#MyStory
My name is Johnnie Jae aka the Brown Ball of Fury. I am from the Otoe-Missouria and Choctaw Nations of Oklahoma. I have spent the last 29 years surviving Lupus & the last 23 years surviving bi-polar disorder and suicide.
My first suicide attempt was when I was 15 years old. I had 2 more attempts in my 20's. My last attempt was when I was 31 years old & since then I have come a long way in my healing & understanding of mental illness and suicide.
What has always scared me about my suicidal tendencies is that not a single attempt was premeditated and I wasn't having suicidal ideations at the time of my attempts. They were impulsive actions taken when I was in crisis....which is another thing that scares me.
I'm high functioning & tend to be manic. I've learned to use it to my advantage but the downside is that I don't notice when I'm spiraling until I'm already in crisis. This is why my greatest fear is that despite my best efforts & determinaton to live, I will still die by suicide
meh just realized it is 4 am so I will finish this tomorrow. night for now.

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More from @johnniejae

Oct 1, 2018
One year ago today, One year ago today, I was in Washington D.C. I was given the honor of opening the speaker portion of the March for Racial Justice. @CSPAN c-span.org/video/?c474557…

#m4rj #marchforracialjustice
For a moment today, I thought to myself...I don't know how I managed because I was pretty broken. My entire life had fallen apart just a week before, I had no money, I had no home and my heart was shattered and I honestly didn't think I was going to make it to D.C.
But I did because of Dorcas Davis and the entire #M4RJ team, because of the people who follow my work online. It was a passing thought "I don't know how managed" because as soon as I thought it, I knew how I managed.
Read 5 tweets
Oct 1, 2018
RAPE HAPPENS. FALSE RAPE ACCUSATIONS HAPPEN. One does not negate the other & should not be use to invalidate the experiences of those who have been raped & those falsely accused of rape, just as FEAR of rape & FEAR of accusations of rape should not be used to vilify each other.
Seriously. FEAR is valid, no matter how irrational it is. But FEAR is not justification for discrimination, hate, rape, or any other form of violence. This is America & we already know how FEAR has been weaponized to divide us politically, socially, economically, racially, etc
How long are we gonna keep that cycle going before we get tired of running in circles and having the same discussions over and over again?
Read 4 tweets
Sep 30, 2018
#femaleblackout...Why do I get the feeling this ridiculous thing was concocted by a White Feminist, especially since Blackout Day is a day in March to celebrate Black Voices and Excellence.
*SMH* #FemaleBlackoutDay.....LITERALLY Silencing women....GTFOH. Guess I'm gonna be a little louder today, a little more present cuz I will not be silenced and definitely not gonna silence myself.
While I'm on the topic of this #FemaleBlackoutDay...do folx realize just how ignorant it is to ESPECIALLY ask WOC....INDIGENOUS WOMEN to blackout their profile pic and to remain Silent...."so the men wonder where the women are"?
Read 4 tweets
Sep 29, 2018
Oooh just got a schedule for #IndigenousComicCon and it's going to be AMAZING! Get your tickets at indigenouscomiccon.com and come see me at the following panels:
Sometimes Dead is better: Colonialism through the lens of horror films.
Indian burial grounds, cursed amulets, cannibal tribes. In this discussion we look at the ways indigenous people are used in horror films and the ongoing fear of the angry savage spirit.
Indigenous Futurisms:The future is a wonderful exploration for Indigenous peoples & some of the best minds are using the concept (established by Dr. Grace Dillon) in creative works to bring amazing worlds and issues to light.
Read 4 tweets
Sep 28, 2018
Uber Driver: "As a man, I'm terrified that at any time a woman can accuse me of rape."
Before I could even open my mouth to say anything, the other passenger, also a guy, said "Why? You the kind of guy that could be accused of rape?
Uber Driver: What the fuck kind of guy is that? Good men get accused of rape all the time.
Passenger dude: Good men do not accused of rape all the time. I've been with a lot of women in my 47 years and not once have I been accused of rape nor have I worried about it.
Seems to me, the only men who fear being accused of rape are rapists and men so stupid that if they're scared of being accused of rape, shouldn't be fucking anyone if they don't know the difference between sex and rape.
Uber Driver: Staring at the dude like he killed his cat.
Read 5 tweets
Sep 24, 2018
It's only 10 am and I feel so defeated today. I don't have overdraft protection on my account because I didn't want to be able to go over and I should have asked questions earlier because my account has been overdrawn a few times but usually no more than a few cents to a dollar
I was worried about a charge not going through because I knew I didn't have enough to cover it...it went through and I got a notice that my account was overdrawn by 7.35 cents...no problem. I deposited money to my account and all was good til this morning.
I deposited $35, which left 27.65 in my account, I spent $21 this weekend. Then I get a notice my account had reached 0 dollars. I check my account & they hit me with a $35 overdraft fee for the -7.35 balance because my deposit didn't register in their system til Sat
Read 7 tweets

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