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Tech bro. Satirist

Oct 2, 2018, 28 tweets

One day I was traveling to Abuja by road, I was to stop at Gwagwalada to see my cousin who schooled at the University there.

We got to Benin-Ore road & suddenly became 'Pressed'

"Driver abeg I wan piss!" I screamed

7 Days in Gwagz 😭

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#StoryTimeWithUche

The driver told me he would have to get to a particular restaurant before stopping, "You want make I shit for body?!" I reacted & everybody in the bus turned to look at me;

"Driver stop for am na" one man backed me & the driver finally agreed to park beside a bush

I jumped out!

"I'm sure it's the Ukwa I ate" I thought as I raced into the bush, I soon found a perfect spot - I bent down to take care of my business!

Minutes later I started to hear gunshots, "armed robbers o" I cried as I suddenly stopped purging

"Where's my mummy?" I wailed in the bush!

I began to hear tyres screeching & people panic, I thought of what to do - I finally decided to remain in the bush for as long as I needed to;

"Snake should not bite me here o" I thought as I adjusted my clothes & found a better spot to hide..

Minutes later I felt total silence

I decided to wait for few more minutes, when I was sure there was absolute quietness I gradually stepped out of the bush;

I got out realised my bus was gone!

That was the day I started to wonder if my village people were watching me on 3D, I looked around & saw shattered glasses on the floor;

"What's going on?"

"My luggages"

"What would I do?"

"How do I get to Gwagz?"

These and other questions ran through my mind as I panicked!

I stood there with my hands on my waist, looking left & right - hoping that something would happen;

Suddenly I saw a white Toyota Sienna pull over few metres away from me, the driver came out & started to urinate by the bush

I decided to walk down there to try my luck

As I walked down I touched my pocket & realised my phone was with me, I became a bit relieved while still walking towards the Sienna - when I got closer I noticed the driver hurrying into his car!

"Hello! Excuse me sir!" I signalled, but before I got to the car they'd zoomed off

"Oh Lord, why have thou forsaken me?" I wailed, I stood there for few more minutes making several attempts to flag down any bus passing by

None stopped!

I decided to see what I could do with my phone, I brought it out & there was no network;

I was in the middle of nowhere!

I stood there thinking of what to do, I decided to pull off my top & wave it in the air to signal distress - I'd seen them in the movies so I thought to try it;

Luckily my shirt was white so I took it off & started to wave it in the air;

Minutes later a black Toyota SUV stopped

"What are you doing in the middle of nowhere?" This young man said as he stepped out of the car, I heaved a huge sigh of relief; calmly explained what happened to him while the other passengers in the car listened

"Where are you headed?"

"Abuja"

"It's your lucky day, come in!"

I thanked them a million times as I joined them, they were headed to Abuja too & it was my lucky day!

The car was more comfortable & there were 2 other passengers inside, I put on my shirt & made myself comfortable in the car as the driver drove off!

"Thanks for your kindness"

Driving in the SUV was supposed to be more comfortable but as I took a proper look at the two other guys in the car I became scared!

They weren't smiling, they placed maximum focus on their cell phones & only said a few words to the driver when necessary..

"...Am I in trouble?"

I brought out my phone again & this time a paper came out of my pocket with it, I looked & realised it was my bus ticket!

I looked at my phone again & there was 2 network bars;

I decided to call the numbers on the ticket!

"...The number you've dialled cannot be reached"

I stopped trying the numbers & immediately opened my BBM app, I noticed some new notifications so I decided to go through them;

I saw an update from this guy I'd been wondering how he got to my BBM, "maybe a former contact sold his phone" I thought

I closed the app

Suddenly! One of the guys in the car spoke, I didn't hear what he said because he spoke in a language I couldn't decipher - his voice was deep & scary!

"Hope these men wouldn't sell me o"

While thinking of how to get my luggages from the bus company I'd entered; I looked up to see where we were & all I could see around were bushes as we drove through the bush path!

I looked around & saw no signs of humans

"I said it! These men wants to use me for rituals o!"

The three men began to communicate with each other in a 'foreign language', I tried to act cool even as I was dying inside!

"Excuse us, we'll be right back" one of the men said looking at me in the eyes, I nodded in response as I looked the other way to cry within

"God why?"

While I was wailing within I looked further into the bush & saw a sign post, the men got down from the car & walked towards the bush silently chatting each other - I decided to come out of the car to survey & act!

I waited for them to walk further into the bush before coming off the car, I gently walked towards the sign post I'd seen earlier - when I got closer to read what was written on it I got the shocker of my life

"The Beloved Confratanity of Ogboni" was what the sign post read

"It's not me these men would use as sacrifice!" I said to myself as I started running out of the bush, I followed the pathway the car had created while driving in & as I ran outside I was shedding tears too!

I soon found my way out & in no distant time I was at the main road!

I decided to keep running so that those men wouldn't be able to catch me should they decide to come for me, as I was running I saw some buses clustered far away from where I was- I kept running!

I soon got where vehicles were clustered & found out it was an eatery for travellers

I saw different buses including one from the company I'd boarded, I felt a bit relieved so I went to locate the driver of the bus so that I could show him my ticket

I soon found one of the passengers standing beside the bus, I walked up to him to narrate my ordeal.

He immediately felt pity for me & helped me locate the driver, we soon located the driver & took my ticket to take a look - "na today all these things dey happen?" He asked & I told him yes

"Nawa o, na God save you" he said, he then told me to join their bus as they were leaving

That was how I escaped from "armed robbers" & "ritual killers" in one afternoon, the other passengers soon filled the bus & we drove off - luckily the bus was headed to Abuja too so I finally relaxed & tried to enjoy the ride!

"Finally, a ride to my destination"

When we got to an area of better network reception I called my friend to tell him I was safe & headed to Gwagz;

The day soon began to darken & in few hours we arrived at Gwagwalada, I got off the bus - thanked the driver & other passengers for their kindness & gently walked away

"Come our park tomorrow come check for your bag" the driver said, I told him I'd come as I crossed to the other side of the road to take a bike

My stay in Gwagz was only for 7 days - it was filled with drama, troubles & of course

Mekwe!!

You want to know how this story ends? Watch out for the concluding story on the next episode of #StoryTimeWithUche

The story just began!

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