Mars Jonathan Fields Profile picture
Jul 10, 2018 21 tweets 4 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
With increased interest in #Croatia due to #WorldCup success, here's a short history lesson about the place:

A Slavic tribe named Croatians came to the area of modern-day Croatia in the 7th century, then promply began having sex with everything that moved for the next 200 years.
Some scientists suggest the word 'Croatian' means 'friend', which, with all the Netflix & chill going on, sounds just about right. Anyway, after 200 years of bow chicka wow wow with anything with a pulse, a modern-day nation of Croatia was born.
Croatia wasn't huge on offensive wars, and if you ever went to the place, you'd know why. Advisers to the king were like, yo, dude, we have one of the most powerful countries in Medieval Europe, and there are bunch of little ones around us to invade. How 'bout Duklja?
The King was slurping one of those overpriced fruity coctails in a beach bar through a meter-long straw from a goddamn vase, topless girls waving at him from a yacht they were sunbathing on, Avicii killing it on the decks, and he's like - nah, I'm good.
He wasn't just good. He was great. He made this delicious dark lager that everyone liked so much, we named a square after him in Zagreb, Croatia's capital.
Several centuries later, the country was on the market for a new king.

You know how when you get drunk with someone, they instantly become your new best friend? Well, Hungarians invented gemišt (white wine + sparkling water), which is simply one of the best things ever.
And we were like, wait, we're related, right? And the Hungarian king was like, um, yeah, distantly.

Great, you're the new king of Croatia, cheers mate.
(One time we got so drunk, we made some dickwad in Italy the new king, who sold Dalmatia to Venice when he was short for money.

Took us centuries to recover from that hangover.)
And then the Turks came, and they were like, yo, we come bearing Islam. And we took out a rolled up €50 note and a credit card and they were like - dude, no. It's a religion. What kind of religion, we asked, because religions of that time had plenty of kinky sex shit.
And the Turks were like no nudity, women need to be covered up. "Pass." And you can't eat pork (Croatians LOVE pork.) "Yeah, fuck no." and you can't drink alcohol. "OH HELL TO THE NO!" But the Turks insisted, and shit went down.
Then one time, Hungarians elected some dude we didn't fancy as the new king, and we were like, how 'bout no, and asked Austria to be the new king instead, and then Hungary went fuck it and chose Austria as well.

We've been in a threesome ever since. Or at least until WW1.
We weren't strictly exclusive, as we fancied fucking over/with other nations. Austria was like Czech these Slovakians out, and Hungary was like I'm impaling myself on that Pole, and Croatia was like I'd sLOVEnia me some Bosnia.
Oh, and Turks finally fucked off. Took 'em, like, 600 years.
And then we broke things off with Austria. At first, she was like, I'll give you a third of the Empire, don't leave. And we were like, too little, too late. And she was like, oh yea, well, no one will ever love you like I do.
And we were like, well, actually we've been fucking Serbia behind yo back for the last 50 years, which hurt like a bitch, because last fight Austria had with Serbia is now known as World War 1.

And then we moved out, took Slovenia and Bosnia with us, and moved in with Serbia.
Which turned out to be a disaster. Like, we're a Gemini and they're a Capricorn, and that shit just don't mix well.
It wasn't long before bitch threw all our shit out the window and we threatened to leave and take the kids and the house and all of the money and--

Let's just say the divorce was messy.
One day we're bored AF, just wasting time on Facebook, stalking our former flames Austria and Hungary. And we're like, daaamn gurl, you look good. Fuck it, press poke. And before you know it, we're catching up, we're doing good, they're doing good, it's all good.
And they're like, oh, we in a new union now, and Croatia's like


because we've been in some sort of a union for the last millenium and yeah, we might have a problem, but fuck it, who cares.
And Austria and Hungary were like, yeah, it's all the rage, it's called the European union, and everyone who's anyone is there. Like, Germany's there, Italy's there, Sweden's there... You've met Sweden, right?

Yeah, we've met Sweden.
And we're, like, totally into it, but fuck if we'll show it, so we're like, FINE, we MIGHT make an appearance, IF we don't have anything better to do then.

Took us ages to get ready and, of course, we were the last to arrive, but it feels great to be back with all our friends.

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