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Aug 1, 2018 25 tweets 16 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter

A Fierce Rant About


from @IvanThrone

The Dark Triad Man

I'm going to talk about handlers and assholes, and how to tell the difference when someone claims their four-legged creature is a #ServiceDog.

Ready for fire, people?

The very first thing we're going to do is define #ServiceDog.

There's only ONE definition that matters in America:

"Service animals are defined as dogs that are individually trained to do work or perform tasks for people with disabilities."…


Repeat after me, children:



This is not Complicated:

If it is a Pig, a Duck, a Peacock, a Snake, a Bird, a Fish, or bloody God damn Hamster, it is...


Get the hell off my plane!

"Ivan, that's not true that only dogs can be service animals."

You're correct.

In America there is ONE exception:

A horse can be a service animal:…

If you have a Service Horse, congratulations, you're very special.

Now, this thread is about DOGS.

Now we'll talk about two other classes of dogs you'll sometimes see.



I'm going to be absolutely blunt here:



Get the hell out of my restaurant!

We'll dismiss the #therapydog first.

Sure, they can be great in the right situation.

I don't knock 'em.

But they do not have protected access.

I don't care what "certification" the animal has.

Neither does the Federal Government.

It's not a #ServiceDog.


Now we'll talk about #EmotionalSupportDogs

These are pets too.

"Fluffy makes me feel better," cries the Weakling.

That's fine.

And with a letter from your medical doctor, you can bring him on a plane.

NOT in the restaurant.

NOT in the hotel.

NOT in the office.


Now it's time to share some harsh truths about owning a #ServiceDog.

Here's the first:


It's equal to a driver's license drawn in crayon on a paper bag.

If "certified service animal" is claimed or shown on a vest...

It's a sad joke.

The law is clear:

"Staff cannot ask about the person’s disability, require medical documentation, require a special identification card or training documentation for the dog, or ask that the dog demonstrate its ability to perform the work or task."…

"Ivan, you mean it's a total trust system?"

Yes, exactly.

There is NO official document from the Federal government.

And Federal law overrides any State laws to the contrary.

That's just how it works in America with a #ServiceDog.

I'm not knocking training.

If you're #blind and your #guidedog was trained by a facility that issues certificates in crayon on paper bags, you'll both be a hot red smear in traffic.

Here's the point:

"Certified service animal" is legally meaningless under Federal law.

Where does this leave the business owner?

You can ask TWO questions:

1. "Is this a service dog required because of a disability?"

2. "What work or task has it been trained to perform?"

#ServiceDog handlers will HAPPILY answer those questions for you.


As a dutiful #ServiceDog handler, I've constantly got several things on my mind. Here's a bit how it goes:

"Pay attention! Is there another dog? Does he have to shit? What's he doing? Where's he looking? Heel. Is someone going to IS THAT A DOG OVER THERE..."


However, it's far less stressful than being hit by a car you didn't hear.

(Yes, done that several times.)

It's less stressful than being sucker punched by the asshole you didn't hear saying "MOVE PLEASE" for the fourth time.

(Yes, done that once.)

Bottom line...

A disabled person with a #ServiceDog is dealing with visible medical equipment. And if you are thoughtful, think about how you interact.

"It's so wonderful how he helps you," (insert wistful patronizing smile).

Fuck off.

"Damn, he's a bad motherfucker."

Thank you.

Put the damn gimp shoe on the other foot.

Remember, he's medical equipment.

"It's so lovely how the #wheelchair keeps you from being a sad and lonely shut-in," (insert wistful smile).

Yup, fuck off.

"Damn, those racing stripes look good, man."

Thank you.

"He's so beautiful."

Yes, I hear that all the damn time. You're not special for noticing, and noticing doesn't make me want to hand him over for fondling.

Important #RedPill transition here, lads:

Don't burst over a hot chick and tell her the obvious.

Got it?


Don't be stupid, either.

"Does he bite?"

He's a dog.

"Is he working?"

No, he's a useless drunk.

"Can I pet him?"

If you're a polite child or a lovely woman, probably.

Life's not fair, people.

Now, I'm going to aim a few words at people who DO have #ServiceDogs that supports their life as a disabled person.

Congrats, you've got help.

It matters, and it can matter a lot.


There are a few things that make it harder for all the rest of us.


DON'T threaten to sue every establishment that violates the law regarding #ServiceDog access.

DON'T create a public spectacle like a self-important asshole who insists on inflicting petulant victimhood on everyone else.

If you're that pissed, go home and call your lawyer.

And for the love of God, groom your damn #ServiceDog.

I don't care what your #disability is.

If your dog is matted and filthy, I think you're an incompetent asshole and I assume your ability to control your dog is equally poor.

We clear on that?


It's not a one-time thing.

It's like gunfighting.

You have to train them all the time.

They get out of practice, too.

EVERY encounter is a TEST.

I did say it was stressful.

It's also hard work.

Even the best trained #ServiceDog is still a DOG.

YOU are responsible for handling your DOG.

Other dogs will come out of nowhere and attack it.

Idiots will step on it because they can't bloody pay attention.

(Ask @bach_illusions about The Dog reacting to a clumsy fool.)

Lastly, for #businessowners:

Yup, you can absolutely kick a #ServiceDog out of your establishment.

If the handler doesn't have control or it shits on the floor, throw it the hell out and be done with it:…

Use good judgment.

Final summary:

1. If it's not a Dog, it's not a Service Animal.

2. If it's not a #ServiceDog, get off my plane.

3. If you're a Petulant Whining Victim, stay the hell home.

4. If you're a Thoughtless Idiot, don't bother me.

Follow the Law.

Don't be a Dick.


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