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Tech bro. Satirist

Aug 28, 2018, 67 tweets

"Shebi God dun catch you today omo yibo!" Afeez yelled from outside, I was confused and didn't know what to do;

I immediately stood up & walked towards the window with my arms wide open, "bros e e never reach like that" I stuttered!

GHETTO LOVE 2😭

THREAD

#StoryTimeWithUche

I suddenly heard a bang from the door & I instinctively assumed it was Moshood, "ah thank God!" I heaved as I turned back;

To my greatest surprise it was Toyin that had escaped leaving me behind, "Toyin has left me!" I wailed!

"Why didn't I even think of running away" I thought

"Jamiu!" I suddenly heard someone scream from outside the door, I made a move to run when I saw the other boys running & chanting

"This is the day I die!" I wailed within as I headed towards the door, immediately I grabbed the door knob to turn it open I heard a shout;

Ogbeni!

Moshood was here!

"Guy no worry I dun pursue their papa!" He calmly said as he walked in, "they can't do you anything!" he added.

I was still in shock so I asked if they'd gone & he said yes, I asked him what was going on & why they were trying to attack me;

"Don't mind them!"

I told him if it was because of Toyin then I'll stop coming & also stop seeing her, "Don't let this boys stop you from coming!" He replied

At that point I realised he didn't want me to stop coming to his house, "where's Toyin?" I asked & he said she left;

"Alright I have to go"

I told him I'd come back later but I wasn't sure; all I could think of was getting home to think of my next line of action, "let me escort you" he said as he walked me down to end of his street.

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

We went our separate ways & I was finally able to catch my breath!

I made up my mind not to visit Moshood again, "Afeez wants to kill me because of Toyin" I thought.

"If I have to see Moshood again then he should come to my house"

As I walked down to my house knowing the coast was fully clear, I brought out my phone to check for messages

Id gotten miased calls; even from Progress too so I called him back

"I dey call you since!"

"How far?"

"My cousin come back from abroad, e dey happen here"

I thought it would be nice to hang with people from 'the abroad'

"Food dey?"

"Food dey!"

"Oya send me address!"

It took me just one 'Okada' to get to the address Progress sent because it was in my neighbourhood, I soon got to the street & identified the 'big red gate' he had described in the text & knocked.

"Uchman the hitman!" Progress shouted as he opened the gate;

"How far?"

"I dey!"

He walked me through the compound, as we walked into the living room through the front door Progress introduced me to this funny looking man;

"That's my cousin" he said,

"Good day everyone" I waved & everyone responded, I immediately turned my eyes away & found a seat.

"Guy sit down make I bring food for you" Progress said, "food?" I asked & he said yes - I immediately began to experience endless joy.

"Ok no lele" I responded as I sat down, my eyes went round the house silently searching for white men/women

"Maybe they're inside" I thought..

I looked to my right & realised I was sitting next to a young boy who was 'battling' with a huge piece of meat, I'd barely balanced my gaze at the Television screen when I saw progress walking down with a tray of food!

"Correct nigga" I thought as he placed it in front of me!

"Oui Monsieur" This boy next to me echoes as he responds to a phone call, "oh they must be from France" I thought again.

I decided to forget about their 'origin' & focus on the food, specially grateful for it because my family had gone to 'RCCG camp' & I was 'alone' that weekend

"Shey this guys na from France?" I asked Progress when he brought me some water, "No o!" He exclaimed - "they came all the way from Benin Republic" he responded!

"What?! Na Benin be abroad?"

"Of course!" He replied & walked away! As soon as he moved we heard a bang on the door!

"Egbon I dun show! A ti de!" This plump looking guy said spreading his hands as he walked in, he had 2 bottles of wines on each hand. As he walked in some ladies walked in behind him;

"This is some serious shit" I thought.. Before I realised what was happening a party had begun!

I hurriedly ate & joined the party, I was given a few drinks & unlike my usual self I wasn't interested;

All I could think of was Toyin;

"All the Fuji songs I learnt because of her has wasted?" I thought, while I began shrinking into my introverted mode I felt someone tap me!

