Thread by @NicolaJames007

In shock news from our secret sources within Whitehall! Prepare yourselves for a hitherto unknown and devastating brexit impact. As we import up to 95% of our punctuation, leaving the EU will change the very essence of our communication. A #FinalSayForAll is imperative now! 1/

Authors, academics, grammar Nazis, sign writers & the odd tabloid journalist are today reeling from the shock of discovering that hold ups at ports will cause hrs of delays for vital punctuation marks, forcing them to use domestic mathematical symbols to make any sense at all 2/

One source, who cannot be named for fear of reprisals, explained that the government has been warned that stockpiles will run out within hours or, as he put it "in minutes, if Megan Markle gets pregnant. It's a disaster waiting to happen. People are being kept in the dark." 3/

Many still remember the Question Mark Quandry riots of 1986, when French quizmasters blocked the ports to protest a 1.7% hike in VAT on question marks & some exclamation marks. Those that died in the ensuing violence are remembered each year with a minute's silent shrugging. 4/

What, you ask, is our glorious leader doing to prepare for the looming disaster? Sources close to the PM say she is at her wits end, struggling to imagine a reality in which she cannot ask Phil, if he has put the bins out, yet. Publicly, she is as strong and stable, as always. 5/

However, if our sources are to be believed, the PM is on a campaign to take back control of UK punctuation. Alledgedly, she is on a one woman mission to replace the French made question mark with her trademark shrug & plans to make air quotes compulsory in schools. 6/

We spoke to one expert, Prof. G. Narsy, Head of Linguistic Research at Barnsley University. He told us, 'Most people are too shy to shrug, let alone Gaelic shrug. The majority prefer to use the traditional screwed up facial expression, but they have a very short shelf life." 7/

He continued, 'A major issue that we face, is that the UK simply does not have the climate for home grown punctuation marks. We are currently trying to grow exclamation marks in Yorkshire, but a late frost this Spring has meant a much smaller yield of lower quality." 8/

What does this all mean in real terms? Well, as always, the most vulnerable in society will suffer the most. Many will be unable to afford even a lowly full stop, let alone a comma. The use of the exotic inverted comma will again become something reserved only for the elite. 9/

According to, R. Reyt, spokesperson for the RSPCPG, the Royal Society for the Protection of Correct Punctuation and Grammar, 'People are already struggling to afford hyphens. The government forgets that double barreled names are not just the reserve of the rich and famous.' 10/

Speaking to people on the streets of Bristol, most are blissfully unaware of just how bad it could get, if no deal is reached with the European Union. When asked how she felt about losing her colons in this brexit bombshell, Brenda from Bristol said, "Oh no, not another one!" 11/

In a statement, Dominic Raab, Sec. of State for Exiting the EU, said he had plans to "make a deal that works for everyone, but mostly for us". However, the statement ended with the words "full stop", suggesting that supplies may be running low or stockpiling already underway. 12/

Our confidential source, however, is far from optimistic, "They haven't got a clue what they are doing. They know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Next it will be capital letters, then kerning and, finally, we will have no space between words at all." 13/

When asked about the 5% of domestically produced punctuation, he sighed and, with a tear in his eye, said, "Hardly anyone knows how to use a colon these days, anyway. So we invert them and export them to Germany as novelty Umlauts." /End