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Tech bro. Satirist

Aug 21, 2018, 45 tweets

I had a friend from secondary school who lived in a 'hood' behind my estate, his parents couldn't afford him a university education so during holidays I would hangout with him in the 'hood'.

One day I went to visit him & almost got myself into trouble😢

GHETTO LOVE😭

Thread!

His house was a 'face me I face you' so I would usually walk through the passage down to his room to knock, that day I knocked a couple of times & got no response;

"Ta ni yen!" A tiny female voice finally spoke from within, "It's me!" I responded in English

"Hello Boda Ushena"

"Boda moshoodi is nor arand" Aaliyah said immediately she opened the door & saw me standing, "he has went to carnival" she added.

'Moshood' my friend was a full time 'street boy' who had dreams of being an independent businessman.

"Where is the carnival happening?" I asked her

For some reason I was excited that he was at the Carnival; because that meant that I would go locate him there, the last time I was at a street carnival was when I went with a childhood friend 'Tosin' back in the late '90s.

She described the place to me, I thanked her & left!

Locating the venue wasn't difficult as I heard loud blasts of Fuji music from afar, Moshood was an active 'street boy' so I assumed he would be one of the boys at the helm of affairs.

I sighted a canopy from afar & I saw some boys sitting there;

"He should be there" I thought..

As I moved closer into the compound I noticed some boys sitting in groups, they made a little pathway with their chairs so I decided to walk through it when I sighted someone that looked like moshood

Suddenly!!

There was a sudden clash of shoulders between myself & another guy!

"Şe oju ė fò ni!!" He yelled as he tapped me on the chest, I wanted to be a 'gentleman' by politely finding out what the issue was; but I quickly remembered what moshood had told me about 'street language' so I pushed him on the chest too;

"You dey mad?!" I fiercely responded!

We had immediately drawn the attention of people & our little 'clash' was looking like it would result to a fight, "Kilo n şele afeez?" I suddenly heard from behind me.

I looked back & realised it was a young girl, a young beautiful ghetto queen at that;

"Alejo mi ni" she added

Her presence calmed the tension almost immediately, 'Toyin kilode?" Afeez responded & she further lied to convince Afeez & friends that I was their stranger.

My mood switched from "ginger" to "what the fuck is going on?" in split seconds, "Let's go" she said as she held my hands

I followed her without asking questions; as I walked with her hand in hand I looked back & could see angry faces thirsting for my blood

"Oloun lo yo e!" One of them yelled as he pointed at me, "Omo na God save me true true o" I thought

Suddenly, I felt someone tap me

"Ogbeni!"

"They have finally caught up with me" I thought, as I looked up I realised it was my friend 'Moshood'

"Oh Ogbeni!" I said out loud, we had called each other 'ogbeni!' since secondary school & it was now a part of us

"I never knew you knew Toyin" he said, "we just met" I replied

"Take care & be careful" Toyin said as she let go of my hands, "odabo Boda moshood" she said to Moshood as she headed towards the main venue of the Carnival

I stood there lost & came back to life when moshood tapped me, I looked & realised we were standing close to another house

"Guy how far?" Moshood said out loudly, at that point I realised we had all being communicating at a loud tone; I could hear the screaming from fans who cheered a local Fuji music band

In a bid to calm myself & understand what was happening I pulled him into the unknown compound

"Guy wetin dey happen?" I said as I closed the gate behind us; this unknown compound was peaceful & seemed empty;

He asked what happened & why I was holding hands with Toyin looking like a lost puppy;

"I no know say you find me come" he added.

I then explained how I got there!

"No mind those boys" he said, "if dem disturb you again just let me know" he added. At that point I realised they were low ranked boys in that 'hood';
"na we dey run things for this hood!" he bragged.

I then became calm & confident, we left the compound & headed to the Carnival.

I partook of the Carnival & watched Fuji & Juju bands perform; it was a nice scene to behold, eating 'Jollof rice' & drinking some bottles of cold beer was the icing on the cake.

Moshood made sure I was well taken care of, it was soon time to leave I started searching for Toyin!

"I for like thank Toyin before I go house" I said to Moshood as we walked towards exit, I could see the sun set & wanted to get home early;

"I think she went far" he replied, "ok, thank her for me when you see her" I said & he said "no wahala"

I left the Carnival & headed home.

I went back to normal 'holiday mode', I decided to spend most of my days reading & eating; "no unnecessary outing this period" I said to myself.

I had fully activated my introvert mode & had finished reading my 3rd book one morning when my phone rang

I looked to see;

Progress!

"Guy you dun check your 2nd semester result?" He said - "results dun dey portal!" He added & ended the call

"What kind of strange call is this from Progress?" I thought as I redialed his line

"Switched off!"

I tried again & it was still off, "What's going on?" I thought

I marked where I had stopped reading & closed the book, I placed it under my pillow & stood up - immediately I grabbed my phone to leave the room it rang!

"Zik calling"

I picked the call & spoke to Zik, while we talked I asked if the result was out & he said yes;

"It's online"

We soon ended the call; I tried to access our result checking portal on my Blackberry phone but I had run out of BIS, I thought of what to do & finally concluded that I'd take a walk to a cyber café.

I grabbed my wallet & left the house, "I hope my results are good o" I thought.

I soon got to the café & went to buy some 'time' from the café attendant, I turned to walk to the nearest vacant computer I saw this girl struggling with filling details on a website.

I decided to ignore, as I took steps forward I suddenly heard someone tap me

"Excuse me"

Yes?