Everywhere had gone dark when I looked up, with little or no assistance from the LED light on the T.V. I noticed Progress smiling as he placed his right hand on a girl's shoulder!

"Meet Kike" he said, "This is Uche" he said to her as he introduced us;

He then turned round to go

"You guys should enjoy" he said as he walked away leaving me confused, "hi Kike" I said as I stretched my hand to offer her a seat - luckily the guy sitting beside me had gone so there was space for her..

Still in my confused state I started thinking of what to say to 'Kike'

I tried to ask questions that could spark up an 'intelligent convo' but she gave me the 'one word replies', it was already very dark & I couldn't see her facial expressions;

"What does she like?" I thought, "seems I'll go home" I thought again

"Yaay See 9ice" she suddenly said!

I finally got a cue, I asked if she loves '9ice' & she said yes - I decided to go down the Fuji ladder instead of climbing up the hip-hop echelon

"Do you like Fuji music?" I asked, "I love Fuji music" she replied & I could feel my spirit man rejoice

"My research wasn't a waste"

We started talking & I wasted no time unleashing all my recently acquired knowledge of Fuji music on her, the party was going well - drinks were flowing so I just enjoyed the evening in general.

"Do you want to get out of here?" I asked Kike & she looked at me;

"I don't mind"

I looked up to tell Progress I was leaving but I saw him making crazy dance moves in the dark while the others chanted "go Progress!"

I decided to let him have the time of his life while trying to make sure my Friday night was going to be 'lit';

"Did you come alone?"

"No!"

I asked her who she came with & she started to search the house with her eyes, "it's dark I can't see" she said - I asked where she stayed & she simply replied "Mushin"

"Hmm okay, you can find your way home in the morning if we go to my house?"

"Where's your house?"

I told her I lived in the same neighbourhood, "okay let me ease myself" she replied as she stood up. "Alright no problem" I said as I watched her leave

Suddenly!

Kike bumped into Progress who was dancing to his "go Progress!" Chant, "oh sorry dear ghetto queen!" Progress said!

"Ah it's okay" she said as she left for the bathroom, I grabbed Progress by his wrist - "hope say kike no be witch o?" I asked;

"No o! Na aje she be o!"

"And she dey stay for mushin?"

"Ehn! For the tush part na"

"Ehen?"

"Yes! I dey come!"

Progress left & Kike soon returned!

It was time to go & I didn't know how to tell Kike that we were going to go home with 'Okada', "Mushin girl should have climbed Okada before right?" I started to think & she suddenly tapped me

"Are we trekking to your place?" Kike asked, "No we'll take bike!" I swiftly replied!

"Are you ready to go?" I asked & she said she was, we finally left for my house without seeing Progress. We got home around past 9pm & luckily there was power.

Immediately I got in & turned on the lights I saw my cousin Princess watching cartoon;

"You didn't go to camp?"

"No!"

I asked Kike in & directed her to my room, "uncle mummy say you should stop bringing girls to the house" Princess said immediately kike entered the room;

"If I slap you, my friend go and sleep!" I said to Princess as she immediately stood up, "put off that TV" I added & went in!

We both freshened up & had a brief discussion before proceeding 'trying' to the business of the night;

I tried to start a final conversation with Kike she suddenly started to cry!😐

I asked why she was crying & she immediately stopped crying, looked at me;

Goodnight

Goodnight

...

I woke up to a knock on the door early the next morning, I went to check & it was Princess!

"I want to sleep in your room, I'm afraid" she said immediately I opened the door, I looked at the time & it was 6am;

"I have to go now!" Kike said from behind me;

"Thank you Uche"

She was fully dressed already, Princess was standing at the door looking like a lost puppy! We suddenly heard a knock at the front door

"My parents must be back from camp" I thought as I walked out to get the door, I got to the front door & to my greatest surprise it was Toyin!

It was the most confusing moment for me as I wondered what she was seeking for at that time of the day, "Toyin, why are you here so early?" I asked

"Uche I'm going home!" Kike echoed from inside as she walked towards me, "is that your girlfriend?" Toyin asked

'No.. Not exactly'

As soon as Kike walked closer to the door & I opened the door further, I was shocked at my further discovery!

