Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

“Smell am!” He screamed, pressing the cold metal on my nose.

“Wetin be dis?”

“Na gun” I said, as boiling point urine dropped on my boxers.

Guns are sexy in movies when with it, the actor kills 95 bad guys. Not as much in real life, pointed at you.

Brethren
Issa thread

Brethren, I live my life I no like trouble.

Yet somehow, even in the most innocuous situations, these village Chinwetalu Agu et al manage to sneak wahala into everything.

I had enjoyed four blissful months with Pamela. A very adventurous young lady, fun and crazy to be with.

We met at the birthday Dinner of someone hanging somewhere on Progress’s family tree.

He said the celebrant was his Aunty’s brother’s friend’s cousin....

I zoned out after cousin like “Baba abi food go dey? Let’s go. Happy birthday to your grandSister.

Wetin concern me?”

Pam was one of those “I know you. Bad boy. I won’t be one of your conquest” babes.

I had to work hard for it. Like work really hard.

Kings you know how hard it is when you’re trying to show you’re not like other guys, when your birth certificate says Segun OtherGuys Johnson.

The heart is a funny thing you know. What started out as let me just have fun with this babe, in time morphed into dreaming that I was on the titanic, Celine dion singing her heart out while I’m holding someone’s daughter at the bow of the ship, whispering sweet things to her.

She too had started liking me. I could feel it on a molecular level. But she was hesitant.

One minute she’d be all over me and then for another year, she would keep me waiting outside her hostel, for hours, then end up telling me she’s busy; Go home Stephen.

Ha!

I remember lying down in my room, my heart aching, wondering what’s up this babe?

Then my Phone rings.

Brethren. Need I tell you who?

Incoming Call: Progress

“Stevothepapi! Stevothepupa! Stevothepaparampampapapapapam!“ He hailed

“How far Progress”

“Stevhoe! See as I Dey blow your trumpet! You too bad! Kai! Tell me? How you use do am”

“Do Wetin again Progress Abeg I no get power this evening.”

“That babe don monkey for you”

Untrue to his nature, this time he had good news. Pam’s friend, his Sister’s Aunty’s uncle’s whatever, had told him how Pam felt about me and wanted to know if I was for real”

“For real? Stevo no be China o. He’s the real thing” Progress had responded

“PrOlosho!” I hailed him

There are babes who need to be comfortable with you before they unleash their inner Domitilla.

Pam was one. Once she was convinced that I had her best interest at heart, babe cut off the Angel’s wings on her, grew a horn, proceeding to kill me with devilish enjoyment.

Four months went by very quickly. We were inseparable. She could hold her own in a conversation, articulate as can be, never boring, same as in a mekweversation, where our bodies did the talking for hours unending.

Amem somebody?

Amem!

We were in town, attending a party Progress had invited us.

Please don’t ask me how he knows about all the parties happening. I cannot firmly tell you how.

Just know that even you reading this now, if you were to be planning a party then, he knows Charlèy. Progress knows

At the party, I was at a corner catching up with a childhood friend I hadn’t seen in a long time, while Pam was on the dance floor with a friend, doing some ungodly moves with her waist.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a guy drag her from the dance floor and I’m like ehn?

I excused myself, walking towards them. The young man still gripping her hands, seemed angry.

“Excuse me Chief! Any particular reason why you’re harassing my girl?” I said, removing his hands from her wrist, regarding him in the most menacing look I could conjure

“Oh! So this is the Stephen, eh! Nice one” he said

“yes I’m the Stephen” I responded.

“And You’re The Who?” I asked.

“You’ll know me very soon” he said walking away

“You say wh..”

“Steve let’s go” Pam cut in.

Oh god! me that wanted to show I can be your hero baby

Outside, I asked who that was.

“I’m sorry about that Steve. That’s my crazy Ex, Ferdinand”

“Oh! That’s him?”

“Yes. He’s been on about getting back together but I told him to go away. He’s crazy and dangerous and I don’t want that life”

You don’t say?

Listen to me king/queens, Sometimes when someone says their ex is crazy or something in that line, it is easy with your head buried deep in love to think it’s just an expression, only to later have a mad man chasing you to bite and you realise true true they meant mad azzin kolo!

During pillow talk and all them tell me about your past gist, she had intimated to me that her ex had been violent amongst other things.

Though I had taken it serious, it took happenings over the next weeks for me to realise, she had dated the number 3 guy in a feared cult

Though he had instigated the break up, it appeared hearing the news that she had found love, pushed Ferdinand over the edge.

First I got Letters. Ok no! Not letters. Letters start with Dear something and end with yours sincerely.

“You are a walking dead” is hardly a letter.

More notes and letters found their way to me. Whatever logistics company these cult guys use for delivery needs to be known Cos I found notes, smeared with blood sometimes, in the craziest places.

Fam! I wanted to remove towel from line to bath and another threat note fell off

Meanwhile Pam loved me harder than before. I too was determined to die there.

After all, what is that thing they say; Find what you love and let it kill you.

But after what happened next with the cult boys, I realised those “they” that said that thing, don’t have sense.

Walking back from a show I had gone to do MC at night with some of my guys, men dem materialized out of nothing.

Before I could even find my bearing and run, one of the guys cleared me so hard I rose to the sky shook hands with the lord before hitting the ground.

“Stevhoe ba? Stevolosho! Stevothepapi abi?” One of the guys hailed.

Na you dey chop our Oga babe abi?

I wanted to tell the guy that no Abeg I’m SteveJesus, StevePraisethelordohmysoul and that if anything, the only thing I was in the habit of eating was holy communion.

