Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

This be a story of the first time I entered a plane.After years of rivaling Israelites of old in the fine art that trekking is, and being a brand ambassador for all forms of road transport, I finally hit the skies.And of course it wasn’t without event.

Brethren
Issa thread

I can understand why sometimes when doing something for the first time most of us instead of asking questions, prefer to wing it. Because sometimes you ask people questions and instead of saying they don’t know, they’ll form and tell you rubbish or make you feel stupid.

You’ll see one well dressed brother, wearing a 26.7 button suit,looking like perhaps he has sense, then you’ll ask him “brethren please where is abu street” instead of saying I don’t know, he’ll direct you to the first turn on your left only for you to see welcome to hell fire

When I got a job after NYSC and they were going to send me abroad for training, I was elated but also afraid. Brethren I never enter plane before. I had passed airports and knew ok! Yes! That’s where airplanes stay but now my first time now want to be international.

Wawu!

To make it even worse, my handlers in the company just assumed this one has wizard face, he surely flies a lot. But little did they know that my feet were deeply rooted on solid ground. I couldn’t ask some of the questions that plagued me lest I be thought a “bombastic element”

The day of my first flight drew close and filled me with an equal mix of dread and excitement. I mean who wouldn’t be happy to go abroad. My mother rubbed me enough olive oil for me to grow olives. Whilst also casting binding and tearing all the eyes of the evil one.

Amem?

At the end of the prayers,my head was shining so much that I was scared they would turning me back at the airport for “over shining forehead”

Listen 2 me never under rate village people o. They can do and undo. And lord knows that This abroad something must be a do for me Abeg

The protocol guys at the airport showed me where I was going to check in, where i would be searched for drugs,as Asian countries had a death penalty for drugs. Not one 2 receive a call of glory, I did away with the panadol in my pocket because village people can make it cocaine

After my bag was searched without incident, I grew in confidence so much that I thought maybe I was a traveler in my former life. This no be anything. I walked to check in like it’s nothing. Got my tickets like it’s nothing. Walked to immigration like it’s nothing.

One woman, looking at me and deeming me a doyen in airport activities walked up to me and asked for directions which I pointed out to her, young Padawan that she was in this flying thing, remembering when I was like her, all green and confused. Wow! How time flies

I scaled immigration with all their “ fine boy give me dollar” requests and walked to the waiting lounge for departure. See the difference? Departure not park.

Brethren I must note here that I thought I had arrived a party. My god!! come and see people in their Xmas clothes

Looking around I was convinced within me that mid flight, snoop dog will announce “ welcome to soul plane” and a huge ass party will begin. I had already mapped out one or two babes that I would present myself to for grinding. Listen he who fails to plan, plans to fail. Amem?

Dragging me out of my thoughts was a voice over the P.A saying something. Why they always use that nasal voice to talk only Ogun knows.

I saw others who I knew were on the same flight with me lining up and na me go carry last? I joined them abeg.

I walked to the plane with so much swagger that nah even I started doubting it was my first time. I was made for this. Near the entrance I realized passengers were presenting their boarding passes to the hostesses who would direct you to your seat. I quickly retrieved mine

When the Oyibo hostess looked at it and said “sheqweoaoshsh Mr Stephen enjoy your flight” I was almost going to respond eh Cos I didn’t hear her like a first timer then I held myself. Before I fall my hand in front of two cuties behind me who came str8 from heaven for the flight

I got to my seat, stowed my bag with my laptop away and settled in. There’s an earphone 2 watch movies on the screen infront of you, as well as a small blanket just Incase you get cold during the journey sorry flight, just look at this when-I-was-in-Egypt spirit rearing its head

For some reason, where I was seated there were only white people around me. All the blacks just dey pass Dey go back. I started wondering. Am I sitting in the wrong place? To make matters worse, one Oyibo came near me and was looking like guy stand up from here

But me? After all that olive oil? I die here. It so happened he had the wrong seat and after a while the plane was eventually peppered with enough black people that I became comfortable

Up next, time to wear seat belt. I mean I had seen it in movies. Cross it round and clip it

But for some reason first I couldn’t find the clip side, then when I found it, I watched carefully. Very carefully as others did theirs. I rounded mine on my waist and click! Their daddies!!!!! it entered!

Then it was time for take off. Brethren I couldn’t shout

As a first timer, when the plane is lifting up and shaking one kind, it takes serious grace not to shout. I focused my thoughts elsewhere as I held on to the seats with enough poise not to betray how I was dying inside. I even plastered a smile on my face like “so nice!” Wawu!

When the plane had settled in the air, everyone was turning on the screen in front of them. I mean it was a touch screen how hard can it be. Brethren help me ask my village people. Cos I turned it on, it came on, showed ICE (info communication and entertainment) Oya entertain me

I pressed the E. And nothing happened. My seat partner, a French woman, I saw her press the same E and it came up with various options.

Me I pressed E again o, no show! Na wa o. The lady beside me, seeing me in distress pressed the E same way I was and using the same finger

And guess what? It changed

I turned, smiled at her, that kind of smile when you know you’ve messed up, and told her thank you To which she replied “oui monsieur” is it not oui that wee kee you.mtcheww I was so pained ehn.