I saw Afeez & 2 other guys standing outside, "what's going on here?" I asked & Toyin asked me to 'calm down'

"I bring them to apologize" Toyin said;

"By this time?"

Toyin explained how they came early to help her sick mother open her shop early that Saturday morning, they needed to make sales in other to raise her 'clinic bills'.

"Ok, wait"

I signalled Kike;

"Let me walk you"

I called Princess to lock the door & left when I saw her come!

"What could they possibly want?" I thought as I walked Kike to the 'Okada' park, "Alright take care" I said

"Let me have your number"

I dipped my hands into my pocket to bring out my phone & I couldn't find it, "Oh it's at home" I said

"I'll get your number from Progress"

Ok

"Bye"

"Bye"

Kike hopped on a bike & rode off, I hurried back home to go see Toyin and company! I got to my house & shockingly I didn't find them outside

"Hope Princess didn't allow them in?" I panicked;

I knocked on the door & subsequently opened it; it was open

"Princess!!"

Princess ran out from the room, "where are they?!" I asked her & she said they were gone - I was relieved so I went into my room, immediately I got in I remembered my phone

"Where did I drop it?"

I checked everywhere while trying to bring back the last memory of the phone I had

I remembered replying to my friend 'Joe' on Facebook the previous night, "wait?! Did kike steal my phone?" I thought

"Chai I'm finished, Progress dun package thief for me as babe o!" I wailed, "Uncle what is it?!" Princess asked as she ran in;

"Its my phone, have you seen it?"

She said she couldn't find it, "maybe that aunty took it" she said - "she resemble thief" she added

"Even Princess knows she's a thief?" I cried within, "Progress has finished me o!" I mourned

"When mummy comes I'll tell her, she'll buy another one for you"

"If I hear pim"

It was the worst Saturday morning in my life's history, I asked Princess to go & sat down to think of my life.

I sat down for hours thinking that I didn't know when my parents came back from camp;

"No more party, no more girls, just God & studies!" I said to myself.

Hmmm chai!

I concluded that I would forget about Toyin!

Kike too!

"I'll turn a new leave.. I should give my life to christ"

I concluded to yield 'alter call' the next day in church, I went about my Saturday activity while concealing the news of my missing phone & plotting to buy another!

The next day at church I sat in front in a bid to focus on the Preacher, I didn't want to get distracted by all the 'Slay Queens' in church!

The sermon finally dragged towards the end & it was time for alter call;

"Come out If you want to give your life to Christ"

I stood up!

The church was quiet, slow melody came from the piano as I gently walked to the alter.

I stood there alone but the Preacher kept persuading people to 'come forth'

Suddenly!

I noticed someone stand beside me;

I peeped with my corner eyes & to my greatest surprise it was Toyin!

I was about to react when the Preacher suddenly laid hands on me & started to pray!

He finished praying for me, did the same & asked us to go!

-------------

After church service I stepped out yo exchange pleasantries with old friends;

"Mayowa long time!"

"Ushena how far?"

..While I talked to Mayowa I suddenly remembered Toyin; "I don't understand what's going on"

"Make I give you my number" Mayowa said as we rounded up, I told him to take mine because I lost my phone;

He dipped his hands into his pocket to bring out his phone but didn't find it!

He excused himself to go on a search for his phone, as he moved away I saw a young man who looked like Afeez;

I took a second look & it was Afeez walking out of the church!

"What's going on?"

I looked behind him & saw Toyin, they walked out in a 'single file' through the exit!

I went home that afternoon filled with several thoughts, "how many goats & chicken do I need to appease my village people?" I thought

I had my lunch & laid down to sleep, minutes later I heard a knock on my door!

"Uncle mummy say we should go for house fellowship"

"Thunder..."

I laid down again to observe my usual Sunday afternoon nap when I heard another knock on the door;

"What is it?!"

"Uncle is me princess

"I said get out of here!

"That aunty is here to see you"

"Which one?"

