Thread by @Kalarigamerchic

Thread: on this #MentalHealthMonday I want to get a bit personal and describe what is is like to have my disorder. I hope that by taking a chance and doing this it opens people's eyes to what this feels like. And helps those who still are not sure about speaking up. /1

Hi I'm Tynisa and I have Schizophrenia. But I also get a double whammy of having Bipolar tendencies as well. The doctors officially call this condition SchizoAffective Disorder. I know there are technical ways to describe this illness. But id rather show a more human view. /2

I have always been what is now classified as introverted growing up. Much preferring my own company, or a book than dealing with others. Growing up in a large boisterous family who loved gatherings is bittersweet for me. I often felt out of place and worn out from such things. /3

But I also had an added aspect of myself, which really truly started manifesting itself whenever I got stressed. It started around my junior high school years. By then I internalized a lot of bullying I had in elementary school. Mostly from those who picked on my size.../4

And my color, but I also had a classmate who thought it was okay to feel on me and threatened me if I spoke up about it. I learned early on how to detach myself. Pretend I was not there and zone out, but in junior high even though things were smoother.../5

And I was away from my elementary tormentor, I began hearing things in my head. I knew I could not share that with people. And for the longest time I just kept things to myself and tried hard to keep the mask of normalcy going. By the third year in it was hard. /6

I found that while I could remain calm under most circumstances, that when I was stressed out. Either due to home life (moving a lot tends to make me a bit jarred and we did it a lot back then) or a new crop of bullies I tended to lash out very severely. /7

It was if my emotional control only held to a certain point before me blowing up at someone or something. And fight wise Id get so angry that id literally go into a rage then barely remember what happened after. I still remember the day a guidance councilor.../8

Warned my family that while I was academically capable and smart, that I was at risk of severe emotional and mental issues. And I remember sadly that my mom did not want to think about me having such issues so it was dropped and not brought up again. /9

After this the worse moment of my entire life happened right before I started high school and I was sexually assaulted while hanging out with friends at an abandoned house party. It felt like after that I had to truly isolate myself yet pretend to everyone that I was okay. /10

While inside my mind was a mess, id talk to myself a lot. But I tried very hard to make sure it was never around anyone. Even today outside those who live with me you will not find anyone who can say they catch me doing it. The fear of such is so strong. /11

Some of you reading this thread may ask "well what is this like?" I want you to imagine hearing distinct conversations in your head. Auditory so clear that interaction with it feels natural. I also want you to understand the way moods work with what I have. /12

Imagine being talked into a thrill ride, even if that type of stuff is not your cup of tea. You are coerced on but forces out of your control. And you ride up, you may feel exhilarated at some point or completely fearful and want to ball up. /13

You hover at the top for a bit, it feels good you feel at the top of your game your mind is ready to do and process so much. But then the sharp drop happens. It doesn't matter what is going on around you, once you start that careen everything rushes at you overwhelmingly. /14

Then you hit a low, and sometimes the ride gets stuck there. Not moving and you wonder if you will ever climb back up again. For me I can sometimes even detach myself at that point to. Go numb as I call it but that is not healthy either. /15

Because when I go numb its easier for me to ask internally "why the fuck am I still doing this? Living, dealing with this life that stresses me out and drains me. It is even harder for me to remind myself of why I am pushing on. So I try very hard not to go numb. /16

But in doing that, I open myself up to varied emotions all on a high scale of feeling. When I am sad I cry at things that normally do not make sense to. When I am angry I am extremely livid and its hard to calm down. When I am happy it feels good but off.../17

Like full of energy but I can't get my thoughts together enough to really get things done. Its why I cherish days where I am just somewhere in the middle of it all. And those days with stress are few and far between. Medication only helps so much. And most of the time.../18

It makes me feel zombie like and tired. Its not good for my creative flow at all so I try instead to meditate and eliminate stressful situations. But is is not easy, and many days I fear getting too tired of trying to keep balanced. /19

I am not putting this here for pity, like I said in the first part I just want people to understand a bit of what this is like. I want those who live with this as I do to feel okay with sharing. With understanding those of us who suffer from mental health issues.../20

Can stop feeling like a stigma or something to hide, and start feeling like human beings. I hope that by speaking up I help gain awareness for mental health and help everyone understand that we need resources and better ways to help us cope. /21

Thank you for reading this, and ahead of time for any retweets of this, and if you like please share your own journey here. The more of us who speak up the more chances we help others who teeter on "why am I still here?" /end