Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

“...No wahala. Just Dey come” Progress said.

“I’ll be there tomorrow” I replied and ended the call.

But it was Progress. I should have known by now that somehow our combo would bring trouble.

And it did.

We got into trouble with a juju man.

Brethren
Issa thread

I had always argued about juju and all these changing into animal something.

Growing up, there was a superstition that a particular black cat always meowing on the roof at night, was baba white from the next compound.

And I had my reservations

Why always cat, dog, snake or as I once saw in a movie, after wailing, swaying from left to right, shivering and making funny faces in a bid to conjure up his animal power, a baba changed to tortoise.

All that effort for that? Why not lion or tiger forgossakes

if I had any doubt and needed to experience first-hand whether jazz works or not, if I needed my dream-that-I’ve-never-had about jazz to manifest, who else will the universe use if not Progress?

I was on my own o, bored, thinking of where to go,when my phone rang.

Progress

“Stevodadida! StevohhMygod!” He hailed.

“Progress how far. Wetin Dey sup?” I said wondering what was it he wanted.

“StevoMoney! Stevo d Papi!”

Ah! This boy have get me! He just called me papi!

If you know you know

“Progress how far?” I asked again.

“I need your epp”

Eh

“Which kind epp?” I asked.

“Nothing much bruv! Nahmsayin! I just need like small 3500 or 4500. Just Add am to the 2500 I Dey owe you before make e be round figure Abeg. I Dey in a fix. I go settle you wen allowee enter”

Smh! I knew it was something. I knew it.

I agreed to send the money after much sweet talking. If you know that boy you’ll know what I mean. The conversation progressed from there to “so how them your babes for that school! Stevolosho! I sure say you don kill dem finish by now”

kai! stevolysis! Stev-hoe He kept saying

See, I was a corper then and had been posted to a polytechnic where I was given two courses to lecture to a class of over 650 students of which over 400 where babes.

It wasn’t easy i tell you. Man will be trying to explain something about computers in class when one omo shepeteri will be licking lips and winking, and instead of saying double click the icon, the C will be silent and I’ll say double lick instead

The Semester had ended and I was bored, Cos my other friends were teaching in secondary schools.

Why most people must teach I don’t get for Nysc o!

They legit had my guy Emma, a very immoral guy, teaching moral instruction at one primary school; the only PPA he could find.

That was what the Yeye Progress was referring to.

“...Stevo easy o! Na people daughters o!” He continued

“Progress leave me Abeg. I no Dey do anything there before one trainee cultist go shoot me Cos of babe. School don close I Dey find where to go”

“Enter my side na” he said

“ The place nice. Cool breeze. Cheap beer, nice corper chicks. Na village but e no too village like that. Just show” he said

And with my proclivity for adventure, and my need to always see new places, I packed my bags like

I got to the last bustop and alighted from the bus. The scenery around me, though not bustling like a major city, was far from a village like Progress had made it seem.I called him.

“Ok! You don Dey there? Just take bike N500. Tell them say...”

Wait what? Bike 500 to where?

I probably was on that bike for 40 days and 26 nights, as it continued deeper into what looked like an Igodo part two evil forest.

All traces of city life vanished behind me, as i trudged deeper into this forest to retrieve the golden egg and save my people of wtf kingdom

The bike man was of no help as he regaled me with tales of juju.

The Bike stopped in front of a tree with very ripe mango fruit and red clothes tied around it, where Progress was waiting for me, shining his 32.

The village had an eerie feel to it.

Fadalawd!

“No mind them” Progress said.

“Dem just Dey use am take fear person. If mango hungry me I go come pluck from this tree use the red cloth clean my mouth.”

To further shake my belief, a goat with shells around its neck passed

“This goat go sweet for pepper soup” Progress said

I joined Progress to the secondary school he was teaching,instead of sitting home, awaiting his arrival from work.

With permission of the principal, I began assisting a female corper who taught maths. And within a few days I earned the name “Daddy maths”

I realized in schools in this part of the country, as a male teacher you’re called “master” and female teachers are called mummy.

I guess I became Daddy since I was assisting a mummy with her work.

Very logical I must say

Teaching is hard.

Some days it seems like there are kids who go to a place where 4 roads meet and give sacrifices to the gods of their land, praying “ Ooooooh! ojigbijigbi. Block my head. Blind the eyes of my understanding” after which they pour libation and come to school

You’ll explain something over 2.36 million times and yet, baba will still say “ Daddy maths I’m not understanding”

Ah! Kill me!

Aside the ones that don’t understand, another feature of secondary school are those ss2 and 3 kids who wanna get close to you.

Smh!

Especially the girls who fancy corper instead of their “immature” class boys, who turn red every time they hear them talking about corpers.