I Quickly stood up to go see who it was;

Toyin!

"Hello Uche"

"Hi"

She immediately began to apologize for 'ghosting', "it's okay" I said. I asked her in when I noticed it was just Princess & myself there were home.

She came in & this time we went to my room, we sat down & began to talk about different things;

I then felt my mumu button come on

We soon began to move closer to each other; "now that we responded to alter call we can't kiss right?" I asked - "What is alter call?" She asked!

I reminded her about the incident at the church & she said Afeez persuaded her to step out, "just shut up & kiss me!" She added;

We'd barely kissed for 5 minutes when I heard a knock on the door!

"Princess what?!" I shouted, "mummy dem are coming" she replied

"Ehen?!" I replied with a lower tone, "I have to & help my mummy" Toyin said as she stood up - She asked if I'd visit her later & I agreed!

"Sure"

She went home through the back door, my parents soon got in & I immediately went to freshen up to go visit 'Moshood' that evening😒

I emptied my body spray in a bid to smell my best; I took a stroll towards Moshood's house, I got close to the house & saw people gathered outside!

I took a closer look & saw 2 police vans parked in front of the compound, some women were in front crying while some others spoke in loud tones!

"What's going on here?"

I walked closer & saw some people clustered while policemen moves around;

"Seems like Moshood is in trouble"

"Ogbeni!" I suddenly heard from behind me when I'd moved very close, I turned back & saw Moshood walking behind me;

"Ogbeni!" I respond, "wetin dey happen?" I added & he pulled me aside.

He pointed towards the scene & started to narrate what was going on;

"Some boys go thief!"

He told me how some boys went to rob a church & the CCTV camera caught their faces, "they stole over 100 phones" he said - "they've surrendered some of them" he added

As we were talking from his mother's shop beside his house I saw some policemen bundling some boys into the van!

"Is that not Afeez?!" I exclaimed when I saw Afeez being dragged in his trousers into the van, "he's the one - even Toyin is among them" he replied

"Wait, which Toyin?"

"The same Toyin o!"

I was still trying to process what Moshood just said when I saw Toyin being dragged out!

The wailing continued & more women & children joined the wailing team, "has everybody finished identifying their phones?!" One of the policemen said!

"Let me check if my phone is there" I said to Moshood, "did you lost your phone?" He asked & I said yes.

I went close & peeped!

I schemed through the collection of phones & saw various types, I looked closely & suddenly found my phone!

"That's my phone!" I said, "can you prove it?!" One of the policemen asked & I said yes.

I turned it on & luckily my wallpaper which was a photo of me hadn't changed

Ahh

I took my phone, thanked the policeman - as I made a move to leave the phone started to ring!

"Progress calling.."

"Damn! This boy na monitoring spirit?" I thought as I swiftly left the scene to pick the call in private;

"Guy I dun dey call you since, exam go start next week!"

"Hello! Hello!"

I looked at my phone & realised that the call had ended, "what's going on?" I thought - "less than a week without my phone & we are writing exams?"

I then decided to call other colleagues from school & they confirmed school had resumed, "I dey school/ Zik said!

We ended the call, looked up to the sky & went silent for few seconds. "So it was Toyin who stole my phone, and they came to rob my church?" I thought

I looked back to bid Moshood goodbye but I didn't see him, I thanked God for saving me from Afeez & the gang as I went home!

It was soon time to go back to school & I had boarded a luxurious bus heading to Owerri, I placed my luggage, went in & sat by the window.

Few minutes later my seat partner came towards me & when I looked up I got a shocker!

Kike!

"Uche!"

"We meet again"

"For good this time"

I found out that her mother was from Owerri; the same 'village' where I lived in in school.

"I'm going to spend some time with my grandma" she said as we talked.

We got to Owerri that evening & exchanged number, I got to my house & she went to her granny's

#StoryTimeWithUche

I got home & freshened up, as I stepped out of the bathroom I heard a knock on my door - I went to check who it was & to my surprise it was Kike!

She had come back & was standing with a bottle of red wine.

We spent the rest of the night talking, eating, drinking and off course!

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