I looked at her direction & swiftly tried to capture her facial image & also respond to her signal of distress

"Moshood friend!" She said out loud as she saw me, "Toyin?!" I reacted with a slight shock; she was looking different

"I didn't know it was you" I said calmly

"Is me"

Toyin was looking 'cleaned up'; she had a pink top on a blue jeans & also smelled nice - "I don't even know your name" she said as I stood close to her right hand

"My name is Uche" I said, "oh Uche" she replied - "you're igbo" she added & I nodded;

"What do you need help with?"

She pointed to the screen & I realised she was filling out her 'Post UME' form online; "I don't know what to put here" she said

"Ok let me see" I said as I took a proper look, I took a better position, grabbed the mouse & key board from her & assisted her with filling the form.

I soon finished with Toyin & went to locate a vacant computer, I logged in my 'time' & went straight to check my result;

I had all A's & B's with an exception of a 'C' in MRT 307, "not bad" I thought.

I clicked on "print" & as I turned to my side I realised Toyin was gone

Hian

"When did she leave?" I thought, I notified the café attendant & he assisted me with printing my result.

I left the café & headed home happy; it was noon already so I got home, freshened up, ate some food & went back to my book.

Few minutes later I heard a knock on the door!

I was home alone & was only expecting my parents & siblings to be back by evening, I went to the door to open & to my greatest surprise it was Moshood;

"Ogbeni!" He hailed, I looked behind me & I couldn't believe what I saw - Toyin was with him!

"Toyin you're here!"

"Yes"

I welcomed both of them in & offered them food & soda, as they ate & drank I engaged Toyin & got to know her better

I asked her why she disappeared from the café & she said she had to run errands for her mother;

I then tuned the TV to Afmag Yoruba & we all watched together

It was soon time for them to go & they stood up, I thanked them for coming & also gave Toyin my number;

Moshood had told me earlier using the bro coded language that he had nothing to do with her.

"Take care, we go talk later" I said as I saw them off

"Alright bro, later!"

Fast forward..

I had freshened up & got set to sleep when I started to think of Toyin; she knew how to clean up & had great ambitions

"I want to be the first female governor & President of Nigeria" she had said earlier;

"It wouldn't be bad to be the 1st gentleman of Nigeria"

While in my excited mood which was influenced by the red wine I had drank earlier that evening; I felt vibration from beneath my pillow, I slid my hands through & reached for my phone, it was a call from a strange number!

"It must be Toyin" I thought, I didn't save hers earlier.

"Uchman the hitman!" Progress yelled from the other side of my phone, "how far" I said as I responded in a low tone

He asked why my voice was low & I told him he just cut short my vibe, "which vibe?" He asked & I suddenly realised I shot myself in the foot

"Now I must tell him"

Progress would make sure I say whatever I had in mind, I also can't lie because he would detect;

I ended up telling him about Toyin, I told him there's a possibility I was beginning to like her already

"You fall in love with ghetto child, you sabi drink şepe?" Progress asked me

I told him I didn't understand his question & he said I shouldn't worry about it, "when I enter Lagos we go talk the matter" he said & hung up again!

"Hian!"

I dumped the phone & stayed on the top of my mind till I finally slept off..

The next day began a new phase in my life!

I started thinking of Toyin more often than usual, I soon caught myself thinking of what to do to impress her;

"Maybe I should start drinking şepe" I thought, "or update my playlist with some Fuji songs too" I thought again

"Is she a Pasuma or Osupa fan?"

"This love sef"

I tried to stay true to my new introverted way of life but after 3 days I could no longer help the constant thought of Toyin;

"I have to go see her" I thought, the next day I finished all I had to do before noon & headed straight to Moshood's house.

"Ogbeni!"

"Ogbeni!"

I went in & he turned on the T.V. for me, few minutes later he came with a cold bottle of Coca cola & handed it to me;

"Do you want me to call Toyin?"

"Aah ahh! Sharp sharp?!"

"I know say you like that girl"

"Guy! You dun too sabi me, oya call her"

"No wahala, I dey come"

Moshood left me alone with the T.V. on, I tuned the TV to CNN & tried to keep myself abreast of the world's happenings.

Few minutes later I heard movements by the door, I looked back & saw Toyin standing there looking so pretty with a beautiful smile.

"Uche"

"Toyin"

"Welcome"

She walked in gently & sat beside me, I completely forgot I was watching CNN & focused on TYN - "You look nice" I said yo Toyin & She thanked me

We immediately connected & got talking, the chair we sat on wasn't the best of chairs but I didn't notice;

I knew I was in love

Suddenly! (Somebody say suddenly)

"I like you" I said to Toyin!

"What?!" She responded with rather strange look in her eyes

"What's the problem?" I asked & she pointed to the window, I looked back & saw Afeez standing with 5 other boys holding cuttlass & pointing at me angrily

I knew there and then that my life was over;

"Where is Moshood?"

"What would happen to me?"

"Chineke nna!"

..

I didn't know what to do next, but I sure did something next. You want to know what happened next?

Stay glued to my page till next Tuesday for the concluding story

Thanks for reading and retweeting today's episode of #StoryTimeWithUche

Follow @StoryTimeNG for updates on #StoryTimeWithUche follow me Instagram & SC @UchennaNG
Find out what happened on "Ghetto Love2" come next Tuesday.

HAPPY EID MUBARA

SEND MY MEAT OR NO PART 2😒

Okbye😁

These guys lease vehicles for any kind of event in Nigeria; be it for a wedding ceremony, a few days trip around the west or for construction in Makurdi.

You live in Lagos (island) and need a top quality producer to make good music with kindly contact @KUDAY_VZA

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