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Tech bro. Satirist

Apr 24, 2018, 72 tweets

"Let's meet at my office" Mr John sent & I became excited, I'd been chasing this deal for moths so I hurried

I was at the bus stop when this beautiful girl alighted from a bus with heavy luggages "can you please help me?" She said as she looked at me.

Young John 😭😭

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I carried the heaviest of them all & held another on my right hand as I struggled through the muddy road, she kept thanking me all through till we got to her gate.

When I dropped the bag I realized I had stained my top, she started to apologize & told me to come in.

"I'm sorry"

I told her I would take care of the stain because I was running late for a meeting, she insisted & pleaded that I come insaying she have a top that'd fit me.

"Hmm. Ok" I agreed

"You can put this on, I'll wash this & you can come get it on your way back"

I pause for a minute...

I'd been chasing this deal for a while, the facilitator had been asking for bribe but I told him I didn't have money. I was surprised when he invited me for final interview so I didnt want to get there late.

I took it from her & changed into it.

"Not bad"

"Yeah. Fits you"

I thanked her & told her that I would come get my top on my way back& dashed off. When I got back to the bus stop I finally got keke to oshodi.

I was really running late for my meeting so I told the keke man to hurry, "I need a new car" I thought to myself

We soon got to oshodi & I got a bus heading to Ikeja, we got into Ikeja & our bus suddenly started jerking.

"Driver what's going on?" One of the passengers asked, "na fuel o" the driver responds.

"Ooooh! What kind of problem is this?!" The passengers screamed

I looked out through the window of the bus & I realized my bus stop wasn't really far away, the road was quite empty & my chances of getting another bus was slim so I decided to jug down.

"Excuse me" I said to the girl sitting beside me, she adjusted a bit & I got out of the bus

I started jugging down to the bus stop, I looked back & the other passengers were still in the bus. I brought out my phone to check the time & I saw 9 missed calls & 2 sms, they were from Mr John - the man I was going to see.

"Damn I'm late!!" I exclaimed as I doubled up...

I jugged closer to the bus stop & suddenly! I saw this old couple stranded by the road side, they had a flat tyre but couldn't fix it.

"My son please help us" the old man said as I came closer to them, I didn't respond to him & just kept jugging

"Please my son" his wife pleaded

The look in her eyes made me reconsider, I was thorn between catching up with Mr John for my big break or helping the old couple.

It was the hardest spontaneous decision I've ever had to make in my life, after reconsidering their plea I finally decided to help.

"Well"

"Where's your jack?" I asked the man & he pointed at it, I grabbed it & other tools I needed & in few minutes I was able to help them change their tyre.

When I finished i was sweaty & dirty, I dusted myself & made a move to leave when the old man offered me money.

"No thanks"

"I'm very close to where I'm going" I told them as I declined their offer & left, on my way I started to regret ever taking my Honda to Ridwan's shop - he drove it to his girlfriend's house at iyana ipaja & bashed it.

"See what I'm going through because of Ridwan" I murmured

I finally got to the office about 45 minutes late, when I entered I asked the receptionist for Mr John & she said asked me to sit down.

She called Mr John & few minutes later he came out with his bag, "sorry Mr Uche but couldn't wait for you so we offered a more serious person"

"If you had acted accordingly, this would have been yours" he said, i told him i didn't have any money to give him.

"Well, there's nothing I can do about that" he responded.

"What are people wicked?" I thought, I wondered why I had to bribe.

"Alright sir" I thanked him & left!

I had planned to pay my rent with part of the money, & also fix my car. "Nawa o" I wailed as I walked to the bus stop heartbroken. "Another rejection?" I thought.

I was exhausted totally& the thought of my account balance worsened my situation - I had gone bankrupt.

"Chai!"

I finally got a bus to oshodi & on my way I remembered I had to pickup my top from the girl I met earlier, I stopped at her bus stop on my way through the estate & branched to her house

When I got to her compound I sighted a familiar car but I didn't pay attention & walked in..

When I got to her entrance I heard a female voice shouting from her parlour, it sounded like an elderly woman scolding her daughter - I waited a bit for it to calm so that I could knock..

"Who's there?" A tiny voice aske from within when I knocked.

"Its me!"

"Who?"

"Me!"

Few seconds later the door opened & I saw the girl, "Oh it's you, welcome" she said as she welcomed me in.

"So your boyfriend is this gentleman?!" The elderly woman said as she stood up & came close to me, I looked closely - lo & behold it was the couple I helped fix their tyre!