A couple more slaps, kicks here and there,and I realised cartoons aren’t joking when they paint pictures of seeing stars when brute force hits you.

“Smell am” he said putting the gun across my nose.

The smell was unmistakable; it was the putrid smell of death

More beatings.

“Feel am” he said. As I ran my shaky hands over it, tasting blood in my mouth.

“See! Once you see Pam, run. If you wan live, just run”

“What did I say?” He asked

“Run” I replied

Oya now begin run.

Brethren, I fast sha! Usain who?

At home, the person staring back at me wasn’t Stephen.

There and then, I realised these guys meant business and were not just trying to improve their writing skills with those notes they had sent me earlier.

They meant business and I had bought market. Two containers of it

I tried to avoid Pam. See I like love but I like life too.

I packed my Bags to my friend’s place in Uniport. At least till things cooled off a bit

As ONOS would say instead trouble go happen, Make rain fall make everybody enter inside house

Hard as it was, hurt as I was, i had trying to explain to Pam, see babe, I’m three months from graduating. I can’t wreck it all.

She wasn’t having it. “But no! You’re leaving me Stephen! This isn’t what you promised me. Fight for our love”

Sis! I no get gun na, haba?

Sleeping in my friend’s room, in far away port harcourt, two weeks after the beating incident, I heard a knock on the door.

Who is it? I got no answer.

The knocking continued.

I dragged myself out of bed and unlocked the door.

PAMELA

Before I could say a word, babe don knack me kiss. It was warm and tasted like home.

How we humans do it, I can never tell. How we can be wearing 5234 items of clothing and manage to lose it all in less than one minute when the spirit of mekwe descends is an eternal mystery.

Brethren, I, who had decided before then to stay away from this babe as much as I could, watched all my restraint melt as we went at it as if to quench aeons of thirst.

I’ll not lie, at that point I was ready to risk it all like make dem come shoot me sef.

Till...

“Open this door now!” We heard a gruff voice scream.

“Open it now” or I break it down, it continued, banging violently at the door.

Hei! Blood of Nebuchadnezzar. I am finished. I am gone o

StevOCalltoGlory oh!

Chai!

Na wa o.All the way in Port-harcourt?
But it wasn’t them. It was my friend’s Landlord, coming for his rent. My friend was owing. I then understood why he never stayed around.

This would be the first time in history anyone would be happy seeing a landlord owed rent.

Welcome sir

She spent another three days with me in PH and I decided to damn the consequences and return to school.

Same way people get Dutch courage after they drink alcohol.

The mekwe had given me courage such that I even believed there was a way to resolve this amicably

Back in school,

I called Ferdinand, and asked to meet in town, somewhere open, in town, closer to his own school, believing if I could talk to him, I could make him see reason.

But brethren! The guy was really crazy. It nearly ended in fisticuffs

He marveled at my guts. Oh! So you’re still loving her.

I tried to explain that I had done everything to push her away but it wasn’t working.

“You’re a dead man bro” those where his last words to me and truly truly I say to you I started thinking of what my epitaph would carry

Back in School, no one to talk to, I called Progress like baba, change my name for your phone to Stevothegoner.

Progress listened attentively and said to me “Stevo why you no tell me since! I go take care of am. You no know me baba”

Know you? This boy has come again

I repeat. Guns are only sexy in movies.

When you’re in your room, drinking beer with your guys, and three hefty boys burst in, guns pointed at you, and you hear the safety click off, that excitement that grips you when an actor does it is replaced by fear.

Serious fear.

I was in the room, drinking with Progress, ONOS and Uju (related to Progress somehow), when the door got kicked in and we had guns in our faces.

Scared as I was, Progress looked unfazed, Uju laughed loudly, while ONOS by the look of things was deader than my ancestors.

I find it deeply unsettling when people laugh in the face of danger. Even the guys with guns were surprised.

“Wetin Dey funny you? Talk before I waste you”

In my mind I’m like better say you remembered an old joke o. Cos I don’t get it

So Una get mind dey point me, J-Storm gun abi?

Una get mind!

Kai! I don suffer Uju kept saying.

My friend can you get to the point I said in my mind, but it seemed just that name J-storm struck a nerve with the guys with the gun

“So na Una Be Ferdy boys ba?

Progress na the guys wen you say dey trouble Stevhoe be this ba? See make I tell you. If Una no want problem from Pope! make Una no ever for Una life again, disturb this boy”

The guys looked perplexed.
Wait so all I had to say since Na pope? Wow

Cos if me and pope find una or that nonsense Ferdy! This town no go contain us. Una know as e Dey go. Una know.

Now leave here before I change my mind

And like magic! The guys left

“Stevhoe” Uju turned to me, they’ll never bother you again.

Baba if you could make men with gun cower away, I believe you. In fact I adore you. In fact offering time! Blessing time!

Turns out Uju, Progress’s father’s Aunty’s inlaw’s something was a number 2 in another cult

“Shebi I tell you not to worry, Stevodadida! I know people. I know men! You no know me oh! You no know me”

“PrOlosho! Progressweydeymakesense” I hailed

At least for once you try dey useful.

“If anything. Call me or pope” Uju said, handing me their numbers.

Amen bro! Amem!

That Night, to celebrate what seemed like freedom at last, I called Pam over.

Not to blow our own trumpet but the mekwe was

ParararamParaaaaaaaaaam! Pam!

Thanks for Joining #TalesbytweetLight his weekend.

See you next week Friday, same time.

Check my likes or the next week for more threads

With love
Uncle Stephen.

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