Oya screen has changed abi is to press and select movie

I said the lords prayer as I stretched my finger towards “Con air” whose trailer was on the screen. I couldn’t even attempt scrolling through the other movies. Pressing never work Na scrolling go work? As i closed my eye and stretched my finger, the entire plane held its breath

I opened my eyes and brethren praise our master Jesus! Adore him! Glorify him! Give him a thunderous cha Cha cha Igbo kwenu.The movie started playing. As is usual with me, in no time I fell asleep

Hours later, someone tapped me and you won’t believe it..chai you won’t believe it

Brethren it was all a dream. One big fat dream.......................

A dream within a dream

Oh wait! Don’t be angry I’m joking.
It wasn’t a dream. I was still on the flight.

Which kind dirty dream. I myself made sure it wasn’t Cos I pinched myself when i stirred awake. If na dream really and person wake me up we would have had serious problems. Cos if it’s when village people are pursuing me nobody will wake me now abroad dream you want to wake me

My French friend had tapped me awake. It was time for food.
Confirmed!
I remembered seeing a menu that contained the inflight meals and i stared at it again and I was lost. It was gibberish. No Eba and soup. There was rice but it either had one funny prefix or suffix. Wazzaldis

Which one is brown rice pilaf Abeg children of god. Why give a humble rice big big surname to corrupt it. Rice now has first name and last name. Na wa o!
I realised that first they were serving tea or something. The air hostess rolled the meal platform to me.

Tea or coffee she asked? For some village people reason, I responded coffee. She said something that sounded like black or white and in my mind I felt like I rep mother Africa Abeg give me black! Cream or no cream? My sister before you put Vaseline inside Abeg no cream Abeg

Next she asked sugar or no sugar. One would think the answer was obvious but when I said no sugar she looked at me like guy you bad oh and I found out why soon enough. Brethren what I put in my mouth was international agbo a.k.a native medicine that had international exposure

drank it, dying inside yet when the lady beside me asked nice right? I even did one small oooh and aaah to add effect like I wasn’t being crucified on the cross of the coffee.

Then they started serving food. I looked at the menu like lord open the eyes of my understanding

They got to my seat and the French woman picked something that sounded like “dhwuwhaushd with vegetables” to which the hostess replied excellent choice.

She then turned to me like sir what will you be having? Are you asking? My friend give me excellent choice too Abeg

They serve you the food, together with some chocolates cakes etc and it’s usually in a sealed foil. My French friend started with chocolates but me wen hunger wan give me belle men I tore the food open.

Brethren brethren what I was seeing I was not understanding Abeg.

Trust me it was rice but rice and what was the problem. There was a whole lot of grassy looking things with one green sauce, raw tomato and many other things my eyes had not beheld before.

Blood of Obama what’s going on?

I didn’t know where to begin me wen sabi select food

I jejely poured juice and feigned deep interest in the movie on my screen. I wanted my friend to Start first make I see as dem Dey chop the food chalè.

She finished eating it and there was pure satisfaction etched on her face.

Ok na! I grabbed a mouthful of grass

Almost instantly I could feel my goat horns protruding from my head. I could even feel a bleat “mmmeeeee” struggling to escape from my throat.

But instead make food waste make belle tear.

I shoveled more grass in, helping it with juice.

Madam French turned to me about the food and said “ wonderful oui” I wanted to swear for her and her grass eating generation but I responded excellent choice!

I thought the storm was over but it was just brewing Cos few minutes to landing I heard a familiar rumble

My system, tailored to understanding rice with suffix was protesting vehemently like bros what is this that thou has done to us?

It rumbled ever so loudly, that it was beginning to sound like turbulence.

The plan landed safely but I couldn’t spare a minute. I was off

I located an airport toilet and damn did I make it rain. I raised the temperature way way above room temperature. And after almost 10 minutes of virtue leaving me, I breathed the fresh air of freedom! If you know you know brethren there’s nothing like that relief

I had an interconnecting flight in about 30 minutes so I tidied myself and another problem presented itself. Brethren I couldn’t flush the toilet. I looked for where to press but brethren nothing. I tried all the levers nothing. But why must shitting too be hard?

I couldn’t bring myself to abandon every. And just when I had lost hope and I closed the lid and whoosh it flushed. I had no time to wonder how what was what. I escaped the men’s room to the stares of some people looking at me like bros so Na you wan kill us?

I checked into my next flight, settled in and fell asleep Cos I was drained from doing the number 2. Only for me to be woken by a familiar voice again saying sir what will you like to have

Aheuwuwyysh with juice?

Or

Sheywuyaha with water?

In my mind I’m like you people again? You want to ruin my career ba. So I can release in this plane and they’ll carry news that “popular humor writer sinks plane with fumes” See Aunty give me water. Just water not black not white no cream no sugar Abeg!

Thanks and God bless

The end.
Thanks for joining another hilarious episode of #talesbytweetlight. Read laugh RT

With love
Uncle Stephen

Read more humor stories here