"Daddy you remember him?" She asked her husband as she brought me in, he put on his glasses & identified me - "Oh this young man, welcome my son!" He said.

I stood there confused, I didn't understand what was going on, I turned to the girl whom I didn't even know her name like

"What's going on?" I signalled the girl, she was speechless herself. "This is a nice gentlemen" the old man said, "Sade, we told you about a young man that helped us with our tyre when we were coming?" He asked

"Yes"

"This is him" he said

"What's your name young man?"

"Uche"

"Oh Ushe, so you're the boy that has been dating my daughter?" He asked, I was still shocked at what was going on but I started to get a clue.

I wanted to say something when Sade spoke - "Daddy you're.."

"Hold on Sade, let the him speak" her mother countered

#StoryTimeWithUche

It was the most awkward moment of my life, "is helping people a sin?" I asked myself.

"Daddy he's not the guy, I just met him this morning" Sade said.

"Yes sir, that's true! I just returned to collect my shirt" I added.

"You just met & you're already leaving clothes behind?"

I quickly explained to the man what happened earlier in the day, how I met Sade at the bus stop & helped her.

"Sade where were you coming from this morning?!" Her mother asked, she started to stutter

"So you were still in Calabar?" She added.

"Sorry ma"

"Sorry for yourself!"

I tried to calm the situation, I thought of the fastest way & I mentioned to them that I needed to go home because today had been bad.

"I lost the deal I was chasing because I was late" I added.

"Oh I'm sorry Ushe, this is our fault" Sade's father said, I told him it was not..

"Its not your fault sir, the man already asked for bribe & I couldn't give him - he wouldn't have given me anyways" I said to calm the tempo in the house.

Sade brought out my shirt, I thanked her & asked her for the bathroom - she pointed at a door, I went in & changed my top..

"Thank you very much" I said as I stepped out & made a move to leave, "Please come" Sade's parents called me - they offered me an envelope with cash in it & begged me to take it.

"We're sorry for everything Ushe" he said, I smiled, looked him & his wife declined the offer again.

He asked me why I didn't take it & I told him I don't help people in return for anything, I was seriously considering collecting the money but I had to take one shot for team moral

With a very deep regret I rejected the money when they insisted, thanked them all & left the house

"Excuse me Uche, can I have your number at least?" I heard as I stepped out, I turned back & it was Sade.

"Sure" I replied as I turned back, brought out my phone for her to dial her number.

"Thank you" she said as I turned to go, I put my phone in my pocket & headed home

I found a keke immediately when I got out & I entered it to my bus stop, I approached my compound & saw some people gathered outside.

All I could hear was indistinct chatters so I had no clue what was going on, I was too tired to stall so I went in & saw my neighbours fighting..

"This people don't even have problem" I said to myself as I shook my head & went in, I had my shower, ate dinner & went straight to bed.

The next morning I woke up to a knock on my door, I went to see who it was & when I opened I was shocked to see my landlord.

"Good day sir"

He came to remind me of my rent, "it's been 3 months now young man" he said, I calmly pleaded with him to give mee time.

"Its because you're a young man that's why I'm lenient with you" he said, I thanked him for understanding & he left.

"Na wa o, what's all this?" I thought.

When I got inside I got a message from Jenny, "I'm free today" she wrote. I became very happy as I had been trying to get Jenny to go out on a date with since we met, though she gave me a bill of N50,000 which I couldn't pay I was still happy.

"I grabbed my phone & called her"

She ageeed to meet at ICM that afternoon, I was excited because I really liked Jenny. "Jenny could bring joy & goodluck" I thought.

I did my chores while I thought of who I could get some money from for the date, "Progress! Yes!" I thought, so I called Progress.

"Guy how far?"

"Ok send your account number" Progress said towards the end of the call, I was so happy that I sent it even while the call was ongoing.

In less than 2 minutes I got a credit alert for N10,000, "Guy you too much abeg"

"Enjoy your date" he said

I thanked him & ended the call!

I hurriedly finished what I was doing, showered & got dressed, then called Jenny to confirm the time. "I'll be there before 3" she said.

It was 2pm already so I dashed out, on my way I stopped by the ATM to withdraw.

I finally got to the mall & met Jenny at Rhapsodies.

"Hi"

Jenny was fun, she had things to say & she made conversing easier. Her sense of humour was top quality so it made my jokes easier to flow, I was having the time of my life & forgot my worries.

"Maybe I'll ask her out" I thought, even though she seemed like a lover of money...

While we were still drinking & laughing I looked for the right moment to attack with 'Toasting 101', I finally found it & before I opened my mouth to talk; someone tapped me.

