In shock news from our secret sources within Whitehall! Prepare yourselves for a hitherto unknown and devastating brexit impact. As we import up to 95% of our punctuation, leaving the EU will change the very essence of our communication. A #FinalSayForAll is imperative now! 1/
Authors, academics, grammar Nazis, sign writers & the odd tabloid journalist are today reeling from the shock of discovering that hold ups at ports will cause hrs of delays for vital punctuation marks, forcing them to use domestic mathematical symbols to make any sense at all 2/
One source, who cannot be named for fear of reprisals, explained that the government has been warned that stockpiles will run out within hours or, as he put it "in minutes, if Megan Markle gets pregnant. It's a disaster waiting to happen. People are being kept in the dark." 3/
Many still remember the Question Mark Quandry riots of 1986, when French quizmasters blocked the ports to protest a 1.7% hike in VAT on question marks & some exclamation marks. Those that died in the ensuing violence are remembered each year with a minute's silent shrugging. 4/
What, you ask, is our glorious leader doing to prepare for the looming disaster? Sources close to the PM say she is at her wits end, struggling to imagine a reality in which she cannot ask Phil, if he has put the bins out, yet. Publicly, she is as strong and stable, as always. 5/
However, if our sources are to be believed, the PM is on a campaign to take back control of UK punctuation. Alledgedly, she is on a one woman mission to replace the French made question mark with her trademark shrug & plans to make air quotes compulsory in schools. 6/
We spoke to one expert, Prof. G. Narsy, Head of Linguistic Research at Barnsley University. He told us, 'Most people are too shy to shrug, let alone Gaelic shrug. The majority prefer to use the traditional screwed up facial expression, but they have a very short shelf life." 7/
He continued, 'A major issue that we face, is that the UK simply does not have the climate for home grown punctuation marks. We are currently trying to grow exclamation marks in Yorkshire, but a late frost this Spring has meant a much smaller yield of lower quality." 8/
What does this all mean in real terms? Well, as always, the most vulnerable in society will suffer the most. Many will be unable to afford even a lowly full stop, let alone a comma. The use of the exotic inverted comma will again become something reserved only for the elite. 9/
According to, R. Reyt, spokesperson for the RSPCPG, the Royal Society for the Protection of Correct Punctuation and Grammar, 'People are already struggling to afford hyphens. The government forgets that double barreled names are not just the reserve of the rich and famous.' 10/
Speaking to people on the streets of Bristol, most are blissfully unaware of just how bad it could get, if no deal is reached with the European Union. When asked how she felt about losing her colons in this brexit bombshell, Brenda from Bristol said, "Oh no, not another one!" 11/
In a statement, Dominic Raab, Sec. of State for Exiting the EU, said he had plans to "make a deal that works for everyone, but mostly for us". However, the statement ended with the words "full stop", suggesting that supplies may be running low or stockpiling already underway. 12/
Our confidential source, however, is far from optimistic, "They haven't got a clue what they are doing. They know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Next it will be capital letters, then kerning and, finally, we will have no space between words at all." 13/
When asked about the 5% of domestically produced punctuation, he sighed and, with a tear in his eye, said, "Hardly anyone knows how to use a colon these days, anyway. So we invert them and export them to Germany as novelty Umlauts." /End

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More from @NicolaJames007

Sep 7, 2018
This may sound old-fashioned, but I was taught that respect is something that is earned. It's not something that you simply demand or can expect, without having done anything to deserve it. 1/
It, therefore, baffles me that I've been told so often that I must respect the result of the referendum. Why? How has it earned my respect? 2/
For a start the result was achieved by excluding #The5Million people, who are arguably the most immediately and directly impacted. This is not only undemocratic, but unfair and immoral. I have no respect for that. 3/
Read 8 tweets
Aug 30, 2018
As some of you already know, I'm 1/3 of the board of the Final Say For All Foundation, along with @grrrahh & @MintyTeaboy. We're closely supported by @Shieldmaid8 & @GuitarMoog. With growing support for a people's vote, I'd like to explain why it must be a @FinalSayForAll 1/
In the 2016 referendum #The5Million most directly affected were excluded from voting. This must not be allowed to happen again in any new vote that has such a direct impact on our lives. 2/
Let's first remind ourselves why it was decided to exclude #The5Million. EU27 in the UK were excluded on the grounds of citizenship. UK in the EU for 15+ years, were excluded on the grounds of residency. 3/
Read 14 tweets
May 20, 2018
On Friday 18th @FinalSayForAll sent this email out 469 times in an attempt to have it land on the editors desk of every single newspaper in the U.K. 1/5
Fighting for the rights of the disenfranchised is a huge part of our work, as is holding the government to account for its promises. 2/5
There are 2 huge ways you can support us in this work. One is to contact both your local newspaper, and us, with the story of how you are personally effected because #BrexitIsPersonal 3/5
Read 5 tweets
Mar 15, 2018
Some of you know me from my phone-melting, slightly anarchic, light relief threads. Although they appear flippant, there is a very serious idea and a lot of work behind them.
#BrexitIsPersonal 1/21
After a few months of spending all day, every day, taking abuse from leavers & feeling ground down by the negativity & repetition, I knew that I needed a break. I started to set up threads, had fun & felt better. I wondered, if others needed a break, too. #BrexitIsPersonal 2/21
At 1st it was chaotic, but it's grown into something far more organised. There's a group of regulars, who want to be tagged into every new thread. There is no tagging w/o permission, as we all got blocked by William Shatner in a tragic tagging accident. #BrexitIsPersonal 3/21
Read 22 tweets
Feb 17, 2018
In light of some recent conversations with fellow Remainers & today's #1DayWithoutUs, I want to address this question: why focus on the plight of @The3Million & @BritishInEurope , the ppl @InLimboBrexit . Huge thank you to @Dogtrouser_PI for the fabulous graphic, again! 1/6
1 of the most blatant lies of the Leave campaign was that nothing would change for these ppl. Ever since the ref. they have been used as bargaining chips. Those in the UK have faced abuse & discrimination - apparently state-sanctioned. #1DayWithoutUs 2/6
Rights are being removed retroactively from the most vulnerable directly impacted group - the one with NO vote, NO voice, NO representation. YOU are their voice - the voice for your doctor, nurse, teacher, carer, cleaner etc etc #1DayWithoutUs 3/6
Read 6 tweets

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