One ss3 boy, unable to take it anymore, wrote one of the corpers at school a letter. It read,

Dear master corper,
Plix leaf kafaya for me

Every time she we be talking about you But is me that first love her. Don’t come and come and now chance me. She have tell me she not doing again and Am still loving her. So I beg you. Leaf her for me. Don’t be teaching her anything. Don’t be breaking my small heart. Plix master

Every night Am seeing her in my dream and am crying. And my mummy be asking me nipe kilonshele? I really love her and I beg you to leaf her and be teaching only awon mummy corpers.

Yours sincerely
Ifemi(That’s what she use to call me before you now come and now scatter it)

The master corper-Rex- was shook to his bones.

Aside the ones who dislike you for “stealing” their babes, there are the ones who respect you to the high heavens and would even prostrate on the road in greeting if they saw you after hours. And even help you carry stuff. Nice!

Then there are the stubborn ones. The ones who like trouble. And it was with this stubborn one that I and Progress had an encounter.

I was free and was walking Progress to his class when we saw something weird happening in a class that mummy maths was teaching.

She was writing on the board, while a student, was pointing at her bum with a cane, making as if it was a black board, to the amusement of the class.

I and Progress watched from our vantage point, as it continued

Flogging in the school was allowed but with a chiding to be careful who we flogged and to do it in moderation. As we wouldn’t know who is who.

“Don’t go and flog winsh o. Before they’ll come and press you at night o!” Madam Cynthia once warned

We stepped into the class and asked the boy in question to stand up.

On hearing what had transpired, mummy maths landed him a slap and Progress who had had run-ins with this boy before followed it with some strokes of cane Fia! Fia! Fia! .

The boy wailed

#talesbytweetLight

“Ah! Master ti kpa mi! Master have killed me. Ah! ègbamì mummy! I didn’t did it. I didn’t do anything”

Saying that angered progress even more as some more strokes landed on him.

I had to come between and calm him and down and we were about to leave when...

In the local language, he said something that translated to “ I’ll show you people. Your own is finished”

I folded my fingers and gave him a knock. He wailed some more.

We took our leave to the staff room, leaving him sniffling and drying tears.

Minutes Later,

The principal summoned us to his office. He wore a gloomy face.

He asked our side of the story, which we explained and at the end of the day, we realized he was more concerned about who we had flogged than the act itself.

“you corpers don’t used to hear word” he said

He said the boy was from a notorious line of brothers who had all dropped out and taken up their ancestral work of being juju men.

This brother was the one who had made it this far without dropping out.
We had sowed the seeds for trouble he concluded

“see corpers. Don’t come to school for the next two days. I’ll see how I can resolf this izzue” he said.

Na wa o! Is it that serious. Principal with almost 2523.12 Jesus posters and Crucifix in his office talking so convincingly about juju.

My liver cut sha till....

Mummy maths said “ with all due respect sir! I’m a corper! Government property! I will not abnegate my duties because of some silly boy and his tout brothers.

And if anything happens to me,they will know who I am. Not because I came here to serve will I be treated with impunity

She walked out.

I wanted to also make a statement about how me too they’ll know who i am but there’s an angel that appears on my shoulder sometimes and talks to me. It promptly appeared when the words were about leaving my mouth like “shhh! Baba! Thou art no one”

Even progress too in his most warri-speak said “ as as why? For this school? One small boy go make me loss? Principal I no fit run! I’ll be here live tomorrow same time same station! No be today nyash begin Dey back. He said and exited!
Kai! Morale???? High! Morale!!! High high

At home, we were split. Some argued that we shouldn’t go the next day while some others called it nonsense and said we should.

At night, it rained and thundered and I could even hear an ominous flute playing in the background like in Nigerian movies, portending evil

I was falling asleep when I was jolted awake by my phone ringing. It was mummy maths. She had left three missed calls and had sent a picture to my BBM.

I opened it and what I saw, shook me!

Brethren! Her hand was swollen

Sleep fled my being. What?? I tried to call, her phone was switched off.
Oh father it has begun!

The picture came with a message which said she woke up and saw her hand swollen. “ Steve you people should not go to that school tomorrow. The juju is real”

Hei!

Voices in my head kept arguing if this was happening or not.

And as I kept looking at my fingers, it felt like it was swelling up! Looked at from another angle, it looked ok. Is this for real?!!!

I looked at Progress on the bed beside me, sleeping, oblivious to everything

Mouth wide open as he slept, as if being fed in his dream. And as if to confirm my theory, baba was chewing what i presumed to be his destiny, and swallowing.

If this one wan begin swell, where will he even begin, na the entire body na

I couldn’t find sleep. And I kept monitoring my hand. It seemed to swell and then drop, like the waves of a tumultuous sea.

Eventually I fell asleep and was woken up by sunlight piercing its way into the room.

I couldn’t even bare to bring my hand to view. When I did......

Ladies and gentlemen.
Boys and girls.
Landlords and landladies
Praaaaaiseeeeeeeeee master Chisos!

My hands were the normal size.
Even mummy maths left me a message of false alarm that it appeared she had been bitten by an insect and was headed to the hospital.