"Uche, how are you?" He said, I almost threw a punch by reflex - I angrily turned to see who..

Mr John!

"Uche what are you doing here?" he asked, "is this fool blind to see that I'm on a date?" I thought before telling him I was on a date.

"You're a big boy o, drinking in Rhapsodies?" He said, "last I checked u were broke" he added.

I felt like I was dreaming, "who is this fool?"

"I came to drop my 4-matic & pick my Camry" he said again, I became furious & tapped him - "Excuse me I'm on a date" I said, "No it's ok let him freely speak" Jenny said & I became shocked!

"What's going on here?" I thought, I was so angry that I couldn't stand them anymore..

I told Mr John & Jenny (who were already introducing themselves) to excuse me, I angrily walked to the bathroom to cool off.

"Am I dreaming or is this real?"

"Mr John, spoiling my date?"

"Jenny too acted like it's nothing?"

Thoughts ran through my mind till I finally came out

To the greatest surprise of my life Mr John & Jenny were gone

"Funke!!" I wailed, "Is this a joke?!" I thought, I went to the attendant who served us & he told me they'd left.

"They haven't paid for the drinks, he said you'll pay" the attendant said.

"Wait, what?!"

"Yes sir!"

I paid, picked up my phone to call Jenny but it was switched off, it still felt like I was dreaming till I went outside & waited for 30 minutes & there was still no signs of them.

I decided to count my loss again & go home, on my way I got a call from Progress

"I dey Lagos guy"

Fast forward

I dragged myself home in sadness & regret, I was full of questions for the world but I tried to keep calm & motivate myself.

I finally got home, showered, ate dinner & went to bed.

While I was sleeping I dreamt that Mr John & Jenny were Mekwe-ing , I woke up like!

I got up, went about chores & returned back to hustling.. Weeks went by, I was also still in talking terms with Sade, we texted on WhatsApp from time to time.

Going about my daily I activity one day, I got tired & needed a break so I decided to call Sade.

"Hi there"

"Hi"

She responded in a low tone so I asked her what the problem was, she told me that she was not feeling too well. "Oh sorry, have you had anything?" I asked & she said she was alone.

I wanted to ask of her boyfriend but I told her I was coming to see her, "That'd be nice" she said

"Alright then, I'm coming" I said as I dropped the call & immediately dressed up. I sprayed my goodluck perfume & dashed off.

Few minutes after I was in her house with food & fruits, I knocked & she opened. She was glad to see me, she looked amazing even in her sick state.

"Hi"

I went in, gave her what I brought & she ate. "I'm so grateful" she said & i told her it was fine. She had barely put the next pineapple in her mouth when her phone rang, she looked at the phone & ignored it.

"Why aren't you picking?" I asked & she said it was her boyfriend

"He hasn't called all day & he hasn't even been around" she said, "I think he's cheating on me" she added.

I told her to be sure he's cheating before concluding & she told me she barely heard from him ever since she left his house, "e may be busy" I responded.

"Really?"

"Yes"

She thanked me for being kind, gave me a hug as I was about to leave & I almost started to catch feelings.

"Goodbye" I said as I went home, when I got home I started to think of Sade - I was starting to like her, she was kind & soft spoken.

"If only her boyfriend was cheating"

The next day I got a call from Progress, "Guy I dey plan surprise birthday for my babe" he said. "Stevo & KK dey come" he added. I got excited as I was finally going to cool off with a party

"No lele"

I go update you

"Ok"

I dropped the call, minutes later my phone rang again!

I looked to see who was calling & it was Sade, "How are you?" I said as I picked. She told me she was fine, we talked for a few minutes & she told she needed my company.

I got excited as I thought I was finally going to spend time with her, "I need to run a few errands" she said

I didn't even bother asking what the errands were before I accepted, I was already frustrated with everything around me & thought I needed a break.

"I'll come pick you" she said, I concurred & immediately started to freshen up

Few minutes later Sade called

"I'm outside"

"Ok"

I met her outside & we left for Gbagada, it was an Uber so we both sat at the back & got talking.

Her smile in the midst of her complains was admirable, she told me how she was fed up of everything around her, everyone taking advantage of her including her own boyfriend.

Hmmm

I kept consoling her without even paying attention to what she was complaining about, "nobody should treat you in a bad way" I said in a bid to avoid entering the friendzone.

We finally got to Gbagada & she made a phone call..

"Ok I'll be there" she said as she ended the call..

