For the next 24 hours I will be posting nothing but clips of the Gowdy/Goodlatte Congressional Shitshow™ that occurred today. I would like to sincerely, honestly, with all my heart thank @cspan for bringing me this bounty of absurdist comedy; we are blessed. #HouseOfRepresentin'
We'll start slow with a bit of selective editing. Hey @RepGoodlatte, you should come to our open-mic night; that last one-liner wasn't bad.
Wherein @RepGoodlatte gets served. (Cc: @peetscoffee)
Welcome to Crazytown Calculus II with @TGowdySC. Today we'll be covering hyperbolic functions and simple division.
Point of order: one must actually know what the point of order is before evaluating the merits of the point of order. Oh, and then @RepJerryNadler lays down the law.
The expression on the face of @repteddeutch while watching this orbital-class congressional shitfan spin up and prepare for liftoff are priceless.
Yo dawg, I heard you liked points of order...
"Yeah, by lawyers"
"I move to adjourn" "Second"
"Are we just going to make up rules as we go along?"
"The gentlemen is not in order" "That may be but I appeal your ruling"

This video clip is a national treasure.
I'm beginning to think that @Repgoodlatte and the Country Hyperchicken Lawyer from Futurama might be the same person. Anyway: come for the motion to summon Steve Bannon, stay for Goodlatte making a laughably transparent attempt to cheat during a vote.
While we're waiting, let's check back in with @RepGoodlatte. Aside: Congress has a really weird Muzak subscription.
And here comes @RepGoodlatte again, down the court, fast break one-on-one, stops short to fire off a Freudian slip... he shoots, he scores!
If it turns out this was @TGowdySC whispering to @RepGoodlatte, I'm going to piss myself laughing. Audio amplified for your entertainment. America: just replace Goodlatte with an intercom system; it'll save money. #GoodlatteTheDaft
Followup: sorry, I need to run to the restroom really quickly; it was totally him. #Gowdy
ITT: #GoodlatteTheDaft temporarily loses object permanence and/or forgets which hearing he's currently in the process of chairing.
Hey everyone, personal political opinions are racism now. If you didn't get the memo, it's because @RepGoodlatte used a crayon to write it and made his own stamps out of glitter and glue with poor ventilation.
Guy whispering to #Goodlatte at 0:50: "The office just called on the emergency line... they asked us to, quote, 'chill the fuck out for a second'".
Here comes Sensenbrenner with some breaking news for anyone who has been in a sensory deprivation chamber since mid-2016: Donald Trump won the electoral vote almost two years ago and Hillary Clinton is an avid player of Parker Brothers' Monopoly or something.
Intermission the second.
Guess who's back
Back again
World's largest self-own award goes to @RepGosar. I'm no dentist, but it seems pretty clear who's angry during this segment; it ain't Strzok. #HouseOfRepresentin'
Welcome to CSE256: Congressional Computational Linguistics. Your TA for this course will be @RepMarkWalker's eighth-grade English teacher, Ms. Painter.
Prof. @RepMarkWalker will now lecture on the theory of unlimited SMS cell phone plans, and the proposed existence thereof. #GSM
Volume adjusted for entertainment purposes. After Strzok answers @Jim_Jordan for like the fourth time, someone can be heard in the background blurting out "Damn... there ya go". Mission callout: congressional shitfan is supersonic.
Breaking: "Deep State" Conspiracy Ruled Out as Cause of Presidential Idiocy #HouseOfRepresentin'
Mean Girls 4 starring @MattGaetz (2018)
Intermission the third.
Old Man Yells At Cloud feat. @RepLouieGohmert Pt. 1
Old Man Yells At Cloud feat. @RepLouieGohmert Pt. 2
Old Man Yells At Cloud feat. @RepLouieGohmert Pt. 3

• • •

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More from @AltCyberCommand

Sep 5, 2018
There's so much to quote in here I don't even know where to begin.…
Read 9 tweets
Jul 12, 2018
Politically-motivated fishing expeditions, show prosecutions by local authorities, often performed purely to discredit or shame the dissident: leading indicators of end-stage corruption. When process is abused as a blunt instrument of punishment, the social contract is broken.
Mark my words: they will drop the charges before trial. Probably immediately before trial. This type of abuse of process is designed to consume the resources, time, and energy of a political opponent in bad faith by subjecting them to arrest and the legal process.
Read 7 tweets
Jul 11, 2018
I'm not a veteran. I haven't served. But if I were, and wanted to send a message that the tools, equipment and personnel that defended my life and country aren't toys to be paraded around for a KIA/POW-mocking toddler's entertainment, here's how I'd do it. #1MillionVeteransMarch
I wouldn't look for cash, I wouldn't look for Twitter verification, and I wouldn't look for sponsorship. I'd look long and hard for a small number of well-known and well-respected veterans with name recognition who happened to share my view. Sign them on. #1MillionVeteransMarch
I'd then crowdsource as many personal statements as possible, from the people who have used the equipment that Donald wants to parade around in November for his own entertainment. From the people who stood by those personnel in battle. When, where and how. #1MillionVeteransMarch
Read 6 tweets
Jul 7, 2018
Ladies and gentlemen, meet the disinformation ring responsible for @aItcybercommand – a sans-serif capital I, instead of a lowercase L. These idiots really thought they were clever. I wasn't lying. More in-thread over the next hour.
Let's get this party started. Cc: @AITcybercommand. Note the sans-serif capital I instead of a lowercase L. @Twitter: You have a design issue with real-world consequences; where is the team?
More content from a moron – @AITcybercommand – who thought blocking would shield him. Hint: you're an idiot, it doesn't,
Read 5 tweets
Jul 1, 2018
No single agency should be tasked with handling asylum/trauma/flight cases along with international criminal drug cartels. #BreakTheICE
After the tragic events of September 11th, 2001, "the functions and jurisdictions of several border and revenue enforcement agencies were combined and consolidated into U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement". Maybe it's time to restore normal order. #BreakTheICE
Maybe an organization overseeing investigations into transnational child abuse and human trafficking shouldn't be tasked with detaining and abusing children on American soil. #BreakTheICE
Read 4 tweets
Jun 30, 2018
Hot take: "abolish ICE" is a losing and un-nuanced strategy. The agency does deal with organized crime quite often. IMO: break ICE into two independent agencies, and place asylum and alleged misdemeanor crossing-only offenses under the exclusive purview of a different agency.
And, I mean, come the hell on, the slogan writes itself: "Break the ICE".
Read 4 tweets

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