

Watching Bella or The9thprincess as was her name on SM, jerking on the floor, I wondered could it be? I Don carry winsh? Stevokingofthecoast?

Lagos is a crazy place to live. It teaches you things whether you want to learn or not. You don’t even realize, till you see your reaction in certain situations

A town rife with different kinds of people and packaging, a town we “hate” but can’t leave

Brethren
Issa thread Brethren with how long I’ve spent living in this town, till date, I cannot stop myself from reacting the way I do whenever a stranger stops me on the road like

“psst! Bros! Excuse me. Im looking for so and so street....”

Eh? You say

“...No wahala. Just Dey come” Progress said.

“I’ll be there tomorrow” I replied and ended the call.

But it was Progress. I should have known by now that somehow our combo would bring trouble.

And it did.

We got into trouble with a juju man.

Brethren
Issa thread I had always argued about juju and all these changing into animal something.

Growing up, there was a superstition that a particular black cat always meowing on the roof at night, was baba white from the next compound.

And I had my reservations

You know what’s beautiful about the first time you fall in love? The complete innocence of it all. The rush of emotions, the happiness, the seeing their face in your eba when you eat.

The first time is always wonderful, and this is a story about mine.

Brethren,
Issa thread As if being in love wasn’t enough, the object of my affection was named “Ifunanya” kee me

Till date, as is the case with love, i can’t explain exactly what about her roped me in.

I can remember how whenever the bell for break rang, immense joy filled me Cos oh here she comes

It could be filled with penises that would have birthed world changers, inventors, etc who would now never see the light of day

I answered Him pointing out where he should go. He thanked me and i was then faced with an arduous task. How do I in a public,rowdy place like Ikeja carry out like the Rotracts have, the 4 way test to ensure intactness of my Something. How do i confirm the following without looking like a pervert- Is it still there? Has it shrunk? Are the balls still complete?

Oga come down Na! come down!” The molue conductor screamed at Him angrily

“I no fit! I no fit!” he replied painfully as he struggled without success to stand up from his seat.

This wasn’t Nollywood. I was seated beside a guy glued to his seat.

Ah! Lagos!

Brethren
Issa thread “Hei! I don die! Mo ti Ku” he cried as perspiration poured unrestrained from his pores

Though it felt like a movie,like the brainchild of a good special effects guy, as I watched the Guy struggling I knew, even if a movie,this wouldn’t be one of those “To God be the glory” ones

Stirring up from sleep,I realized I was in an unfamiliar bed. When the webs of sleep cleared from my eyes and I saw where i was, I knew I had messed up.

If there’s one rule you shouldn’t break this was it.

Cut-off time 4 girls hostel was 9pm.

It was 9:42

Brethren
Issa thread My school had five hostels, containing about 300rooms, spread across three floors. Hall A and B for boys, Hall C and D for ladies, and one small PG-hostel.

They were all built like a square with an open center. Boys could visit girls and vice Versa

This be a story of the first time I entered a plane.After years of rivaling Israelites of old in the fine art that trekking is, and being a brand ambassador for all forms of road transport, I finally hit the skies.And of course it wasn’t without event.

Brethren
Issa thread I can understand why sometimes when doing something for the first time most of us instead of asking questions, prefer to wing it. Because sometimes you ask people questions and instead of saying they don’t know, they’ll form and tell you rubbish or make you feel stupid.

There’s always that one baba in your Neigbourhood who lives alone, is scary as hell and rumored to be the jagaban of wizards. The one you think of while praying “witches fall and die” at night.

As kids, inspired by our village people, we ate his chicken

Brethren
Issa thread Baba white was a feared old man. Always dressed in a red or black Jalamia, his head skinned, his eyes red and deep set.

if while playing football our ball entered his compound, brethren it was Goodbye. Because are you a fool? You want to collect it?

Today, I went to a rich people’s church and I want you to turn to your Neigbour and slap him/her if they dare say money is not good.

Being there was a lovely experience and I swear everything was different.

Brethren,
Issa short thread Where do I even start from? Is it the pastor talking small small you could almost mistake it for a whisper. A classic example of ‘akant shout pls’ not all those pastor Cletus that’ll be shouting at God as if na quarrel. My friend keep quiet

I do not know who I offended in this life but i swear, dogs do not like me. From huge dogs like German shepherd and rotts to even bingo, ekwuke, àjá that can gbera or not, and even booski.They all love to chase me and I have several stories to prove this.

Brethren
Issa thread Back in secondary school, as SS2D class captain, i was detailed to go visit Chioma who had been absent from school for 3days without reason. I and my asst. Edet got to her house say 4pm and knocked, and the door opened to reveal her Tower of babel tall Pastor Father.

Where you ever in that class where no day goes by without y'all receiving mass flogging? Like if at the end of a day, the class doesn't get flogged, you have to take a cane and flog yourself because your day is incomplete.

That was SS3d for me.

Brethren,
Issa thread The entire school was tired of us.Our list of misdemanour could fill an 80 leaves 'black book' and there would still be more to write.From organising Garri carnival in class to 2 doing BF and GF(a big crime then) to giving Abdul urine disguised as la casera cos he was a snitch

Sometimes when village people want to destroy you, they don't come at night,  pressing your neck with background music playing 'ekukuleku kuleku' 

No!

They come as friends.Friends named (enemy of) Progress.And they come the day you receive your first salary.

Issa Thread. Fresh after school, I was working a 60k job.60k 2 d company but for me, it was 60 thousand million naira.For someone whose account had seen that kind of amount only when people send me their school fees to pay, when that first alert entered, Eureka! Brethren i was rich at last.

Brethren. You see some quiet babes ehn, fear them. If they bring out their 50shades of ROYGBIV and show you their inner Christian,Muslim,Hindu and Sango Grey, you sef go fear.

In my younger days, I met one.

Iss Another Thread o
Enjoy! I honestly wish I could say this thread also involves Progress my unfortunate friend but no. Though I know if I trace it, somehow he must be involved.

So I met Tomi. A Quiet, seemingly naive babe, older than me. I was 21 she 26.

I liked her and she liked me we weren't dating

This is a story of how one babe wanted to kill me with sexual enjoyment.

Brothers, stay woke.Forget forming coitus Jagaban and Igodo part 1: conqueror of the evil forest.There are some babes you'll Jam, you sef go believe.

Issa Thread It is sad, that like my last thread, this one also begins with Progress.

I was in my room, in final year, when he comes in and says we should go hangout and drink because "you know. No beer in heaven

As a New year approaches, I remember when I, @UchennaNG and another friend, nearly died on my Birthday, because we went to a party and rocked some Cultist's babe in another school.

A Thread. I was in my room Jeje oh. No plans for the day whatsoever, when my unfortunate friend comes in like oboy party dey for IMSU. Ah! IMSU? The land flowing with babes and honeys? I quickly donned my israelite garment, ready to leave my Egypt of a room.