We got to a hotel, the uber driver ended the trip & I paid him. She thanked me for paying & I told her it was okay - even though it was my 'last card'.

"I'm at the reception" she said angrily as she made a call, her sad face made me unhappy & I assumed it was her boyfriend again

"How can someone be treating this good girl this bad" I thought, I turned to Sade & told her to calm down. "I'm here for you" I said.

While we were talking her phone rang, "see me here" she said as she waved - I looked to see who she was waving at, lo & behold it was Mr John

"Mr John again?!" I thought as I angrily stood up & went straight to him, "so it's you?" I said with anger in my face. "You think you can ruin my life & get away with it?!" I said with fire in my eyes.

"What are you doing with my madam?" Mr John replied.

"Who's your madam?"

Sade interfered, "What's going on?", I told her about my ordeal with Mr John. "He's a corrupt man & a cheat" I wailed, "He doesn't deserve you at all!" I added.

"Deserve me?"

"Yes! He doesn't!"

"How do you mean?"

"Isn't he your boyfriend?"

"Who?"

"Mr John"

"No he's not!"

"He's our company staff, infact he's an ordinary IT student" Sade said

"Come again?"

"I came to collect my car which I gave him to use for sometime, my parents are coming from Ibadan so I need it" Sade addes.

"So you're just an IT student?" I asked Mr John who just kept mute..

At that point I felt like dying, "ordinary IT student na em run me black like this?" I mourned, "I'm finished!" I thought.

"You're dead!!" I screamed as I pointed at Mr John & walked towards him angrily, Sade held me & told me to calm down.

I calmed down & Sade faced Mr John..

She asked him where the car keys were & he said it was with Jenny & she was coming down with it, I thought it was the same Jenny until Sade asked if it was the Jenny from laundry department & he said yes.

"It can't be the same Jenny I thought until suddenly I saw my Jenny coming

"What are you doing here? I asked as she walked down, "you two know each other?" Sade asked me, I told her she was the same Jenny I talked about.

"What's going on here?" I asked, "She works with us" Sade said - "she's our head cleaner" she added

"Head what?"

"Cleaner?"

"How?"

I was as confused and lost as the children of Israelites when they left Egypt, Sade looked at Mr John & Jenny & demanded an explanation from them. They finally confessed that they work together to extort money from potential clients

"Wait, you two are partners in crime?"

"Chai"

I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I looked at them & didn't know what to say. "Let's leave" I said to Sade, she collected her car keys & told Mr John that & was fired.

"You too Jenny" she said as she turned to her, they both started to beg.

"Sorry ma, it's the devil"

"Devil?"

Fast forward

We went outside, located the car, got in & drove out. On our way Sade got a call from her parents who told her that they were in her house.

She asked me to go with her & I agreed, I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea.

We drove off while I just hoped for the best...

We headed to her house & on the way the whole picture got clear to me, Sade's family owned the company I was seeking business with & both Mr John & Sade worked for them.

It was the most awkward moment, we finally laughed about it & planned to tell her parents the full story too.

We got to her house, she parked & headed straight to her house.

"Surprise!!!" We heard screams as she opened the door, we got the shocker of our lives when we saw her parents standing with Progress, Steve, KK & others

"Its a lie!"

"Baby!" Sade screamed as she hugged progress!

Progress was Sade's boyfriend, all the dots started to connect because he had told me about a corper he fell in love with in Calabar.

We all introduced ourselves properly, ate & drank as Sade told everyone about my ordeal with Mr John & Jenny & everybody laughed at my pain..

😎

"You lucky bastard! So Sade is your girl?"

Progress laughed, "she's my baby" he replied. Everybody laughed, "you're lucky it's you, I'll have taken her from you!" I said.

"Abeg o!"

"You'll handle all our projects henceforth" Sades dad said.

"Really?"

"Yes"

Thank you sir!"

STOP LIVING FAKE LIFE & MOST IMPORTANTLY LEARN TO RENDER HELPING HANDS TO PEOPLE IN NEED.

Thanks for reading & retweeting today's episode of #StoryTimeWithUche

Visit my pinned tweet to catchup on previous episodes. DM for enquiries.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

THE END

Get the fresh street anthem #Onyeoma from the one and only @phynofino. It's available on all your favourite blogs, also visit his Instagram page to partake in the giveaway.

#Phyno #Onyeoma #Uche #StoryTimeWithUche

Get this fresh new jam titled GIN & JUICE from my homeboy Deco Suave ( @Watchdecosuave )

It's too dope for my liking

soundcloud.com/decosuave/deco…

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