Mtchewww

I wore my NYSC crested vest to school that morning as I had not brought in the other clothes I had washed last night due to fear.

Before from collecting cloth from line a brother will turn to line.

Progress was unperturbed. “dem no know me” he said.

Taah sherrup!

To be honest. Even during assembly that morning, I was scared. But as the day wore on without event, my confidence built.

Even principal seemed relaxed and I felt oh well, seems all is well.

Till the sound for closing bell went and all hell broke loose......

Students, clustered at the gate, scampered in all directions away from something, leaving a dust cloud behind.

Emerging from the dust cloud was the boy with his brother, a dark, scruffy guy, with so much cowries, red clothes and feathers on him to make a shrine jealous

Obviously this babalawo brother had been told by his sibling that a corper has beat him up.

Guess who was sporting an NYSC crested vest, boldly on his flat chest.

Brethren it was I.
Your boy.
stevodadida!
Stevolysis.
Stev-hoe.

SteveGonetooSoon

He charged towards me shouting to his brother! “Se óun niyen” translated “ that’s him right?”

At that point all I could muster was a faint voice declaring that I was not the real óun. Is not meeeeeeeee. Am not any òun I said as I tried to retreat from the medicine man.

His brother promptly pointed him in the direction of Progress. Saying though I and mummy maths were involved, Progress was the lord of óun(pronounced o-hun for non Nigerian readers 😘)

He charged at Progress and touched his chest with a ring “ e je koriko” he screamed and...

First Progress laughed. You know that laughter of new madness. Of eating love potion. And then sat down on the field and gave meaning to the words the medicine man had uttered.

He picked a handful of grass and started eating it, ever so lovingly

If I had been told. I wouldn’t have believed. But seeing Progress my Guy, chewing grass, spitting it out and enjoying it shocked me.

Baba was eating this thing so attentively, with so much passion that I felt maybe cows aren’t telling us something o. No wonder they’re big

Seeing as he had dealt with the main culprit, he headed my direction.
Charley! My heart sunk. It’s women I like not grass and I’m straight forward about it.

As he was about getting to me, kamoru and his gang surrounded me.

Who’s kamoru?

In every public secondary school, there’s a kingpin.The baddest of the baddest. Tasked with initiating or defending the school in case of inter-school fights. Let’s just say he’s the student boss and nobody dare test him.

Their decision to defend me was a territorial one

Like how dare the medicine man come to their territory to cause havoc. Though we were corpers, it didn’t matter. It was unacceptable

“Ah! Kamo! You now have mind! Ah!” Said the medicine man.

They exchanged more heated words in their local language while I was there like.

Some teachers stepped in to beg the medicine man but kamoru was having none of it. What nonsense he declared! Don’t beg him! “Ti won ti poju”

“you no fear me kamoru. Cos of small medicine you have learn. Ok I’ll show you”

He extracted a powder;

Me:

The formation kamoru and his boys formed, meant you had to go through the three boys, then kamoru, before reaching me.

The juju man approached the boys and blew the powder in their face!

Shouting “ e sare!”

The boys slowly walked to Progress and formed a ring around him and continued running endlessly.

Chineke God! What be this kind of thing eh ohema!

It looked funny but On remembering I could be made to probably somersault around them in an even bigger circle, I died inside

Kamoru Laughed!

What was funny I don’t know but I saw him throw a white handkerchief and the air and when he caught it, in his hands was a dagger which he charged at the medicine man with.
I saw him stab him. But I saw no blood.

I died even more

Due to the force of the stab both of them were on the ground, wrestling sort of when from no where, the principal materialized and hit both of them on their chest.

Brethren! They both became calm and started sucking their thumbs like babies.

Wait what?

So principal is the grand commander of medicine men! Assin we were working for the Oga?

How far the millions is of crucifix in his office.

He slapped Progress who regained himself, asked Progress to slap kamorus boys, who regained themselves.

He touched the forehead of the medicine man and kamoru and when they were back to themselves, warned that this should be the last time such nonsense was brought within the walls of his school.

Humbled, they left but with a look that suggested they would pick it up later.

Ok! Wow! Pick up later ba! Ok na! The next morning! Before anyone else would notice, I packed my bags, body and soul and left that place, never to be an òun again.

On entering my compound, a black cat on the roof meowed and I greeted it baba white good evening

I had learnt my lesson. Juju is real Abeg.

And to tell you how unfortunate that Progress boy is, he called me some weeks later saying baba make I no lie you. That grass been sweet to chop sha

I just kept wondering lord God Where is the unfriend button please

Thanks for joining me on this weeks episode of #talesbytweetLight. Read, share,Laugh! Check the next tweet to see previous stories. See you next week Friday 6pm

With love
Uncle Stephen

Last week’s story

https://twitter.com/itsunclestephen/status/1022901946703859718?s=21

To see more. Check out this thread of threads

Thank you

https://twitter.com/itsunclestephen/status/947807141758369793?s=21